I love catching up with blog friends

Years ago I was participating in NaBloPoMo and I 'met' some of the most amazing people. And tonight I am playing catch up with ericjay. We initially started talking, I think, because of running, but then discovered we work in the same industry so we became fast friends chatting about the nuances of our co-workers. He's awesome.

Someday we'll meet, I'm sure. He thinks we'll end up at the same training some time, forget to tell each other we're going to be there and run into each other haphazardly. My thinking is we'll do that, but we'll forget the last part and end up talking about it later wondering how it is that we didn't run into each other. :)

It's all good. ericjay will still be awesome, and years from now, if we ever meet, that will continue to be a constant. :)

I went to a mall...voluntarily

Last night was great. Tim, this guy John, and I went to the local American Legion. They were having karaoke and Tim wanted to go sing. Okay. I'm not a big karaoke fan, but occasionally I'll have 'a moment' and go and participate.

Good thing I did. We were 3 of maybe 8 people in the bar, and that was including the karaoke lady, her husband, and the bartender. And other than the karaoke lady, we were the only ones singing.

Tim has a great voice and made me cry when he sang Collin Raye's "Love, Me". We also sang a couple duets, which was a lot of fun. I miss singing like that.

Today, Mary and I went on a little trip to Birmingham. We were bored and didn't want to sit around our rooms doing nothing. So we drove around wishing we could find a mall or a California Pizza Kitchen. Funny enough, as we turned the corner into the Galleria we decided to try, there was a CPK. :) YAY! Nothing better than a Roasted Spinach and Artichoke Chicken pizza. Mmmmmm.

But then we went to the mall to walk off all the food. Somehow we ended up at Ann Taylor's Loft and shopping for me - to ease into an update of my wardrobe from t-shirts and shorts to "grown-up clothes". She picked out an outfit, then an associate came over and basically Mary said, "Dress her." And they did. I tried on shirts, pants, sweaters, belts, necklaces, more shirts. It was funny. I'm easing into adding color into my wardrobe too. I actually bought an orange shirt and it does look good. I really wanted to find a red one, but with my coupons I have I can do that when I get home.

The best thing was that they had a 30% off your entire purchase if you buy a pair of pants at regular price. And then I could get 20% off if I signed up for their card. Initially I had forgotten about the first deal, so as the lady was ringing up my purchase and we were at $200 and only 3 items had been scanned, I thought the card might be a good idea. But when I got my total and it was almost half the cost, I was so stoked! YAY for deals!

Now I'm just hoping that when I get home, if I walk into ATL at our mall and say, "Dress me" there will be someone as nice and smart and patient as the lady who worked with us today was. :)

AND I got my hair cut. :) I have been very productive today. Now, I'm just listening to "Juno" on tv and relaxing. I did a load of laundry and I'm debating on starting to pack for my return. I have a few more clothes to add now. :)

Today was an exciting day

I tell you, I am learning a LOT at this course. It's awesome. The instructors are great and their insight is incredible. I mean, today...I learned all about...

Deviled Eggs.

I kid you not. We spent 20 minutes on deviled eggs and how they are a waste because with the time that it takes to make them you lose value on your final product. Because despite the fact that eggs are super cheap, first you have to boil them, then peel them, then slice them, then gut them, then take the guts and mash it up with some other stuff into a creamy mixture, then fill the eggs with said mixture, then you realize that they have a rounded bottom and won't sit on a normal tray so you'll have to slice the bottoms off a bit to make them flat so they'll sit on a tray, then you place them on the tray and sprinkle them with garnish (generally paprika), then carry them to your serving location, and then, because they slip and slide, re-straighten them on the tray so they look presentable.

THEN you'll have a guy come by and take 8 because they aren't filling (they're what people call "smash & swallow's") and then your whole purpose for buying them because they're cheap has just gone down the toilet because he just ate a third of your carton. AND the caterer is probably going to mark these up overall in price because they are a pain to make.

DEVILED EGGS. Seriously.

I have to laugh, because if I don't I will certainly go crazy. 20 MINUTES on deviled eggs. WTF?!?! But I laugh because it really is comical.

The class I'm in cracks me up because people aren't really paying attention and end up on tangents that aren't even close to what we're discussing. We were talking about seating arrangements today based on etiquette rules and precedence and a gal raises her hand and asks, "So, if your boss transfers do you get to keep your job or do you go with him?" Ummm...not quite on topic dear, and considering why you're in this class, that's not really a high priority at this time, even for you.

I just shook my head. I feel a little like I'm back at Sem where people liked to tell their stories...partly for attention, partly because they really felt like they knew it all...and so they raise their hand at every opportunity, "At my workplace, we do this..." It's just funny.

I spent most of this afternoon texting back to work because it was a) more fun and b) more productive.

Don't get me wrong. I love that I'm here at this class - this will be beneficial for me in the long run, I just have to find how it will work with my workplace because this is really geared for our higher headquarters locations. But some of the nonsense does make me laugh.

So for kicks, I and another gal in the class went out for dinner...to an awesome Italian place that had the best service I have ever had. And the highlight, other than the deliciosio food, was when Mary asked the waiter, "Do you have any bread?" And he repeated back, "Breasts?" and she smiled, "Uh, no. Brea-D." He started laughing, "I'm so sorry. Slip of the tongue. Yes. I'll bring that out for you." When he came back he said, "Here's your breaD." hahaha He was a great waiter.

I need to run now though...that food was way too yummy. Too bad I can't move.

Odd

Okay, this might just be me, but this seems really stupid. At CB2, which I normally like, these are $25 a piece! You can get the same thing at Lowe's for $6. I like the concept, but $25 or $50 for two? Really?

Typical

I'm in Alabama and, surprise-surprise, it's hot. And muggy. I just left this weather! Things back home were beautiful today and I'm still hot...and sticky! Ugh.

But I can't complain too much (well, I can, but I'm going to try hard to squelch that desire) because I have some awesome lodging. My work isn't known to splurge for the peons, like me, but this time they stepped it up. I can only assume it's because I'm going to a training with people who are normally treated like this.

Seriously though, I have a two room suite - a bedroom with a big bed and tv, a closet complete with 2 robes, a bathroom with a toothbrush and toothpaste along with the other normal amenities provided, and a sitting room with a loveseat, chair and another tv. Plus a mini bar! Nice. Moe's classin' it up today.

Too bad the room is far from everything I need - like a place to buy food. I have no rental car so I'm subject to my feet or taxi's. And I'm tired and broke. Tomorrow I'm going to have to make friends with someone...this girl does not do well without food and my trail mix is almost gone.

I'm excited for the course though. It will really help me, my bosses, and my career. It's a nice next step up, so hopefully I don't screw it up.

Oh, and I planned really well, as usual. It's supposed to rain all week. When I had looked last week to see, rain was not in the forecast. Now it's there all week. And did I bring an umbrella or rain coat? nope. Good thing I'm not made of sugar. :)

An amazingly busy week

Boss2 has been awesome as of late and as of late he has worked hard to get me into a short training course that would help me immensely in my job, even though technically the course isn't for my job description.

Well, it's been up and down the last couple weeks and finally two days ago it was confirmed that I have a seat for the next class, which just happens to start on Monday...in Alabama. Uh...okay.

So the last two days have been a whirlwind of me finding a person to sit at my desk while I'm gone, tidying up all my projects and cleaning up my desk so JH doesn't have to deal with my normal mess. So in that aspect, this class has been the perfect addition to my already hectic life.

In other aspects, this is the worst time of year for me to go. A lot of projects and suspenses are coming due in the next week - the week I'm gone. But I have a lot of great co-workers.

Kenny G helped me today to get my own computer up and running faster and hooked up the process I need so I can check my work email on it. I tested it tonight and it works great! JH was so awesome and patient this afternoon while I was running back and forth trying to figure out what she needed to know and what could be passed by. I gave her the quickie tour of my office and the bosses as well so she knows where everything goes and what needs to be done.

I have all the confidence in the world that JH will do well and I got almost everything that I needed to completed. The rest can and will have to wait until I return. Luckily the class is shorter than I had first thought, so I'll be back a little sooner. And my computer is working so as long as they have WiFi in the housing the school provides, I'll be set.

I'm really looking forward to this class. It's not only needed for my job now, it's a great stepping stone for my future career - the job that I want.

Next step: Signing up for the Master's course I need for that job as well. But I think I'll wait to do that until I return. :)

I'm a lucky girl

My boyfriend is the best. He proved it again last night.

I have been on Phase I of South Beach for the last week and Saturday night I was whining...a lot...about wanting popcorn. I got to the point where I took it out of the cupboard, a pack out of the box and sat it on the counter. That was after a day of smelling a bagel that I had on my desk.

Anyway, I'm not allowed to have either while on Phase I, and I did hold strong. But Sunday when I got home from work, MS had chicken, green beans, sugar free jello and sugar free fudge pops. Yum! That's ALL allowed on the eating plan and this was such an awesome gift.

Then today, my mother called him to see if he would show YOBs kids the fire station and fire truck. And he did. He took time from his lunch hour to show them all around on an impromptu tour.

He's wonderful. Moments like these remind me why I'm with him. <3

A great day

My sister and niece came to join me today and we hit Downtown to check out the Sculpture Walk. Our town has numerous sculptures come in for the summer. It's awesome and always fun to walk around. We had been talking about doing this for a long time, but it finally worked out.

So we hit the sculptures at 9 and walked for 3 hours, going up and down the streets and in and out of shops. It was great!

After lunch we went to a local museum and had a blast. We also ran into our mom and other niece and nephew (Mom's watching YOBs kids this week) there. There were some cool exhibits - one on corn, one on hot air balloons, another on diners and drive-ins, and a brilliant one on underwear*. :)

The rest of my day was supposed to be running errands but I decided nothing I had on my list was vital today (a couple would have helped but not vital) so I have just vegged. I needed this after a long weekend of work. I do need to type up a list of all the things I do. That's a long story, but Boss2 wants to add another tasker and swap one out (not really possible but he and MS think it is). So I might do that tonight. But I'm kind of thinking about going to bed early.

I did attempt a "real" bun tonight. My friend SBK showed me a trick with a sock, but I'm not sure I have it right yet. I need to work on that.

I'm just rambling now...maybe it is time for bed.

*I'm debating on putting the text traffic down on this one. My nephew and I had some fun with this. Hmmm...I'll think about it.

My new water bottle!

I drink so much water now, my new hobby is peeing.

Christmas in August

I'm in a quartet, as some of you may know, but onr of our parts seems to be dwindling as of late, so the rest of us left are thinking of just becoming a trio. This is okay with me as I love singing with the other two anyway. And we're keeping the arranger, which is beneficial.

Anyway, KC and I working on a Kids Christmas party for the children of our co-workers and she and KCM(her hubby) are thinking that we should sing this (below). I've always liked Jewel, so to sing one of her arrangements would be awesome. :) I'm kind of excited for this. :)

Better than yesterday

I was a little more motivated today than I was yesterday, but still not where I need to be. I got assigned another tasker - actually two - today. Yet another additional task to add to my list of many that I do throughout the year. Some take more time than others, so it sort of balances out. God bless Boss2 - he asked what they could take off my plate, but there's really not anything that comes to mind.

The good thing is that I don't start the new taskers right away, so I have time to catch up with the rest of my stuff. I just need to do that now.

I did find, on one of my work sites, a bunch of articles and techniques to beat the afternoon slump and how to start in the AM. I'm going to read those tonight and see if there's something I can implement to help.

How To Be Alone

This resonnated with me today, for some reason.

Text below (from a website so I hope it's all there):

If you are at first lonely, be patient. If you’ve not been alone much, or if when you were you were not okay with it, then just wait. You’ll find its fine to be alone once you’re embracing it. We can start with the acceptable places, the bathroom, the coffee shop, the library, where you can stall and read the paper, where you can get your caffeine fix and sit and stay there. Where you can browse the stacks and smell the books, your not suppose to talk much anyway so its safe there. There is also the gym, if your shy, you can hang out with yourself and mirrors, you can put headphones in. There’s public transportation, we all gotta go places. And there’s prayer and mediation, no one will think less if your hanging with your breath seeking peace and salvation. Start simple. Things you may have previously avoided based on avoid being principles. The lunch counter, where you will be surrounded by “chow downers”, employees who only have an hour and their spouse work across town, and they, like you, will be alone. Resist the urge to hang out with your cell phone. When you are comfortable with “eat lunch and run”, take yourself out to dinner to a restaurant with linen and silver wear. You’re no less an intriguing a person when you are eating solo desert and cleaning the whip cream from the dish with your finger. In fact, some people at full tables will wish they were where you were. Go to the movies. Where it’s dark and soothing, alone in your seat amidst fleeting community. And then take yourself out dancing, to a club where no one knows you, stand on the outside of the floor until the lights convince you more and more and the music shows you. Dance like no ones watching because they are probably not. And if they are, assume it is with best human intentions. The way bodies move genuinely move to beats, after-all, is gorgeous and affecting. Dance till you’re sweating. And beads of perspiration remind you of life’s best things. Down your back, like a book of blessings. Go to the woods alone, and the trees and squirrels will watch for you. Go to an unfamiliar city, roam the streets, they are always statues to talk to, and benches made for sitting gives strangers a shared existence if only for a minute, these moments can be so uplifting and the conversation you get in by sitting alone on benches, might of never happened had you not been there by yourself.

What a fun day!

I love days like this! I was supposed to take photos of my friend's kids today, but we woke up to a nice rain shower and very gray skies so we're going to reschedule.

Instead, I spent the day doing laundry and baking. It was awesome! I made chocolate chip cookies, PB cookies with dark chocolate kisses, zucchini bread (1 big loaf, 1 mini loaf) and banana bread (1 big loaf, 3 mini loaves). I'm debating on making more cookies, but MS will be home in less than an hour so I should probably be done. I want to make oatmeal cookies and snickerdoodles yet, but maybe tomorrow.

It has been a great day. *sigh*

It's a new month

August is here. K&E are starting a new life this month. It's in the plans for me to go to a course that will help my career (crossing fingers it all goes through). All of these changes are for the better. Everything is great and another reminder that life does not stay constant (and if it did I think the monotony would kill me).

So today, I need to reclaim my life. This month will be that start. I'm going to write more. I'm going to eat better (I'm back on the SB blog too). And I'm going to focus on self-care. I'm going to find myself again and work on becoming the woman I was meant to be.

Great weekend

I had a great weekend. Despite having a cold ALL weekend long (I blame the deep tissue massage for releasing all the toxins I had held down so long and making me sick), I had a great weekend.

Sunday I got to hang out with the awesome Debbie. We hit GDC for some brunch and then we went to a mall. Yes, I said, "Mall". I'm so not a mall person but I survived and even bought some t-shirts at the Gap (gasp!) that were on sale for $10. I also found some new artwork to hang in my apartment.

Then I got to go to the Guthrie and see "A Streetcar Named Desire" starring Carlos from Desperate Housewives. It was AWESOME!!! Wow. Love it. Of course, now I want to see if Marlon Brando really did the role of Stanley justice or not. Then again, I'm not sure if I want to see the movie because that might ruin my experience of it - like watching the movie after reading the book. Hmmm... dilemma.

Today, cold still intact, I met up with AmyO from grad school and her daughter Sig. We headed to the local coffee joint and had a great hour and a half together. We've been trying for months to get together so this was perfect. So fun.

And now I'm home. The drive was good. I listened to NPR the whole way and got a little edumacated and was able to not crash every time I sneezed. I'm looking forward to a quiet night at home. I need some rest so I'm not sick all week. Too much to do at work to be sick. :)

Alrighty then

It has been a very long week. So I decided to take a time-out and go to the cities for a mini-break.

I started the weekend running late, and though I should have made it to my appointment on time construction made me an hour late. Nothing like sitting on 94 between 35W and 280 for AN HOUR. wow.

But I had a great 2-hour deep tissue massage with the fabulous Keith. It has been 13 months since my last massage with him and with all the stress I've been going through I was so tight that Keith only got through my shoulders and back before my time was up. Not good. But I'm going to do my level best to get back on Monday to work my legs and back a little more.

We also tried some Kinesio taping. He's been trained and certified on it and thought, especially with my level of tension, that I could benefit from it. So we taped my right forearm, pecs and lower back. Monday we're going to retape those areas and tape my neck and shoulders. I hope it works...i'll try anything if it will help.

Tomorrow I get to see Debbie and go to some awesome theatre again. I can't wait. I need some culture. :) It's just nice to have a break for a while. Not that I don't love where I live, but everyone needs a break now and then, and I'm one who likes to travel, even if it's only a few hours away.

Duck!

After work yesterday I just wanted to cry. I was so tired, stressed, my body felt like it had been run over by a train, and I was looking longingly at my savings account wondering about just how long I could disappear to some foreign country before someone came looking for me or I ran out of money. I got a lot accomplished, but not all of the stuff I needed.

Part of my hang up is that I have to make a HUGE supply purchase for a couple people that just have not been high on my list lately. Some things they have done, or not done, comments they have made about me behind my back (blaming me for their mistake), have just left me with little desire to help them out with their stuff. Petty, I know. I’m being very petty. But part of the other side is that it’s a very complicated order and I hate when people make things complicated. I have to get it done today, and I know I’ll feel better when I do, but I’m just dreading every moment.

Life has been pretty stressful lately. Probably my own fault. If I could just master the duck concept I’d be fine. I’m still working on that though.

For now, I press forward.

I Believe She's Amazing

A little behind

"At least I'm not a big one!"

I've really been wanting to write here more. I have been writing but on a different blog/journal to work through my therapy. It's pretty sucky, so I haven't opened that up to anyone really.

But since that's specifically about therapy, I thought I'd vent and rant about the rest of my life here. :)

I haven't been eating well lately, nor have I been running like I should. I have very few weeks left before the TC marathon and I have not been running enough. Which is NOT a good thing. And my timing has sucked. The last few days have been PERFECT weather for running and I haven't run a step. I wish I didn't have this aversion to running after 7:30 pm (especially starting after 7:30 pm) or running at noon in the heat of the day. It leaves me with early morning (which I'm usually okay with) or right after work (which hasn't worked lately).

And my eating has sucked - one meal a day with a few snacks as of late. not a good thing. I really need to lose some weight and not eating isn't helping. Blech.

And all this leads to not sleeping well either. I'm going to really have to work on all of this.

There's my vent/lament for the day. :)

Squishy

You know it's humid and you've been sweating profusely when you reach down to grab your legs to stretch and they go "squish" as water/sweat slightly sprays.

Herman, revisited

A few of you know my Herman. He's been with me for many years. Technically, he's Herman II (like Audrey II but without the man-eating part) because the original Herman died in the 90s when I stupidly thought I could take care of him after the years of love my Mother had bestowed upon him. I loved him too much and he died in a week.

So when my last job decided to get rid of their service and Herman would have left with them, I asked if I could take on care of Herman and take him home with me. They agreed and since around late 2005 or early 2006, Herman has been with me.

When I first moved here I had to transplant Herman into a better planter because he was too big. Now he's gotten even bigger so he got a new pot last week. I wasn't sure if he'd take but he did! I'm so glad. So now Big Herman is kickin' it in a sweet big planter and looking good. I'm hoping he'll get even bigger. :)

More proof I need to get organized

So two months ago MS and I went to Menard's to buy some oil and get a rebate form ($30 worth to be returned to us). I sent in my part a few days later and waited.

MS finally got his a couple weeks ago but mine never came. So I emailed the company and asked for them to look mine up. They have no record of it, so they told me to send in the original receipt, a copy of the email they sent me and they "would do their best to track it".

So I began the search. I don't track this stuff as well as MS does, so this was a struggle. I ended up going through all of my receipts in my "to shred/burn" pile and found 5 Menard's receipts...but none of the ones I need.

I could go to Menard's and print a new one but the CC I used to purchase it had it's numbers stolen a few weeks later so I shredded it. Ugh.

Luckily, I found a box with a bunch of receipts and there it was, right on top. So now I can send in the receipt for the refund request...again.

But this just proves that I a) need to spend maybe a little more time at home and b)I really need a file cabinet...really, really bad.

That's next on the list.

The Giver

So a couple weeks ago I got on the short story "The Lottery" again. I have always been fascinated by that story and so I spent some time reading summaries, critiques, etc. on the web. AES came in to my office and said he wasn't really familiar with it, but after I explained the story he said that I needed to read The Giver.

So I did.

I'm not sure how many of you have read this book, but what an interesting story line. A "Utopian" society (at least as far as they knew because they didn't know any better) where one person is the keeper of all memories. A new keeper has been chosen so we follow his training for this task. It raised a whole slew of questions in my head about society and the way we run our world. Intriguing.

I don't want to write too much here because if you haven't read it I don't want to be the total spoiler of the book. It was short and a quick read, so if you haven't read it, I highly recommend it.

In my research after reading it, I found out there are two books that were written a few years ago to complete a trilogy of sorts. I'll have to find those too.

What would you like to know?

Are there any questions about me that you have wanted to ask but haven't? Or something you wanted clarified about me that hasn't been?

Ask, and you may be answered. :)

So I've been a little out of touch

I can't believe it's been 11 days since I last posted, or something like that...I can't count today - my brain is mush.

Anyway, I've been at a youth camp this week for work. It's fun because I get to play photographer for a week and not really have to be a counselor. And I get to sort of camp, which is fun too. Of course we don't cook our food over a fire, because with 97 kids that would be a little tough.

But every year I make the same mistake. I overpack. This year it was extra t-shirts and an extra pair of shorts that I didn't need (actually a couple extra pairs). Last year I had brought running clothes and ran twice that whole week. This week I decided not to run, so at least I didn't pack extra for that.

I don't know why I do this. As a 'staff' member of the camp I wear red shirts all week long. I wouldn't have to wear them all week long, but since I'm not assigned to a specific group of kids it's easier if I do wear red so they know who I am. And I have plenty of shirts to last the week, with even a couple extra. So why I pack more than I need, I do not know.

So I'm packing another box, marking it as youth camp and hopefully next year I won't do the same thing.

I'm glad camp is over, that's for sure, but now my real work begins. Running around taking pictures is one thing; but now I have to sort through all 1800 and find the right ones for the yearbook I get to put together. I didn't do the book last year, the intern did, so I'm a little out of practice. I'm sure it'll all come back to me soon...right?

Smurfs!!!

Trailer

The website

The cupcakes





I'm ready!!!

Thinking...

There have been a couple job positions open with my company as of late, but I haven't applied despite the fact I'm looking for something a little more challenging in my life.

So I was thinking that maybe I need to go back to school and get a Master's that would actually benefit me. Ashford University has a couple programs that I could do online and get another Masters in 18 months (accelerated program). But I'm not sure if this is the right time for this, or if I'm just trying to use this as an escape mechanism.

But then I look at these jobs that are opening and trying to look at the bigger scheme of things and what might come in the future, and maybe getting a better, more usable master's would be a good thing.

Something to think about...

Good week

I had a really good week at work this week. I haven't had a week like this in a long time. I actually got things accomplished, not everything I wanted to, of course, but a lot of it.

I'm trying very hard not to think about all the things I didn't get finished because that's just depressing. I am looking to go in on Monday afternoon. I have a couple articles I need to write and one project that I forgot about and I have a meeting Tuesday AM at 9 that I have to have it finished.

Otherwise it was a really good week at work. I know I've been working hard when I'm mentally drained and my eyes are a little bloodshot (too much time at the computer), but it's worth it.

Today we're moving rock. I feel like I slipped a year. :) But it should be good - get out in the fresh air and do a little work. I'm out of shape and I need to get back into working out in one way or another.

So it's June

I can't believe it's already June. It seems like yesterday MS and I were in Hawaii. Well, no, it doesn't but I was trying to make me feel better. :)

Today was absolutely gorgeous. I was going to run but I thought I'd take one more day off. Instead I just went for a walk after working a little late and took some pics of the flowers by the statue in the park by my apartment.

I should have ran. Today is National Running Day, but I spaced on that completely. Oh well. Tomorrow AM I will do my best to get up in the AM and get it done. I need to get out and run. It's been far too long.

Work was good today though. I actually got a few things accomplished. Tomorrow - a few more. Friday - a few more. Eventually I'll get caught up. :)

Sick of it!

I am so sick of being sick. It all started a few weeks back when MS caught something while at work before we went to Sconnie. We came back and I started coughing like he was. Then I ran a half, and since then I can't get over this crap.

I had gone to the doctor a couple weeks ago and he said it was just allergies and to take Claritin-D. That made it worse! I was coughing more and and up more throughout the night after taking that then if I just went with my cough meds. But I wanted to get over it all, so I took both Claritin-D and Robitussin.

That combo seemed to help and I started to get better. But Saturday I woke up with swollen glands and heaviness in my head. Sunday was just as bad. I can breathe through my nose fine. It's just this sinus crap.

I want it to go away. I don't want to get MS sick and he doesn't want to get sick either, so we hang out together but there's no touching allowed. This sucks.

And on top of that, this morning is an amazingly beautiful morning and I REALLY want to go for a run. But I have a sharp pain in my right temple and crud in my throat.

Sucky.

I made it about 19 hours

I'm not going to apologize. I'm not going to feel bad. It's not like I'm breaking down completely and gorging myself.

But I went on a walk...the the store...to buy a watermelon...and also got...dark chocolate kisses...and Cheerios.

None of these items are on Phase 1, let alone the cleanse plan. But I'm not going to feel bad. I'm not! I'm just figuring out that there are things in my life that I need.

Like food.

And not all food is bad. To quote the CD I've been listening to: "Food is food. It's not bad. It's just we can't overindulge."

She has an 80/20 rule when it comes to food - Eat well 80% of the meal, or the day, and the other 20% is yours. You eliminate the guilt, which can cause stress, which can cause weight gain.

So there you go. 80/20. And I need to run.

Edited to add: Okay, that was kind of a lame post, but the fact is I was sitting here with no motivation, could barely think let alone move so I could actually de-clutter which is my goal for today, so I needed to get something in me that would provide some sustenance and brain help. And it's not like I gave in completely and popped in the white trash pizza I have in my freezer, though I wouldn't be completely shocked if that happened later, at the rate I'm going.

Starting again

I need a fresh start. I need to lose weight which will in turn help me to feel better which in turn will give me a little more motivation to run which in turn will help me feel even better. A nice cycle.

So today is a cleansing day. Three days of Jay's special program (which is supposed to be a week - ugh). Today is water and juice. Tomorrow I can add in fresh fruit (watermelon is sounding REALLY good right now). Monday I add in fresh veggies - which is usually my cue to go to Olive Garden for salad (not that I can eat the breadsticks, which is sad, but the salad is good). For the latter, I'll probably just buy my own lettuce and get some more of their dressing.

Then Tuesday I'm starting Phase1. I talked MS into doing this with me again. He did it after we got back from Hawaii and lost 10 pounds. Of course then we went back to eating normal so that didn't really help. But we both need to slim down a bit.

We had thought about trying Ideal Protein, the latest craze at my workplace, but I'm not a big fan of just drinking shakes all day and eating salad and then a tiny sliver of protein at night. That feels too Slim Fastish for me. I'd rather eat real food.

So I'm going to do this again. I need to cut out my sugar intake; it's been bad lately. I need to drink more water. I need to eat breakfast - that's a big one. And that's my plan.

A lot of walking!!

Okay, so 4 miles was a little rough, but felt pretty good. The bad thing is I start to get in my head and then I was choking up and had a moment where I couldn't quite breathe. I did walk quite a bit, but I'll get it back. It's early in the season yet.

Running!!!!

I had my "Union" meeting today (I'm just the recorder since I don't qualify to be union or management) and we ended early. I asked our facilitator if I had to go back to the office. "Nope! This was the duty for today. You're free!"

YAY! I love early days (which makes me wonder just how much I'm actually liking my job these days...I may need to reevaluate that). So I'm going to go for a run! I tried the 10 minute Trainer (via Tony Horton) this morning but that sucked. A run will be much better.

Off I go!!! (shortly...I have to get my shoes on, watch, etc.)

Flip!

My life has flipped. Or turned 180 degrees. Or something.

Yesterday MS and I went to my niece and nephew's b-day party. Em's b-day was a month ago, but they were redoing their kitchen; Zach's b-day is next month but he has a baseball tournament that weekend. So my brilliant sister decided to hold the parties together.

It was a nice afternoon, albeit hot and muggy. Zach & MS hit some golf balls into the field across the road then played basketball. I went back and forth between the house and outside, stupidly having worn jeans so I was warm.

After the party, MS and I swung by the house so I could change and then we went to a nearby state lake to fish one last time during the "free fishing weekend". We caught one bullhead, 3 blue gills (only one worth keeping), and one carp (which I snagged) but then he got away despite the team effort. It was a nice, relaxing way to end the weekend.

But the flip is because while I was fishing, my dear friend Debbie was at the Guthrie enjoying one of my theater tickets - seeing "M. Butterfly". She texted when she got to the theatre, "OMG! The front row!" which is where my tickets are so I don't get distracted by the small aisles or the weird people. :) Then at intermission she texted she was loving the show. Then she called on her way home to tell me all about it.

I hung up the phone realizing that my life has completely done a 180. I now go camping and fishing. I'm trying to fit theater into my life. It's weird. Not necessarily bad, just weird.

It's the wrong time of year, I know

I'm trying to find my Discardia moment. I missed it in March and I'm not sure I can wait until the end of June to start on this stuff.

I've been sorting through a bunch of papers, receipts, magazines, etc, that I've had in a box lid the past few months. I finally put a bunch of it in the burn box and have the recycling box filling up. But I also have the "Pile to Read". At least it's not as big as it once was.

The bad thing is I have always sorted on the floor and in a horseshoe around where I sit. So I have this huge space taken up with piles of a few papers all organized pretty like. What happens is I usually stack these, put them in a box and then in a few weeks go through them again - spreading them out in the horseshoe and hopefully whittling it down a little further. The cycle continues.

I really need to get a file cabinet. Really Really bad. Maybe I can talk MS into getting me one tomorrow after Zach & Em's b-day party. I think that would help. I could sort it into the files right away, even having files of "to-read" but they would at least be off my floor.

This might be the next best step. Until then, I'm going to just keep sorting and hopefully finding more to shred/burn and recycle.

Date Night

MS and I have instituted Date Night once a week (starting last night). We kind of made a day of it, so I took yesterday off. YAY for vacation time!

Of course, I got called in for an hour so MS mowed while I went in and took care of business and then swung to the mall to get my hairs cut. The latter was desperately needed.

Then because the state had open parks this weekend, include free fishing, we headed to a local state park and spent the afternoon fishing for whatever we could find. Of course we went at the wrong time of day, but we did get a little Blue Gill and 5 Bullheads. We threw one of the latter back, hoping for something bigger, but we decided to keep the other 4. And because we're such big fish lovers, we buried them in the garden for fertilizer. :)

Official Date Night was low key, but very nice. We went to Qdoba for supper (I felt like I was cheating on Chipotle a bit, but there's no Chipotle around here!) and then went to the bike trails and walked a couple miles chatting about things we want to do in the future - kayaking, theater, travel to the west coast to see friends, travel south to see other friends, maybe go to Ireland or Australia. And we talked about work futures and other just normal stuff.

That was it, but it was really nice to just get out of the house and be with each other. It's too bad we're both still a little sick. If only we could get over this crap, life would be so much better. :)

*hack hack*

This has been a week of the cough.

So MS started to get sick a couple days before we went to Sconnie. He got back and went to the doctor last Wednesday who told him he had a sinus infection and bronchitis. Nice.

I started coughing Wednesday night. Dammit.

My half marathon was scheduled for Saturday. Nervous I was, but I decided to test the waters Friday and then see how my knees felt. Yes, I was worried about my knees more than my lungs. MS was the other way around.

Well both felt okay Friday...knees were great (new shoes rock!) and the lungs were a little tight but I thought it was doable.

So I ran. And then I spent the rest of the day hacking. And Sunday. And Sunday night.

So Monday I went to the doctor and told him my plight. He checked me out and said, "It's allergies. Take Claritin-D." Uh, okay.

So Tuesday I picked up the drugs. And took them Tuesday night. And coughed all night.

And coughed all day Wednesday. Dr. Mom called that early afternoon and said, "You should be taking Robitussin." Uh, okay.

So I bought some. And hacked only a little Wednesday night, but still woke up. And woke up with a bloody nose (which tells me it's very dry in this house). And I've hacked off and on most of today.

But I feel a little better now. And I'm going to take some drugs and pray I make it through the night. I'm going on vacation tomorrow - one day - and I need to breathe. I also need to get over this crap so I can start running again. Moe is getting chubby. Not good.

Race

Okay, so I ran it. I actually drove an hour yesterday AM, picked up my packet, ran 3 hours for 13.1 miles, spent 30 minutes with my brother, and drove an hour back. Then I spent the afternoon on the couch in pain. I really should have gone for a walk but that didn't work.

Initially I was happy I finished. I haven't been running like I should - training? ha! That's a joke. And then this past week catching either bronchitis from MS or just a really nasty cough with a tiny bit of congestion wasn't good either. So the run was rough. The first couple miles I was okay, but just before the water stop at mile 2.5 I started to have some shallow breathing. I walked through the water stop and then headed out again. The rest of the race was a lot of walking with some running intermixed. When I'd start to run, my breathing would get labored so I'd walk. My legs were a little tight too, but it wasn't bad.

But then I got to thinking about it and realized how stupid I probably was in running it, but I just wanted to finish. And it didn't help that the first full marathon female finisher came in 4 minutes after me. Wow...I felt slow. It took me the same amount of time to finish 13.1 that it took her to finish 26.2. Sad. My time really depressed me. I felt like I had regressed three years in my running. Not good.

So I'm going back and forth. I have a pretty medal for finishing. But I finished 34 minutes slower than my half PR. But I can still walk. But my legs still hurt.

I have learned this:
- Don't run when you're congested - at least not 13.1 miles
- Training is a good thing
- P90X must return to my life ASAP
- Running must return to my life ASAP
- Proper fuel is important too (I had four bites of a PB sandwich before running - that probably didn't help)
- Stretch!!!
- If you're going to give yourself a "No-Slower-Than" time (NST) be smart about it (mine on Saturday was 3 hours...and I made that...but it makes me wonder if I had said 2:40 if I would have made that as well)
- Breathe and relax
and most important
- You can do anything you put your mind to - make sure you put your mind to the right things.

Going to do it

My run wasn't too bad this afternoon. My knees felt pretty good (new shoes!) and my time was ...eh, okay. I ran a 5K in 34.56. That felt good considering I thought I was just under 3 miles in that time. My splits were good, though as I'm rethinking them...I thought my first mile was 10:31 but that was with some extra running because the mile actually ended earlier than I thought per my map. So not bad. My pace was 11:11 and that would get me ending right around 2 1/2 hours, which is decent for me considering everything. I just hope my lungs and legs hold up. Now it's mind game.

Really need to stop this...

For the last few years I have signed up for the marathon that is traditionally held this weekend. Two years ago I bailed having not ran at all leading up to it. Last year I ran it but only go through mile 13 before bailing to save my knee. This year I just signed up for the half and on top of the fact I haven't really been running much, I have a great cough (thanks, MS!) that concerns me a bit.

Am I nuts for considering it still? I came home from work early so I can rest a bit and then go for a short exploratory run to test the knee and the lungs. We'll see how it goes I guess. I really hate committing to something and then backing out...again. But sometimes that's the breaks, I guess. It just sucks.

A plan because...

Without a plan there's no attack, and without an attack there's no victory!

I'm going to take next Friday off from work I think and start the process of decluttering (for real this time) my apartment. I have great new artwork via Edith from E&K that I want to get hung up. I have piles of paper that are just driving me insane. I need to get this accomplished and to do that I need to start. And to start I need a plan.

So Monday I'm going to go scope out file cabinets and buy some more hanging file folders. I have tons of the manilla folders, but not many hanging folders. I have some stuff already set up for the garage sale so I'm going to see if Mike is okay with me bringing it out to the house now so I don't have it in the apartment. I am going to take down recycling...if not tonight, this weekend. And it will begin. I have a week to work out more of my plan, but the big thing is I just need to start.

On another note, I have made a commitment via stickK.com to not bite my nails. This means I have been chewing a lot of gum this last week. They look okay after a week, but they are pretty flimsy, so if anyone has any suggestions on strengthening my nails, I'd appreciate it. When they get flimsy they tear a lot easier and that will just make me want to "trim" it a little and not in the best way. :)

I really need time at my apartment - a lot longer than a couple hours at night before bedtime. That will help. I need to make it a priority to set that time aside.

Interesting

So I have access to a few new sites at work these days - it's slowly coming on board at least. Right now I can log in to blogger, I can post to my blog, but I can't view my blog. That's where I'm at right now, at this very moment.

I'm REALLY hoping this changes soon. I have another blog that I've kept pretty private that I need to print today before my therapy session and I can't do it at home because I don't have a printer. So I'm stuck hoping and crossing fingers that by this afternoon I'll be able to view my blog.

Despite the fact that this new development will probably cause some unproductivity at work, I'm really excited for at least blogger to be up and running. While it works, I don't really like blogging on email, sending it home, and then copying and pasting it later. So this might be good.

So here's my inaugural post from the return of blogger to work. Here we go!

One note though - I will still continue to not talk about work here unless I'm talking in code. I don't need to be dooced.

Weekend with Nika

Here are just a few of my pics from our weekend with Nika. To start we spent some time playing bucketball. MS would toss a small soft football into the bucket and Nika would catch it. Of course, soon the bucket turned into a hat. :)





I'm really glad MS and Nika got along. They had a lot of fun...though in this one, I'm not sure who had more. Legos and building are always a joy for MS; Nika seemed to have some fun too. :)

It's time for those-things-that-shall-not-be-named again

I’m back at work today and it’s going okay. I’m sort of staying motivated despite a heavy head and occasional snotty moment. MS picked up something last week had that over the weekend. Yesterday on the way home, all of a sudden I was achy and nauseated. Not a good combo. We stopped to eat and that helped a bit but not much. Felt pretty crappy last night and today I just have the sinus thing with occasional cough. I could have used a vacation after my vacation. But since my boss has been traveling basically non-stop for the last 3 weeks I can’t really complain.

A vacation might be in need soon though. MS asked me if my apartment disarray is a norm. Lately, yes, sadly. I explained to him that my life used to be pretty routine – Work my work week T-F, Saturday was decompression day with a run and relaxing, Sunday was church and baking or reading, Monday was errand and cleaning day. It wasn’t always a mess, though usually it has a little disarray. Part of that is I have limited places to put things and I’m a packrat when it comes to papers so I generally have NLPs that I need to sort though, file, recycle or burn. But I can sense his concern. He’s a packrat too, but he usually has his stuff in bins or boxes whereas mine is out on the floor.

So I’m going to look up the Discardia dates (which I thought were on my calendar at work, but aren’t) and schedule some vacation for me around those dates so the moon will be aligned and I’ll have a goal set for when I’m going to do some serious spring cleaning and purging. I won’t wait to start until then – I can get boxes ready and start with some stuff now. But those will be the official dates.
- I’ll get a 3 drawer file cabinet and get my work files in order.
- I’ll sort through my files and see what really needs to be kept and what can go.
- I’ll check with my bank and finance places on going electronic.
- I’ll get an external hard drive and move my photos and important files to that.
- I’ll sort through my storage containers and keep what I really need.
- I’ll get my books sold or ready for the rummage (so this will have to be soon since we were looking at a June 11 rummage) or I’ll donate them to Goodwill and chalk it up to a big tax write off.
- I’ll be diligent about not having so much sentimental value over things that are ancient and mean little.
- I will sort my crafty stuff into a crafty container.
- I’ll have my yarn in storage where it will keep dry but be easily accessible.
- I’ll purge and dwindle my belongings to the necessities – those needed and wanted only, not the things I think I might need someday.

And maybe, just maybe, I’ll find some peace.

Sconnie!

Everyone is asleep except MS and me. Well, basically that's Nika and K because E had to go on an unexpected trip. So we're watching Superman and I thought I'd write.

We're in Sconnie which is always a good time. I thought it would be fun to introduce MS to the world of cheese and beer and enjoy some time with my adorable Goddaughter. I have a lot of pictures but I haven't uploaded them yet.

It's been a great trip. We got in Friday night and relaxed over some kabobs. Saturday we went to the Domes in Milwaukee and had a little road trip (complete with a sideroad tour and some accidents and traffic to work around). We ate lunch at the best Mexican place I know and then headed back home for naps. Hyde decided to curl up with me so I didn't sleep - sneezing and chest tightening up left a nap to be desired.

Saturday night Alicia came over, K's sister, and we had pizza from Marty's and played a little Farkle. I still can't believe E won with a 14000+ roll. Insane! But a lot of fun.

Today MS and I hung out with Nika while E&K went to work. This is where I have a lot of photos but I'll get them up this week, I promise. WE had a blast and Nike and MS really hit it off. :)

After lunch K and I went for a trail hike to have our time alone, as we do. It was a beautiful mother's day and the trail was wonderful. I drug MS out for some fresh air after we got back and we had a nice little walk.

So now we're just chillin' while the ladies nap. We're taking K out for dinner tonight for Mother's Day and as a thank you for the great weekend. Like K said though...we're family so it's just great to have us together again.

Two in a row

Therapy two days in a row is not something I would recommend. Today hurt. I felt physically exhausted before I even showed up. Probably not the best way to start. And I have to say, I hate sitting in silence with someone looking at me the whole time. I understand the reasoning but man, i hate that. I felt like I was under a microscope. blech.

Anyway, my tasker this week is to journal and I'm supposed to bring it with me. The thing is, I don't write in a journal...I'll type it. I can keep up with my brain better, but she didn't seem to keen on that.

Well, too bad. I'm going to stand up for me for once and do what works best for me. The point is for me to journal about the stuff she wants me to journal about, right? And this will help me to do it best. This is my tool, my instrument for writing...the "typewriter" of today. So I will begin.

Look up

This month's NaBloPoMo theme is "Look Up". Not that I've signed up this month, or anything, but I do like the theme. Someday I will blog every day again. I miss writing.

But for now, I was thinking about the theme. Yesterday, we had a work party - a spring fiesta, if you will (or as I continued to call it - "Uno de Mayo") and KC and I did the planning.

We were thinking about a cookout, but let's face it, we cannot trust the weather in this state at all. So we opted for a Mexican themed party instead. We had a salsa contest and the winner got a big can of cheddar cheese (expired 2006) that we found in one of our breakroom cupboards; we had a jeopardy game to help the different sections get to know one another (we had a lot of fun making that one - the first question someone chose was "This person is considered the top dog" to which the answer was Boss1 or we would also accept Moe (me); and of course a pinata smashing contest.

KC made a sun and named him Miguel and we borrowed some goggles that were "fatal vision" goggles where they were warped to look like certain blood alcohol levels. Now the fact we already had quite a bit of alcohol before the pinata contest, I'm not sure we needed the goggles too.

The fun part was spinning folks slowly (so they wouldn't throw up) and then handing them the plunger handle and telling them to aim right in front of them. Finally Boss1 broke it down and the boys scrambled for the candy.

"Look Up" Definitely needed when hitting a pinata in a tree, and when you don't know where you should look or aim, it's tough.

That's kind of how I feel sometimes. I need to remember to look up more. I feel this need to fix me lately and I know I need to look up a bit more to get there. It's not that I don't now, but maybe a little bit more would help.

So I'm reading "Eat, Pray, Love" again. I only got through Italy the last time I started it, but I really want to read the whole thing (not because the movie is coming out). For one, I need a lighter book instead of my "How the way we talk can change the way we work" or "Tired of trying to measure up" books. And for two, it's just a good read. I need a break.

Pop culture

Yesterday MS and I went to see Avatar. We had both heard great reviews about the movie and its stunning effects. I’m always skeptical about these “must-see” movies because it seems like those are the ones I don’t like. I never made it through E.T. and I don’t remember much if anything about the Star Wars trilogy (and never saw the “first” three). So, I thought maybe it'd be good for me to once see one of these "must-see" movies. I'm glad I did.

I wasn't too keen on how they portrayed the military is being so...well, "militant". I know that probably seems wrong, but the military isn't always all "let's go blow things up and then turn around and go home." Sometimes, maybe, but not always, and it seemed to make this out to being such an evil empire.

I did like the Na'vi. Becoming one with the Earth and really centering in on how the whole ecostructure works together was amazing. I think that already exists, we just aren't open enough to see it.

But learning about the locals (indigenous) people made me think about how our first impressions about others are often misguided. One of my hometown newsmen has a blog now that he's retired and today I read about his recent adventure with first impressions. It's so true these days how we are so skeptical of one another, hesitant to step into anything and if you do jump in head first there are at least a dozen people trying to pull you back to so-called 'reality'.

So here's to giving people a chance before judgment. Here's to opening our minds to the wonders that are out there. Here's to loving life. :)

One year

One year ago today, at 4:45 p.m. exactly, I walked into Texas Roadhouse and met this man: MS. :) Granted he was much more suave on our original meeting. :) We had a wonderful 3 hour dinner then went to a local dive and had a couple drinks while playing cribbage.



Since then we have been almost inseparable. And it's been wonderful. We've worked on his yard, he's encouraged my running even helping during my marathon, we even went camping (where we played even more cribbage).



I love you, honey. I look forward to many more years together. *smooch* xoxox

Running, writing and something "r" related

I started running again last Tuesday. The first day felt pretty good, but day two hurt. So I took a couple days off and then ran again on Saturday. It was a nice run then...humid but at least I did better. I didn't run yesterday though I should have and I probably should today, but I'm going to hold off until tomorrow.

The bad thing is I have 3 weeks until the half marathon I signed up for back in January (thinking I would have been running more these past few months). And I should have been running. Between all the stress with Morty and then deciding to start therapy for my mental health, I haven't had a lot of mental strength to get out and run.

What's funny is yesterday I was surfing through some old running sites I have bookmarked and I found one for One More Mile running. And I found a great t-shirt that I really wanted to buy. I didn't but I wanted to because it's very true, "Running IS cheaper than therapy."

It makes me think a bit...maybe I just need to be running more. I don't mind therapy and yet I do. I've never been one to talk about myself and dredging up all this old crap that I don't want to dredge up is just making me feel almost worse than I did before. It's exhausting and going every week is getting to be a lot.

I suppose that would be giving up though and running away from my problems. I sometimes wonder though if dredging all this up is really as healthy as people say it is...it seems to dredge up more than is really necessary.

Anyway...I'm just rambling. I haven't written in a while. On a very happy note, I did finally remember that hulu.com has Glee available so I was able to catch up with the last two episodes and I'm all ready for tomorrow. :)

Glee!

I love lazy Sundays, and though I feel a little guilty about not really doing anything, I'm glad for today.

The church I've been frequenting since moving here had called a month ago asking if I would be a greeter one morning and today was it. I got a letter last week stating I had to be there 15-20 minutes before the service. They also sent a nice little nametag which I was so excited to wear (not).

Well, I was running late this morning because I had to make-shift hem my pants (double-sided tape and an iron) and it took a little longer than I planned. But I was there 14 minutes before the service and I got a fair number of people greeted. Mom had shown up for the service (supporting her daughter "greeting") 30 minutes before the service so she said I was late. Whatever.

We went out for breakfast after to catch up on a few things. That was nice...we hadn't had a good talk like that in a while. I'm working on being more open and direct with my mother because I know I struggle with that. I did talk to her about learning what voice mail means - and she was a little put out but not overly so at least. I think the fact that her current BF had said somewhat of the same thing (like interrupting him talking to comment about some random thing going through her head, which is annoying and makes it seem like she's not really listening) and I commented about her talking to me on one phone and then hanging up on me because her other phone starts ringing. Anyway...

So then I was going to go up to her place and mow for her ... that is until I realized that I'm on call today as a VA and if I can't hear my phone I'm not really going to be useful. This also kept me from feeling truly comfortable going for a run...which probably wasn't good either.

BUT...it did give me a great opportunity to watch Glee. I've been catching bits and pieces because it's been on at a weird time for me so I've known what's been going on but I've missed some things. Alison loaned me Volume 1 so I spent today catching up. I really love this show. I have to watch last week's yet so that I'm ready for Tuesday. The Madonna Episode. WOOHOO! :)

So today I had one of my, what used to be called, "normal days". I knitted, ate popcorn, watched hours of TV shows. I did take a break to run to a store to pick up MS's motorcycle battery, but otherwise, I just relaxed. It was nice.

Tomorrow we're planting the garden...probably a little late, but we're both novice's at this thing. Hopefully we can figure out enough to get some stuff to grow. :)

A lazy Friday

This morning's conference ended earlier than planned so SW, MM and I headed on the road...with plans to stop for food. We weren't in a real hurry to get back to the office (not that we had to go in, but still) so we stopped at a little restaurant for some breakfast. Well, I had a buffalo burger and fries. I was starving. This is what I get for not really eating supper the night before. But luckily neither of them had eaten either the night before, so we were all hungry.

But we got back to the office around 2, I finished up some vital projects I had to have done before Monday, and then I went home at 3. After some random stuff, I decided to veg and watch some Monk.

I really do love that show and you have no idea how upset I was when i realized I had watched the 4th disc of season 4 when I haven't watched 1-3 yet. Sheesh. That's not good.

But so I didn't feel like a total loser, I spent the time also updating my running scrapbook. I've had the pictures and stuff in there for awhile, but I hadn't written anything in about the races, so I did that. Some look better than others. My handwriting is not pretty and my original plan was to type and print it all up, but that would just take too much time (considering I don't have a printer). So I wrote on nice paper and glued them in. I'm happy it's coming together. I have the most recent Irishman to do yet, but I'm waiting to see if there are any decent pictures of me from the day per the race folks. I didn't get any taken which is against my nature.

So the best part of my day, besides chatting with MS who's at work, was just enjoying the relaxation of the day and the anticipation of a quiet weekend to come. I have three more days with not much scheduled, and I can't tell you how glad that makes me feel. After last week's intensity, a quiet weekend will be a welcome joy.

The Best Part

So maybe this will help my writing that I've been wanting to do for so long. Andrea at Superhero Journal, one of my favorite writers and if I can ever meet her a Mondo Beyondo dream come true, wrote recently about "favorite parts".

This really hit me tonight. Recently in our company we have suffered two losses, both to the sad act of suicide. One was a member of the company, another was the daughter of one of our workers. We found out about the latter as we were driving to a conference and Steve said, "This really puts all those little things into perspective."

And it really does. I think about this whenever I talk about the fact I'm trying to fix me with therapy. The things that bother me, and things that irk me to the point where I can't see the happiness in life, are so minor...so trival. I can't even fathom getting to the point in my life where I would want to end it. There's so much that I want to do, but for some there is so much they don't have hope for.

I have hope. I have faith. I have a wonderful life. So why do I let all these little stupid things weigh so heavily on me. Like this distance between remorse and repentance thing? Why is this so important to figure out in me? Why can't I just bury things down and forget about them and the rare moments they rise up, I just cry them out and be done with it? Why drag all this crap out in to the open which is just causing me so much heartache while I'm supposedly "getting better"?

But maybe i do need that help. And maybe if I take a moment at the end of each day to do what Andrea suggests - "What was the best part of the day? What was the highlight" - I can find the happiness and joy all the time and not worry so much about the rest of the little stuff.

So today - I had a fun moment where I was hanging out with bosses talking fishing; and the best part was talking with MS this morning, hearing his soft chuckle in my ear and him telling me that he loves me.

And the fact it's Nika's 2nd birthday doesn't hurt either. Love you, Nika!

So much for that

So I was going to write more but the last week has been absolutely insane. Last Wednesday I had a meeting after work; last Thursday I had a meeting after work; last Friday I had to do laundry and such after work; last Saturday I was actually able to leave work on time (by T-F standards); and last Sunday I had a meeting after work.

That left Monday to try to get my brain on straight and MS and I had errands to run and to take his mom to a doctor appointment. I will say this for the latter, it allowed me time to catch up on the Real Simple magazine which was nice.

But then again yesterday, I again had a meeting after work. And today, I had a meeting the last hour of work which was great because I actually got home before I should have gotten off work because the meeting ended early.

But this is just too much these days! I miss those days when I didn't have as much going on - of course, then I was bored and depressed most of the time so maybe this is better.

My meeting yesterday left me with a task, so maybe I will be writing more. I need to define the difference between repentance and remorse - and then figure out where I fall between those two. That should be interesting. Of course the intellect in me has already gone to that awesome resource: Wikipedia. hahaha Probably not the best but it it does have an interesting entry on repentance in Judaism.

So that's on my list of to-do's for tonight since MS is working. Laundry, packing for a work trip and repent vs. remorse. A riveting evening. :)

Where did the writing go?

I've been wondering lately if I haven't been writing because I've been avoiding things or because I just don't have time. The latter is true, although part of that is because when I'm at MS's place I don't like to take a lot of time on the computer at night because we get such few hours together in the evenings - especially during the week when I'm working all day.

But I really do miss writing. I miss doing NaBloPoMo every day. I miss 2008 when I wrote every day without missing, sometimes twice. I miss journaling.

I'm not sure why I miss it...if it's because I don't really feel like I have an outlet for my thoughts anymore or if I miss the completion of a task each day. I do like to complete tasks when I can and this is an easy one - sit down and write. I want to write. Someday I'd like to write a book, but to write you have to write. And lately I haven't been writing.

How can I fix this? Write more. I need to take the time to do it, just like I do for P90X or running or sleep. It's part of me and I need to acknowledge that and not push it away.

We'll see how I do.

What's fish?

Emmy said today, "I don't really like seafood. I just like fish."

Painting, Pizza and Pins

OOB, Mom and I took the niece and nephew (Em and Zach) out today. They had the day off of school and since their getting a new kitchen at their house, it was probably better if they didn't spend the day at home getting underfoot. And bonus: OOB was in town so what a better time than to spend some with their uncle they don't get to see very often.

So we had a day of adventure planned. We painted pottery (my choice) again! YAY! OOB and Zach never had painted pottery so Em and I gave them some tips. It'll be fun to see how everything turns out. I did a vase in the dottery genre made famous by Bethany Actually. It looks like it'll be pretty cool. I almost liked it dull; hopefully, when it's fired it'll still look good. Em did a mug for her mom for Mother's Day; Zach did a tumbler; and OOB did a mug for his wife since he's been away from her all weekend. They all did great.

Then we headed to MS's workplace to check out the firetrucks. MS gave us a mini-tour of the truck and explained some stuff. I figured this was at least some way for the kids to get some education, too, instead of just fun all day. :) And MS likes to teach people new things so it was his moment to shine a bit as well.

Food was next on the agenda as we were all starving. We hit CiCi's pizza and OOB and Zach had a mini eating contest. I'm not really sure who won. I don't mind CiCi's, but it gets to be too much food - more than I need. I was stuffed the rest of the day.

So we went to work it off at the bowling alley. This was a great time. The first round was a little rough for everyone (except OOB who consistently scored a 112 all three rounds). Em was struggling a bit, but by round three she got a strike. The look on her face was so precious - pure joy and excitement. It was so wonderful to see. She had been a little quiet most of the day, but at that moment she lit up like a Christmas tree and was excited after that. We played another round and she got a 10 pin spare (guttered the first roll, then all 10 the second - so a mini strike). I did well too, getting several strikes which made me happy. I need to practice a little more though.

Then it was time to go home and meet up with the kids' folks. We had dinner and talked for awhile. The OOB came home with me to see my apartment and Mom picked him up. It was so good to spend some time with him. It had been a great weekend but we didn't really get time to talk. We usually find time to do that alone at some point during visits wherever we are. We have always gotten along well, and it was rough when he first moved East. But we've done well keeping in touch over the years.

Love you, OOB. I'm really glad you made it here.

Prodigal Son

It's Good Friday in the Lutheran world and I'm mixing up my Bible a bit. The Prodigal Son has returned; that is, my OOB has returned home for the weekend.

It's always fun when OOB visits. He's a riot and we get to have our religion debate just for fun (he's Catholic). He's just great to have around; we get along very well.

And he got to meet many of the newbies to the extended family - my MS, mom's boyfriend, Kevin's new girlfriend (though he intro'd her as "friend" so I'm not sure). And then since there are a ton of b-days in the family this time of year, we celebrated those as well.

The bad thing is his arrival required killing the fatted calf - or at least going out for a huge meal. We went to Olive Garden (mom had a coupon) and ate way.too.much. I love their salad and breadsticks though. Their b-day cake left a lot to be desired. TOO sweet, and I like sweets.

Tomorrow we do the Moe family Easter. Then Sunday MS and I repeat our Thanksgiving tradition and will make up the other turkey we have in the freezer (well, it's in the fridge thawing now). OOB and my mom and MS's mom are all coming out. That will be interesting...entertaining. hmmmmm

For now, I'm stuffed and need to rest. Tomorrow will be a long day. :)

Another month over

March was another one of those long months. Uffda. At least I wasn't sick for most of it, just overwhelmed emotionally instead.

I'm proud to say, though, that I'm taking steps to get better. I'm talking out some of my issues, not only with MS (when I can without bawling) but with someone else as well. It's a big step for me, one that I know K has wanted for me for years. Despite the anxiety I feel before we meet I do feel better that I'm doing this. I was never going to be "ready" for it, I just had to do it.

I'm excited for this next month. April is usually a good time. My OOB is coming home this weekend for Easter and I have to say I am super excited for that. MS and I are also hosting our first Easter with our respective moms, OOB and a turkey we've had since Thanksgiving. It'll be great, right? :)

My family is also having Easter on Saturday at YOB's. He and his new girlfriend are hosting, so I'm bringing baskets for the kids - with limited candy. It should be fun.

But now, I'm exhausted and going to go to bed. Tomorrow starts a new day, a new month and a new beginning.

Vacation!!

I took a mini break this weekend to catch up on some theatre and see a couple friends. So I headed to the Cities. The Guthrie had two awesome shows playing this weekend: Macbeth and Brief Encounter. The first was amazing. Macbeth is such a great play anyway, but this rendition was intense. I wanted to give a standing "O" but I couldn't stand up I was so overwhelmed. Brief Encounter was put on by 9 actors from England who were amazing. Between the singing, the comic relief and the great acting of Noel Coward's writing it was a perfect end to a great weekend.

Saturday I got to spend some time with Edith and her adorable little girl. Edith does amazing artwork of Luther's Small Catechism (the orange version) which I have been giving to K&E since Nika was born as gifts - partly for Nika as my Godmom duties, but also because they are just so beautiful and they seem to fit so well in their house. I'm really excited for Edith's next works to come out - she's going to be doing the Morning and Evening Prayers. I can't wait! I love the latter and I can't wait to get one of those not only for Nika, but also for me.

Sunday I went to church at Central. I needed that. Pastor Rick is wonderful at keeping things in the present. What I mean by that is, while I love my pastor at home, Big O tends to keep things pretty stoic and serious during church. Pastor Rick, on the other hand, keeps things real and in the moment. At one point while the kids were up front to sing he said something about how it was "kung-fu palm branches" up there. :) Cantorei sang too, so I was able to hear some great music again and got to see Aaron and his partner David, Jane, Dave, and of course Debbie.

Debbie and I went out for lunch which turned into over 4 hours at Chili's. We caught up, talked a lot, and had a good time. It was great to meet up with her again...the last time I saw her it was at the marathon in October.

Today I'm going to maybe hit Ikea ("I-kea, that's comfortable."), Chipotle and then head home. Maybe. The damn alarm clock in the room next door went off at 6am and no one answered at the front desk to turn it off until 7. Ugh. So I now have a mild headache and I'm thinking I might just head home earlier than I had thought. I have an appointment later this afternoon, so it might not be bad for me to get home earlier so I can get some other things done too.

This was a much needed weekend though. I always feel bad when I come up and I don't see all my friends, but I also don't want to be spending my entire weekend going from appointment to appointment trying to meet up with everyone and then not get any relaxation. These are my vacations and I need to rest too.

Okay...I need to clean up and either head out or head out. :)

Eggcellent

Holy Eggs, Batman!



Yesterday, my brother Kevin and his kids and his GF and her little girl met me at Color Me Mine for an Easter Egg painting extravaganza. We had a lot of fun and I got to paint again! YAY! Truly, I could have spend the entire afternoon there painting eggs, and I may have to do that next year, but in the end I painted two - one for MS and one for me. The rest were done by everyone else.

I like the opportunities, like I have had this weekend, where I get to spend time with my nieces and nephews. They are such great kids and that was one of my deciding factors for applying for and accepting the job I have here now. I'm closer to them and can watch them grow up a bit more. My other 3 nephews and 1 niece all live so far away and it's just difficult to get out there to see them. I do need to make more of an effort for that, but I think I say that every year and life seems to keep getting in the way.

Anyway, the eggs were great and we pick them up next week. :) YAY! Final pics to follow.

Weird morning

I should have been cleaning. I should have been going through clothes to donate and clothes to keep. I should have been doing laundry. I should have finished dishes. I should have made more cookies. I should have gone to church. I should have...

I'm sure I have more. But the fact is, this morning, I got up late, farted around for awhile and then did X-Stretch. I was going to make cookies but I realized I was out of icing. I was going to do laundry but I decided to wait until tomorrow. I should have been cleaning but instead I opted to go through my Blog Bookmarks and see who's still writing and who isn't. I deleted a few off my bookmark list who have gone out of service. I toyed with deleting others that haven't updated in a long time, but I think I'll wait and maybe do it later.

I painted my toenails and am watching Charlie and the Chocolate Factory because Emmy and I were talking about it yesterday. I'm killing time until I have to leave to go paint with my brother and his gang. And I'm still thinking about my future.

There's a possible move for me in the future - one I can do or one I can turn down. It's a big change to my life if I say yes; but still a change if I say no because I'm not sure what would stay the same and what would change. I have an appointment on Tuesday to talk to an outside source on this (K). MS is coming along to it so we can talk it out too, because it would affect him as well.

I go back and forth on the good and bad of it all. But if I'm going to move I really should be starting to clean and pack now. If I'm not, then I just need to clean.

Emmy Day

So Emmy and I had a Aunt/Niece day yesterday. We did a lot (most of which I forgot to document - so alas...I'm going to do this with words instead).

We started the day making cookies...surprise, surprise. I had her roll out the sugar cookies and she did great! They were the right thickness and we baked them perfectly so of course they were delicious! We had a lot of fun decorating them. These were mine. I was really proud of my ducky and carrots. I'll have to make some more, but I'm out of icing.

Then we headed to Color Me Mine to paint. I love painting pottery and Bethany Actually has really inspired me with some things. It's just too bad that I'm not very artistic. I ended up just painting a little funky box that I think I'll use for all my hair ties. Emmy painted a mug. I should have pictures of those next week sometime.

Then we were going to go to lunch, but restaurants at 12:30 on a Saturday are awful in this town, so we ended up at the mall, signed her in for a hair-trim, and went to Culvers for something simple. If nothing else, that 90 minutes reminded me once again why I refuse to go to the mall on weekends and why I hate shopping in general.

We ran my car through the car wash to take off a layer of caked on dirt and then headed to music museum. That was awesome. My niece had been their before, I found out later, but we had a good time nonetheless. We played a game on the way there where we had to come up with a word based on the last letter of the previous word. So...she said elevator, I said, radio, she said octopus, I said, shelf...etc. We had fun but we did discover a lot of words end in "e" which is tough to start a word. Oh well.

It was a really good day. Today I'm painting again; this time with my other niece and nephew - Jake and Ava. It's egg day! I can't wait!

MIA

I feel like I've been missing lately. I haven't really been on facebook. I haven't really been on my blog this month. I feel like when I do get here I'm trying to catch up so much that I can't really appreciate and enjoy the time I'm here. I don't like that.

It's been busy the last few days. I took today off and MS and I went to the nearest tax location (that works for him - long story) to get our taxes done. I had already completed mine through a website at work that sets it up for free, but I went along to see if they got the same amount as I did. They did, so I let them e-File for me.

It was a long day but good. I'm glad I'm home. MS is at a work meeting tonight so I'm here trying to play catch up. My apartment is a mess and I really need to clean. I also want to make sugar cookies so I can decorate them before my Thursday night meeting...but I'm thinking I might wait until tomorrow night. It's Wednesday tomorrow which means nothing is really on tv, so it might work better.

I'm going to go clean now and see if I can find my kitchen counter. someday I'll catch up.

Irishman, Family and Pi

Yesterday I ran the Irishman races here in town. It's a progressive race, as K called it, where you run the 5 miler at 9am, the 5K at 11:30am, and then a 1 mile race at 2pm before the St. Patty's parade.

Karen ran it with me and I think we were both a little skeptical on how we would do. Neither of us has ran much in the last few weeks. I have been doing P90X so I had some strength training to go on, but Karen had been sick so it was touch and go.

But mostly it was go! We only walked twice during the 5miler for about 20 ft each; the 5K was a little rougher with a couple extra walks; and the 1 miler went great. The only bad part was the course - there were a few spots where the trail was completely covered with deep water, so trying to go around it through the bushes or over rocks made it feel a bit like a trail run. There was one section of all ice and we saw a guy who (I'm guessing) had biffed it there with a really bad head wound - at least it looked that way, but head wounds always bleed more. He was upright and walking back and I'm praying he was okay.

After the races I showered quick, grabbed a full-fledged Whopper (unusual for me) and drove two hours to the Family Program Conference for work. I was receiving an award for Worker of the Year (better title in real life) so I had to be there. It was a great time, except they had no Guinness to complete my Irish day. I did get ice cream though (full-fat ice cream, no less) so that kind of made up for it.

This morning we finished the conference with Rick Nielsen, founder of Blueprint for Life, Inc. He spoke about how what we say really makes a difference. He's done a lot of work in prisons, meeting and speaking with some of the most notorious (including Charles Manson). He spoke of how at one prison the captain of the death-row cell block gave those men hope. They would go to each cell and the captain had so much to say about them - this one is great with art, this one writes poems, this one can sing. It was really amazing. The sad thing is, at one death row place Rick went, he was told that he was the only visitor this one inmate had had in 8 years of the 10 he had been there.

He spoke of how he would ask them about their tattoos and their former life. Overwhelmingly the inmates would say how in school (at a young age, no less) they would be told they were a loser or if they kept up whatever it was, they would end up in prison. They were constantly put down. His message was that we need to speak positively and reinforce the good in people - maybe we wouldn't have all these problems we have today.

It reminded me of a book I had gotten in seminary called "How the Way We Talk Can Change the Way We Work" by Kegan and Lahey. I haven't read it but it's been sitting on my table for about a month. I'm going to read it now. It's so crucial. I think back to my college years and how I wasn't "quite" good enough to have the lead role in plays because "I didn't look the part". It wasn't that I wasn't skilled, but I didn't look right. I know that has effected (affected?) the way I continue to look at myself today. It's a struggle to get past that.

Anyway...that's a heavy load for today, but uplifting at the same time. And with that, I leave you with: Happy Pi Day! :)

My ass twitches

It’s funny how life comes around to bite you in the ass. For years when my friends have had struggles I’ve always asked them if they’ve talked with someone – professionally, that is. My statement was always, “There’s no shame in therapy. In fact, in New York people are considered odd if they don’t have a therapist. We should all be going to a therapist!”

But when it comes to me, I somehow have felt I haven’t needed one. “I can deal with the issue(s).” “DLE was just a dumbass.” “It was Dad’s time to go.” “ They’re just petty – it’s nothing vital that needs to be talked to a professional about, especially for oodles of money/hour.” “It’s just stupid stuff and a good run will get me through.” And the kicker, “I don’t need a therapist.” Plus I think I have felt because my thoughts have always seemed petty and lame after getting through my crying jag that it’s just pathetic to even go and a) waste the money or b) waste someone else’s precious time (or even mine for that matter).

All that said (and most of the time I still think like that), I find I’m at a point that I probably can’t just run anymore. For one, trying to run through the problems are affecting my actual runs – I get distracted and I can’t focus on my breathing or my stride which screws up my pace. For two, it’s just not helping. Things are just getting to be too much lately. There are so many issues going on in my head that I find myself crying at random moments for what seems to be no reason. MS, God bless him, is concerned about what’s wrong (so he can help) and I don’t know what to tell him. It’s not one thing; it’s multiple. And the one time we tried to talk through things he was very good about not trying to fix it, but just consoling me and listening. Of course at the end he asked, “Who do you usually talk to about this stuff? SBK? KC?” uh, no. They’re wonderful but they don’t understand and truly we’re not that close. K&E are usually the ones I talk to but though no fault of their own they live two states away and phone conversations are difficult. I just don’t have close friends nearby, especially ones I feel comfortable bearing my soul to.

So it’s probably time I go to a therapist and actually bawl talk out the issues at hand. There are many and I’m not sure where to start. My company has a program where you can get 12 sessions for free (per issue, per counselor) so I could take care of one problem with one counselor, then reapply and talk through another problem with another counselor, etc., but I’m not sure how helpful that would be. A friend of mine who is a pastor in town recommended a lady I could go to, but she seems pretty popular so that might be tough. And MS has even suggested we go together to his therapist, which might not be bad either (though I have a lot of my issues I need to work through without him).

I’ll admit I’m scared because I don’t really know what to expect. I’ll admit I’m scared because I’m not sure I’m ready to reveal my soul and all the crap that goes on in my head. I’ll admit I’m scared because I’m such a good German-Scandinavian-Midwestern woman (a lethal combo) that I don’t talk about my feelings very well so opening up is very difficult.

I’m just unsure, scared, uncertain, afraid, nervous, anxious, embarrassed, worried, sad…I could go on. And I’m not sure how to start.