Well, not late to some but those who know me know that me typing this at 11:17pm is late for me. I’m freaking wide awake. I’ve done 40 crunches. I’ll probably do 40 more shortly or even whilst I’m writing this. My mind won’t shut down tonight. It wouldn’t last night either and having to be at work at 7am this morning was not pleasant.
One day ago (well, two by the time this gets posted – damn it for not having internet in the house) the responsibilities I had with my work were cut. To some this could be a good thing. To me, the woman known as ‘the person who knows everything’, ‘the person who will and can get it done’, ‘the person who has been the contact and go-to person for things for the last 4 years’, to me that person has been killed off. Left in her place is a woman with minimal responsibility and a feeling of little worth to the community.
A few people have asked if my salary has been cut. Well, no, it hasn’t. So they say why worry about it. It’s not that. In some ways, having a bit more time to focus on these 2 tasks I have left is good. Maybe my ADD tendencies will go away. My worry is the impressions that the community and people now have regarding me and my abilities. It seems like I wasn’t doing my job properly enough to keep it and I’m left with the mundane tasks. I hope this isn’t the case and that there is a bigger picture that I just don’t see yet or I’m not supposed to see yet. One of those ‘need to know’ basis and I am not in the ‘need to know’ category yet.
And so I wait. Or do I?
I welcome change. I do. I know that sounds…what’s the word…lame? Yeah, lame would fit there. Complacent, maybe. I don’t know. But I do feel that change is good. Of course there are parameters on anything in life and I do have a parameter on change: I like to know what the intended outcome is for me with the change. It doesn’t have to end up that way, but there is probably a reason and a goal behind the change, and that would be nice to know.
Now, this change that has happened does make logical sense. It does. Moving the ADD parts of my job under one roof makes absolute and complete sense. But why wasn’t I asked to take those parts and create that position into what is now desired? Why is it that I’m left with the mundane tasks? Am I not good enough at the ADD tasks? If I was screwing up, why wasn’t I brought in and counseled on that with the opportunity to improve? Or was I but I just didn’t recognize it as being that? (shee-it) And what about the 4 years I have spent learning and honing my skills on the program used? Are my skills not worth anything?
Yes, I am good at being the people person. One person said he likes seeing my smiling face ‘there’ everyday. I hope I can keep that smile on my face for him. I better since he is the king around these parts.
My biggest fear? Boredom. I am not a person to sit around unless I’m at home with a tall rum and coke, cheese popcorn and either a movie or the latest TV drama. At work, I work. But when I get bored at work, I surf. I don’t want to be a surfer. And I really don’t want to be bored.
I’ve been told if I do get bored I’m to let it be known and something will be found for me. But what? More mundane work? I don’t know.
So what do I do? Do I stick it out and hope for the best (have faith-God has a plan-and all that jazz)? Or do I fight for my ‘rightful’ job that isn’t even mine anymore? Or do I take this as a calling (push) from God to get the hell out of dodge and walk away? And if the latter, where do I go?
20 more done. I’d go run but it’s late and dark and my neighborhood isn’t the best for that late night activity. I miss the days when I could do that – after working a sucky 7 hour shift at Arby’s I could just throw on my workout gear, grab my shoes and keys and go. Run my stress off, come home, shower, and sleep like a baby. Instead I’m stuck inside, typing on a borrowed laptop, which I will truly miss having in my possession come mid-October, and doing crunches when I can’t type anymore.
Hindsight’s 20/20 right? Maybe I should have applied for the jobs at SV. Maybe I should have applied for the job at SVE. I’d probably be in SD by now, mooching off mom til I can find my own place, loving every extra minute I’m allowed to put in at my other job (where I could be right now, actually, but not, since I’m 4 hours away), and far away from these concerns and worries.
But no, I’m here wondering what my next move should be. Should I suck it up and stay ‘on board’ as I’m thought to be (which to a point I am, but I’m worried how I truly fit in with it all)? Should I tell off the person who thinks that this hasn’t been affecting me at all who I almost wanted to slap when that comment was made (instead I slammed my hands down on the table and said through clenched teeth that I am upset but I’m trying to stay positive and look for the good in this plan)? Or should I just go to bed and try to shut off my brain? It’s too bad I don’t have homework to do. I could get a ton done tonight.
Shit. I should be doing Tae Bo. I could be ‘punching’ someone and get a great workout! A two in one benefit! This whole situation will either cause me to balloon up to my freakish 2005 pre-weight or I’ll lose and lose and shrink to nothingness. I hope but doubt the latter. I’m such a comfort food nut. Damn orange popcorn. It should be banned from my grocery, department and convenience stores. Seriously. It should just be banned.
20 more and a shot of diet orange pop. My body is going to be screaming at me tomorrow. I’m going to try to shut off my brain now. It’s now freaking midnight. (happy birthday, t & t!) maybe I’ll sleep now. I hope so. But hey if you need a guest room or directions, give me a call. For tomorrow at least, I’ll be there.