30 November 2006
Today is the last day of NaBloPoMo and I must say this has been really great. I’ve read a few others today who have found this to be a great experience, others are thankful it’s over, and me…I’m really happy I did this.
There is this thing about discipline and being focused on the tasks you set for yourself. Mine this month was to see if I could actually blog everyday. Could I find something to write about or at least a picture to post? I’ve actually found I’ve had more fodder (blog-fodder, that is, thanks Cate!) than I thought I would. At times I did post more than once. And once it was a race for the finish line, just so I could make sure I got in on the day.
Of course, many of my posts may not have appealed to the masses, Catholic or otherwise, but they were me. And being able to journal, as it were, for an entire month, each day has been a great experience.
It’s interesting to look back on previous posts. I was even looking back to last January and seeing movies I watched or books I read that I don’t readily recall. I know that in the future as I look back on this month and see an entry for every day will be a great joy.
So my hope is to be able to continue this practice. I’m not going to go barreling into work if I haven’t written for the day, but I am going to make it a practice. This has been very good for me.
I suddenly have School House Rock in my head. Dammit.
Though actually that’s fitting. I once thought I was the conjunction here, keeping everything together. But anymore I wonder.
There is a serious lack of communication around here. Things are discussed with one person, who then discusses them with others, then a decision is made and the person in the beginning who was effected (or is it affected? I always get those wrong.) is left out of the conversation until much later when someone else gets upset because they aren’t doing things the way it’s supposed to be done but the first person didn’t know, wasn’t informed of the change, so then they are left feeling about | | this big.
And then callous remarks are made on email, which is one thing if it’s valid and to the person in question, but when it’s not and when it’s copied in to 3 or 4 other people, that’s just downright rude. And to call the person to talk to them about it doesn’t work when the phone isn’t working.
Okay… so there’s my vent for the moment. My question still remains from months ago: just what the hell is my function here anymore? Do ‘they’, whoever they is, not want me here anymore? If that’s so, why don’t they just fire me? If they do want me here, why aren’t they expressing that?
You know, I love this place – the meaning behind it, ITS function – but the inner relationships and workings that go on here suck. Sometimes I think the church is the most unhealthy place in the world. Everyone is thought to be ‘nice’ and expected to be so, but truth is everyone is human and it doesn’t work that way, so when you hope and think that this would be the place where things are supposed to be good and then they turn out worse than a corporate setting, it just puts a damper on everything.
29 November 2006
I know I have no control over this but I really HATE it when people have full conversations at full voice that last for parts of hours in front of my desk while I’m on the phone trying to help customers and talk with my bosses. I suppose I have no choice since my job isn’t worth much anymore since all I’m supposed to do is answer the phone, but rude, can I just say, RUDE?
28 November 2006
It looks like spring today. It sounds like spring. It’s raining and thundering and lightning out. How crazy is this weather? And tomorrow it’s supposed to be cold and there’s a chance of snow this week. In fact, I heard on the radio that there will probably be good skiing weather by the weekend, not that I ski (there’s this fear of falling thing I have). But it’s just weird out.
Yes, I am. Don’t try to tell me anything different. I know what I am. And it takes a strong person to own up to their faults. Many people go their entire lives without admitting what they are. People all over the world continually deny themselves of their truest self. But not me.
- It took me three days to find my cell phone charger. (I found it tucked in one of my boots.)
- It took two days to find my tape recorder. (It was under the seat of my car.)
- Sunday I went to church thinking I had left my choir folder there, but no. It wasn’t there. Where was it? Under the other seat in my car.
27 November 2006
Okay, so I made the phone call and received my message. I wasn’t selected for the first job. This isn’t a bad thing completely. Yes, it would have been nice to be selected but maybe it’s okay. I don’t have to move across two states in the middle of Midwestern winter, and now I have opportunities to look for something else that may suit me just as well as this would have but maybe closer to where I am.
So on to the next two options: one is at a church, one is here/there. We’ll see what happens next.I do sometimes wonder what it would be like to just pack up everything and move somewhere – not having a job or anything but move and then settle in and find a job once I’m there. Could I do it? Hmm…am I that adventurous or would I wimp out?
In the attempt to avoid really blogging today since I have a voice message on my phone that I’m a bit nervous to return, I’m posting this meme, borrowed from Greens n Cornbread. I’m using his way of coding things:
Items in bold are ones I have done.
I am amending the exercise to italicize those I really want to do.
Those in red are those I am actively avoiding.
Those in green I kinda-wanna try but can't make up my mind or haven't conquered that fear yet.
01. bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. swam with wild dolphins
03. climbed a mountain
04. taken a ferrari for a test drive
05. been inside the great pyramid
06. held a tarantula
07. taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. said “i love you” and meant it
09. hugged a tree
10. bungee jumped
12. watched a lightning storm at sea
13. stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. seen the northern lights
15. gone to a huge sports game (define huge, though)
16. walked the stairs to the top of the leaning
17. grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. touched an iceberg
19. slept under the stars
20. changed a baby’s diaper
21. taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. watched a meteor shower
23. gotten drunk on champagne (change it to gotten ‘sick’ and I can highlight)
24. given more than you can afford to charity
25. looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. had a food fight
28. bet on a winning horse
29. asked out a stranger
30. had a snowball fight
31. screamed as loudly as you possibly can (“Go into the light, Mr. Heckles!”)
32. held a lamb
33. seen a total eclipse
34. ridden a roller coaster
35. hit a home run
36. danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. adopted an accent for an entire day
38. actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment (it’s been awhile though)
39. had two hard drives for your computer (ah the joys)
40. visited all 50 states
41. taken care of someone who was drunk (and I don't mean myself)
42. had amazing friends
43. danced with a stranger in a foreign country (does
44. watched whales
45. stolen a sign
46. backpacked in
47. taken a road-trip
48. gone rock climbing
49. midnight walk on the beach
50. gone sky diving
52. been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. in a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
54. visited japan
55. milked a cow
56. alphabetized your cds (and VHS tapes, and DVD’s)
57. pretended to be a superhero (when I was a kid we did this all of the time. I am assuming that this meme applies to adulthood - but I don't really know why)
58. sung karaoke (and I’m not doing it again)
59. lounged around in bed all day
60. played touch football
61. gone scuba diving
62. kissed in the rain
63. played in the mud
64. played in the rain
65. gone to a drive-in theater
66. visited the great wall of china
67. started a business
68. fallen in love and not had your heart broken (I agree with Bob: I wish I knew how to do this, seems to me you can't do one without the other - no one is perfect)
69. toured ancient sites
70. taken a martial arts class
71. played d&d for more than 6 hours straight
72. gotten married
73. been in a movie
74. crashed a party (inadvertently)
75. gotten divorced
76. gone without food for 5 days
77. made cookies from scratch
78. won first prize in a costume contest
79. ridden a gondola in
80. gotten a tattoo
81. rafted the snake river
82. been on television news programs as an “expert”
83. gotten flowers for no reason
84. performed on stage
85. been to
86. recorded music (not the best though)
87. eaten shark
88. kissed on the first date
89. gone to
90. bought a house
91. been in a combat zone
92. buried one/both of your parents
93. been on a cruise ship
94. spoken more than one language fluently (I can sing them though)
95. performed in rocky horror
96. raised children
97. followed your favorite band/singer on tour
98. passed out cold (not cold, but I have passed out, though I called it falling asleep and since I didn’t have an hangover the next day I don’t really call it a pass out moment)
99. taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. walked the golden gate bridge
102. sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
103. had plastic surgery
104. survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
105. wrote articles for a large publication
106. lost over 100 pounds (20 would be okay)
107. held someone while they were having a flashback
108. piloted an airplane (I am counting this since SLAG did let me take the ‘wheel’ so to speak. Granted he kept his hand on the throttle but I was steering)
109. touched a stingray
110. broken someone’s heart (maybe? See 68)
111. helped an animal give birth
112. won money on a t.v. game show
113. broken a bone
114. gone on an african photo safari
115. had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
sidenote where is 118?
119. had major surgery
120. had a snake as a pet
121. hiked to the bottom of the grand canyon
122. slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours (only when sick)
123. visited more foreign countries than
124. visited all 7 continents
125. taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. eaten kangaroo meat
127. eaten sushi
128. had your picture in the newspaper
129. changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about (I don't know, but I'm so damned opinionated and stubborn I might have just from sheer tenacity.)
130. gone back to school
132. touched a cockroach
133. eaten fried green tomatoes
134. read The Iliad
135. selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
136. killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. skipped all your school reunions (Again agreeing with Bob: there aren't more than one or maybe two people I went to high school with I would care to see)
138. communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. been elected to public office
140. written your own computer language
141. thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
142. had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. built your own PC from parts
144. sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
145. had a booth at a street fair
146. dyed your hair
147. been a dj
148. shaved your head (though I have thought about it)
149. caused a car accident (unfortunately)
150. saved someone’s life
26 November 2006
So I’m back. Did ya miss me? Oh, wait, no? Well, no kidding. I wouldn’t have missed me either.
I’m sitting at work tonight, awaiting arriving guests and listening to the same organ piece being played again and again. This reminds me of when I first started working here and Jana would play every morning the same 4 measures of this intense piece over and over and over and over…well you get the idea.
I often get people commenting to me during the day, “Wow, organ music right there for your enjoyment! You must feel so lucky to hear such great music.” Yeah, yeah. Don’t get me wrong, I do. I highly value the skills, talents, abilities, gifts, stamina, determination these folks have, but after awhile, it can get old. I occasionally try to turn on the radio or CD when I’m getting frustrated with the same section being played, but it doesn’t usually tune it out, so instead of I turn on my children’s ears and turn a deaf ear to all of it. Good thing I’ve had 31 years of practice, huh mom?
But anyway, tonight I’m back in the cities, with still no future in sight. My horoscope for today scared me a bit:
It's time for you to face your own ghosts before tackling the issues of your friends and family. Your role within your peer group can become muddled over the months ahead if you don't. You may be seeking harmony through your social relationships, but this cannot be found until you first find a bit of peace within yourself.
And tomorrow’s is this:
You thought you were right on track, but you may realize just how much you must change in order to keep up with the shifting landscape. If you aren't comfortable with your place in the outer world today, look to your chosen career for clues. Your relationship to your profession can tell you what you need to know.
Yeah, the second one scared me a lot actually. I think this is my basic problem. I’m not sure what I should be doing. KG and I were talking earlier how it was so simple as a child, decisions were made for us, but now we’re the ones making the decisions and if we screw up it has a bigger impact than it did.
I suppose in reality I can’t really make a bad decision because if what I choose doesn’t work out I can always quit and start again, right? I mean, people do it everyday so why can’t I?
Maybe it’s because failure never has been an option. I always had to do really well at things and if I didn’t I felt horrible. Once when I was in high school I deliberately failed an English quiz just so the rest of my classmates would see that I wasn’t perfect, which, of course, I already knew. (and of course after I failed I felt even worse) In fact in college I remember being the only one in the class to get a listening quiz correct and the girl next to me (with perfect pitch, mind you) got many wrong! That was a complete fluke (and I keep the quiz in a frame with a note from RD on it).
Well, none of that really makes sense with what I’m trying to write. I may or may not hear tomorrow regarding the job I interviewed for Wednesday. Another position closes in a week and a half, and yet another opens Friday. So many options…maybe too many for me. :)
25 November 2006
24 November 2006
2. It's not worth the money.
3. I end up staying up way past midnight watching some stupid movie or game show because, "ooo 1 vs. 100 is on, and on this channel a julia stiles movie, and on this channel rachael ray! yay!"
4. I'd never sleep. Or function with the world. (instead I blog.)
Happy Black Friday everyone!
23 November 2006
Yes, folks, that time of year is here again - the day where nothing is served I should eat (except maybe the turkey) but fun will be had by the entire Moe family. I'll get to see my newest niece and play Cranium with my siblings. Lots of food will be consumed and the day will end with 3 hours of fabulous TV: Ugly Betty, Grey's Anatomy and CSI. Could life be any sweeter?
22 November 2006
1) in relationships always think positively until you have proof that it's bad, because it may not be as bad as you think.
2) after job interviews, always think the worst, because then if you don't get the job you won't be disappointed.
Interview went fine today. As I told a friend, I wasn't throwing up-nauseated before, during or after which usually means that it's not a bad choice, but I also wasn't completely positive that it's THE job for me. I think I'd do very well at it, I think working with the two who interviewed would be great - they both seem very cool, but who knows what they were thinking about me.
I blanked a few times, I hemmed and hawed a few times, and I'm really not sure I answered them the way they would have liked. But for the record - I was me. And if they don't like me, they won't like me and that would not be a good way to work.
It was left they would let the person they select know either today or Monday. I haven't heard anything which still leaves it a 50/50 status. We'll see what happens. I can't start until after New Year anyway so no pressure yet.
Thanks for all the great words of wisdom on the comments. You all are great! and I hope you all have a great holiday!
21 November 2006
I know that probably doesn't make much sense but it was a good day and a busy day. I like those. In fact, I was actually happy at work (granted at one point I sent a list of 'did ya knows' somewhat bitching about some things but it was all in jest really). But yes, I was happy. As I worked on the list of things I had set forth for me to do, it occurred to me just how much I had to do and what little time I had to do it. Sometimes I long for the day when I could be doing all that and so much more. Tis my dream really.
A few weeks ago (did I write about this already?) I met with one of my supervisors who wants to know three things: where do I want to be, what do I want to do, what trips my trigger. (well the last one he phrased as 'what makes your heart sing', but that seemed a little too frou frou for me.)
Three things came to mind immediately: SD, PA, PA. And yet right now I don't have that option unless I'm on camp or weekends. There is so much that could be done, so many plans I have in my head of how to make us better known, so many things we could do. But right now, not an option.
So instead I'm having to figure out what to do in the meantime (if there is such a thing since there's no guarantee that PA will ever be FT). Tomorrow is the interview. Questions will be asked, answers will be given (hopefully coherently) and a decsion will be made. Maybe it'll be me, maybe not. Only the burning bush seems to know.
20 November 2006
Today I was at my workplace where they have (!) blocked personal blogs due to personal content. I couldn't check a blog all day. No wonder I'm a bit looped tonight. My mother thought it was just the rum and coke, and then rum and Crystal Lite, but no...it truly was the lack of being able to read blogs all day. Heavens! Whatever shall I do?!?
Less than a 2 days before my first interview for one of the four jobs I'm looking at right now. I wish I had a white board I could write out all the pros and cons and compare all of them side by side. Or if there was just a sign that would beam down and tell me which one is going to be the right one. As my friend Brenda says, "You need a burning bush!" no shit. I totally need that right now. This silence isn't quite working for me.
It's not that one job is better than the other - well, except for one which is truly at the bottom of the list. They all have their good points, they all have their great points, but they all also have these horrid points that scare the living crap out of me. Because if I pick one and the horrid points come to light then I'm screwed and have missed out on other great opportunities. But if I pick the other and those horrid points come out, well...you see the pattern here. So it almost comes down to which horrid points are going to be less horrid. That's where I need the white board.
Or for heaven's sake, the burning bush.
19 November 2006
(For the record: that was Patsy Cline in my head typing that, not Britney Spears)
Today I head home for a week of vacation/work. I get to work at my other job for 3 days and then rest for 3, then back here to work on Sunday. I’m excited because I get to see my newest niece as well as my other niece and 2 nephews. Fun will be had by all. And I will do my best to post. My mom has dial-up and a computer from 1997 so it’ll be interesting if I can get on at all.
But I leave you with this fabulous shot. I finally got a good Indians hat which I love and adore, and because I know you all are Indians fans, I thought I’d share it with you. (Ooo... it's so pretty!)
18 November 2006
Isn’t it odd how Amazon will send a huge box with only one item in it? What is that? I don’t understand. And yet I’m trying to send back stupid stuff I ordered and also send a care package to a friend and I cram that sucker as full as I can, padding it for protection, but using the most normal size box for the items inside. I just don’t get it.
Anyway, today I got the Lily Allen CD and the Bitter:Sweet CD I’ve been wanting. It’ll be a nice drive home tomorrow. I also got the latest in the A Song of Ice and Fire series. Of course this probably isn’t the latest but it’s finally in paperback and I’m sure you know my ‘thing’ about paperbacks. Well, maybe not, but I’ll fill that in another time.
17 November 2006
I have yet another niece in my family now. Ava Jane was born Wednesday at 7:09am, 9lbs 15.7 oz, 21.25 inches long. And I get to see her in a few days! YAY!I’m really glad my brothers and sister have taken up the job of supplying my mother with grandchildren. It leaves my life pretty carefree.
16 November 2006
15 November 2006
Ah, last night was another amazing night at the Guthrie. The brilliant cast of Edgardo Mine gave an incredible performance of love, tension, and heartache as they told the story of Edgardo Mortara, a young Jewish boy who was secretly baptized by his nanny and when discovered was ‘rescued’ by the Catholic church. What an amazing story. It’s based on the book The Kidnapping of Edgardo Mortara by David I Kertzer.
The emotions portrayed, the love on both sides for this little boy, the commitment to faith- to a belief, the loss of faith, all of it…so amazing. This was an absolutely incredible production. If you want to know more, let me know.
My friend Mark is super funny. Over the years our friendship has grown to the point where I think I could tell him almost anything. It all started several years ago when we met and he put his hand on my cheek and said, “Oh, so soft. I’m not used to that. Jeff is so whiskery.”
A couple years ago I decided I needed to rejoin a church choir and my friend Chris was joining up with Mark’s, so I decided to tag along. And oh what fun! Mark is quite the character, often swapping accents on a whim, dancing and twirling about as he conducts. It is a joy.
Well, today he was here and as he kept walking by my desk, he’d cup under his hand under his breast and make sexy faces at me. Of course you’d have to know mark to understand the faces, but still…very funny. And of course tonight we’re going to attempt to recreate the birthday party we had last year for him. Last year we all had ended up at a bar, had mucho to drink and then apparently I took pictures but didn’t remember until the film was developed (how 20th century!). I’m bringing my digital tonight, so perhaps you’ll see some fun tomorrow.
14 November 2006
I’m skimming Maggie’s book, No One Cares What You Had for Lunch, searching and searching for a topic for today. I have just over an hour before I have to abandon my post so this is becoming a frantic search.
But now, having linked to both Maggie and her book, I’m realizing that she had a great post today, and one that I can sponge off and talk about.
My father was a carpenter. He wanted to be in the Air Force, and he was for four years (technically he was in for eight, but he had to get out after four to run the family farm and was just on ready reserve for the final four). He was an Air Traffic Controller. As anyone knows, an ATC is the most stressful job in the world. Watch Pushing Tin if you really want to know.
But I think the ATC background and his youth on the farm helped him to really find a niche. He was the most meticulous carpenter I knew. He took pride in all of his work. He wasn’t a detail carpenter but the basic form – setting the foundation, putting up the structure, etc. He understood the pressures of making sure everything was right, but also understood that people are human and make mistakes but that there’s always regrowth and rebuilding. He was truly a rare individual – rarely cross, always loving, always patient, always Dad.
I wish I could channel his determinedness, his patience (especially his patience) and his joy of building something literally from the ground up. I wish he was here to help me through life. I miss him.
13 November 2006
KG had this open for me when I came back from lunch. She’s such a good friend. Now, while I morally oppose smacking penguins with bats, this is a nice stress reliever and can be competition forming if you’d like to play against others.
Have fun! Smack a penguin!
“MOE! Get in here, Moe!”
“Moe! I mean it! Get in here.”
Uh, okay. I don’t think I can argue on this one.
My bed. It’s calling me. Seriously…you think I’m kidding, I know, but I’m not.
I was proud of myself this morning when I work up at 4:24 and realized that my alarm would go off in 3 minutes so I could drag my fat ass out of bed and hit the gym. Well, I actually curled up for another 27 minutes instead, but I did get up.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen – all five of you who read this -, I have returned to the gym. Yay, me! I wasn’t sure I’d make it but after being there for 30 minutes and ellipticating while watching the news, I am glad I did. Plus, the scary guy did say hello and that he noticed I had been MIA.
But once I got back home, my bed called me out. And I gave in for another 30 minutes. I’d still be there now if I didn’t have to work.
I blame this on Ron, Tre and my mother. My OMF bed is awesome. Tre gave me an electric blanket last year at Christmas which gets so nice and toasty. And my mother bought me my fake down comforter which is just awesome to snuggle.
Wouldn’t that just be the best day: Go workout some evil, then take a long, hot shower, and then jump back into bed for awhile? Of course, the added joy would be if there were someone to snuggle with, but that may be impossible right now. *sigh*
12 November 2006
Now it's on to home to left over Chinese and Desperate Housewives. woohoo!
11 November 2006
To us in America, the reflections of Armistice Day will be filled with solemn pride in the heroism of those who died in the country's service and with gratitude for the victory, both because of the thing from which it has freed us and because of the opportunity it has given America to show her sympathy with peace and justice in the councils of the nation. ~President Woodrow Wilson
Some of you know, I have friends in the military, friends I hold near and dear to my heart. My father and uncles served in the Air Force and my brother in the Army National Guard. This is an important weekend to honor those who serve our country. I ask you, despite what you think of the war going on or what you think of the military in general, consider thanking these individuals for their service.
10 November 2006
Okay…sorry folks. That was a bad post to leave on there before the weekend begins, so I must alter it some, or at least try to make up for it.
Think I can? I hope so. I’ll try to be the little engine that could.
Life is good. I’m still alive, we didn’t get the snow they said (though the surrounding areas seemed to have been hit) and my fabulous friend Ian is coming to talk to my fellow professionals on Monday!
Ian rocks, can I just say? The man is focused, funny, faithful, and all other sorts of good f-words you can think of. He helps keep my feet on the ground. I’m so glad to have him in my life as a dear friend. :)
Another good: an Army Major and Marine sergeant led the chapel service today. As soon as the streaming is up I’ll link it here. It was a pretty good service. And I’m glad it was done for Veterans Day. That seems to be a forgotten holiday, unless you’re a banker or government worker.Anyway…busy weekend ahead. More later. I’m a little worried about NaBloPoMo with all that I have going on, but I will make it work.
Why is it that people feel the need to belittle you when you aren’t able to give them the information they want? Every year we receive desk calendars, essentially planners, for all the students. They come in two forms – big and little. Well, this year they came much later than they had planned (in fact – K, E and J – they don’t come until next week) and I have been told not to promise them to anyone because we won’t be getting as many as we usually do. (So, K, E and J – email me your preference – big or little? And the address where you want it sent.)
Well, a gentleman comes up from the bookstore where he was told they don’t have them anymore and to check with me. I explain we haven’t received them yet. He says when will you get them? So, trying to deter him because I’m not supposed to promise them to anyone, I say, I’m not sure, they haven’t notified us yet. He says, well they come in two sizes. And I say, yes, and we haven’t received either size yet. Well, when will they come in, he asks. Again I say, I’m not sure. And then here’s the kicker:
“So basically you can’t help me at all.”
Jerk. Look old man. I may not be able to help you, but you’re also asking for something free which costs other people money and would be keeping said materials from someone who is supposed to be receiving them. AND I’ve told you time and again the information I have, and if that isn’t good enough for you, take it up with the company sending them.
Oh and then he got mad again when he asked if I would call him when they come in and I said, sure IF we have any left. He gave me a nasty look, wrote down his name and number (which I can barely read) and left.
This wouldn’t be a big deal, but this is the fourth guy this week giving me crap like this. Hello! I can’t help the deliveries and I’m just a peon so when someone else tells me not to allow people to reserve copies then I have to follow their instructions or then I get yelled at by them, and I have to work with them! UGH!
09 November 2006
A friend wrote me this morning and informed me that his workplace has now blocked all blogspot accounts from the computer system due to its content categorization is “personal pages”. So, alas, he can’t read my blog every morning. This is bad because I was going to help him set up his own (which he really needs – not that he believes me), but that might not work now. Shoot! Don’t think you’ve won yet, RC, I will find a way. :)
Anyway, last night I realized that I’m falling into that time of the season where I’m just sad and depressed and don’t want to do anything – feeling out of it, not myself, and not sure how to function anymore. Much of this stems from work and changes and possible changes and feeling in transition and confusion about the future and now knowing just what is going to happen, not to mention feeling kind of alone lately since friends are away and I’m still disjointed from the travels of October. (How’s that for a mess of a sentence?) At least I realized this and so last night I took a stand and skipped out of choir and headed to Bally’s to work out some of the evil in me.
It felt great.
The sad thing is I haven’t ran since Labor Day and I know that not exercising has really taken a toll on my body and mental state and it took me almost breaking down several times this week as well as wanting to hurt people to realize the state of my mind. Not good.
But I’m getting better. Even just that little bit at Bally’s made a difference. I walked out of the gym and my head felt clear and my mental state improved – not great, mind you, but definitely improved. Yay to me for taking a moment to help me.
08 November 2006
I’m singing “Call Me” in my head. (And yes, I know that makes no sense that I’d be singing in my head. You can’t sing in your head, you sing with your voice, but I hear voices in my head and they are singing. *sigh* I know I have a lot of problems.)
Last night, out of the fair blue sky – actually the sky was pitch black because the stupid daylight saving time is in effect and thus it’s dark at 4:30pm anymore – I received a phone call from a friend I haven’t heard from in a while. It was quite fun to chat, but I fear I talked a bit more than I intended. I really wanted to hear from him so my chatterbox mouth should have shut up, but it didn’t. To counter my horrendous act, I called my long-lost brother (whom I mentioned yesterday) and chatted with him for over an hour. Ah, such fun and so much better than internet conversations.
There’s something about hearing someone’s voice and talking straight forward with them. I wonder if this is a skill we’ve lost with the internet/email age. There is a great joy in writing, don’t get me wrong (why else would I have a blog), but hearing a voice and talking with them, hearing the inflections in their voice, not wondering if what they wrote was supposed to be funny or serious, that makes all the difference.
Note: I just received a copy of a compliment letter (not sure what else to call it) which was sent to the head of the institution where I work regarding me and this group a few weeks ago. Very sweet. Just goes to show you, writing is powerful, too, I guess. Maybe it’s just that we need to cultivate relationships and communicate with one another more.
My one political message ever: Yay for
Okay…enough of that. I don’t need to delve into an area I’m not all the comfortable with or really understand at all.
But here’s a topic that worries me: My VCR is dying. Yes, folks, it’s true. My 1993 Emerson VCR is finally dying. And how I know this is simple: when recording important TV shows such as Prison Break, Standoff, Bones or Grey’s Anatomy, my screen will suddenly go black. Sound remains, but there is no picture. Of course this doesn’t always happen. When taping Studio 60 from Monday, that one turned out fine. It’s very odd.
I suppose, though, I should be happy with my 13-year-old piece of equipment, that it even lasted that long considering how quickly technology seems to fade these days. But this is not a good time for me. I have no funds to replace said machinery. I’m not sure what I’m going to do.
07 November 2006
So I’ve been skimming the NaBloPoMo Randomizer and seeing post after post of people who have voted. Yes, I suck. I did attempt, I had even filled out the absentee ballot request but I didn’t get it mailed in time, and so then last Friday I had set out in time to be home in time to vote, but ended up picking up K and our travels lasted a bit longer than I had anticipated. I asked my boss if I could run to the courthouse on Saturday but we had meetings all morning and so that was a bust as well. I really did want to vote. I swear, but this year I suck and didn’t get it done.
Kudos to everyone who did.
Apparently yesterday I felt the need to purge, and purge I did. Seriously…three posts? My goodness, I haven’t done that in a long time. But this is the bonus of the blog…I can write when I need and post as necessary.
Last night was a rough night. I haven’t watched PB yet, much to the dismay of Tre who desperately wanted to dissect it, but soon we will. And then on Studio 60 – what’s with Tom? Why was he speeding through Pahrump? Of course, I missed parts of this too, and luckily I’m obsessed with TV enough to tape it so I’ll have to re-watch that tonight, too. And what’s with the rumors of the show canceling? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? Is it true? Is the one new show I really like, other than PB of course, really going to be canceled? That just sucks. I love this show. But I suppose it’s inevitable since Joan of Arcadia also was canceled. Maybe I should pledge my undying love for some stupid show like The Class and then that one could be canceled and Studio 60 could stay.
Anyway, that was the TV realm, but I also had five phone calls. Big whoop, I’m sure you’re thinking, but five phone calls in the world of moe is not usual. I was a little taken aback since one was my long-lost brother (not really, but it seems like it since he lives forever away) and then just a random group of people.
And then…I know, it’s hard to believe there’s more…but then, I woke up twice throughout the night. Once at 2 am because I thought I had a document wrong that I need to turn in today (got up, double checked it, no…I’m okay, but why don’t I write a card to my friend overseas while I’m here, sure, that’s a good idea, that’ll be coherent in the morning, yeah, right.), the second at 4 because I’m just that insane. This isn’t good on so many levels. I’m already sleep deprived from the weekend, this is just going to add to it. And this coming weekend is going to be busy with the Mozart Requiem concert at church which means dress rehearsal on Saturday. Uffda. Yep…channeling those long lost relatives, again.
06 November 2006
I love lunches with fun, awesome people. Being able to talk candidly with someone whom you respect is great. And I truly do respect this woman. She does not have an easy position, dealing with not-always-happy renters and a tough administration. She is a wonderful woman whom I am proud and honored to call friend. We must do that again soon.
I can’t believe I was worried about that meeting! What was I thinking?! I must still be tired from the weekend. :)
Now, on to the next! Hopefully that one will goes as well.
It’s amazing when you find out people appreciate you more than you know. I have kept a compliments for me folder in my email box for a couple years now and whenever I receive an email saying, “Thank you!” or “You rock!” and my favorite, “that is great, thanks a million, oh great director of first impressions and of seminary spaces.” I put them right in that folder so I can read them someday when I’m feeling blue.
(Actually, my favorite was from this weekend when my friend said, “I can’t wait to take a shower!” after opening her b-day present of soaps and things.)
But it’s a little scary to actually read what and how people appreciate you. Suddenly my self-deprecation, self-loathing and lack of self-esteem come to the forefront and I wonder if I’m even qualified to be in the presence of human beings. Am I really what these people say? Do I actually possess that skill or ability? Am I really what they say I am? Am I?
Maybe this is where we need to push the public to write more letters like this. Instead of just phone calls saying, “hey thanks” or “great job”, put it in writing. It’s much more powerful, and it’s a great tool to pull out when you’re feeling low: “God I suck. Oh wait I don’t because so-and-so said this and it must be true since they actually put it in writing, right?”
So how was your weekend? Good? Well, that’s great. Oh, you say you were busy and the weekend wore you out? Wow, sorry to hear that, but I can empathize. (or is it sympathize…I always mess those up)
Yes, it was a long and busy weekend. But very successful, I think. The paper turned out very well. After looking at it again this morning I do see some minor things that I wish I could fix but they aren’t so vital that I need to call the printers before going to print. Sometimes you just have to let things go. Yeah, easier said than done.
The next few days will be interesting. Finishing up a project today that has to be submitted by tomorrow, preferably today (at least by email and the hard copy in the mail tomorrow); meeting at noon with a colleague about something…she wouldn’t say what; and a meeting tomorrow with The Don regarding potential projects – whatever that means. Anxiety is already building that I won’t be able to accomplish everything and that the outcomes of these meetings may cause more anxiety.I’m just trying to keep my options open anymore. Things will work out, right?
05 November 2006
Since families were invited I drug my mother along. We ate with my boss and his wife and adorable children, I got to feed the little one and hold him most of the night, there were door prizes of which I was the first winner (it’s a gift, really, how I can win door prizes almost every time), and yes, there was dancing.
One of our co-workers has a DJ/Karaoke gig that he does on the side. At one point he brought up all the kids and their parents and we did the hokey pokey and the chicken dance…very essential for any party. My boss had brought his freakin’ awesome camera along so I tried to play photographer and get some shots. Hopefully they turned out.
It was a good time, running into old friends and former workers (yes, retired folks are invited too), having a drink purchased by the boss-man, playing with the kids and just general merriment.
Disclaimer: This in no way guarantees I will be attending ever again in the future, but does not prove that I won’t either.
04 November 2006
It’s 6:23 and I’ve already been up for an hour (snoozing for an additional 30 minutes) but I’m still not awake. My face looks like an alien…puffy in places it hasn’t been in years and tired and dragging in others. I feel old.
But my hair looks good.
03 November 2006
Writing every day is harder than I thought. I know, I suck…it’s only day 3 and day one barely counted. There are a lot of things I could write about, other things I can’t. Sometimes it’s good to have a blog where you can write but when you know who the people are who actually read this, that makes it a bit more difficult.
Job opps are coming out my ears anymore. It’s crazy. And yet at the same time I’m a little scared about the changes that are upcoming. I know something will change – but where, how and when are still up in the air. And I am one of the most indecisive people I know, so that doesn’t help.
Plus I’m falling behind on my SPOT project, which saddens me. I was hoping there would be more of a following where the people on the team would be excited and want to do more, but apparently it’s just the two of us who are really active and want something to happen…the others are waiting to be led. It gets frustrating when I ask for suggestions for events or topics and I get nothing, but if I decide something then I get the mutterings and backlash because they didn’t like what I chose. So do we disband and just say screw it? Or do we push forward?
Well, I can’t think of that right now. I have less than an hour left of work before I head on the road to job number 1. Or job 2, depending on your perspective. But don’t worry, I’ll be back tomorrow. :)
02 November 2006
Let me make it up to you though. Last week I celebrated my final day of the 1st 10 years of my military career. Actually I celebrated two days in a row, both at The Walrus in