30 May 2005

There's a change a-comin'

Lately I have been in a funk. I'm not sure why, but little things have been annoying me. It's odd. I'm not sure why I feel this way - diet? hormones? I don't know... but it's been frustrating not knowing. I'm not sure that I do know anything more now than I did but I hope I'm starting to figure it out. I'm growing...maybe finally into the person I actually am than the one I think people think I should be.

I've been doing a lot of thinking this weekend, which is always dangerous for me. I've been annoyed with a friend of mine recently...every little thing they do sets me off and I just get cranky. I know my friend had the same situation with someone else we knew too...(let's use Bob and Margaret just so I can keep them straight)...Right as Margaret was getting ready to move on to her new life she started to do things that would annoy Bob. I know this because Bob would tell me how annoying Margaret was getting with her whining and neediness. Well, now, sadly, I think Bob is doing the same thing to me. Except it's not whining and neediness but criticism and belittling. I know Bob doesn't think this is how he is treating me but this is how I feel. I think back to even December when "Christmas with the Kranks" came out and Bob said this was just a horrible storyline because it puts all of Christmas on to a snowman. Then Bob happened to be at my house and saw that I had the Grisham book (Skipping Christmas) by my reading chair and Bob made a snide comment about me reading it. I realize now that I hemed and hawed my way around it because I suddenly felt guilty for reading this book that Bob didn't like. And I realized on Saturday and Sunday, as I was thinking (always a dangerous prospect) that it wasn't just this one time that I felt put down or belittled by my actions from Bob. I'm tired of trying to prove myself based on Bob's thoughts about what is right and what is wrong. Bob and I have been in other arguments before about religious things too which have left me feeling like I know absolutely nothing. I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm not stupid. I have opinions. I have knowledge and I don't need another father or big brother to tell me what to do.

I don't know...maybe this is me finally figuring out who I am and becoming comfortable with myself. Saturday night I went to the MN Orchestra Concert at Orchestra Hall and for the first time in years, almost a decade - maybe even the first time ever - I felt completely comfortable going by myself. Usually I get this gnawing, stomach turning feeling in my stomach like I'm about to screw up or that I'm just super nervous before I would do something on my own. I believe strongly in having your 'own' time with yourself and doing things alone, but I would always feeling nervous like I have an empty pit in my stomach where you just feel hollow and alone. But Saturday, for the first time, I felt completely calm and confident in going by myself and enjoying the musical experience. As I thought about it driving home I thought maybe it's because I'm finally 30 but the week after I turned 30 I went to Britten's War Requiem by myself and felt this same hollowness then. (This is probably why I never cashed in my other 3 tickets to SPCO). But I think it's because over the past couple months where my life has been so insane with C&S and work and guards that I'm finally coming to understand who I am and that it's okay to be that person. I'm not a bad person, I'm not stupid (though I sometimes do stupid things), and it's okay to be me. ME - the person I hardly ever actually let out. I'm always trying to be someone else and I think it's okay for me to let that go and just be me. I know it's going to take a bit more to figure out what that exactly means as I'm just coming into being me, but it'll be worth it in the end I think.

So as a step in this process...the next two weeks will be good for me to be away from Luther, even though I'm at guards the whole time, and on the 13th I'm going to join the place I want to join, despite the odd looks I received from Mark and Debbie when I said I was going to, and I'm going to do things I want to do and learn to be me. I have held off on so many things out of fear of being judged. I know now that if people want to judge me they will, but I can't let that bother me. I just need to be me.

I was watching Season One of Joan of Arcadia yesterday and Chessmaster God said this: "Don't play the other persons game. Play your own." very profound. I need to stop playing everyone else's game and be myself. This will be a struggle - 30 years of trying to be what others wanted me to be is going to be hard to overcome, but it'll be worth it in the end I think, I hope, I pray.