I realized something a little disturbing today. I still feel guilty if I don't agree with other people's choices. And I still have a problem speaking up about my decisions I make.
For example: Today I was talking with a co-worker and he starts going off about Sen. Craig and how he just doesn't understand about why people would do something so icky (“like boys kissing boys,” he had said).
Shamefully,only in my head did I say, “I don't care if boys kiss boys. I have lots of boy friends who do.” But aloud I said, “I'm sad that if it is true (and does it really matter if it is or isn't?) that he feels he needs to hide it. I wish everyone would feel comfortable just being themselves.”
Ironic words from the girl feeling guilty as she passes a Taco Johns and thinks back to friend's conversations when they saw an establishment and the friend said, “At least it's better than Taco Bell.” See, I *heart* Taco Bell. I'm a chalupa and baja blast addict. But did I say anything? No.
And I think part of why I don't comes from several factors. I fear not being liked. Yes, I can admit that, and I think that's a lot of people's fear. I also fear my decisions/judgment coming into question and discovering that maybe I am wrong. I also think that it's better to just not say things because it saves a lot of problems in the end – people's feelings hurt or people's feelings becoming enraged because you don't agree, people misquoting you to what they thought they heard you say even though it's the complete opposite of what you said or believe, etc.
And the other reason I don't say anything is often I'm not sure exactly what people are saying when they start going off on some topic. Are they trying to read what I think? Are they trying to trap me into saying something that will get me in trouble in the end? Plus, here's the thing. I don't attach myself to any specific side of things – like Leftist or Rightist. I'm fairly liberal in my life, but I wouldn't say I also agree with everything that “Liberals” say. But I'm not conservative either, though some would probably say I am.
Maybe my problem is I just don't know who I really am. I'm still trying to figure that out. Does anyone ever know? For so many years I looked to others to help me figure out things in life and now that I'm taking more of a step in not doing that, I think I'm more lost than I was before.
Maybe I should just stay quiet.