30 September 2005


it's hard to follow the law when the law itself doesn't. I'm not trying to be theological here, just basic law. I'm driving home today just north of Windom. The speed limit recently has increased from 55 to 60 in this area, so being the good girl I am I'm only going about 62 or 63. Suddenly I see a sheriff's car in my rearview and so i tap it down to 60. Fine, fine. The cops (there were two in the car) follow me into Windom - during this time of following me I see a van tailgating the cop, occasionally pulling to the side to see who or what is holding up traffic. At Windom the cops pull around me, still going the speed limit because it doesn't slow down right away and the van pulls around me too. Soon it's 30 mph in town and I begin following the cops - who are still doing 45 and the van has been not only swerving in and out of traffic, but passes the cops (he's speeding too, natch). I continue to follow the friendly neighborhood peace officers and soon find them going72 or 73 in a 65 mph zone. now normally this wouldn't bother me, but the van has shot by the cops and is way out in the lead and the cops didn't do a thing?! what happened to the crackdown on speeders? The state had offered up monies to pay the cops overtime to help this problem, but the cops are doing it too?!! Where is the justice?

Now I know that now I have written this, i'll be certain to be pulled over this weekend on my way to IA or back home. I'm almost certain. And I'm going to be ticked if I do, yet relieved that someone is doing their job and bringing the law down on me, a sinner and law breaker. :)

Why I’m single…just kidding, Tré :)

Tré and I were planning to get together tonight…still are if it works out…but she had forgotten about a bowling obligation she had. Below is the realization conversation with her cutie, no-need-for-a-schedule, sweetheart of a guy…

J: "They said it was Friday night, you were sitting right there."

T: "No, Joel, when I was there, they said 'next weekend' and did not state which night. I assumed it was going to be Saturday. He must have said something to you some time this week--you do live together."

J: "No, you were there when they said it...I suppose we don't have to go"

T: "No I said I--WE--would go--in fact I was the one that committed us and then you okayed it. So what time is it at? 8? 9?"

J: "I don't know...if you don't want to go..."

T: "Knock it off. It's fine. Fine fine fine whatever. Just let me know what time."

J: "So do you want to go to the roping on Sunday, then?"

T: "You told me on Wednesday that you decided not to go."

J: "Well, the guys are coming up from Parkston, so I'm thinking I'm going to enter and rope with them."

T: "I do want to go because I've not ever seen you rope yet, However--(Here Tré goes into tirade about stress and although it's a weekend, it's go go go and really she can't handle much at this point...not to mention the upcoming elk hunt and Sat and Sun are her ONLY days to shoot the 30-06 where as Joel can do it whenever during the week and let the whole tirade just be a warning that the fuse is short--not crabby, but it won't take much to push her over the edge into some sort of something--could be insane laughter, an angry outburst or crying--who knows what or when? And so meeting some of his roping buddies is actually a more stressful thing at this point than fun and pleasant..yaddda yadda yadda)---so anyway, what time is the roping at on Sunday--when do we have to be there?"

J: "I don't know. Could be 10, or 1 or 2..."

T (imitating Charlie Brown): "AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHH"

day 60-29

Two months. Wow. Two full months of being on SB and 12 pounds down. Not bad really. I’m a few shy of the 2 pounds a week I was hoping, but still happy with the results. The elca sent out their healthy newsletter or whatever recently and it said to help keep motivated a person should take 5 to list 5…I’m paraphrasing in a big way because I can’t quite remember the details but this makes sense to me…list 5 reasons why you need to stay motivated as well as what is going well, so here are mine:

· I feel better than I have in years. I don’t feel (as) fat and uncomfortable being around myself.

· When I catch a glance of me in the mirror or a window I don’t cringe and look away.

· I’m closer to my goal.

· I haven’t checked but 10 to 1 my cholesterol has gone down.

· Clothes are more fun to shop for and purchase when they are smaller. :)


BLECH! i asked for an omelet from the cafe today and they put SHROOMS in it! BLECH! Thank goodness they are big so I can pull them out but there's still shroom juice in my eggs...this is so wrong...

29 September 2005


Months ago I made a change in my life. Or at least I tried. besides turning 30, I felt I needed to work on my inner-self and become the person I really am versus the person I thought people wanted me to be. Lying in bed last night I wondered if I had succeeded at all, in any small way, yet. I’m not sure my negativity has gone away even though I’ve stopped hanging out with Bob and Margaret. I want it to though…hell, if anything has taught us that life is too short, it’s hearing about Richard’s death, all the victims of Katrina and all those who have died in Iraq. Life is worth so much more than being negative and worrying about every little detail. Of course then you get, well I get, to the question of the purpose of life. I must really be exhausted to be thinking about the meaning of life. maybe I should just watch monty python again. but really, I looked around and I see some of my friends doing SO much with their life and helping others, and I wonder about the rest of us – what is our purpose? Did God really intend for us to be sitting at a computer typing away on ems trying to make sure everyone has a meeting space?

This morning was the most beautiful sunrise. Looking east, a bright blue sky with some orange and yellow highlights bounced off the lingering clouds from the cool night. As I looked west this morning, the reflection off the mpls skyline was incredible – there were gray clouds as a backdrop for a stunning display of steel and power. What a panoramic view I had! Such a glorious look at God’s creation.

day 59-28

Doing well today. I haven’t had these since Monday AM and though I would love one (or two or seven), I’m holding off…well at least until later when I can get to Rainbow to get more. :)

28 September 2005

HD sighting

I just saw Hans Dahl!

when it rains, it pours; and it's definitely raining.

SO I’m finally excited about something. Last night I went to Macbeth at the Guthrie Lab. What an experience. I love Macbeth anyway, but the way the performed this was just incredible. More on that later as I forgot the program in the car.

ALSO very excited because K is getting ordained this Saturday and I get to see her and E! YAY! it’s been 2 months since I’ve seen them – well on Saturday it will be two months to the day. I can’t wait.

AND THEN I get to go to WI to see K&E and their new house! Woohoo! A weekend away from LS, with no commitments or complications (hopefully). It’ll be good to get away from here and spend time with 2 of my friends whom I love so dearly.

Next week is Denim Week for Breast Cancer Awareness– well Denim Day is on the 7th, but SEC is going to try to celebrate all week. We’re planning a pink ribbon cookie sale, a breakfast on Friday, a memory/honor book online and then reading those names (or at least having them on a sheet of paper) in chapel during the prayers. We’ll be taking donations, natch. I hope it will be a great week. I’m always nervous about this week. This is my baby, so to speak, and I want it to go well.

So I have to laugh. I’ve been on match.com for a long time, to no avail. Not consistently by any means but enough. 18 months ago a guy winked at me. I was seeing D at the time so I said thanks but no thanks. 6 months later D and I ended so I half-heartedly winked back to the guy. He winked back and then 2 months passed before anything. Then he emailed and we went back and forth setting up a time to meet. We had agreed to dinner the Saturday after Thanksgiving, but somehow he ended up in Vegas and didn’t call. So whatever. Well a month ago, bekah and I were kidding around and she winked at him from my account again! that night he winked back! Hahaha…I let it go and didn’t do anything about it, but today he emailed and supposedly wants to meet again. too funny. Not sure what to do about this one. I may wait it out a bit.

And then FEN called last night needing my help tomorrow night with his new computer. He’s computer illiterate and needs some help setting things up, learning how to email and look up p**n. just kidding on the last one. That should be interesting since I know just enough to be dangerous. Hopefully I’ll be able to help him and not hinder him. :)

day 58-27

Weighed this morning, just to see. Down another pound finally! I’m off the plateau, and God-willing I’ll keep off that pound and keep going lower. I’m at a weight I haven’t been in 2 years, yet I’m still at least 3 pounds away from breaking the weight I’ve never been able to drop below since college. Ugh.

27 September 2005

day 57-26

Good day today…had my eggs, had my salad/chicken, ate out at Pizza Lucé for the first time with a1 and a2 (had ½ of a chicken Dijon hoagie on whole wheat…yummy!) and also got an email from Jim at sbonline…he’s my new diet coach. I had written to Shawn, but Shawn no longer works there so Jim is taking on my file. He gave me some good pointers - like going ALL…THE…WAY to phase 2 instead of the phase 1.5. Apparently phase 2 is the phase designed for the most weight loss…I didn’t know that. very interesting. I still hesitate because I don’t want to backslide and be eating bread non-stop like I have in the past. I had the half sandwich last night and it was very good, and I’m glad to know that I have been doing well these last 57 days at saying no most times to bread. It’s a good start for me at least. I need to get back running…it’s been a couple weeks which isn’t good (no smilies!) but timing hasn’t worked out the best. It’s best for me, psychologically, to go home, have a light supper, then run, but when you’re not getting home until after 7pm and it’s almost dark out this doesn’t work…not in our neighborhood (see here for more details if you haven’t read them already). So I either need to suck it up and join Bally’s or something comparable OR I need to start hauling my ass to SH and working out in the gym there. The latter requires me to bring yet another bag to work with me each day – clothes to change into of course. I may have to turn Morty’s boot into a closet at this rate, with a little portable fridge for my lunch.

26 September 2005

days 54-23, 55-24, 56-25

I may have an addiction.
It’s a bad thing, but I’m going to try really hard not to let it overcome me this week as it has the past week.
They’re just so good…but, well…you know. Okay, be strong, moe...you can do it.

I finally got lettuce last night (I had been out for 3 days – SO not good) and I’m actually looking forward to my salad today. The weekend eating was rough – I need to figure out how to eat better during events. I tried eating a big salad (from Chipotle – mmmm) yesterday before the president’s tea…and it worked pretty well for the first 4 hours…but those last few hours just didn’t. Something to work on, I guess.

23 September 2005

reality. it's an interesting thing.

Talk about a reality check…today I have been at LS for 3 years as a full-time worker. It seems odd. In some ways I feel as if I have been here forever; in others, it’s like I just began. Oh well. CAH and I are going out for lunch, then I get to open my ‘anniversary present’. I had to pick out what I wanted, so I got a globe. I’ve always wanted a desk globe so I thought why not. It was that or Waterford crystal and I just not a Waterford crystal kind of girl.

Yesterday I went clothes shopping and somewhat successfully. 4 pairs of new pants, 2 sweaters, 2 shirts, new shoes (that don’t clip-clop like my others, well not as bad at least) and 3 pairs of socks for under $200. Not bad really. I needed to get some new clothes. My pants were looking ‘sloppy’ since they were ‘too big’ – comfortable though. :) I’m pleased with my choices, plus the good deals I found. I’m tempted to go get more but I hesitate to do that just yet. My bank account may not be able to survive the beating.

Last night, having come off the high of the CSI premiere (and lamenting that “Warrick” is now married) and seeing my favorite singer in a new Drama (Mandy Patinkin in Criminal Minds), I was having some trouble falling asleep. It was late for me – 11pm. I had read another chapter in Pride and Prejudice, one of my favorites – I was just at the point where Mr. Darcy had proclaimed his love for Elizabeth and she had turned him down…just to the letter her wrote her to explain his actions with Mr. Wickham. I laid down and tried to shut my mind off to sleep. I had my window open and I was thinking how weird it would be to hear something ‘criminal’ at night – it was a still, cold night and I’ve been watching way too much CSI lately – when suddenly I hear a woman yelling obscenities and a gun shot. The block went silent. Then I heard my neighbors moving around upstairs. I wait for a moment and call them. Apparently several other neighbors had called 911 too, so I thought it best not to impose on them since they already have calls in about it. A1 also informed me that apparently there has been some prostitution activity on our corner. Great…I thought we were south of the ghetto but apparently not. A1 also said that this is the 2nd gunshot she’s heard in a month. Not good.

Need to vent…people who call at 9pm and expect a call back for a room reservation for the next day and then call at 8:23, and again at 9:11 and again at 9:15 and again at 9:20 because no one has called them back yet…omigoodness whatever shall they do, anyway…these people need to be smacked. Grrrr

Have you ever wondered what it would be liked to be slapped silly? Is that even possibly to be slapped so much that you just become silly?

day 53-22

I think I’m becoming addicted to these. Not a good thing. Eh, whadda ya do.

Today wasn’t the best. I got up late so I didn’t get my eggs made so I had to buy an omelet at work. It was okay, but not the best. I’m not a fan of egg beaters, but they seem to get confused when I ask for egg whites only so for simplicity I just use the ‘beaters’. Lunch was non-existant as I had forgotten it, plus I had the afternoon off. Broke down and had a sb pizza last night. I’m so wrong.

I’ve been stressed lately – not as bad as last week but still stressed. It’s there this week too, just more subtle. Not sure what to do with this. My schedule is suddenly busier than snot again…I wasn’t quite ready for that – usually it eases in. this time is just ‘slam-bam-thank you ma’am’…and not in the good way. Maybe I’ll settle into a groove soon. I hope soon.

22 September 2005

day 52-21

I have no consistency. One day I’m great, the next horrible. Ugh! I’m so frustrated with myself. Why can’t life just be normal? Just lamenting here…nevermind.

21 September 2005

day 51-20

Yesterday was MUCHO better. I had a beach burger yesterday at green mill…highly recommend except don’t eat the cheese – that wasn’t good. Oh well. I grilled up some E-steak and chicken tonight. that will help my eating situation during the week more. I’ve been out of chicken for my salad since last Friday. Today I finally have some again! YAY!

Note to K – thank you for talking with me about all this SB stuff again. I’m sorry to constantly pick your brain about this and whine and complain. Things aren’t going too bad…12 pounds in 7 weeks really isn’t that bad – I mean this is almost 2 pounds a week. And like I said, the gaining last week with PMS wasn’t as bad as it was the first time. Hopefully this whoosh week will be better. And I know with running and building muscle I’m slowing the ‘loss’ effect for a little bit. It’s all good. You’re so great. :)

20 September 2005

new loves

I love these! And these! And these! And these! And these!
But not these.

Oh I love these too!
i lead a sad life.

day 50-19

Wow - 50 days already? and only 11 pounds down and at least 19 to go. To answer you, K - No…last week was just another bad PMS week. did you have that problem too – where everything seems to just tick you off more and more during those weeks? This week is better, but then again it’s only Tuesday AM. HAHA! Okay…well, I said, no but more so I just felt like I didn’t have a lot time last week. I added up my hours and I had worked 57 Monday-Saturday. A lot of later nights at work, getting home and just feeling so exhausted (physically and mentally) I could barely move. It was just a looooong week. I finally did dishes last night after about a week an a half…so not good. Last night wasn’t much better – I got home after 7 and was just wiped out…I did dishes out of sheer necessity, had some pistachios (oh so healthy) and crashed. My energy is just sapped, and I know it’s because I’m not eating well and I haven’t been running. I just suck. OH and did you know chipotle actually has a salad now? I saw an ad for it when mom and I were there after Labor Day. I haven’t been there since but I need to go back.

19 September 2005


I can relate…except the part about being a size 4…


I had the joy and pleasure of being able to witness the baptism of Elizabeth Adele this weekend…Ellie, that is. So sweet and what a wonderfully long service. :) the sermon was about grace…very appropriate, very good, very long. But it brought back a lot of thoughts about grace.

Often, I think, people see grace as fairness…the pastor had spoken about a man who had killed a couple for drug money or something but then had confessed his sorrow and regret to his girlfriend asking for the families forgiveness. He had continued saying he hoped to see them in heaven. Then the man killed himself. The pastor had written about the situation in his newsletter and had received an overwhelming response from his parishioners who felt the man shouldn’t go to heaven…it wasn’t fair. The flash of ‘works’ came back to me and the thought that you have to “DO” something to win favor with God. O! how I hope that isn’t true…because Lord knows I’m such a sinner and if heaven was based on works alone I would so be spending eternity with Dante instead.

Baptism is an incredible gift…I like the way our denomination views baptism – as a gift, something we don’t understand or ask for, but a gift, and incredible life-giving gift. It’s sad that as we get older we forget the beauty of an unexpected gift. Christmas lists, birthday requests…all lead up to ‘expected’ gifts. Hell, I’m even asking friends what they would like or NEED for ordination. Maybe it takes away a bit of the joy of receiving the gift – as well as the joy of giving. But we’re such a material society that we (natch, I) hesitate to give things that people don’t need or won’t use (like knickknacks…paddywhack, give a dog a bone). Baptism goes completely against that thought – you don’t NEED grace, maybe you won’t USE it, but it’s still a gift that God has given because God wants you to have it. Pretty cool.

I’m also overjoyed to be a prayer partner with Advent. I’ve found myself thinking more and more about the mission start and j&a&l&b-tbn. It’s exciting to be part of something though I’m not actually part of it. That doesn’t make sense but it’s still cool.

day 48-17, 49-18

Hey k, do you remember that first sb weekend I had before I officially started? How I ate sf chocolate and cheese all weekend? Yeah, that was this weekend again, with one sb pizza thrown in for comfort food. Ugh. Craziness. Trying to be better today. I can’t keep this up…it’s killing me.

16 September 2005


thanks e, now I feel totally guilty for breaking down and having some fries at lunch. :) This has been a sucky week and comfort food is screaming at me. So I’m off after a wedding rehearsal at 6 to get another sb pizza…the last for awhile. this weekend will be my last with ‘some carbs’ as I HAVE to go back to just phase one next week. it’ll be whoosh week too so hopefully that’ll help. And hopefully life will slow down even a hair so my head won’t spin as much as it did this week.

15 September 2005

45-14, 46-15

These last two days have been awful. Last night Debbie and I went to Major’s and I was totally awful and had tortilla chips with the pepperjack spinach dip we get. yum but so naughty. Today has been okay but with all these meetings and running around trying to get caught up I’m lucky if I get lunch, let alone my required snacks between meals. It’s not helping me at all. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. Now I’m off to home for leftover chicken…blech…or maybe that last sb pizza. hmmm

14 September 2005

probably shouldn't post...may delete later

Now I know that I’m not the most decisive person in the world but damn…could people just say what they want instead of starting out with an ‘inquiry’ or ‘observation’? UGH! I can’t go into too many details for fear of doocedom but hell people, just say whether you want the table moved or not … don’t just mention that it looks a little close to the door and continue to say it looks like it’s close to the door and when I say we can move it but I need to get this one thing done first say that you weren’t saying we had to move it but that it looks a little close to the door and that someone else might say something even though I say that people have seen it and haven’t said something so you think maybe they are shy (which, hello you’re still not saying what you want) and I say no they aren’t shy they just don’t quite seem to see it as a problem but if you want it moved we can do it and then you say I was just making an observation and walk away. UGH!


Yesterday, while I was trying to feel better from a bad salad (which, of course, made me think of Legally Blonde) I saw a commercial which made me think of K. 3 guys and a girl in a car eating, heaven forbid, mcdonald’s chicken. And they all take turns saying “chicken”. The girl’s of course is the best but she gets a look from the guys like, how DARE you try to be like us… but it made me think of K… CHICKEN!

day 44-13

After feeling like crap all afternoon, I went home, took a short nap and then woke up famished. So I tried one of the kraft sb pizza’s. mmmmm that was good. I hadn’t had pizza since july 23 so it was even better than good. I found myself watching papa john’s commercials wondering if they have a whole wheat crust or if they would ever make one. I miss ordering pizza – the decision, the making the call, the anticipation and finally! Ding-dong and there it is…hot, fresh, steamy and juicy. Mmmm oh well. A small price to pay for being skinny, which I’m not yet and maybe never will be.

13 September 2005

pa, see if i see

How pathetic am I … I haven’t written anything of importance in days, weeks maybe. Maybe that’s a good thing that nothing outstanding or pertinent is happening in my life. or maybe it’s an indicator that so many things are many things going on that I haven’t the time to discuss them.


There are a few things happening…I need to buy a vacuum. i’m knitting a new blanket having finished the one for mom. Choir has started again so that’s taking up Wednesday nights again. Fed-Ex Nick (hereafter will be referred to as FEN) has requested my help in setting up his new computer – he’s finally entering the technology world…very exciting. J&P’s baby girl is getting baptized this weekend…also very exciting. So many of my friends are pregnant right now. I’m glad they all live far away or I fear I’d begin to get the urge and I really don’t need that right now. But that’s the only reason I’m glad they live far away.

Okay so I’m still not getting anything of importance down, am I. maybe I’ll just have to take a break for awhile until I can figure out what’s really going on. :)

day 43-12

Those numbers keep going up but weight won’t go down. Maybe once things resettle into normalcy I can get back on track again. I didn’t run last night, need to tonight. less than 5 months to the 10K. gotta get started.

12 September 2005

Days 40-9, 41-10, 42-11

Nevermind. We couldn’t run because it was too windy. Ugh. What a world…not that I’m complaining…it was windier than snot but man. So I had to do the stupid step test again. It’s so inaccurate. For those who don’t know, the step test is a 3-minute 1-foot step up to a cadence (up – up – down - down) then your buddy checks your pulse, counting for 1 full minute within 3-seconds of completing the test. This is tricky especially if you can’t find pulses well. So I did my test and my buddy counted for the minute and came up with 79. HA! That’s SO unlikely, especially when 3 weeks ago I counted 137 and Kristi counted 122. But, at least it’s not just me since I counted Tammy at 67. blech. So we went with 110 for her and 114 for me. We figured that was fairly fair since neither of us is truly trained in checking pulses. So whatever. In 6 months I get to do it all again but I’m hoping I can talk them into letting me run instead – especially since by then I should have a 10K under my belt!

09 September 2005

day 39-8

I hate having meetings in the afternoons. It throws my eating all off. Oh well. Ran last night, later than normal so I was nervous in itself running through a very wooded park with little lighting at dusk. It’s not that I live in a bad neighborhood, it’s just that I’m just blocks south of ghetto country and I worry. Oh well. I survived and it was fine.

I am putting out a plea for prayers for tomorrow (Saturday) AM. I have to run an almost 3K (that sounds better than 1.5 miles) and I’m so not a morning runner. I’ve been running the past three weeks and getting better but I’m really worried about tomorrow. I don’t like asking for prayers for something so trivial, but I think I could use all the help I can get.

08 September 2005

day 38-7

I think I need to go back to phase 1 completely next week. I’ve been holding steady at my current weight for a couple weeks now…not up but not down either. Maybe a few more weeks on phase 1 would be good.

E you rock! You are a god of the grill, so to speak! I used your tips the other night and omigoodness the succulence of the steak was almost divine! Well, not quite as good as yours, nothing could be as good as yours, but wow! I never knew I could do that! yummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Thank you for sharing your trade secrets!

07 September 2005

speed typer

“How fast are you?” he asks, hearing the clickity-clack of the keys as she types an email. “200? 150?”

“Lord, no,” she replies. “But typing from dictation or my head is way different than typing from a prepared paragraph. From one of those I type about 70.”

“Oh, well then, I won’t think as highly of you anymore,” and he laughed.

The woman burst out laughing. “Well, thanks. That makes me feel better for some reason, though I’m not sure why.”

day 37-6

Took mom to chipotle yesterday. That was yummy. I was bad though and had a little bit of rice and one chip. But it was still yummy. Oh well. Ran last night but the humidity just kicks my ass. I hope it’s not like this Saturday AM. 3 friggin’ days til I have to run for time. Not going well. I just need to pray harder, right? ‘cause prayer solves everything. Mmm hmm…that and running my ass off.

06 September 2005

days 35-4, 36-5

Interesting weekend. Sunday I worked so I sort of ate okay. Monday I didn’t work, which was nice, but then I was just home all day doing nothing and ate horribly. I attempted to make some cookies last night (for mom’s snack bag for her trip home today): my carb control PB cookies with splenda, very little sugar (but some), brown sugar and whole wheat flour. Yeah…they didn’t taste the best – well they just didn’t taste like normal cookies. The flour is weird. Oh well…I didn’t make many so I wasn’t out much. I just shouldn’t have eaten the ones I did. I felt like crap afterward…that’ll teach me. Ha!

I did try some of the Kraft SB meals this weekend…they have refrigerated wraps – the chicken one was pretty good, the turkey one wasn’t too bad. I bought their pizza last night but not going to have it until Sunday after guards. I realized when I bought it that I haven’t had pizza since July 23. how insane is that! this from a girl who used to eat it at least once a week, sometimes more. Look at me…I’m growing.


I must be giving off a pissy “don’t bug me vibe”…a guy just left and it was the 3rd time this morning someone said, “sorry to interrupt you” or “sorry to bother you”. Odd. Granted I work in a pretty open place and when I’m working on something I just want to get it done, AND I’m really tired of the loiterers around my desk…but I don’t mean to give off the ‘leave me alone or I’ll kill you’ vibe…I’m just trying to work! WHY do I feel guilty for this?!?! Well, maybe it's not that I'm guilty but we're supposed to be hospitiable and all that...whatever.

04 September 2005


The crazy thunderstorm this morning was so appropriate on so many levels. One score, minus 9 years ago, the rain was pouring down just as it was this morning – a youthful heart seeing it as God’s tears for the loss of his servant, but knowing it doesn’t quite work that way. The fresh water cleansing the earth mixed with salty tears from the faces of those in mourning over the loss of such a young and loved man. Today it does the same…water washes over the faces of those mourning RW and those who ache for the victims of Katrina.

One of the students here just walked by singing his standard song (often he walks by singing this tune), “There is a balm in Gilead…to make the wounded whole…” Is there? Really? Wouldn’t it be great if there was a balm, a cream, an over-the-counter-cure that we could use to make the wounded whole? All those in the southern part of the states, those here hurting and in anguish, those in Iraq/Afghanistan/Israel/etc who live in suffering every day…how incredible it would be to have a miracle cream to take it all away.

But we don’t…and on a basic level, that really sucks. Reality bites, or so the movie stated. We are left to rely on the one stable thing in our world but relying on Him takes a great amount of faith, and at times of struggle, sadness and anguish it can be difficult. Those of us who have it ‘good’ need to stand up, realize the gift we have not only in material possessions but life itself and call on Him, ourselves and others to help those in need. Thanks to suburban bliss for helping me realize my blessings. I can't believe it took me this long to own up to it.

03 September 2005

days 33-2, 34-3

Friday was awful…well, after FINALLY eating lunch around 2:30 after the guy left, I worked til 6:40, then karen s and I went to the wallace’s for the open house. We didn’t stay long but it dredged up some memories again. Oh well. Went home and wasn’t really hungry so I had some soy tortilla chips which are good, but thank goodness have an aftertaste so I don’t overeat them. I should have gone running but I was just exhausted so instead I took a long bath and went to bed at 9:30.

Today’s food isn’t going well either. I did have breakfast but I missed lunch. I’m just not hungry on the weekends. Odd. Talked with my former trainer…he’s now a vegan – well at least at home, but when he’s out and about (like this weekend) then he plays vegetarian. He hasn’t had meat intentionally since July 1. Seems odd, but he’s looking good. We’re both getting little! I'm intending to run tonight after the wedding and running a couple errands. i should have run this morning but I completely slept in! wow! 10 hours of incredible sleep. I feel great today.

Oh and I making plans to run a 10K in Feb in Florida with Mikey and Schlenker. Let’s just see if I actually follow through on that one. :)

02 September 2005

i'm hungry and there's a guy leaning on my desk

It’s a bad thing that I have this complex about eating in front of people, and it’s worse that someone has to use my desk to look at the map because uffda I’m hungry because I forgot to eat (it’s takes a special kind of stupid to forget to eat). Oh wait…maybe he’s going to leave now…food calling me….

grief...for some...to a point

Today marks a sad day on many levels. One is the news that Richard Wallace passed away. The sad part of this news is that his wife wasn’t home with him when it happened. She’s flying in today. Richard was a great professor, so incredibly intelligent and a gift to this community. He will be missed.

Another level is more personal. I’m going to try to be cryptic because if I’m not I won’t be able to write…not that most close to me won’t be able to figure out but whatever…and I’m not even sure I should anyway because I don’t want a flocking emails and phone calls. I really am okay, I don’t need to hash things out; it’s just things tend to find their way into my brain at the most inopportune times. It’s just one of those things that happened moments ago. Anyway…

Four score, minus 9 years, minus 5 ½ hours ago at this moment last words were spoken. I think we all knew what was going to happen, but hope was trying to stay strong. It turned into a long roller-coaster weekend of emotions, ups and downs, hopes lifted, hopes shattered, and a culmination to something we knew deep down was coming but just didn’t want to let go.

The amazing thing was looking back and seeing the gift he gave us and had been giving us over the past year. It was like he was preparing us or something. He was finally doing things we had asked him to do over the years – fixing his teeth, siding the house, etc. he had been working frantically trying to finish things up. I know to a point he was sad he didn’t get to finish the house as he had planned but that worked out in the end too. The public outpouring of support and help was astounding. The final gift he gave us was doing what he had sworn he would never do…and in return we reciprocated with the only gift we could give. It still saddens me we had to make that decision, but thank goodness we had all understood his wish. Conversations previously made it much easier.

Okay I’m done for now. Like I said, don’t feel like I’m doing horrible or in this state of depression…it’s just sadness. Lots of reminders today…that’s all. I’m cool…don’t you worry.

day 32-1, short note to add

I tried running last night…but it was pretty pathetic. I was so tired. The aftermath of driving to SD and back, especially the slow drive of actually going the speed limit since mom was following me, and then working before and after…just all wore me out. So I ran once around, walked another, went home and did some crunches. A small smiley day since I did do something but not really great. I’m still tired today but have every goal to run tonight.

01 September 2005

FW - looks fine

they aren't here so they must have made it. I'll let you know more Friday.
update: 5:20pm: the supper is going really well. they chicken was good. i wish they would have had a salad without pasta, but that's just me...oh and maybe a non-sugared drink. people seem to be enjoying themselves. more tomorrow.

days 31, 32-1

My one YAY for the day yesterday (day 31) was I avoided cake at the reception and the soup supper before. Not ready for soup yet, but the salad I got from arby’s was awful. What makes me sad is I used to love that place…I should, having worked there 8 years, but man they have really gotten icky. I’m so not impressed…but maybe that’s just because I’m not impressed in general with fast food anymore. Today’s lunch at McDonald’s made me want to barf but I had no alternative at the time so alas I choked it down. It’s a good thing that I don’t like these places anymore (not that I ever did like McD’s – kangaroo meat and all (thanks, Chip!)) because otherwise I would have problems.

Oh and hey! I've made it a whole month! WOW!

I know some of you are wondering about the 32-1: I’m going to continue to count the days as a total first (because I just need to know!) but I need to use the date as well so I can keep track of where I am in the month…that’s all. It’ll get confusing for some but not for me. HA!

Running tonight. I haven’t talked to A1 if she’s up for it again…will have to do that when I get home.