Returning to the land of choices

So I’m back. Did ya miss me? Oh, wait, no? Well, no kidding. I wouldn’t have missed me either.

I’m sitting at work tonight, awaiting arriving guests and listening to the same organ piece being played again and again. This reminds me of when I first started working here and Jana would play every morning the same 4 measures of this intense piece over and over and over and over…well you get the idea.

I often get people commenting to me during the day, “Wow, organ music right there for your enjoyment! You must feel so lucky to hear such great music.” Yeah, yeah. Don’t get me wrong, I do. I highly value the skills, talents, abilities, gifts, stamina, determination these folks have, but after awhile, it can get old. I occasionally try to turn on the radio or CD when I’m getting frustrated with the same section being played, but it doesn’t usually tune it out, so instead of I turn on my children’s ears and turn a deaf ear to all of it. Good thing I’ve had 31 years of practice, huh mom?

But anyway, tonight I’m back in the cities, with still no future in sight. My horoscope for today scared me a bit:
It's time for you to face your own ghosts before tackling the issues of your friends and family. Your role within your peer group can become muddled over the months ahead if you don't. You may be seeking harmony through your social relationships, but this cannot be found until you first find a bit of peace within yourself.

And tomorrow’s is this:
You thought you were right on track, but you may realize just how much you must change in order to keep up with the shifting landscape. If you aren't comfortable with your place in the outer world today, look to your chosen career for clues. Your relationship to your profession can tell you what you need to know.

Yeah, the second one scared me a lot actually. I think this is my basic problem. I’m not sure what I should be doing. KG and I were talking earlier how it was so simple as a child, decisions were made for us, but now we’re the ones making the decisions and if we screw up it has a bigger impact than it did.

I suppose in reality I can’t really make a bad decision because if what I choose doesn’t work out I can always quit and start again, right? I mean, people do it everyday so why can’t I?

Maybe it’s because failure never has been an option. I always had to do really well at things and if I didn’t I felt horrible. Once when I was in high school I deliberately failed an English quiz just so the rest of my classmates would see that I wasn’t perfect, which, of course, I already knew. (and of course after I failed I felt even worse) In fact in college I remember being the only one in the class to get a listening quiz correct and the girl next to me (with perfect pitch, mind you) got many wrong! That was a complete fluke (and I keep the quiz in a frame with a note from RD on it).

Well, none of that really makes sense with what I’m trying to write. I may or may not hear tomorrow regarding the job I interviewed for Wednesday. Another position closes in a week and a half, and yet another opens Friday. So many options…maybe too many for me. :)