05 March 2010

My ass twitches

It’s funny how life comes around to bite you in the ass. For years when my friends have had struggles I’ve always asked them if they’ve talked with someone – professionally, that is. My statement was always, “There’s no shame in therapy. In fact, in New York people are considered odd if they don’t have a therapist. We should all be going to a therapist!”

But when it comes to me, I somehow have felt I haven’t needed one. “I can deal with the issue(s).” “DLE was just a dumbass.” “It was Dad’s time to go.” “ They’re just petty – it’s nothing vital that needs to be talked to a professional about, especially for oodles of money/hour.” “It’s just stupid stuff and a good run will get me through.” And the kicker, “I don’t need a therapist.” Plus I think I have felt because my thoughts have always seemed petty and lame after getting through my crying jag that it’s just pathetic to even go and a) waste the money or b) waste someone else’s precious time (or even mine for that matter).

All that said (and most of the time I still think like that), I find I’m at a point that I probably can’t just run anymore. For one, trying to run through the problems are affecting my actual runs – I get distracted and I can’t focus on my breathing or my stride which screws up my pace. For two, it’s just not helping. Things are just getting to be too much lately. There are so many issues going on in my head that I find myself crying at random moments for what seems to be no reason. MS, God bless him, is concerned about what’s wrong (so he can help) and I don’t know what to tell him. It’s not one thing; it’s multiple. And the one time we tried to talk through things he was very good about not trying to fix it, but just consoling me and listening. Of course at the end he asked, “Who do you usually talk to about this stuff? SBK? KC?” uh, no. They’re wonderful but they don’t understand and truly we’re not that close. K&E are usually the ones I talk to but though no fault of their own they live two states away and phone conversations are difficult. I just don’t have close friends nearby, especially ones I feel comfortable bearing my soul to.

So it’s probably time I go to a therapist and actually bawl talk out the issues at hand. There are many and I’m not sure where to start. My company has a program where you can get 12 sessions for free (per issue, per counselor) so I could take care of one problem with one counselor, then reapply and talk through another problem with another counselor, etc., but I’m not sure how helpful that would be. A friend of mine who is a pastor in town recommended a lady I could go to, but she seems pretty popular so that might be tough. And MS has even suggested we go together to his therapist, which might not be bad either (though I have a lot of my issues I need to work through without him).

I’ll admit I’m scared because I don’t really know what to expect. I’ll admit I’m scared because I’m not sure I’m ready to reveal my soul and all the crap that goes on in my head. I’ll admit I’m scared because I’m such a good German-Scandinavian-Midwestern woman (a lethal combo) that I don’t talk about my feelings very well so opening up is very difficult.

I’m just unsure, scared, uncertain, afraid, nervous, anxious, embarrassed, worried, sad…I could go on. And I’m not sure how to start.

3 comments:

jillwillrun said...

I was terrified the first time I went to a therapist. And I didn't click with her at all... but my current therapist, I like talking to her. Even if I don't go in there with a specific topic I want to start talking about, she usually has ways of getting me to open up and understand things about myself. Right now I can't imagine not seeing her, but I know there will be a time when I don't need her. My friend used to see a therapist and said that she knew she was ready to move on when she no longer felt like she NEEDED to go see her as appointments approached.

I have a shirt that says "Running is cheaper than therapy." But in all honesty, I should add a line to it that says "But some of us need both at times."

Good luck. If you ever need to email, feel free!

Kat said...

emailing you!

Eric Jay said...

I like to think of therapists as coaches. Nobody would expect an athlete to improve their game without someone else there to observe, give objective feedback, and share ideas, right? And while it's great to have a friend help out, when you really want to improve your game, you go to someone who is professionally trained in that role. Why should our mental health be any different?