NaBloPoMo's theme for the month is voices and boy let me tell you my voice was aching to break free today.
It started out with a phone confrontation with a colleague and it really pissed me off. I found out later that at least I wasn't the only one getting yelled at by this person but still there was no reason for this.
I was doing my job based on my job description and what I am supposed to do and there was a minor problem (easily fixed with a reboot) which triggered this immediate phone call (before the reboot). Then in that same phone call another issue was brought forth, again falling in my realm of things and I was attacked for, basically, supposedly butting into an area that's not my own. Fact, I needed to be involved in the issue, too. I can't really get into details which makes this really vague... sorry.
But what was funny, as I was on the phone with the colleague, I was getting so frustrated. The person wouldn't even let me talk and explain what I had done, why I had done it - they kept interrupting me as I tried to talk. I was literally holding the phone, my face in a angered look, clutching my free hand in a fist, and visible shaking because I just wanted to scream, "SHUT UP!" The funny part was that my boss walked by right at that moment and was genuinely concerned. Later I just wanted to walk outside and scream out, "FCUK!" because I couldn't get it out.
Thankfully, my good calm voice came to the forefront as I breathed in deep and when this person finally came up for air with a 2-second delay I jumped in and said, "Let me explain what I did so you understand." I said this in a very pointed way, but polite because I'm super nice. Anyway, we finally hung up and I muttered, which I'm sure Boss1 heard, "And that's why I should just go home."
The other voice in my head was this // close to saying to the phone person, "Fine. Then I'll let you work on the project this weekend that I agreed months ago to help on, since apparently I'm not supposed to be doing any of this. And those three articles I was writing...yeah, I'll just skip that too. Besides I have my own work to do."
But I didn't, though when they emailed later this afternoon wanting to get together tomorrow and asking how much work I've gotten done on the project, I said, "I haven't even looked at it. I'm hoping to tomorrow AM but I have a bunch of my work I need to get done and I have meetings all afternoon." Grrr.
Somehow my voice of reason eventually came out and my blood pressure went down and I was breathing easier. But I do regret venting to people about the situation whom I probably shouldn't have been venting to. I lost my venting post a while back and I'm really needing an outlet, especially in times like this. I need to find someone I can trust to talk to.
Or I just need to take up yoga so I can find my inner peace and calming inner voice.