Desperate need...

I'm in desperate need of a mental health day today (or at least a hug from an adorable 5-mth-old - Nika! Where are you?). I'm struggling with mother issues...again...along with guilt and obligation, all of which are weighing heavily upon me today.

So last night Mom and I went to Chicago. Mom was wise in that she scheduled this time with me months ago (mostly because we needed to buy tickets). It was a good show and I was pleased. It was nice to spend time with her, that is until she threw down the guilt trip gauntlet.

See, Mom dances. She dances a lot - like polka and square primarily. She has added to her repertoire a small group thing that meets on Tuesdays, I think, and they do some tap? or something to some different songs. Anyway, she talks about it but it's just in an offhanded kind of way.

Last night we're getting ready to go and she says, "If you're not doing anything Thursday night you can come to the Center and watch me dance." Okay, first...the whole "center" thing drives me nuts. It's like when she says she's dancing at the VFW on Friday night only she calls it just the "VF", as in, "I'll have to see who's playing at the VF because if they aren't a good band, I'm not going." Um... so they are just veterans who are foreign - i.e. foreign veterans? Nothing to do with being in wars? Really? Plus the "center" just sounds like she's going to some sort of old folks home or something (not that there's anything wrong with that).

Anyway...my second issue with this is that this is the first I've heard about it. My sister said something about mom inviting her and Em up but I thought that was last Thursday and on a drill week like last week I'm pretty much non-existent for outside activities. So the surprise was on me when it's this Thursday.

This wouldn't be a big deal but I actually have plans...which yes I could cancel, but I rarely go out and this is one of those things I'm trying to work on in my life. This is where I'm struggling, because when I said to Mom, "It's my Bunco night with the girls," she said, "Well I guess none of my children will see me dance then, because Emily has piano lessons and Kevin can't come down."

Suck...I hate this. I hate feeling guilted into being there. She swears she told me but I know she hadn't. It'd be one thing if she had told me about this last week so I could have put it on my calendar, and if she had said, "I'd really like it if you could be there," (that whole - asking and expressing what she wants would be nice) but this whole around about kind of asking and then the guilt that no one's going to be there, drives me nuts. And what pisses me off is I know I'll probably skip my thing tomorrow night to go because I feel obligated as her child to be there (especially since I know the other children can't/won't) but I'll be annoyed the whole time I'm there that I won't even enjoy it.

I know I should be doing these things because someday mom won't be around. But right now I'm feeling a lot of pressure that I probably don't need to feel or should feel but I do because I'm the one "in town". I'm the single one with no obligations and yet when I have obligations I feel guilty for having them. Maybe this is why I go back to the cities so often - so I can get away and out of town and not feel guilty, because let's face it - if I'm not here I can't be held responsible for not attending something. But maybe this is also why I don't make plans in town with people or date, for that matter, because if I do start to have a life suddenly things will be conflicting with other things and I'll be on the guilt thing again.

But that's beside the point, because I am here - in town - and I do feel guilty. And I know I'll go because that's just who I am. Luckily Bunco is a practice night, but it still sucks. I hate this feeling.