Picture Day

Remember picture day when you were a kid? I hated picture day. Mom always wanted to put me in some stupid outfit, I had awful hair (seriously - I'd prove it but I think the internet would break if I did), and I just never liked how I looked.

I remember my 2nd grade photo. I had been given a necklace with my name on it from one of my relatives. I loved that thing. So I snuck it with me that day and put it on before I took the picture. When the order came back and I had that on Mom was so mad at me. Why, I never understood, but whatever. I liked it.

This morning I took a picture of me before I headed to work. My friend has been asking for one of me in uniform for her iPhone. So I obliged, finally. I was going to put it here but I'm still debating. Maybe I will tomorrow if I'm feeling more up to it.

Because, when I got home today (and looked at me now and man, I look old and really tired) I decided I'd need a pick me up and so I'd eat at my table. I mean, the t-shirt contest ends tonight (did you sign up yet?) and so I cleaned off the table, made up a yummy meal and sat down to one of the saddest sights ever: one plate, one fork, one glass. (and yes, I know my table and chairs don't match...I'm staining this weekend, I think.)

But at least the meal looked good:

Okay, so I didn't eat all that food, I swear. I have meals now for a few days. Which is good. I'm really trying to watch how I eat - preferably staying in versus going out all the time. Besides, I like to cook, it just sucks doing it for one. I'm not a good leftover eater. I have in my freezer leftovers of my meatloaf muffins as well as containers from the chicken in the crock pot fiasco.

Anyway, I'm losing my mind, I'm going to go clean my kitchen now and then go to bed early. My Big Fat Greek Wedding is on and it's just depressing me and my life. That's me without the cute vegetarian to fall in love with me. Just call me frump girl. (Wow, we must be coming up on S.A.D., huh?)

So, anyway, I have written down the 8 names that have so far signed up for the t-shirt contest. I will be drawing tomorrow morning (after I add anyone else who signs up tonight). I will let the winners know tomorrow. So cross your fingers! I wish you all luck!

Do you really want to know me?

“I aim here only at revealing myself, who will perhaps be different tomorrow, if I learn something new which changes me.” – Montaigne

This is the quote at the top of my blog page. This is basically the meaning behind what I do here - with my writing, my rambling. I'm trying to find myself and reveal who I really am, not just to my readers, but also to myself.

So here's one basic truth: if you want me to be or think I am crabby, tell me I sound like I'm crabby. Trust me, this will make me crabbier than you have ever imagined me to be. And be sure to do it often, in the middle of a conversation, close to my bedtime, especially after a long day of work. Just like this: "You sound crabby." It's very simple. A sarcastic or crabby tone from yourself helps. And bonus points if you follow it with a short, pointed "Goodnight" and hang up on me. Shall we all try it together?

"You sound crabby." *click*

Very good! I'm so impressed. You picked that up quite well for your first time.

Please, please don't do this to me...I don't like being crabby.

Uh oh...

Have you signed up to win the t-shirt yet? Come on! Just do it! Right HERE.

I am insane. I think I just agreed to either teach an adult ed course or agreed to teach Hebrew itself to an adult ed class at church this fall. ummmm....

Yeah, so I was fine having agreed to this when I walked out of the church. I was fine when I got in my car. It was 2 blocks later when I was replaying the conversation in my head (and out loud - hell, we all know I talk to myself) that I realized what had actually transpired. Yep, I agreed to teach.

That, and the fact that Olaf asked me if my job pays well and when I said I do well, he said, "Good! Then you wouldn't need to be paid for your services." And laughed.

Thank goodness the rest of the day was okay. Yes, just okay. I did get a lot of kudos for my pot stirring accomplishments (mostly from those who don't have to suffer the backlash of the woman). I got a lot finished, but my list also grew 10 fold with everything else I have to complete before the weekend. Oh well, it keeps things interesting.

I did make it to the gym today. It sucks going alone and in the cold. I just sat in the sauna and sweated out some evil, then pretended to do a little lifting before heading back to the sauna. I forgot my iPod so it was pretty quiet. I'm just not motivated to run these days and I really need to get going. Brookings is coming up way quicker than I'd like.

Crazy day

I work too much: I think I am a workaholic. I took a quiz a week or so ago and it said if you like going to work more than staying home you were a workaholic. Well I love my job and today I loved being at work - even if it felt insane the entire day.

At least there was something going on. Last week took forever to complete and when it finally finished it felt like a month had passed. Holy cow. But today was great. Weeks before our scheduled weekends to work are awesome.

Le Freak: Oh and the freak out happened this morning from my pot stirring. I didn't have to break the news to the lady, her supervisor did that, but then she proceeded to bug me constantly all day on whether or not I had this item in, or that item in, or "Dean just sent out the email on the job announcement, here's a paper copy" (yeah, I'm on the email distro list...thanks), and on and on and on. I understand that this was her task and we changed it and so I suppose I should have expected the 3rd degree on the content (but I'm not stupid, I know what is supposed to go in- duh, it's not rocket science). Anyway, I'm taking it over for this month, then I'll send her next month's template and she can go from there. It's going to be a long process but whatever.

Blast from the past: And today I got an email from a guy I went to training with back in 2002. He finally saw the light and joined the Blue and so he was able to track me down that way. Pretty cool...we exchanged a couple emails and then played phone tag.

Conference plans: So Indecision08 continues. I talked with RAC again and asked him more about this event on S.A.D. First I asked him where it was held...he gave me a quizzical look (like I'm an idiot 'cause everyone should know this) and told me. And I said, "Really? Where does it say that on the registration form?" He said that everyone knows that. And I asked him to put himself in my or a younger Airman's shoes who are encouraged [pushed] to go to this event and then he saw my point.

But I explained that I don't have a whole lot of cash to spend on a hotel room that night - especially just to sleep. I also am not a fan of the drinking binges that seem to ensue following the dinner, so my plan was to just drive back that night. Well, that's a 3-hour drive so now he's telling me I should not go this year and plan better for next year (find a roommate, etc).

I don't have a problem driving back in the middle of the night (9pm) but I just hate these events! UGH! I feel obligated to go because of my job, but I also know a bigwig who got ahead without going to any of these functions (until last year when he had to).

So I'm back to square one. Trying to figure out the hair, the formal dress (I gave my shirt and jacket to mom to sew on the new rank), and the money side.

I'm finished: I need to sleep and make cookies. Not in that order. Don't forget to comment on yesterday's post if you want a chance at a t-shirt!

T-Shirt, anyone?

Bethany Actually inspired me this week. Not that this is a first. Nor is this offer totally like Bethany - she actually offers homemade, cool items. I just have t-shirts.

A month or so ago, I had ordered new t-shirts from Despair and they mistakenly sent me two shirts I didn't order. They didn't want them back so they've been sitting on my table since.

I bought new chairs this weekend and I want to eat at my table, so I'm offering up these two shirts. Please comment on this posting by 11:59 p.m. CST 31 Jan 08. I'll put the names in a bowl and draw for the winners.

Now there are two different shirts, so if you have a preference, please put that specification in your comment. I'll draw for the Blog one first and then Change shirt. If you specify you only want the Blog shirt, I'll put you in that drawing only. If you specify you only want the Change shirt, you'll be in that drawing. If you don't care, you'll be in both. Fair?

Here're the specs:

BLOG shirt: mens style, XL, Black - looks basically like this:


CHANGE shirt: Mens style, 3XL, asphalt with white writing (yes, I said 3XL - great sleep shirt!)
Unlike Bethany, I don't have consolation prizes (sorry!). But good luck to you all! And I'll post the winners Friday, Feb. 1.

Indecisive again

This morning I had coffee with KB which is always fun. I am realizing that I need to talk to people more or those I do get to converse with I end up chewing their ear off.

Anyway, I chatted with her this morning and we talked about my hair ('cause I didn't make it to Juut this weekend). See I've been debating all weekend about this conference. For one, it's in the middle of the week for one night, which sucks. For two, it's on Singles Awareness Day and that's usually a day I stay dressed in black and eat cookie dough. And for three, I just hate attending these kinds of functions.

But KB suggested I rethink that considering where I work now. I was debating because RAC thinks I should go but I just, ugh... I just hate forced engagements like this. So yesterday when I didn't make it to Juut I figured I'd just skip the conference and then I don't have to worry about my hair until June when I go to the opera. But now with KB's wise suggestions, maybe I'll have to find a place here instead. I have a couple more weeks to think about it, but I do want to get my hair done soon if I'm going to so I can play with it. We'll see. (Because if I do go it's a fairly formal function and I'd need to have my "game hair" on).

The other problem is that I realized when I was driving up Saturday that the registration deadline for hotel rooms for the night closed on Friday, so I'd either have to pay a butt load to stay (if I can even find a room) or drive back that night (which would give me a very viable excuse to leave early).

I hate political games like this...that to get ahead or stay ahead you have to attend these functions. I guess I shouldn't call it a conference either, since it's more like a dinner party thing. But either way, it just seems fake. RAC assures me that it's a good time, but I don't need to travel 3 hours in the middle of the week, dress up in blues and hob nob with a bunch of people to have a good time.

I don't know. KB is right, RAC is right, but I hate admitting that.

And it doesn't help that this is my horoscope today:
Social events may be filling your calendar faster than you can prioritize them, especially if you also consider your responsibilities at work. But it still might not be enough to prevent you from dreaming about your future as if it is filled only with glowing rainbows. Your life may be looking sweet, but avoiding difficult issues will only make things more complicated in the weeks ahead.

Another quickie

Quickie's are never satisfying...not that I would know. I'd love a quickie anytime...since basically the only excitement I ever get is the once a year medical checkup. Woohoo...

But that's not the point here today. This will be quick because once again I'm sitting in the hallway at my lodging anxiously typing, hoping that no one returns to their room because the door to the outside is 5 feet away. ugh.

I went to church today and got to see Ethan Allen. *sigh* What a hottie. I remember the countless choir practices of mooning over him (not mooning him...I'm not that crazy). He's so cute and what a doll. He actually remembered me. It's fun to reacquaint yourself with someone unexpectedly (sometimes). We shared the sign of peace and I could see in his eyes that it took a second but the recollection came back that he knew me. After church he came up and said, "Moe!" I said (as he was politely reminding me of his name - like I wouldn't remember him, HA!), "Ethan!" We caught up and I briefly lamented moving away. Not that I saw him all that much anymore anyway...he kind of dropped out of choir about 10 months before I got my job so I hadn't seen him much anyway. All the more reason it was awesome that he remembered me.

Then on to Target where I found Diet Coke with Splenda, on sale, which doesn't seem to exist in my world anymore. And I picked up some more Dropps. Then it was on to the insanity that is Ikea. Luckily I had already scoped out what I wanted so it was just a matter of snaking my way through to the right aisle and bin to pick up 2 chairs. I'll be getting two more on my next trip (trying to spread the wealth). The lady who was at the checkout made a funny - "hurry up and wait." I said I was used to it being in the military and all and we started chatting. I think her daughter is in the Corps but I'm not positive on that...but she is overseas and loving every minute. Fun.

Then I was bum and burrowed into my hotel and took a nap in anticipation of a later night tonight when I went to see Peer Gynt at the Guthrie.

First off, let me say, that I felt a little stupid yesterday because I couldn't for the life of me remember the story of Peer Gynt. So thankfully my theatrically intelligent friend helped me out with it and explained the Grieg side as well.

Well, this one was a version by Robert Bly and in Guthrie fashion wasn't anything like I expected. The beginning was a little improv with the audience, which my row mates weren't too thrilled with. I, of course being the wannabe actor, played along. It was fun.

Second, Mark Rylance is awesome. I love watching him act. He puts his whole heart, body and soul into his characters. I saw him a year or two ago when the Shakespeare Company came to do Measure for Measure. It was incredible.

Third, (I'm going to vent here) people need to learn theatre ettiquette and shut off their damn cell phones and iPhones! The girl to my right had shut her ringer off and had it in her bag but the phone was blinking through the last quarter of the first half and it lit up the bag. Then the woman to my left had her iPhone on DURING the second half...again it didn't ring but it did light up. And we were in the front row. HELLO!

Okay, I'm done venting. The show was great, not that I have a lot to go on with other versions, but I generally love everything about the Guthrie.

Oooo...and Cate: I saw they are bringing back Jane Eyre for another month (in March), just in case you want to go again. (Just kidding!)

Got my fix

Okay this is going to be quick because I'm in the hallway at my lodging place and right by the outside door so it's freakin' cold. If only they had internet in the rooms, but at least this is something, right?

Today was awesome, even though I woke up at 3:11 this morning, tossed and turned for 2 hours and finally decided to get up. Then I checked email, putzed around and finally dried the dishes and packed my bag to head on the road. It's not that I was dreading coming to the cities but waking 2 hours earlier than planned kind of sucked so it took a little bit for me to awaken.

My two-hour massage with Keith was painful, laughable, and so awesome. He does deep tissue although he's gone deeper on earlier massages. I told him my muscles were on the verge of atrophy so I just needed him to kick start them so I can really start running this week. I've been inspired from The Movie and can't wait to get back running. Tomorrow is supposed to be 39 here so I'm hoping to get outside even. YAY!

Then, I got my fix. I got to see my gay boyfriends. This was so fun. I love these guys. They make me so happy and it's always fun to see them. I helped one pick out new eyeglass frames and then we and Debbie all huddled together at Wilde Roast for some conversation and fun. *sigh* Life is good and like I said, I got my fix so now I feel normal again.

The rest of the evening was awesome, spending time with Debbie and John and just kicking back for awhile. Tomorrow: bring on Ikea! and my quest for Diet Coke with Splenda before heading to the Guthrie. It'll be great.

Looking in the crystal ball

This will be me and Debbie this weekend. Beware Twin Cities!
(My apologies to the true owner of this pic. Thank you for letting me borrow it but I can't find where my link is that brought me to this.)

TGFTW*

This has been one of those weeks - low energy, waving emotions, low motivation, and just plain blahness. So truly *thank God for the weekend.

This weekend I get to go to the cities and get a 2-hour massage from the fabulous Keith! YAY! I can't wait. My friends at work don't understand my fascination of 2-hour massages, but then again they don't like being touched in general. :)

After a deep rubdown I get to meet up with 3 of my favorite people - Debbie and our two boy-friends. One who is joining us tomorrow is a surprise bonus but a great one. I can't wait to reconnect with my gay boyfriends and superhero friend. This will probably be the bestest part of the weekend.

The rest of my plans are up in the air, kind of. There are places I like to go to when I'm there - the Guthrie (natch), Patina, Ikea (I'm totally buying my chairs this weekend - at least 2 so I can eat at my table), Leeann Chin, and of course Chipotle.

I'm also toying with trying to get into Juut or someplace like that. Thanks for the suggestion, Cate! I really need to do something with my hair and I'd like to do it soon so I can play with it a little bit before my conference in February. A girl I work with cut her hair short again and pulls it into a ponytail for work (we have to keep it off our collars) and it looks like she's a little girl. So I need something professional, but not too short, but easy to manage and style, and if necessary easy to pull back into a bun so it's off my collar for work.

All in all, I'm really excited for this weekend. I really need to get away from here. It's been awhile since I've been back to the cities (wow, just over a month - gee Moe can't you stand being away?) and I need some culture, something not John Deere related.

Fingers, Running

Back in my younger days I had occasion to listen to country music. It didn't happen often but there was one song I always liked. Do you remember the song Daddy's Hands? Well, I would often look at my Dad's hands as I grew up. He was a carpenter and did amazing things. But in the winter when he would come home from work his fingers were yellow-white from being so cold. It scared me to see his hands like that but he always reassured me that they were fine.

I know now that he had frostbite most of the time. Tonight after coming out of the movie, which I'll talk about in a moment, I drove home (wearing gloves, mind you) and when I headed to my apartment I took off my glove and my middle and ring fingers on my right hand were that same yellow-white. They felt like ice. it sucked. But I guess instead of having Daddy's Hands I have Father's Fingers. Hahaha.

Okay...so the important thing here: tonight I went to see Spirit of the Marathon. It was a one time showing at a theatre here in town (which surprised me since we usually never get cool stuff like this). Anyway, I went by myself and sat alone in the top row watching all the runners walk in through the door and take their seats.

First, it was pretty surreal since maybe 3 people in the theatre had popcorn, maybe another 5-10 had drinks. Everyone else was fine. One guy said, "I bet they don't sell many snacks at this event tonight." Very true. I didn't even drink my entire soda.

The other oddity was how loud it was before the movie. I've vented about movie experiences before with the chewing noises and chomping and blah blah...but this was loud in that everyone was talking to each other about previous races, upcoming races, current training, hi how are you, wanna run tomorrow, are you excited for this...yada, yada, yada.

I felt very out of place. These were true runners who all knew each other. These were the hard core people I see out on the streets even now when it's -27 wind chill on a weekday morning or running in shorts when it's 20 degrees out. This isn't me. I'm not a runner. I'm a jogger and I wondered if I really belonged here.

Then a group showed up with a lot of people and I graciously gave up my prize seat (direct, middle, back/upper row) so they could all sit together and I ended up sitting next to...(figures)...a Boston Qualifier.

Shit. Fcuk. I don't belong here. She was polite and asked if I was a runner and I said I'm new to the sport and ran my first marathon last year but didn't finish well so I need to run it again. She asked which one (of course) and when I said TC she understood. She did help ease my tension by telling me that most everyone she has talked to finished about 50 minutes or so slower than their normal pace. And that would be about accurate for what my goal and plan was, and I think same for E and JB. So that was nice. Of course then she started talking to her friend and revealed she was a qualifier. I felt very fat and sluggish at that moment.

But the movie...OMG the movie - if you've never ran or if you've ran thousands of races, this is such an inspiring movie. It was so great to follow elite runners as well as novices as they prepped for Chicago. Deena Kastor won that year (I think this was 2006) and following her story was amazing. If only I had that kind of time (and a massage therapist as a husband) to help me through. I could kick ass at any race. One favorite moment at the end a tag line came up and said that in the time it took to watch the movie the elite runners would be at mile 20 in a marathon. Great...

So now I'm realizing I really need to get going for Brookings. That's coming up way too soon but this was good for me to see to get me motivated. I figure I'll go to this in March to keep me motivated.

And thank God for my iPod shuffle since it's looking like I won't have a running buddy this year with deployments and schedules and God knows what else. So I'm completely on my own. But isn't that really what happens in a race [life] anyway? Might as well train for it.

I'm such a class act...not

Tonight's Genesis class was fun. Of course, I was the youngest person there by at least 15 years (to one person) and probably at least 30 to everyone else. Oh well.

Tonight we talked about Cain and Abel. Somehow we got onto predestination, which just started to annoy me so when we finally got back on task I asked, "Who was Cain really mad at?" I thought it was a simple question with a simple answer but that took 20 minutes for them to discuss. But it did give me time to do some more thinking about a thought that I didn't dare bring up for fear of being thrown out by the Q-tips.

Let's start with the facts we have:

• Abel was in high regard with God for his offering of the firstlings of his flock.
• Cain was not in high regard and was angry.
• God told Cain to suck it up, because if Cain would do well then he would be accepted
• Cain plays his own version of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and kills Abel.
• Blood is sacred to God for it is life.
  

So my question is this: If Cain wanted to do well to be held in "high regard with God", and Abel was the epitome of "high regard with God" for his offering of a sacrifice of a lamb, could Cain be trying to win favor with God by offering Abel (the favored) as his own sacrifice/offering to God?

Then the group got on to the whole Land of Nod (Wandering) thing and where did these women come from that Cain 'knew'? I never understand why this is a question. Creation wasn't just the Garden of Eden - God created everything, but within that creation set aside one place that was pure with pure individuals who were holy. That didn't mean God stopped creating everywhere else, or that the garden encompassed the whole world.

Anyway...we finally moved on to chapter 6 (basically skipping the genealogy in 5 but I think I'll be bringing us back there next week, just for fun) but we ran out of time so we couldn't dive into Noah and the ark.

I'm liking this. It's fun to be back in an "academic" setting. I probably shouldn't put that in quotes since everywhere is an academic setting, right? You bet. Maybe I need to start reading my OT books again (if I can find them in my storage) and I could lead the class instead of Ole. Or we could team teach. ... yeah, right.

It's time to fess up

Okay internet pals, I need someone to take claim on this: who is sending me Entertainment Weekly?

Today I received the 2nd issue and I haven't ordered this since I lived in my college town so I'm confused why I'm getting it. Did someone gift it to me? Please fess up so I can thank you properly!

What a day - it was insanely busy at work today. I would love to vent about some of the issues but I can't so I won't. Basically having 4 days off is nice, but coming back to a whirlwind of tasks was a bit much.

So tonight I'm going to venture back to my roots, all of our roots actually. The church I frequent is having an adult ed class tonight on the Themes in Genesis and tonight is 4-11 (chapters, not hours or verses). I must have missed 1-3 but that's just the creation story so that's no fun anyway. :)

What is really fun is the fact I'll be back in a class with Ole who encouraged me to go to Seminary for years before I gave in, and I haven't delved into my OT background since, well, I graduated. Wow, it's been almost 4 years now, so maybe it's time. Should be fun!

Thank you, Internet

I haven't slept well the last few days. I've been trying to get my sleep schedule back on track which always gets off with long weekends but it hasn't been working. I got maybe 5 hours last night, waking up at 4:30 this morning - wide awake and no way I'll be able to get some sleep. This is more than interesting since I've been going to bed around 10 or 11 and not getting up til 8. Oh well...at least I shouldn't be late for work today.

I've been taking my time getting ready this morning. I could have gone to Dunn Bros, I guess, and had a Chai but I'm not really in the mood this morning (figures, the mornings I want it I don't have time, and days like today when I have oodles of time I don't want it). And then to add to my lack of sleep, I accidentally got lens cleaner in my right eye this morning so contacts are not an option today. My eye is red and painful. I tried to rinse it out with water (according to the directions) but that just made it burn more. So I'm just trying to generate some tears to rinse it out naturally.

What a great way to start the day, huh?

Then I logged on and hit Stumble.

THIS was the page that opened. Thank you, Internet. I needed that.

If you click here you can go to the main page. This is actually a cool movement that's been going on for awhile. I had forgotten about it but had first read about it at Andrea's page here and here. Pretty cool.

And remember, you are too.

It's not easy being green.

Boy, Kermit was right.

It's been awhile since I've been on my soapbox about Envirosax bags and such. Wait! Come back! I'm not going to talk about that today.

Today I'm going to make a plug for better laundry. I have a Johnny Dangerously quote in my head but I'll let that go for now. Back to laundry.

I do a lot of laundry. I have basically three sets of clothes I wear most days of the week: uniform, workout clothes, and generally fun clothes to wear. So laundry is a hefty chore. For a long time I was using Woolite, because I wear a lot of black and dark clothes so I want to keep them dark.

Well, my budget isn't cut out for that, plus the plastic bottles all the time started to weigh heavily on my brain. A few months ago I found these: Dropps.

These are great. You drop one in with your laundry and wash as normal. There is very little waste because the plastic the liquid is in dissolves in the wash. They are enzyme-free and gentler on clothes and I love that you don't have to measure anything. Plus they travel well.

The bad thing is, they aren't available everywhere. I bought mine on my last visit to the Cities but I had just purchased Arm&Hammer detergent because I was out so I haven't used them as much as I would like. You can buy them online here (and get a mail-in rebate!) if you don't live in a Dropps area.

Seriously, this is as exciting to me as the Envirosax bags. I suck at saving the environment but at least I can try to do a little.

OH! And did I mention you probably won't need fabric softener or dryer sheets either? And they are safe for kids clothes? And they work really well in cold water which is also better for the environment? Suh-weet. Bonus.

Shuffle me senseless

I hate treadmills. I think I've mentioned this before. They don't take you anywhere and the gym where I work out is infested by men who like to watch the outdoor channel where supposed hunting experts dissect a recent kill and talk about how great it was completed even if it was essentially torture to the poor buck in the process. (Have I told this story?) (And I'm not against hunting, just the glorification of it on this particular story.)

Anyway, I am in desperate need of training for the May marathon I signed up to run. I needed a goal and so I stupidly signed up and then Mother Nature decided that last winter was too warm for us to enjoy and decided to throw some serious cold our way (and I hate running outside in the cold even more than the treadmill).

I decided I needed to do something about it. I have been wanting an iPod shuffle since before they were even released. But paying $80 for a tiny music player always seemed a little off for my finances. Well, in searching I found that Apple offers refurbished iPod's (varying types) for a cheaper rate. $50 vs. $80. Yeah, I can do that. So I ordered one just like the one up above and I got it today.

Songs loaded: 14
I have some work to do on that, huh? It'll be primarily used for running so I need some upbeat stuff so I'll have to sort through my music first. I can't wait!

Reality Check

So I've been watching TLCs special Miss America: Reality Check. They are trying to bring Miss America into the 21st century, is what they are saying.

What kills me about this show is that there are celebrity guest judges who are, to me, close-minded. There's the Army girl on there who isn't into fashion or makeup so they tell her to do more. So she does more and they get pissed because they think she's making fun of it. They gave the all the girls an opportunity to have hair and makeup makeovers by big name people. One girl politely declined to have her hair cut and the judges got all pissed because they "flew in expert advice and she denied it". But because she still took some of the advice on her own and took excellent pictures they were okay with it.

So makes me a little annoyed is they are trying to bring girls into the 21st century but it's their ideal of what the 21st century woman would be. To me that means a strong, confident, leader who stands up for what she believes in and is herself. To me that's these two girls - the Army girl who has fun and is strong and confident in herself despite the lack of makeup and fashion sense; the woman who stood strong in what she believed herself to be and thereby denied 'expert' makeup and fashion sense because she was okay with who she is.

I will say I was happy that they did encourage the girls to drop the 40-year-old look as Miss America and brought it down to who women are at that age.

But what the hell do I know. I relate pretty well to the Army girl - I don't know shit about hair and make-up other than it needs to be off the collar and conservative. Maybe a makeover would do me some good.

Horoscope

You don't need to do anything out of the ordinary today except believe in yourself, no matter what you face on the road ahead. This is not a guarantee of success; it's merely your ticket of entry. Your journey this year will teach you how to be more practical than ever before. Self-confidence is a good start, but you'll still have to apply yourself to succeed.

Mucho better

Like I told Karen, I'm much more productive on Sundays for some reason. I'm not sure why, but when I can get my ass out of bed and get going in the morning I do really well.

Today I did 3 loads of laundry, swept and vacuumed the apartment, cleaned up a lot of crap (i.e. moved it to my storage area), did a little dusting, hung 4 posters (I'm waiting on one more and then I'll post my accomplishments with those), and made cookies.

*sigh* I'm feeling good. I really like when I can get things done. Hopefully tomorrow will go as well.

For now, I need some help. I have long hair which I've talked about once before. Well, I know it's partially the current weather, but my hair is really, really dry. Any tips?

And I'm kind of sick of the length. I also know I should post pictures but I can't bear to take pictures just yet. I'm thinking of sending them to Whoorl for Hair Thursdays but I'm not sure I can wait that long.

Does anyone have any suggestions? My hair is super straight, past my shoulders and most days I have it either in a make-shift bun or pulled back braided so it stays out of my face. I've thought about bangs but they can't be too long or too short (since I'll look like an idiot then).

If I feel up to it maybe I'll take a pic tomorrow...no promises though.

So much for Saturday

I had all these big plans for today. I was going to get up early, go to Dunn Bros and study til 2 or 3, then go grocery shopping and run a couple errands since I was already out. Tonight I was going to make my chicken/spaghetti thing I made the other night with Tre and study some more. I wanted to go to bed early and try to set my inner sleep clock back.

Well, I did get up at 8, and I did go down to the apartment office to pick up a package that had been left there for me the other day. But after that, well...I didn't do much of anything. I suck.

I did finish watching all of Six Feet Under (K&E it'll be in the mail Tuesday for you). Man, I love that show. I'm so glad I bought the series. Besides the cute box with the fake grass on top, it's just so incredible. I can't even describe it.

But that pretty much killed me emotionally so now I'm watching/listening to Hairspray. And I did start my PIF #2.

So tomorrow I HAVE to get some things accomplished. Not only do I have to have to study, but I really need to do laundry. I'm left with only my icky underwear in my drawer. And my kitchen is a mess, which sucks because I was in the mood to make cookies tonight (especially after Ruth had made them for Anthony and Durrell in SFU) but it was such a mess and I was an emotional mess so I couldn't even muster the energy to clean it up so I could bake cookies.

Wish me luck!

Lamenting

I really don't like the cold. Nor do I like when my bosses are gone. The two really aren't related, not even by marriage, they just are both affecting me today and I'm not quite as chipper as I usually am.

The cold is just annoying. It's 0 degrees right now and it has been this most of the day. The wind is bitter and I just like the warmth. So I'm curled up in a blanket I got for Christmas and really wanting to take a nap.

My boss was out today and when he's gone the energy level in our corner drops dramatically. The area is super quiet which is not conducive for me to work. I need some noise and today my music selections weren't working. I should have gone to the gym and ran, sweating out some of the evil and getting my energy back up. But I didn't because that would have required me to walk outside. Ugh.

I miss spring. I love when the weather starts changing and things start growing; when you can walk outside and smell the dirt as grass and plants start to merge their way out. You smell the newness of life. The cold just seems, well, cold and frozen like the world is stopped in time and only the bestest of miracles could warm the earth again.

It probably doesn't help that friends are in Hawaii and I didn't get to go. I need sun.

I'm not good with titles

So today was uneventful, quiet, awesome, exciting, super fun and exhausting. In that order.

My day started uneventful and really quiet. Literally quiet. It was so quiet in my office I could almost hear my boss in his office breathing. Ugh.

But at noon I was a rockstar. I left at 11:26, picked up toner at our toner place, went to BK for lunch for the Snoopy toys, then to the PO Annex to pick up my package from the awesome Bethany Actually, went to the grocery store to pick up tomatoes/dressing/lettuce for supper tonight, and dropped it all off at my apartment. The time: 11:58. Holy crap, I rock.

The afternoon was exciting. Due to some staffing issues coming up in my old section over the next few months, the current supervisor who is full-time has asked for my help with our newsletter. I'm so excited for this because I have really missed working on the paper. It'll be a lot fun I think.

Tonight I had Christmas with Tre. She is so awesome and got me a new pie pan, pie server and a round cake carrier which the pie pan will fit. It's not really a pan - it's kind of like pottery (I know there's a word for that but I can't think of it right now). I got her a Slanket and Envirosax (yes I'm giving them to everyone I know).

And now I'm exhausted and going to go to bed. My hope is to make it to Dunn Bros in the am to get a vanilla chai latte for work. I'm thinking it might be my Friday thing now. We'll see.

I did want to address one thing. My post yesterday regarding my pot stirring wasn't very well written. It kind of made me off to be this snotty little bitch going behind people's backs and fixing their work. And while that is kind of true, I don't normally do this (I just want to help!) and there is a lot more to this story.

The woman who normally does this has been doing it for years and it's never ever changed format (except to get bigger). And it's not all her fault because people who submit items don't give her a suspense date to take it out. And so she just leaves them in until someone calls or she notices that it's out of date. And people would send her flyers to put in with upcoming events but still put them in our distribution boxes as well. So the bulletin would be printed with lots of pages, including the flyers that everyone had already received. Kind of a waste of paper if you ask me.

(Oh and don't get me started on all the copies of the draft that would get printed and then the final copy that would also be printed two days later with nary a change to it but the drafts would be recycled for the final version and paper wasted there. And don't even think about asking me about how many were being printed in the final form and distributed plus all those still printed later because there were too many given out in one area but not enough in the others. Yeah, don't start me on this.)

Over the past few months there's always been talk to make it smaller and "Yeah, I'll talk to her about it." or "I'll talk to her supervisor and get him to have her change it." That hasn't happened. It's kind of a touchy thing because if this gets changed or moved from her job (back to me where it originated years ago - my office, not me) then what will she do for work? Well, in my head she has work to do, this is an additional duty kind of thing, but I'm not her supervisor.

And then there's the inevitable downsizing of the content which I tried to do earlier this month for the January issue and when I asked people to cut things out that had been printed since the last time I helped with the bulletin, I was told it had to be there for reference material (I thought we had a web page for this stuff but whatever). And the constant complaints about it to me or the insinuations that it needs to be fixed but no one would step up finally broke my back. And so I did.

Like I said, I fear a freak coming on next week, but hopefully we'll figure it out somehow. Maybe I'll offer to take it on or I'll talk to her supervisor and see what his thoughts are first. I don't know.

Anyway, I just didn't want you to think I was a bitch for doing this. I just got tired of all the talk and no action.

Good day

Sometimes it seems like I have nothing exciting to say anymore, but these few things here make me very happy so I'm going to keep writing. :)

Cate - how I made it in and out of Target without losing myself was simple: I went straight in, picked up my shredder, paid and walked out. Well, no, I did check out the Global Bazaar and check prices on a couple things but it was cold outside and I just wanted to get home. Normally, I go in with a plan to buy one thing and an hour and a half later I have a cart full of things. I've started investing in Target. I might as well make some money off them since they have most of mine already.

Pot Stirring - well, my pot stirring went well (so far). What I did was this: I've been covering for a woman who has been out on sick leave for awhile. Each month we do a bulletin with information. However, over the past several months during our monthly meeting people have kept saying that the bulletin needs to be downsized. With the information, flyers, etc. it had gotten up to 41 pages (so 21 front and back). The kicker is that most of the updated information needed each month got buried in the middle pages and a lot of the repeat info was being glossed over. And the other problem was that so many copies were being made and not utilized it became a waste of paper and resources.

So what I did was to revamp the whole bulletin. Boss #2 had sent me a different template that others use and last week he, LH and I had this long ass discussion about fixing our bulletin to look more like this other template or something better than what we had. So I did. I revamped the whole bulletin, shifted the new and important info to the first 4 pages and the rest is now called Reference Information. Total - 10 pages (5 printed front and back). Can you believe this? I showed it to Boss #1 who loved it and who took it to the other woman's boss to clear it. That happened yesterday. Boss #1 came back today and said the improved bulletin will now be the new bulletin. But I'll need to do some training when she returns.

The only problem is that when the woman comes back who normally does this, well, I fear a freak coming on. I kind of wish that this whole thing would come back to my office, where it used to be a long time ago. But that probably won't happen.

Friends - Today I got to have lunch with one of my dear friends whom I haven't seen since September. It was so much fun catching up with her and reigniting our friendship. We've already set our next lunch date next month. YAY!

Today's Horoscope

Stabilizing your life now sounds like a good idea, but you may not have the patience to do what is necessary. You could make plans in the morning, only to revise them by midday. Don't be hard on yourself if you lack follow-through today; allow your imagination to roam freely without having to make any one thing real.

What's funny is that I should be working on my file plan and filing papers this week, but I haven't started yet.

A simple post with great things

• I bought a shredder today! Let the meditativeness commence!
• I got to go to work today! WOOHOO! I love my job!
• I stirred the pot at work today, just call me a Pot Stirrer. We'll see if anything comes from it. (This is a bit of a long story...but for the betterment of the Earth - less paper waste, tis my goal).
• I ran all my errands today - to include buying more yarn, going to Target, and getting groceries - in the space of an hour. And that includes driving time. I rock.
• One year ago today I was getting settled in my new apartment (which seems to be a bit cold tonight, not sure why).
• I hung one of my 5 new paintings [re: posters framed] yesterday. 4 more to go!
• I'm now watching season 5 of Six Feet Under. This is a happy note and a sad one for the series will be over soon. BUT I love this show and will totally be watching this all over again.
• And the best thing of all: I get to go back to work tomorrow!
  

Singing with the O'Jays

Money money money Mo-ney...MONEY!

I've been meeting with a financial advisor as of late. This is a good thing since I'm no spring chicken...though I'm not really old either and I'm not completely inept with money. Anyway, I've been re-evaluating how I distribute my money and funds and Anthony has been helping a lot. It's great. I'm excited.

My hope is that someday I'll have a house, with a big kitchen, much like the Snake Charmer's Wife's kitchen. I love hers. I'm so jealous. I sit and look at toy catalogs (e.g. Crate&Barrel, Williams Sonoma, etc.) and pick out the things I "need", wishing I could get them now but knowing I should wait. Of course, to get the kitchen I want I'll be waiting for a few more years, so I might buy one or two of the toys before then. :)

Little by little my life is coming together (not that it was completely in pieces, but you know). I was thinking today about a conversation I had with a couple girls a few weeks back. One is 30 and has been married for 7 years already (no kids yet), we'll call her J1. The other is early early 20's, we'll call her J2, and was giving J1 a little bit o' crap about not having kids yet. I, on the other (more worldly) had said there's nothing wrong with them waiting. It's not like J1 is ancient yet. So then J2 turns it on me, "Are you dating anyone? Are you going to get married? Do you even want to?"

Ugh. It's bad enough I get this from my parent/family, but to get it from a wide eyed 20 something drives me nuts. So I told her that I'm not in a hurry to get married or even date, I'm not past my prime to do either and I might not even have kids. She was flabbergasted. How could someone not want kids? How could someone not want to be with someone else? Don't you get lonely?

That's the fear, isn't it? Being lonely. I am alone at times, but I also know I have awesome families - both natural and urban, kick-ass friends, and a great life. Yes, being with someone adds to it, but if it doesn't happen today, or tomorrow or this year, I'm not going to fall to pieces. Wait, how did FedEx Nick put it? "I'm alone, but I'm not lonely." That seems right. And if you are lonely, how is that really going to help you find someone to spend your life with? It seems desperate. I don't feel desperate to be with someone. I'm just me.

Yep, I'm just me. And will be a rich me, thanks to Anthony. Bwahahaha!

Maybe there is something good here

So I know a lot of people would think I'm odd to like staying at home on weekends. Today I spent most of the day knitting or sorting through papers while watching Six Feet Under.

But then I realized, that if I stay home knitting and sorting through papers while watching Six Feet Under, I'm not out spending money and maybe for once my budget for my credit card each month will actually stay under my limit. That is one of my other goals for the year - besides all the rest - but maybe that's part of my intention to purge myself of excess...my credit card has been used to excess and to purchase excess. Maybe this is a good start.

I do wish I lived somewhere warmer so I could go running outside. Yes, I know I could go running outside anyway, but I hate running in cold weather and I really hate treadmills. But I have to get on the treadmill tomorrow. I have to!

Let's try this again

It seems with my last post that I've already messed up my Mondo Beyond intentions for the year. My first one said, "My intention is to focus on the positive thoughts and things in life by looking for the good in situations instead of the bad." And what did I do instead? Hell, that was a messed up post.

So I'm going to try this again. My life has been very blessed. My time, however short, with my Dad was incredible. We were pretty close and I learned about his life. He influenced me in so many ways. A big reason I went into the military was for him. I didn't go active duty because he advised me not to, and I didn't wait until after college to join, but I think he'd still be proud of me.

I'm continuing to work on my PIF gifts. I'm also continuing to watch Six Feet Under - it's such an awesome show and such a reminder how short life is. Life each day to the fullest...at least enjoy every moment.

Saying goodbye

Today was the funeral for my friend's father. Sometimes life sucks when death becomes apparent.

The funeral was nice. It was a little funny at a point when the pastor explained that his daughter-in-law was the youngest daughter of the deceased. It all clicked for me - the pastor, the pianist, J's hubby - all related. I had met the pianist at Sarah's church when I was visiting, so it was odd to put it all together.

Anyway, Anthony and I were talking afterward and after our co-worker left he looked at me and he said, "It's weird to find out what you went through this way. It sucks." Oh it did suck because so many emotions came flooding back with Dad.

I remember saying to Anthony at our after-funeral-party for Dad, "You just wanted to get out of school." When he said that no, he really wanted to be there, I felt horrible for accusing him of that.

I remember being at the cemetery and the whole family standing in a circle with our arms around each other, laughing and crying at the same time because Dad would have hated it - us making a fuss over him as we were.

I remember sitting with Mom and Lisa talking after the funeral and Mom telling us to pick what we wanted to remember them by right then. Lisa claimed the family pic. I claimed the clock (and mom said, "I thought you'd want the piano." I said, "I thought that was a given.")

I remember being at the funeral home making the decisions that no one thinks they'll have to do for their father when they are only 19 - picking out a casket, picking out hymns, trying to decide about casketbearers...ugh.

I remember that whole freaking weekend - the crying, the stress, the wishing, the hoping, the praying, the lamenting, the decisions we had to make, the total shit of it all.

The beauty of it was that at least I was able to take time to say good bye...sort of. You don't say goodbye when you hope that they will recover. But somehow I knew. I was crying like there was no tomorrow (and in some ways that was true) and Dad, always the caregiver, said, "It'll be okay, honey."

I don't know...sometimes funerals just suck. I believe that we'll all meet again, but the in-between times...well, sometimes they just suck.

12:01

Sometimes flipping channels can be a good thing. I was just doing this and stumbled upon the SciFi channel, which I never watch, but one of my favorite movies is on!

My dad and I were watching some stupid tv show one Saturday and started watching this movie, 12:01, and I totally fell in love with it. Of course it helps that it has Jonathan Silverman and Jeremy Piven in it.

It's great and if you can ever find a copy of it, watch it. It's like Groundhog Day but better. I'm going to go do that now.

Where will I go?

Again the fabulous Andrea inspires others with the continuation of Mondo Beyondo. This portion is where we look forward into 2008 and beyond (get it?). Her first suggestions are to declare what you want to draw into your life. And I agree she's right when she says the difference here exists in language. Instead of "I won't" or "I'm giving up...", things become "I intend to". I really like this way of thinking and so here I go.

• My intention is to focus on the positive thoughts and things in life by looking for the good in situations instead of the bad.
• My intention is to finish all my online training and testing for work by end of March (with the first major test to be completed by the end of January).
• My intention is to complete my PIF promises NLT May.
• My intention is to knit at night while I watch TV instead of eating or slumming.
• My intention is to purchase chairs for my table and eat dinner at the table each night instead of on the couch. I deserve to have a good meal eaten upright at a table with real plates, napkins, silverware, even if I'm single and eating alone.
• My intention is to buy myself flowers more often - joy!
• My intention is to purge my life, a little at a time, of excess: papers, pounds, clothes, stuff until I feel lighter and freer or by October, whichever comes first.
• My intention is to try new foods that are healthier for me and add back in the healthier foods I used to eat on a regular basis.
• My intention is to run two marathons (and other races) for sure under six hours, hopefully under 5.
• My intention is to give more than I receive.
  
  My one thing with this is that I feel like I should reevaluate these in 6 months and see if I have accomplished what I wanted to by that time and what I need to refocus on for the rest of the year. Things change so rapidly anymore that it seems 6 months is as far out as I dare to go right now.

But then I come to the next part of Mondo Beyondo, which is to write things "you are wanting to manifest that are almost too scary to even write down." This is scary to think about because as a youth woman person you're are told that you can't do things, that it won't happen, or that you're not good enough (or that you're not quite good enough). And these could be accomplished in this year or in 5 or 10 or 50. It's good to look forward and dream big, as they say. So...

• Write a book and find a publisher. I've been toying with this since high school, maybe it's time to think more seriously about it.
• Begin an etsy shop with knitting projects and that other project I haven't told anyone about but really want to do.
• Get commissioned and achieve the rank of Colonel (Lt or Full).
• Get the training needed to be combat camera trained and get back up in the F-16 to take photos.
• Get better training in photography and look into finding a class or training.
• Learn to fly.

How about you?

Despite all this, I still love it

I feel like I can't quite get a grasp on things right now. The ironic thing is a year ago I was feeling the same thing as I started this job. It's pretty funny, if you think about it.

The last couple days I've been working on the file plan at work. Yes, folks, I not only need to get organized at home, but also at work. We're required by regulations to have a file plan, and it has to follow all these fun rules and format. The one for my office was last looked at in 2003, so it's in need of a tiny bit of updating. Of course when I say "tiny" I am referring to the same "tiny" as the guy who has the nickname "Tiny".

It kind of sucks because since it hasn't been looked at in so long there are a lot of things that have changed. And I have taken on a lot more than my predecessor in responsibilities which I now I have to log as well. So what I was hoping would have been finished up tomorrow afternoon is really just getting started.

But, the weirder thing is that I am actually excited to get this set up so I understand it and can utilize it well. I have so many piles of things laying around, and if I can get my files set up and usable that will alleviate a little stress there (and maybe give me some good ideas how to set up my file plan at home). [See, I really do love my job - even the filing!]

I had promised Mondo Beyondo today, but that'll have to wait until tomorrow since I started the post there, was interrupted several times and forgot to send it home. Stop back tomorrow and I promise we'll continue the journey.

And if you have a moment, please send up some prayers for my friend Anthony and his siblings. Their father, Ed, died suddenly and unexpectedly Tuesday night. Ed was the same age my Dad was when he died.

Already written far better than I ever could

I was going to blog something profound (not) tonight (Mondo Beyondo continues tomorrow), but I think TS has a better blog that you should read instead. I found TS via ericjay a few weeks ago. If you have a chance, this is an interesting blog, a different look at things we may not think about all the time.

Anyway...go HERE and read this awesome post (and the links). And one other request, whatever your thoughts are regarding this war, please remember those who serve and their families. Thanks.

Sleepy

Today I wish I was a celebrity. My only reason for this is so I would have a personal trainer who would pull me to the gym and a personal chef who would feed me better food than I ate today.

I was a busy day today. I got stuck in the middle of a few different situations which drove me insane. I stupidly stayed in and ate lunch at my desk instead of working out (thinking I'd get to the gym at the end of the day) and I didn't. The end of the day proved busier than the beginning and I didn't get out of work until almost 6:45. Now I'm tired and I'm going to bed. Tomorrow is going to be even busier.

But lest you forget, I love my job. :)

Anniversary

Today I have officially been at my fabulous job for one year. I cannot believe how time has flown. K and I were talking about this last night. It's freaky to think that a year ago I left my job and started all anew. It's just crazy.

Despite being a blip in time, this past year was awesome and I'm so glad I took these steps. I love my job; my boss is awesome; my co-workers are great; and I finally feel like I have some purpose in this world.

Guilt

Have you ever felt guilty about something, so much so that it occasionally pops into your head and invades your thoughts to the point where you just want to pull your hair out so maybe you could sleep at night instead of thinking about it?

I get this every now and then. There's one incident from my youth that continues to pop into my head and I probably need a therapist for that (that and many other things...I do think about this K as you have advised me before...I really should). But this other thing drives me nuts and I think I need to cleanse my head of it. I'm hoping this forum will help because I don't think I'll be able to wash clothes again if I don't.

To the girl in the laundromat in Aberdeen sometime during my college years - somewhere between 1994 and 1996 because Ernie and Beans were there - I am extremely sorry I laughed at you for removing your clothes one at a time from the washer and folding it before putting it into the dryer. It was a different technique than any I had seen before and for whatever reason I found it extremely funny. I shouldn't have laughed, everyone has their own techniques. Please forgive me.

*sigh*

I hope this will help. I see her face everytime I take clothes out of the wash. I don't know why, I haven't thought about this in years, but I do feel horrible. I'm sure I do things that people think odd or weird and they laugh at me behind my back or in front of me. But I really hate that I did this to her. There was no reason and it was just stupid. I really am sorry that I did that.

It's an Epiphany!

Or it actually IS Epiphany. Well, both actually. Or neither. I'm confused.

I took down my tree and stockings* at work today. It's Epiphany so it's time to let Christmas go with the last year, right? Well, I should take down my tree at home too, but I decided to have one more night of Christmas light goodness. Tomorrow the joy will come down, not only because Christmas is over, but I desperately need to put those boxes away so I can continue my de-cluttering.

Tonight was a great night. I got to chat with K&E as we continue our plans for my next visit with them in May. Apparently E thinks I'm a weekend woodworker like my brother and can help him build a deck. I best start reading up on that one (and maybe buy a better drill).

I'm just so excited to see them! I haven't seen them since October and I'm in desperate need of fun with my awesome friends.
They have the sweetest cat who loves me oh so much. He likes to curl up on my lap while I read and will sit there for hours. It's great. I can't wait.

*Hey former ID workers - anyone recognize the tree? I had to continue my tradition of making stockings for everyone in the office again. Miss you!

I need chai!

Today was another work day for us. It was good but busy. Yesterday afternoon I had looked at my schedule for today and thought it would have been pretty quiet, but somewhere along the line the shit hit the fan and it was crazy.

I think it started last night after I completed my "completing" Mondo Beyondo. I went to bed but somehow I had stirred up my thought process and kept thinking of things over and over again. At one point I called my work to leave a voice mail of things to talk about at roll call. And I woke up, unrested, thinking of about 6 more things. It was not a good way to end the night nor start the morning. And the Dunn Bros here doesn't open til 7 on the weekends so I couldn't ease my suffering with my vanilla chai as I did yesterday.

Thank you to those who have responded to my mondo beyondo yesterday. Your words are encouraging. I'm excited about looking at the year differently. I think there are more parts to this. I'm waiting for Andrea to post and I'll add the next steps here too.

Mondo Beyond via my Superhero

Bear with me a little here because this will hopefully be a introspective post.

The fabulous Andrea celebrates Mondo Beyondo instead of resolutions. I like this idea and so I'm going to try this this year. This section is completing. Here we go:

1. What do you want to acknowledge yourself for in regard to 2007?
I kept my promise to run the TC marathon. This was both a challenge of my courage and strength as well as a brave choice. I'm very proud of this (and now want to do better)! I also left my stifling, soul-sucking job (not truly but moments it felt like this) and began one that has fulfilled me and made me very happy, even in times of stress and struggle.

2. What is there to grieve about 2007?
One thing to grieve is Art. I do miss him. On a personal level: I'm disappointed in some of my emotional reactions to situations: one person said it's because I'm so passionate and compassionate, but in truth the emotions I showed were inappropriate and wrong. Scary was leaving my urban home to return to the land of flatness. Hard has been dealing with living so close to Mom and feeling smothered and not sure how to express those feelings to her without making her feel like it's all her fault or upsetting her. I'm not sure I can forgive myself yet for some of these and other things, but I am working on it.

3. What else do you need to say about the year to declare it complete?

I need to realize that while last year was an incredible year, I need to work hard to continue and improve. Things I screwed up, things I succeeded at – they are all in the past. This year starts anew. I can learn from my experiences, but that knowledge needs to guide me in my next steps.

I'm declaring 2007 complete! Of course, some of my issues still need to be said – I need to forgive myself but that will take a bit longer and maybe a post somewhere where no one reads it, despite Andrea's suggestion to share with others. I know if I stated things I'm thinking about that my friends would tell me to forgive myself, but that won't work in this case. I'll get there.

2008 is my year of cleansing: I want to declutter, depaper, declothe my storage and apartment space – throwing, recycling and goodwill-ing so I can feel (and be!) freer and more relaxed. I also want to cleanse my head of negative thoughts about myself. I know this may not ever completely happen, but I need to realize that while I most likely won't run a marathon in 3:15, I could run it in 5 and that's okay (the fact that I'm out there doing it is amazing and that needs be the driving force to push out the bad thoughts that sneak in); that I will never be 125 pounds, but I can get to 135 or 140 and this is doable if I focus and keep on task as I eat or not eat; and that while I'm single, this isn't a bad thing and I will meet someone when the time is right.

Tiny Steps

As opposed to Giant Steps.

Thank God for mothers - especially those who can sew. I ran up to mom's tonight with some groceries she asked me to pick up and she sewed on my patches and let me do a load of laundry. YAY!

I haven't purchased my shredder yet, but I have it on my list to get this weekend. I'm excited about it because I really do have half a box to shred. I did forget to add one thing to my list to do this year: Buy chairs for my table. I really do want to eat at my table this year. But I kind of liked my 8 plans for 08. oh well. make it nine - one to grow on, right?

One thing I must say: I am really glad that I've been back to work these past couple days. Routine is so much better for me. I'm sleeping better, I'm eating better, I'm excited about my days. My whole energy and mood levels have increased. It's great. YAY for work!

Sew what? I knit!

I had a flooding of memories of basic training flowing through my brain just moments ago. As you know, I was promoted recently. Normally as a little NCO I'd just swap out rank on the sleeves and hope people wouldn't notice the previous needle tracks (it's a little like a drug problem).

Well, since I'm now in that upper tier I thought I should order real uniforms from supply and have items professionally sewn on. It's not that I can't sew but I don't like it, so if I can avoid it, I do.

I picked up my new shirts today and everything was sewn on - yay! - everything except our unit patch. Shit. I had enough crap today from everyone telling me I was out of uniform and then when I put on the new shirt, sans unit patch, I still got crap. This led to me attempting to sew again.

Like I said, this isn't normally a problem. I can sew. I learned from both my mother and Mrs. Wiese - the ultimate Becky Home-Ec-y. But my problem lies in the minor fact that I don't have thread, only yarn. Yarn is durable but doesn't fit through that tiny little eye very well, nor does it last when you have to pull it apart to a single thread so it will fit through the tiny little eye.

Sew (haha!) I sort of tacked on one of my unit patches and then put double sided tape on the other side and ironed the hell out of it. PRAY that it stays at least a day or two. I talked with my mother - the other ultimate Becky Home-Ec-y who actually owns thread - and she's going to sew my other shirt and then we'll swap and she'll fix the ironed/taped one. Crossing fingers.

But the basic training memories flooded my senses as my nose was overloaded with the smell of "new shirt being ironed". Trust me, this has a smell and a memory, and neither are good. And I did wash the shirt, but the stench is still there. Hours of ironing, starching, tweaking, aligning flooded through my pores and I just wanted to scream. Thank goodness I've gotten pretty good at ironing a shirt so I didn't have to deal with it for very long.

• I have a vivid picture of Cynthia starching, ironing, and restarching and ironing an already starched and ironed uniform that she had just brought back from dry cleaning.
• I can see me and Speirs (or was it Spears) sitting on our cots on a rare down Saturday, t-shirts between binders, and tweezers at hand tweaking each piece of shirt so that it was all completely even across - then ironing it down again only to find one bit was just slightly off.
• I hear Tim coming up to me and asking me academic questions while we stood in line waiting for our flight's turn at chow and me being a smartass during it, for one because he was ever so dreamy and I had a huge crush on him, and for two because I just wanted to see if he would ever crack - I got him once...once. :)
  
• I remember standing door guard in the middle of the night, memorizing my lyrics for my upcoming recital (once I returned home), doing the tongue exercises in front of the mirror Dr. James insisted I continue since I wouldn't be singing on a daily basis, and getting caught by girls getting up in the middle of the night. "What the hell you doing, girl?" nevermind...
• I see SrA Cribb staring me down - he was my height - trying to intimidate me and all I could think was, "Dude, I'll be home in a month - give it a rest." And SrA Dunston - OMG - this man was hilarious...to imitate. Tim has him down to a T. "Nuh uh. Nuh uh." That was Dunston's key phrase.
  

So many memories...that was 11 years ago...and they are all so fresh and are alerted by the simple act of ironing a new shirt.

Resolutions?

A year ago I wrote this post. Of course I was dealing with a lot of stress with packing up my entire apartment, finding a new apartment, moving 4 hours away, finishing up my previous jobs details and doing it all in a week.
So I still haven't bought a shredder, I still haven't given to Goodwill (though I have set aside a lot of clothes to give once I can tag it all), and for whatever reason I'm still saving every shred of paper. Ugh.

So resolutions for this year:

• Buy the damn shredder
• Get rid of access - access anything: paper, clothes, stuff. Declutter your life! Give to Goodwill!
• Give to charities more than 2007
  
• Get an iPod shuffle for better running
• Run your 2nd and 3rd marathons - May and October respectively
• Knit blankets for Debbie
  
• Send PIF gifts and open it up again next year
• Smile and be happy - life is great and a gift. Enjoy it!