Stepping back

K - this is going to seem redundant...but I hear ya. And you're right as usual. I just need to figure out how to do it and find the courage you had to step forward. I may be scared as to what I discover.

I know I'm at the end of Mondo Beyondo, (though some would say this goes on forever) but I feel like i'm shifting through the lessons these days. The Lull lesson is still going on, but I also wonder if I shouldn't sit down and go back to week one where I wrote out my MB list. I'm not sure I was completely honest with myself during that one and I know I was distracted since we were blowing out sprinklers that night.

I just wonder if I'm being true to what my dreams and passion are. Not that I really know what these are but I'm not sure that they were even on the MB list to begin with.

MS and I had watched Dr. Oz together the other day with the show about sex and relationships. One of the first steps was to talk to each other for 10 minutes each day. So that night, though exhausted we were having trimmed trees all day, I asked him what he wished for (more as a joke initially because we have a very good relationship). He gave me his list, confident as he usually is. Then he asked me. Suddenly, for whatever reason, I was shy, teared up, and didn't know what to say. So as I am prone to do, I hemmed and hawed and then came up with my basics, one of which was to figure out my work. MS immediately said, "What do you want?"

That's the underlying and huge monkey on my shoulders - I don't know what I want. A friend of mine makes his decisions by stating what he doesn't want and then narrows it down, but that seems long and tedious when trying to plan my career. I just don't know where I fit, how I fit in anything. Sometimes I feel so stretched thin - a little bit of knowledge in a LOT of areas, versus a lot of knowledge in less areas that mesh together. It's a great trait, the former, when you're going to a small school and you have to participate or programs will die, but it doesn't help much on the outside when trying to focus on a career path. No wonder ADHD is prominent (not in me, but in the world in general).

So where do I start? I can't quit my job. I need the stability and it's not that I don't enjoy it, though pushing paper after awhile does tend to weigh on a person. I somehow need to figure out what I want to do within this company so I can keep my good retirement benefits and great hours and still be fulfilled. There's a possibility I can do this, but a few other stars need to align.

Which makes me wonder if I just need to be more patient and breathe a little deeper knowing that someday these stars will align and the opportunity will present itself and hopefully by that point I will be in the perfect place to step up and say, "I'm THE person for the job." Am I just stressing myself out because it's not happening RIGHT NOW during this Mondo Beyondo time like it seems to be for so many others? Am I just putting a bigger burden on myself? Maybe I did list my dream (not just one I listed because others have told me I should do it). Maybe I just need to realize that it's coming...just not at this moment.