Completed!

Okay, so I have officially completed yet another month of NaBloPoMo. Last year, if you recall, I blogged every single day. This year has been a little bit busier so I just did it this month. And I did it! A post (or two) every single day.


I'm really glad I did this. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to make it through or not, but I did it. Now I can go back to my regularly scheduled programming.

OR I can continue with NaBloPoMo and attempt the Mitzvah theme for next month. Hmmm, that's an idea.

One more sick day

MS is still sick, so this morning I ventured out so he could rest and went to church. It's the best season ever - Advent! YAY! I love me some Advent. All that waiting and preparing...it appeals to the list-maker in me.

So we watched a few more movies today. I finally got to see The Dark Knight and then we watched the, ick, Vikings game. It wasn't bad, and I do like football, but uffda.

MS seems to be getting worse instead of better though. I'm hoping this is just the darkest part before dawn and that he's better tomorrow. He's supposed to work but I'm a little hesitant about letting him go, but that's not really my decision. We'll see how he feels in the AM.

But for sure, tomorrow we're washing everything (or I am) and cleaning up some things that probably aren't helping to be lying around. Hopefully he'll get better soon.

And hopefully I won't catch anything. :)

Sicky

MS has been sick since Wednesday night so we spent the day vegging. I think he overdid things yesterday (in fact, he agreed and said I was right in not letting him do any of the mowing). But we crashed at 7 last night - well, he did, I crashed at 9 - and slept until 7 this morning.

It's good for him to step back for awhile. We've been vegging and then decorating for Christmas, then vegging some more, then decorating, then vegging, then Cribbage (where he still beat me, even being sick), and now back to vegging. I'm doing my best to play Florence Nightingale, but he's not getting better so it might be all for naught.

Anyway, it's been a nice day despite the phlegm. I like these kind of holiday days.

Firsts...and maybe never again

MS is a Black Friday shopper.

I am not.

But this year, I gave in and went along with him (partly because one of the items was a gift for me) and truthfully it wasn't too bad. Of course we only hit a couple stores.

We started at Target for a good deal. We got there about an hour before they opened and found the line to be formed about a block down, in front of the north entrance of Kohl's. I had been texting SBK because she was going to be there shopping. She said her sister and future SIL were at the front of the line of Target, so me being the tricky...I mean, SMART, one I texted Jess and she offered to pick up whatever I needed.

Hallelujah! So we worked out a plan where Jess and Cyn went in, MS followed and got a spot at the register (for the record he stayed in our original spot) and I stayed outside to provide moral support and cheer them on.

I will say this, Target was smart. They had carts lined up down and around the corner for about a quarter of a block and then had security personnel staged every.where. They were determined to keep the line jumpers out, and they did. It went really smooth - a single line - maybe two or three across and in the store they went.

After MS came out, 15 minutes after the doors opened (and we figured out we could have just stayed where we were and been okay, but we weren't sure) we headed to Menards. let's just say, I really dislike menard's. This was one of those, push and line jump kind of place and people filling their carts with blankets and slapping your hand if you mistakenly grab one (that was on me, in case you were wondering). I, however, had an armful and called it good.

Then, after a pit stop home to change my jeans because my DMD popped a hole while in my pocket at Menard's, we headed on a road trip to Cabela's to get MS a gun (Yes, E, we have guns here in SD).

Then, amazingly enough, we went BACK to Menard's to pick up a few things we missed, then to Wally World because we hadn't stopped there (stocked up on movies), then lunch, and then back to Target! Crazy we are.

But after that madness, we came back to MS's and mowed the lawn (another first - mowing on the 27th of November) and now we're vegging. The weather was perfect today, but MS is feeling a little icky so we're going to watch one of our new movies and relax.

I hope your Black Friday went well for you all. :) I'm proud to say, I survived.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I went to church last night to take a little break and try to remember the real reason behind this day instead of just turkey, parades and football. The pastor had a decent sermon, at least after she finished introducing herself and the program she works for.

Anyway, she said there are three questions we should ask ourselves on this day. The first, of course, is the one we all know: What are you thankful for? (Or, "For what are you thankful?")

The second and the third were new, though sometimes the second gets answered in the first: "To whom are you thankful?" and "How will you show your thanks to God for these things/people?" (and I would add, how will you show your thanks to those to whom you are thankful?)

It made me stop and think. She suggested we all take some quiet time today and really reflect on these because the act of thankfulness is doing something in return, such as giving thanks. Her example was the awesome thank-you notes we all grew up writing. You had to give thanks to those who have given in return.

So quickly, because I have a lot to do today, I'm giving thanks, thanks for MS, my family, K&E and Nika, all my friends whom I cannot name or this blog would go on forever, my health, my job, my home, my life.

Thank you to MS and my friends and extended family for allowing me to be a part of your lives. I love you all.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Uh oh

I used to always say that I can't bake unless I'm in the right mood. If I try to when I'm not then the cookies or whatever don't turn out right.

Today is no exception. I have a pumpkin pie in the oven, but I'm really not sure it's going to turn out. I may have to break down and buy one tomorrow AM (if there are any left). The pumpkin didn't get as smooth as I remember it from last time, but maybe (?) it'll work itself out. I don't know. I guess we'll see.

My banana bread sort of turned out...though we'll see how it does when we cut into it tomorrow.

I think all of this is because I just haven't been baking as much as I usually do, so I'm out of practice. I'm not sure how to fix that unless I start baking every time MS is at work. Hmmmm...

I'm really scared about attempting the turkey tomorrow. God help me. :)

Dreams

I had a weird dream last night.

MS and I were at a restaurant at a round table. I was sitting next to his mom, who was in much better health than I have ever seen her, and my mom was next to him. My mom (who will be Mom for the rest of this and PS for MS's mom) kept suggesting to PS different options for food.

What was funny is the menu had all these dinner options, but it was the full meal. Like you got a chicken thing with the potatoes and veggies but also the wine and dessert to go with it. Mom was suggesting to PS a meal but said she'd drink the wine for PS since she didn't like it. PS looked at me and MS and started laughing and said, "Hell, no. I like my wine." I've never seen her drink wine - only coffee or soda.

But then this tall woman came in with a green facial mask on - she was rubbing it in and i was jealous because I have wanted to do a mask for awhile. Anyway, she then turned to mom to talk then back to the table and it was all rubbed in. Anyway, she came off like she was MS's mom, but she wasn't. Tall, short hair, kind of Meryl Streep-ish look except with black hair - almost like Muffy T from LS for those who remember her.

Then I looked to my left and there was another big table of women, with one man whose back was to me but I could tell it was my former Uncle Robin. And all my cousins from my mom's sister were sitting there. Tanya had stood up and with a big look of surprise saw me and said, "Girls, Moe is over there!" And then Nicky looked over to me but squinted, like she couldn't get me in focus, and I squinted back at her, teasing her, and said, "Hi Nicole." And she just turned back to the table.

It was weird. And I'm not sure what to do with all of that.

It was especially weird after the night I had had. Mom FINALLY agreed to go pick out a paint color for her kitchen - which stems from a conversation from Ava's birthday when I asked her what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said she had never gotten her gift from last year. Which is a whole other story and this is already a long enough post as it is. (K - I know, I know - "t" "y".)

Anyway, we picked out the color and I sent her on her merry way and waited for MS so we could make sure we got the right kind of paint. I laid out over $130 for paint, primer and a few supplies that MS didn't have, joy of joys. So I called her to tell her we actually bought it and all she said was, "Ok. I didn't get your insurance check from you."

UGH! No thank you, no nothing. Just "I didn't get a check from you." Truthfully it kind of hurt.

Oh, blah blah blah. I'm so sick of it all. But that interaction (which was a lot more drawn out than that) wiped me out. I felt bad because I really wanted to enjoy the evening but it just kept flooding back and emotionally I was a sack of potatoes. So unfair to me and to MS.

Someday I'll figure this shit out and be able to push this crap aside. Someday.

Right?

Tired...

... oh so very tired today.

I'm thinking an early bedtime. So tired....


zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Chilly

I’ve been cold all day today. It’s Monday and I’m working which requires a different uniform. It’s complicated, but that’s okay. I probably could have gotten away with my normal clothes but I also had a funeral to go to, so the spiffier the dress, the better.

The funeral was nice, despite the circumstances. The woman who died was the wife of a former co-worker. She found out in February that she had cancer. It was quite progressive but she fought it hard and always kept her spirits about her. The priest said during the service that she had told them not to mourn her, do not weep, but instead celebrate her life. Fitting, then, that the school choir (where she worked) sang the Hallelujah Chorus at the end of the service. God bless you, Dody, and your family and friends. They loved you so.

Funerals always make me think about three things – one, Nicole and how young she was when she died; two, Dad, because he’s always present in my heart; and three, my funeral and how I would like it to be. This was a Catholic service, full mass, of course, but one of the readings was really was potent. It was from the Apocrypha, as I know it, from the book of Wisdom. (find text) I like that text and I’m thinking that if I die young and before my so-called “time” I would like my sister-in-law to read that. Then we can go into some OT verses and have some fun.

Yes, I’m a bit morbid and I plan out my funeral. I need to write it all down though so I know I get what I want. Some of my wishes probably won’t please some of my family, but it’s something to think about. Does your family know what you want? Have you thought about it? It’s kind of one of my fears, because when Dad died I know we didn’t really have a clue what he wanted – other than he wouldn’t have wanted all the fuss. But readings and hymns…all that we guessed on. I wish my mother would sit down and talk about it, but I fear if I bring it up she’ll come back with the, “Oh, you don’t want me around anymore” speech.

Done

I'm am finished with those things-that-shall-not-be-named. I have gone through the last of the ones I am going to go through. I have put those I'm keeping back in storage, I have 3 boxes of books to go through and sell, a box overflowing with empty binders and folders, and my floor can be seen again. Thank God.

So I'm a happier camper. I made cookies tonight to celebrate, and so MS can send some to his friend who is deployed. But I felt normal again. I have just a few NLPs of papers to go through and a bunch of empty boxes to put back in storage, but that's tomorrow night's plan.

Tonight - I'm going to rest and relax with my boy and enjoy a little freedom from those things-that-shall-not-be-named. :)

Taking a break

It's the middle of the afternoon on a Sunday. I didn't run today, though I did get all dressed and even headed outside...even running all of 20 feet. And then I realized that I just wasn't in the right mind frame. Yes, I could have pushed myself but it would have been trudging along and not really good, though all runs should be good.

Instead I came back inside and did two loads of laundry and have been working on those things-that-shall-not-be-named. I even rearranged my storage unit. I'm getting closer to a stopping point. I have a few of those things in the way back that I'm not going to go through, mostly clothes and I'm not there right now, so I grabbed 4, went through those, and then took back 4 while getting the final 4.

That's right, folks. I'm down to the final four I'm going to go through at this time. I think I will hurt myself if I don't stop soon. So these are the last ones and then I can put back the ones I'm keeping and start working on the books to sell.

The good thing is I have gotten rid of a lot. I found one of those things with a stack of magazines this morning. UGH! What is up with that? So I recycled all of those and was free a thing. I have two receptacles full of recycling, two others full of books, and still four more to go. But I needed a break.

I can't wait until this is done and I can just go back to pretending the stuff doesn't really exist. At least for awhile. But I'm glad I'm keeping what I'm keeping. Someday I hope to have a library where I can put all the books out and then maybe I'll actually read them. :)

Okay...I better get back to it. MS is supposed to be calling so we can make cookies for a friend of his who is deployed. I know he had some of his own projects he wanted to get done, so hopefully he'll finish soon and we can get that done too.

Happy Sunday!

Just another Saturday

Nothing like going in to work for a few hours to kill a Saturday. Oh well. I got a few of my taskers accomplished, which was good, and didn't let myself stay all day to do others, which was better.

SBK and I met up after I finished so we could do a little Christmas shopping for our boys. We both ended up finding what we were looking for and at a good price.

But here's a note to those reading. I'm trying to come up with a box of memory enhancing items to give to my sister. It's a long story, but essentially she ended an email to me the other day, "I want a long memory and a HUGE clue!" So I got her the Memory Board game, the Clue vintage board game, and then some Ginko Biloba. I'm sure there are other memory devices out there, but I need some help. Any ideas? I want to put a big box together for her for Christmas.

Speaking of those-things-that-shall-not-be-named, I pulled out 4 more from storage for tonight. I'm hoping to get through those while I'm doing some laundry. I'm making progress! My storage unit is starting to show signs of shrinkage! (hahaha...I said unit...and shrinkage... hahaha...I'm so juvenile)

Another day, another week

Today was one of those days where I really could have spent another 3 hours in bed and maybe felt rested. I don't know why I was so exhausted but I was. Plus a nice headache on top of it all. Always fun.

Tonight was nice though. MS and his mom wanted to go to a memorial service/viewing of a friend of hers and MS asked if I wanted to go along. Well, not to be a funeral crasher, I said I'd go if he wanted me there. And of course he did.

So I went and was excited to find out it was at the funeral home where my friend/mentor works now, RRR. I was so excited to see him, as I haven't seen him since July. So we caught up and he met MS and told him he had to take care of me. :) Always nice.

It was just so great to see him. It's funny how God brings him back into my life at times when I really need to see him, when I need that boost of morale and joy. I miss seeing him on a daily basis, so these little moments really mean the world to me.

Leaving his mark

So today we had a retirement party for the guy who got stuck in my office for the last year as an overage. He’s been with our company for over 25 years but last year, due to some manning shifts, he was stuck in my office until his retirement.

Well, today was his last day so, being the nice person I am, I ordered a cake and let the building and some of his former co-workers know that we’d be celebrating at 3pm in the boss’s office (since he was out of town and it has a big table). All is well and good.

Until, that is, I find out after he left that he had taken his chewing gum out before he cut his cake, and stuck it UNDER the Boss’s conference table! HELLO! Who does this anymore? Gross! And then to do it in the boss’s office? Thank God Bruce told me so I could pry it off (with a tissue) because what if the boss had gone to move the table and put his hand in it? ICK!

Wow.

Wednesday's suck

Today was a crappy day. I like my days off, but then when I come back to work it's insane it just bites.

I wore my glasses today so I could see, but then people just bug me - "How come the glasses, Moe?" It's like they think I'm slumming or something. Of course I don't like the brown glasses I have, so that didn't help.

And I didn't get a run in. So I'm crabby about that.

My saving grace? I get to see MS tonight. Thank the good Lord for MS.

Stupid but redeemed

This day has had a bunch of ups and downs. The meeting finished early this morning...YAY! So we were able to head home early and then didn't have to go back to work (the perks of this committee). So I went home and had a great lunch and then ran a bunch of errands, finding a couple Christmas gifts, a haircut (which made me nervous because she didn't wash it, just sprayed it and the last time I had a dry haircut I looked horrid), and completed it all within 2 hours. It was great.

Then I came home and opened my book for the Artist's Way class and realized I had ordered the wrong one. Sheesh. There's a workbook for the Morning Pages which is basically a book with lines...uh, I have a bunch of those leftover from school which I'm finding in my things-that-shall-not-be-named. So I went back online and reordered the right one and I have to return that one tomorrow.

But I was still feeling pretty crappy because the MPs are supposed to be done long hand and I hate that. Thankfully one of the ladies in my class, a different one from the one yesterday who told me I had to do them long hand, said that I could do them via typing (it's just highly recommended you do them longhand). I may go back and forth but for now I just want to get in the habit of doing them, so typing it shall be.

After I got that message I decided to get 4 more boxes out of storage. These are mostly books so I went through them in a hurry. I have a box set aside of those I can sell, and then two boxes of ones I want to keep. The last box is about half full of memento stuff from the days gone by - one includes a tiara from Mark P who used to call me the LS Goddess. :) Love it!

So now I'm going to sit down and do my MPs which are becoming Night Pages. Tomorrow I'm going to try to do it in the AM instead and see how that works. Crossing my fingers!!!

Already messed up

So I guess not having the book has caused me to start out the Artist's Way incorrectly. You have to do the morning pages longhand to feel the words or something like that. one of my classmates said, "If you watch the video and read the book you'll understand why she says you have to do the me longhand." Well, the video wouldn't play for me and I don't have the book. Maybe this was a dumb idea.

Oh well. Today I have my morning meeting which should be interesting. And then I get the afternoon to shop for Christmas and maybe get a haircut. I haven't had the latter in 2 1/2 months. It's getting shaggy. Then I'll pick up my book and try to catch up on this course the right way. Crossing fingers!!!

AW

If only this was a root beer post, but it's not. Oh, that's A&W. hahaha

I've started the Artist's Way today. I didn't have the book (and won't until tomorrow) so I had to postpone starting until this evening when I was able to find the first steps online. It's an interesting exercise to being - 3 free writing pages each morning when you wake up. I don't do longhand because I can't keep up with my thoughts so I typed out 3 pages (which, as I was typing, I figured out was probably more than the 3 pages would have been if I had longhanded it).

Anyway, it's my newest undertaking. Mondo Beyondo has finished, though I'm going to sit in, so to speak, on the class again in January just to keep it fresh in my head. The Artist's Way is a 12 week course and I'm going to do my best with it. I'm getting the book tomorrow.

I just want to write more and I know this will help me to get there. JC once told me that if you want to be a writer you have to write and write often, so here I am. That's what I'm going to do. I need to do this for me. If nothing else it gives me another outlet to spew my thoughts and work through some issues. It might be as good as therapy. :) Or at least a cheaper form of it.

Trying to do things I like...

...versus doing things I have to do.

Those things-that-shall-not-be-named are still calling out to me but I made a vow to myself last night that I would not mess with them today.

I finished my my snapfish project this morning and sent it off to be printed. I went to church and was reminded of the Isaiah text which when I read it during First Week at seminary thunder actually boomed at the right spot. Kind of funny.

And then...I baked cookies. It felt good to get those ingredients going again. Even the clean up felt good. It was nice to do something 'normal' again.

Then, to celebrate my normalcy, I went for a 3 mile run. I needed this. I'm glad I forced myself out. Someone once said the hardest steps in running are the first ones out the door. That's so true. Once I get out I'm fine, but it's getting out that is my struggle. I need this and I can't keep skipping. It had been 16 days since I last ran...not good.

So I came home, had ONE cookie, and now I'm going to get ready to spend some time with my family. MS is coming along, though I'm not sure he's too thrilled about it. It's another step in meeting my huge family - this time the younger-older brother (YOB) and his kids. It should be interesting. :)

Projects galore

So today started early since MS wanted to go to the gym. I'm proud of him for doing that, I haven't had the urge or desire to run at all lately, and believe me, my waistline is showing it. Not good.

So I got to start on my cleaning and dealing with those-that-shall-not-be-named things right away. I cleaned up my apartment, putting a lot of it in my bedroom, but at least my living room and kitchen are clean. YAY! I was going to pull out more of those things tonight but I thought I'd take a night off.

KC came over today and we made our Christmas gift project. It's really cool, but I can't tell you about it because some of the readers here will be recipients. Sorry. I promise to post photos and stuff later because KC got artistic and some are pretty cool.

Then I worked on a photo project. I totally spaced that I had used some of my coke rewards points earlier this year for a free 8x11 Snapfish photo album. Luckily, since Christmas is coming, I thought I'd actually use this and create an album. It looks pretty cool, but I haven't ordered yet. I want to look through a few more of my photos and make sure I have the ones I want.

I'm really excited about both of thses projects. I'm feeling a wee bit crafty and it's fun. I was going to bake tonight too but I decided to play it safe and just call it quits with the two I did do.

Slowly things are coming together. YAY!

Quote of the Day

When I had youth I had no money; now I have the money I have no time; and when I get the time, if I ever do, I shall have no health to enjoy life.

Louisa May Alcott (1832-1888)

Just a little wordling

Every now and then I wordle my blog just to see where my focus has been. I just use my main URL and then hit go to see what comes up.

A few weeks ago the biggest word was "boxes". Ugh. I know this has been the central focus point of my life lately and I'm kind of sick of it. But I know if I stop now I know this project will be like so many others of mine and not get finished.

So I continue. But I'm also happy to report that today's wordle had MS as the biggest word. That's probably how it should be. MS is a huge part of my life and my focus should be more with him and my family...not on work and boxes.

On a quick note, I also found in one of those-things-that-shall-not-be-named a computer thing I did back in college. It was entitled, "Things that make me happy..." and then followed with a list of just that. Funny enough most of those haven't changed. It was fun to read this and be reminded of things that do make me happy. I felt a grin slowly form on my face and soon became a full-fledged smile.

I need to do this more often and remember that life isn't supposed to be stressful all the time, that there is so much good in the world and so many things make me happy and focus on those instead.

So Happy Friday the 13th to you all. I hope you can find your happy place.

Back to work

So today I headed back to work and I hit the ground running. MS wanted to go to the gym this morning (I think he's been feeling guilty since we've been trying to get rid of all the crap food in our homes so we can just eat healthy from here on out - if we don't buy it, if it's not around, then we won't eat it) so I got to go to work early. I got a lot accomplished, though not everything.

But being back at work means I'm also back to the boxes. I swear this is become a theme. I can't wait for this to be over, but I fear it's going to be several more weeks. Sorry, readers. But it's good. I'm getting rid of things I don't need anymore, I have a box set aside for books to sell (I'm sure this will be joined by more boxes soon), and I'm limiting the things I'm keeping. Someday I'll be more decluttered.

I can't write long tonight because I have a lot I want to finish before bed. But I'm back at it. Another day down.

Thank you

Thank you to all those who have served and continue to serve in our nation's military. God bless each and every one of you.

Day off

I almost feel guilty for what little I did today. Almost.

We didn't sleep in but we didn't jump out of bed running this morning either. We had some breakfast and then I watched the Early Show and Dr. Oz while MS worked on his Christmas letter.

I almost feel bad about that too - I keep meaning to write a Christmas letter but I've never been able to follow through on that. I wrote one back in 1998 but never mailed it. I wrote one after I got my Master's but again, never mailed it. Maybe I should try this again this year.

But then I spent the rest of the day watching movies. We watched Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels and then I put in The Big Lebowski. I hadn't seen the former and MS hadn't seen the latter.

Mom wanted to meet up this afternoon for a movie as well, so she and I went to Julie & Julia, which was really good and now I want to bake, but MS has nothing at his house to do that. Oh well...Thursday night or Saturday I can fulfill my need. :)

of coruse tonight is NCIS night so that's what we're doing now while I type away. MS finished up his letter and he let me proof it. It's not bad, but I'm not sure I've had enough going on this year to write up my own. I'll have to think about that one.

Taking a break

Ahhhhhh. Can I just say that again? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I'm on a mini-break. I'm so glad for this and I so needed it. I'm taking a break from work and from boxes. Work went long yesterday and so by the time I got to MS's it was almost 6. We had pizza and watched Confidence, which is one of my favorites but he had never seen it.

Today I avoided my apartment save one brief moment to run up and drop off part of my project for Xmas presents and grab a soda. We spent the day running errands and doing a little Xmas shopping. It was such a nice day.

I really needed this. While we were driving around today I kept shrugging my shoulders and realizing that they were loose for the first time in a few weeks. It's so nice to get away from it all...a little breather.

:)

My boyfriend is the best. I don't care what you think...he's the best. :)

I have had a really, really rough week. We had a computer program conversion, it was a long work week, I had to work late a couple nights, go in early a couple others, spent most of two days briefing everyone's favorite topic "Sexual Assault" and decluttering in the process.

Let's just say, I've been stressed.

MS came out to work today to pick up my house key so he could go to mom's and pick up a few more of the branches we had left from last week's excursion. We spent about 30 minutes talking about nothing, he kissed me and dropped me back off for my last two briefings. I will say that that break really helped.

Well, when I got ready to go today (late because the day ran long) there was something under the windshield wipers on my car. So many thoughts ran through my head - a note from a victim needing help, a note from an assaulter telling me I was next, a note from my former RB saying whatever, or some random flyer that sometimes show up.

But, no. My awesome boyfriend had left me a card with sweet words of encouragement and support. It's not like him, he usually shows he cares in other ways, but this was so sweet and so needed.

I get to go see him now and we get to spend three days together before we both go back to work. A nice little mini-break for the two of us. yay!

Long day again

Well, it's a working day and I'm behind on a lot of taskers, so this morning I went to work at 5:30. This isn't a bad thing, I get a lot more done either early in the AM or after the official work day is over because I don't have people bugging me every 2 minutes, but it really drags the day on. By 4 this afternoon I was about falling asleep standing up.

We did have some fun today. My quartet got to sing the national anthem at a local football game. That was very cool. Of course my Alma mater was the opposition but I kept cheering for them. Very funny - I ran into Mike B who used to work with me in Admissions when I worked the call center back in the day (16 years ago). That was pretty cool.

But I'm just so tired. I ran some errands after work - picked up some paint for MS's project, returned some shoes, got some groceries - then came home and chatted with MS and my sister. I did some laundry and continued on the boxes. I'm slowly getting through all of those.

The good news - after work tomorrow I'm free until Thursday! YAY! Thank goodness for vacation. I need some time off. It's much needed.

A brief exchange

MS, "I'm missing a nut!"

Me, snicker, giggle, holding-back all-out laughter.

MS, "Damn *my work* people." hahahaha

Fort Hood

Praying for those at Fort Hood.

Praying for the victims.

Praying for the wounded.

Praying for the families.

Praying for the shooter.

Laughing on the inside

So I was just thinking how I haven't written consistently in several months but now that I am for NaBloPoMo everything is gushing out. It's like a valve opened and all these things I've been dealing with and thinking about are spewing out.

I'm not saying it's a bad thing, but it's funny that it takes this month for it to happen. Maybe if I had been doing this for the last few months I wouldn't feel like such a mess as I do right now. :)

So today's dilemma. I have an opportunity to go to Hawaii with my work for two weeks in January. Now any normal person would jump at this opportunity. I, however, being so very not normal, am hesitating. I don't know where I would work (I have a few department options), I don't like how it's set up (we leave before a holiday weekend thusly shortening our first work week), and it just isn't feeling right.

MS thinks I'm nuts and that if my job is going to throw me a bone I should snatch it up and not worry about it. I don't want to be "that" girl though. I don't want to just take a boondoggle like this one and justify it that I deserve it because I work hard and I've never been compensated. I've gotten to go to Turkey, Israel (Jerusalem even), Alaska. I've had good trips, albeit short ones.

Part of my hesitation is the work factor - what would I do there. If I'm just going to file I might as well stay home - I have enough of my own filing to complete. But it's also my work here at home. I get so many emails in one day that being gone for two weeks scares me. The week after playing catch up sucks. I've done it and I hate it. I never get caught up so I'm perpetually behind.

But going to Hawaii would be awesome and MS could probably make it work to come over during the same time and could show me around since he used to live there. It would be awesome place to visit and is on my to-do list.

It just all seems fishy. So I get to sleep on this one tonight, talk to my boss tomorrow and make a decision. It should be a no-brainer but for some reason my brain is holding me up right now.

Stepping back

K - this is going to seem redundant...but I hear ya. And you're right as usual. I just need to figure out how to do it and find the courage you had to step forward. I may be scared as to what I discover.

I know I'm at the end of Mondo Beyondo, (though some would say this goes on forever) but I feel like i'm shifting through the lessons these days. The Lull lesson is still going on, but I also wonder if I shouldn't sit down and go back to week one where I wrote out my MB list. I'm not sure I was completely honest with myself during that one and I know I was distracted since we were blowing out sprinklers that night.

I just wonder if I'm being true to what my dreams and passion are. Not that I really know what these are but I'm not sure that they were even on the MB list to begin with.

MS and I had watched Dr. Oz together the other day with the show about sex and relationships. One of the first steps was to talk to each other for 10 minutes each day. So that night, though exhausted we were having trimmed trees all day, I asked him what he wished for (more as a joke initially because we have a very good relationship). He gave me his list, confident as he usually is. Then he asked me. Suddenly, for whatever reason, I was shy, teared up, and didn't know what to say. So as I am prone to do, I hemmed and hawed and then came up with my basics, one of which was to figure out my work. MS immediately said, "What do you want?"

That's the underlying and huge monkey on my shoulders - I don't know what I want. A friend of mine makes his decisions by stating what he doesn't want and then narrows it down, but that seems long and tedious when trying to plan my career. I just don't know where I fit, how I fit in anything. Sometimes I feel so stretched thin - a little bit of knowledge in a LOT of areas, versus a lot of knowledge in less areas that mesh together. It's a great trait, the former, when you're going to a small school and you have to participate or programs will die, but it doesn't help much on the outside when trying to focus on a career path. No wonder ADHD is prominent (not in me, but in the world in general).

So where do I start? I can't quit my job. I need the stability and it's not that I don't enjoy it, though pushing paper after awhile does tend to weigh on a person. I somehow need to figure out what I want to do within this company so I can keep my good retirement benefits and great hours and still be fulfilled. There's a possibility I can do this, but a few other stars need to align.

Which makes me wonder if I just need to be more patient and breathe a little deeper knowing that someday these stars will align and the opportunity will present itself and hopefully by that point I will be in the perfect place to step up and say, "I'm THE person for the job." Am I just stressing myself out because it's not happening RIGHT NOW during this Mondo Beyondo time like it seems to be for so many others? Am I just putting a bigger burden on myself? Maybe I did list my dream (not just one I listed because others have told me I should do it). Maybe I just need to realize that it's coming...just not at this moment.

Hidden treasures?

Sometimes decluttering is a good thing. You find things you haven't seen in awhile and remember stories and events of the good times of ago. Like PB and Tuna - which I still can't quite remember the stories, but I'm sure they were funny and to find a can of tuna and a jar of PB in a box just makes it funnier.

But then there are things that just weigh heavily. It's not that you forgot about them but you had buried them deep in your psyche and they didn't (seem to) mean much. But then you find them and everything is dredged up again.

Like finding an evaluation by my mother of me when I was in elementary school. This wasn't bad. It got me into a gifted reading program which was fun, as I recall. It's just interesting to see how your mother saw you. But then, there's the evaluation by the psych guy before LS. The guy who had met with me for all of 3 hours and then proceeded to determine who I really was.

What scares me is that he may be accurate. Some of the things he wrote still hurt, and I sometimes wonder if I should have an evaluation again, but then I wonder what if it was worse now, almost 10 years later?

But what if he was wrong? Or what if I just think he was wrong? How do I overcome these things he has said and try to live beyond them? Can I strive to be something better than his comments or is that so ingrained in my being that I can't?

I'm not sure anymore. And part of what he wrote makes me worried for my future career. I need the things he says I don't have and I'm not sure how to get them.

STILL decluttering

Funny enough, despite my lamenting that this is the last week of Mondo Beyondo, I've been feeling the most un-Mondoish the past few days. I'm not sure what's going on in my brain. I sat at church and every little thing was tripping me to tear up. I just don't feel all together anymore.

I know a big part of this is the radical change I'm putting myself through - I'm decluttering in the biggest way possible - going through every box in storage and sorting what I want to keep and what I'm parting with either to Good Will or the Good Dump. It's overwhelming, not only the sheer amount of boxes and items, but the sheer amount of boxes.

Yes, I know that doesn't make sense, but it's like this: I sort through a box, the stuff surrounds me in a horseshoe pattern on the floor (as I'm prone to do), and then I get done and put what I want to keep back in a box, or there's a recycling box, the good will box, and then the trash box. The latter three I can take care of somewhat easily, but the first is tough. Where do I put it until I'm done with all the other boxes? I have very limited storage, and putting it back into storage will get it mixed in with the other boxes I still need to sort. It's a complicated mess.

So for now the boxes I'm keeping are getting stacked in my bedroom. The empty boxes I can break down (i.e flatten) are being flattened, the boxes I can't flatten are getting stacked in my entry way.

I have boxes every where. It's overwhelming.

I can't wait for this project to be finished. I have limited time to do it so it's taking longer than I would like, but I'm getting it done. I just wish it wasn't so daunting of a task.

Church Day

Yesterday was a full church day. I haven't had a day like this since LS. It was good though.

MS and his mom go to a different church than I do...still ELCA, just not one I knew was in our town. The pastor there was celebrating his 25th ordination anniversary so the church had put together a surprise get-together for him between services. MS's mom wanted to go so we went.

We got to church early and hung out in the fellowship hall just chatting. We got to meet the pastor's internship supervisor who was a bishop in ND for awhile. MS and I had a bet going that I would know more people than he did at the church (the small incestuous Lutheran community, as we called it at school). I said that I doubted that but for every person I knew I would take him out to dinner.

I owe him 6 now. Sheesh.

The associate pastor went to grad school with me - I think she recognized me but we didn't really talk. The Bishop was there, who I knew but he didn't know me. One of the retirees from my current job was there. The pianist for the adult choir used to go to my home church. And then on the prayer list was not only RAC but his daughter in law as well. Crazy.

After church we went to Boston's for lunch which took for.ev.er. But it was good. Then MS dropped me off and I headed to my LS meeting.

I've been invited to be part of a President's Advisory Council for LS for this area. I wasn't quite sure about it, still not so, but it was good to catch up with Rick and MaryS and see a fellow student, Chris C, who now runs one of the programs at the local college. There's a longer story with the latter but I'll save that for another time.

All it all it was nice to reconnect with church people. Not sure where that'll take me but it was good.

NaBloPoMo

YAY! It's NaBloPoMo time again! (National Blog Posting Month)

I started this a couple years ago when it first started by Mrs. Kennedy. It was great because it connected me with some really cool people, a few of whom I'm still in contact with. It's great!

My worry is that this year I won't make it every day. I'm hoping I can, but with my schedule as it is it might be tough. I'm crossing my fingers though that I can and that it will get me back into writing again. Somehow I'll figure it out.

For now, Happy NaBloPoMo and All Saint's Day!