Basic truths to be self-evident

I’m weird.

Yes, I know this. And others know it, too. A couple of my weird truths have come to light, as of late, like my necessity that if I start a book series in paperback I have to finish it in paperback (no, I can’t borrow your hardcover until the paperback comes in print – that doesn’t work) and that I like gray, cloudy days like today – they make me happy. Yes, I’m happy today, even though I’m tired. This weather is great!

But those who know me, also know that there is one basic truth – I wear black. Yes, I wear black all freakin’ year long. It’s my color of choice. I wear blue jeans and a black shirt or black pants and a colored shirt. The basic point is: I wear black.

But those who know me may not know that I’m also a coat person. I prefer to wear a coat – no matter what the weather. I need something covering my arms and somewhere to put my hands while I walk. I’m really a Neanderthal in that sense, but I need a coat. It doesn’t have to be heavy, but I have to have a coat of some shape or form. Last night I went out with MH and I wore a sweatshirt/hoodie thing. I had my pockets and I had my coat, even though it was in the 70’s. Today, I’m wearing black and red long-sleeved shirt, and I still wore my coat as I walked downtown at noon.

It’s a weird trait, I know, but not one I can lose for some reason (I’ve tried and I’ve felt naked walking around with just a tee-shirt or shirt). I did once make it through the day without a coat, but I was wearing jeans and a long-sleeved t-shirt instead. But I felt kind of weird the whole time.

I’m weird. I wear a coat.

I wear a black coat, no less.

Yeah, that’s enough.

Things I learned this week

1. More people love you than you know.
2. It’s okay to let them show that – it won’t kill you.
3. Friends are VITAL.
4. Decorating cupcakes is harder than it looks.
5. Practice is essential. No one, well very few, got to where they are without hard work.
6. Sugar at 9pm at night is NOT a good idea.
7. Always wash dishes when finished with them.
8. Family is ESSENTIAL to living well and happy (at least for me).
9. Each day is a gift – no one day should be more important.
10. Though some days are deemed more significant – I f others don’t agree it doesn’t mean they are wrong or your are right (and vice versa).
11. Fun Guns RULE! (It's a South Dakota thing - right, E?)
12. Sometimes the cheap stuff is just as good as the expensive. Just because you pay more doesn’t automatically make it better.
13. If you’re going to bake, decorate and share … a digital camera would be a good thing to own to record your efforts for future reference.
14. It can be hard to put down all you do so others can do it for you when you’re gone, especially when you’ve been doing things for so long.
15. Showing people what you do and how you do it can stir up ideas that may work better! Learning to be open to those ideas is a good thing.
16. It’s good to be assertive, as long as your assertiveness doesn’t come off as aggressive. Passive and passive-aggressive is bad.
17. Letting go is a good thing.
18. People can do more than we think. We need to learn to empower them, instead of crushing them with this authoritative world.
19. Just because one person likes something, doesn’t mean I have to like it, too.
20. Sometimes being in a busy place with lots of people can make a person seem more alone than they should.

Smile on my face

I received REAL mail today; not bills or advertisements or catalogs – real mail – from three of the coolest entities on Earth. The card was awesome and when they signed it, “you are loved!”, I actually became choked up.

What is it about getting cards from people who love you because they choose to love you versus cards from people who love you because they’re related. These folks wouldn’t need to love me, let alone LIKE me…but they do. Sometimes I wonder why since I’m such a pain in the arse most days, but they still do. It’s incredible.
---------
A man from the church I attend just came to the desk and gave me a book. This is just out of the blue, though he and I have talked after the Sunday evening services about my voice. So he gave me a book called “The Singer’s Life: Goals and Roles” and asked me to read it. I’m kind of excited about this – it’s partly because he talked it up so much, but also because it’s geared for people interested in singing but not quite at the Met status. There are 4 sections in the book…this should be good. More to come…

Martha I am not

I’ve been baking a lot again lately. I’m not sure why. It’s a nice stress reliever, but I haven’t been all that stressed lately. Maybe it’s just a good diversion keeping me from cleaning my desperate house. Yeah, it’s probably that. My sister is worried. I sent her some different things and one of them was a Martha Stewart recipe. To quote: “Martha Stewart ideas....I'm starting to worry about you! It's not always a "good thing"! :-)” I did my best to assure her that I’m not MS, but that I use box mixes and canned frosting. I’m not sure I eased her mind.

So I tried these on Monday and these last night. (By the way…I really do love this site and this site, and if I could actually set up links on this blog thing I would have them on the side. Anyone want to show me how?) I took pictures of how mine turned out but it will be a little bit until I can get my disposable camera film developed. Sorry folks. Maybe I should get a digital camera…but I don’t have a computer so that doesn’t help much.

Anyway, the Monday rendition turned out okay. Frosting and creating the little birds was a little trickier than I thought, but the box mix I used for the cupcake was really good – gotta love Roundy’s. It’s inexpensive AND yummy. I’m finding that now, 2 days later, the birds are falling off the coconut. Not that that’s a bad thing…every bird needs to leave the nest at some point…but I feel bed when I see the little heads rolling off the cupcake onto the ground. A note for next time: serve them to others right away!

Last night’s trial run did not go very well. The dough was really sticky and wouldn’t roll out or together well. It might have been too warm in my kitchen itself last night…the chocolate chip cookies I made, which usually are kick butt, didn’t turn out like they should have. Very strange. I felt like I was losing my touch for a moment. Then decided it must have been the working conditions. :)

So on to the next. I want to make these for Emmy’s b-day party but it’s looking like that’s going to be on Easter which I won’t be home for. :( That really does make me sad, because she’s such a sweetie, and I hate to miss her party. So I might make these on Thursday and give them to her this weekend when I’m home. We’ll see. I have nothing to transfer them in, I’m going to have to invest in some sort of goodie transporter. Do they sell those?

Lacking luster

I was struggling yesterday with this thing. No, THIS thing – this blog. I was looking at the limited comments I’ve been getting, which is totally fine because really, even I’m bored with it. My writing is lacking luster lately. Say that five times fast. Ha.

But I have to remember that I’m not writing for others, at least I’m not really intending to, but I’m writing for myself. The fact I’m bored with my writing just means I’m not writing about what I really want to write about. So I need to figure that out.

I skim a lot (!) of blogs throughout the day. Several (other than my friends’) have become ones that I look forward to reading: Heather, Mrs. Kennedy, FP, Manda, and Melissa. The latter was recently interviewed by Leah, whom I also read, and in this interview Melissa said this:

What do you want to tell other bloggers, if anything?

There’s this ‘popular blogger’ debate I keep hearing. All blogs have value if they have 4 readers or 4,000. You just have to keep writing what you love and the people who are supposed to be reading it and the people who are important to you will find it.

So, even though I limit, somewhat, who gets to read this, I still have it open to the public. So maybe if I start actually writing on things I find important and love, this place won’t suck like it has. :) I do like the idea of a journal, and this has served the purpose well and will continue to, but I’m going to make a strong commitment to write more, and about better topics. 'cause really, I'm not that exciting of a topic. :)

shameless plug of a Must Read

I’m realizing today that I haven’t plugged my latest favorite book lately. HMS is reading the first book right now and just made it through a trying point of the book. I’m on book three and suffering through the ‘what’s going to happen next’ continuing moments. They are just SO good.

Dress nice, but not in red and blue

I’m staying with my tradition of dressing my avatar well when I want to not be here. Not that today is bad. I had a great work out this morning and plans tonight to make these, so it’s really not a bad day. Just wanting to stay focused. Had a bad dream last week that I’ve been avoiding talking about, but maybe it’s time. So, Tre if you’re reading this…help me sort this out!

So I was at guards in our office, working, pulling things together for whatever project I was working on. The day was beautiful, warm, sunny and gorgeous. It was around the time I was supposed to go to Alaska but I hadn’t received my orders yet, so I was killing time, waiting to hear. When suddenly, I look outside and see a huge blue bus pull along side our building (which was on a tarmac for some reason). People start filing up to the buses with their army duffle bags, dressed in dark blue jeans and red shirts (one of whom was my friend, Debbie – in fact, most people in line weren’t from my unit) and begin loading their luggage on the bus (kind of like greyhound buses but more like the blue school buses we have on base). Then they all line up in a pseudo formation.

Suddenly, I freak. Was I supposed to be on this? So I run outside to the guy in charge – who wasn’t Larry but kind of looked like him – and he starts barking at me wondering where my stuff is and why I’m not in line. I said that I never had notice we were leaving today. He looks at me like I’m the biggest idiot in the world and screams at me to get my crap together and be on the bus in an hour. So I run home (apparently it wasn’t as far as it really is) and start packing my stuff, crying my eyes out, freaking out for screwing up and wondering where the hell I’m going to find dark blue jeans and a red shirt so I’m in ‘uniform’. I grab my stuff and haul butt back to the base and get on the bus.

Then, suddenly we’re in Alaska, I’m in normal uniform and I’m trying to check into my room. This was really weird, because the housing was set up like school – rooms off to the side, narrow corridors and lunchroom/rec room right in the middle and people everywhere. I go to the room they’ve assigned me and find it packed with women – 5 beds, 4 of which are larger, and 1 open one that looks like an easy chair (there were arranged weird…the little one was in the middle but they almost looked like they were standing upright in my dream). “That’s your bed,” they say cackling cattily (yes, women cackle). So I drop my crap and head to look for another place in case somewhere else is open. I end up running into some guy who starts yelling at me that I’m not where I’m supposed to be and that I was supposed to unload all the equipment and I better get going. I’ve been there all of 5 minutes and this place is insane and I have no idea where I’m going. So I start walking toward the planes and trucks, hoping this is right. The guy who yelled hooked up with some buddies and start following me in a jeep. So I walk faster. And they drove faster – staying just behind me, but taunting me the whole way. I finally made it to where all the equipment was being unloaded and I ran into someone from our unit (I recognized his face, but can’t think of his name now) who took me under his wing and helped me find my box and load it on a jeep and drove me back to the housing.

Then I woke up.

I’m sure some of this stems from not knowing when I’m leaving yet and getting an email that I have to get a few things done (dental, duh), and that it’s my first real deployment as a PA alone. My stomach turns when I think about it, though part of it is excitement, but other parts of it are just fearful. That fear of rejection and screwing up… maybe someday I’ll get over that.

It's almost April!

What a day. It’s raining. I love the rain. It was raining a year ago too. Weird. It’s Mark’s Mini’s baptism day, as I had declared back then. It’s all good.

Called mom this morning at 0600 – I thought about doing that at 0445 when I woke up and wishing her a happy birthday then, but as LR said, that would be just cruel. Mom said that turnabout is fairplay, but what is she going to do – call me at 10pm? Haha

I just wrote and deleted a recap of the week. You don’t want to read that anymore than I want to recap it. It’s just been busy. But a good busy. But it’s leaning toward the weekend now, being Thursday and all, so I’m starting to look at baking recipes to see what I can do on Saturday. It’s kind of become my baking day. There are some cute recipes on the M&M’s page. I need to work on my cakes, cupcakes and especially my frosting techniques. I think my cookies are fine and I usually have pretty good success with any I make. But now it’s time to work on cakes and things since so many birthday’s are coming up. Emmy’s b-day is in a couple weeks and I had volunteered to try this cake, but I need to do something smaller first just to see. The Guinness cake was fine but these b-day cakes are a little different scheme of things.

Later…

Okay venting for a moment. Why is it that when you explain the system to a person they still don’t follow it?

And if you haven’t figured it out, I didn’t get the CLI job. And I’m okay with that. Transitions and changes are good but timing is everything. It does open my eyes a bit to keep an eye out for other options as time continues on.

So here’s some fun. Once you’ve done my Johari, go to my Nohari window. :) Don’t be scared…it’s all good.

Decision

Not me.

"When is a sidewalk fully dressed?"

“When it’s Waring Hudsucker!” natch.

I don’t know how that got into my head. I haven’t seen that movie in years, though it is one of my favorites.

Okay, actually, I take that back. I know how it got into my head. I thought to myself as I began to type, “I’m wearing down.” And my thought response was, “No, I’m Waring Hudsucker!” (yes, I answer myself in my head - sometimes out loud, too)

And one of the best…well what would you call this…sequence of lines (?) was in this film:

Board Member 1: What if you tire before it's done?
Board Member 2: Does it have rules?
Board Member 3: Can more than one play?
Board Member 4: What makes you think it's a game?
Board Member 3: Is it a game?
Board Member 5: Will it break?
Board Member 6: It better break eventually!
Board Member 2: Is there an object?
Board Member 1: What if you tire before it's done?
Board Member 5: Does it come with batteries?
Board Member 4: We could charge extra for them.
Board Member 7: Is it safe for toddlers?
Board Member 3: How can you tell when you're finished?
Board Member 2: How do you make it stop?
Board Member 6: Is that a boy's model?
Board Member 3: Can a parent assemble it?
Board Member 5: Is there a larger model for the obese?
Board Member 1: What if you tire before it's done?
Board Member 8: What the hell is it?

I love Board Member 1. It's so appropriate for today..."What if I tire before it's done?" Long day already. I seriously dozed and tossed from 12:15 on this morning. Everytime I’d try to fall asleep I’d start thinking about this event today and all my fears of it failing would come flying into my face. It’s kind of been my first event really, I mean, planning from the beginning with the client to the very end. I’ve tried to be very diligent and specific. So far it’s going okay. The next one tonight will also be a doozy but should (*cross fingers*) pull off fine, too.

But this tossing and turning is so not great. And now my motivation is starting to wear off – maybe I need some ice cream. Oh wait, no. That’s not good. But I need something. My snacks are all gone. :(

Hey go to my johari window! :)

Johari Window

I’ll play too, but I can’t get the link so I can set it up off to the side, so it is here instead.

Maybe I should drink more...

So KG is upset with me because I haven’t updated this blog lately…sorry girl. I just don’t always think there’s a lot to say here. Sometimes I think I get too wordy and talk about nothing, but if nothing is what you want then I suppose an update is in order…

Y’all will be happy to know that I didn’t drink myself into a stupor last Friday. In fact, I didn’t drink at all. I went home and made cookies instead. I’m not sure which is worse…maybe I should have drank instead. Less calories in the end but the munchies would probably be just as detrimental.

Church was great on Sunday – the choir sang at both services and the special choir for the Bell Celebration practiced between. Since I can’t be at that celebration I sat upstairs and read my book. Well, I actually ended up reading only two pages because the interim pastor came by and chatted with me for almost an hour. It was great…we chatted about this week’s text – specifically the Numbers text 21:4-9. The IP had been avoiding this text for 30 years and finally decided to preach on it. :) That made me chuckle and start to wonder about it, especially in light of last week’s OT text – the commandments. In that reading, God specifically says to have no false idols…and then in Numbers God tells Moses to make an idol, basically… Or do you call a bronze serpent on a stick an idol? Or is it a symbol of faith as we have with the crucifix and cross folks wear around their necks today? (or Buddy Christ if you prefer the Catholicism Wow! campaign.) It’ll be interesting to see what IP does with the text.

The rest of this week has been trying to fix all the crap that happened last week, especially since I came in on Monday and had half a dozen MORE emails about the same topic. And then by the end of the day that number had doubled again! Frustrating. It’s times like this that make me want to drink, but I don’t. I just go home and go to bed as soon as I can.

Tuesday was great because, after my massage with Keith, I went with a cool lady to Lo-To for my first visit ever and had my very first martini! I know, you’d think a 31-year-old would have had a martini by now, but nope. Lo-To was a cool place once you find parking. And so many cute boys! :)

I assisted in chapel yesterday with Stevie P preaching. It was a pretty good sermon (3 minutes) and my prayers were okay (stolen and revised from the Minister’s Desk Edition – which I still own). I spent most of the day chuckling at people who kept coming up to me telling me what a great presence I had and how good it was to see me there. Those acting classes really paid off! Many were surprised that I was able to assist so well, that is until they remembered that I had been a seminarian at one time. Heck, I even took worship with the incomparable PDub. :) too funny. But in all honesty it felt good to be there again…not that I like praying in public. MK said, “An OT person like you should know how to pray.” And I said, “No, the OT person in me says, ‘Listen to the silence and hear the word of God.’” So we had a longer bit of silence during the prayer.

Otherwise, life is just truckin’ along. Slowly getting ready for Alaska, though it seems odd that I’ll actually be there in a month. I can’t wait. But my alcohol tolerance is lacking, I best start training.

not so funny

Y’all know that joke I make that I run the school – that I am the one in charge? Apparently, it’s actually true. Apparently, it’s my job to open everything and make sure everything is running 24/7/365. Apparently, it’s even my job to cover for everyone else. Well, that’s not completely true, but I just got a note that someone thinks this is the case and has told others that I’m not doing my job and essentially pawning it (what they think is my job but is actually their own) off onto others. I’m a little crabby now…is this why this day is green? At least it’s a drinking day. Too bad I’ll be home alone doing it. Crabby. Crabby. Crabby. Crabby.

Some famous (?) one-liners

Some are even originally mine!

“Kiss this.”
“Ah, yes, but will the people sing fast?”
“Chicken!”
“Tuna!”
“Flit this!”
“I need to kiss a boy.” (natch)
“Dirty.” (BD)
“Hateful Jan” (BD)

There are, of course, stories behind these lines – most make no sense without the background, but oh well.

Words. Words. Words.

Ah…I love Shakespeare. It’s amazing how the plays can speak to any time, any place. The story lines may seem odd, the language hard to follow, but once you can comprehend what is being said, it’s simply amazing and can open so many doors to life.

The Guthrie is closing its original doors and moving to a new location by the river after this final production. They are closing up with Hamlet, as a tribute to the first show ever performed. The last show will be 43 years to the date the first show opened in the Guthrie (May 7 – get your tickets now!).

After the (amazing!) show last night, there was a discussion time with the actors. One couple stated they were very upset with the current location being shut down, having been season ticket holders since almost the very beginning. The actors took that to heart but also stated how much the spirit of the Guthrie moves with the group. Joe Dowling, Artistic Director, wrote in his dialogue in the program that “a theater is not a building. A theater is a group of people working together – actor and audience sharing a sense of our common humanity.”

This made me think, not only of theater (because what Joe says is incredibly true of theater people) but of the church. I think so many times people think of the church as a building (I know this is old hat to many of you reading it but I just need to type it out)…that the church building is where “God lives” and where ministry is done. E had made a point earlier this week about how to bring the Lenten discipline out of Lent and move it beyond Easter – moving the Fish Fry’s to a more needed place in the church world – beyond the times when it’s ‘only fish on Fridays’. This is such a hard thing to do when we live in the world of God on Sunday’s in the church building only.

But if we think in the mind of theater people – theater is everywhere. God is everywhere. It doesn’t just end in the church. A well-performed (even an ill-performed) play will stay with you forever, just as a sermon or ministerial moment will. There will always be remembrances, things that impact your life whether you know it or not, that take place in your whole being. God is the same way. Whether we like it or not, whether we know it or not…God takes place in our whole being. Who we are is a reflection and action of God’s work…as Hamlet said, “to hold, as ‘twere, the mirror up to nature; to show virtue her feature, scorn her own image, and the very age and body of the time his form and pressure.” Someone said last night, “We all have a little Hamlet inside us.” That’s true of God, too.

So maybe we need to think like Hamlet “…not in madness, But mad in craft.” Not crafty in the extent of conspiring to murder our uncle/father or aunt/mother but crafty in the way to help others to see God for who God is – 24/7/365.

It’s quite a feat, but since theater is everywhere, a little Hamlet is in all of us, perhaps we can bring the audience to life.

Well, that's done

Okay, so the meeting is done and over and I’m back to my normal place in life – at least for the time-being. No pressure or anything but the meeting was with R, R, L, KS and DD was supposed to be there but he was sick. UGH! But RN ran the conversation/interview nicely and I didn’t feel too overwhelmed, though I was shaking in my boots walking upstairs. (rac, you were right – apparently they’ve been watching me for a couple years now…weird)

So anyway, the conversation went very well – with no set expectations on either side…they know that I understand that I may not be offered the position, and I know that they understand that if they do I may not take it. They had asked about starting date, and L and I had talked about April 1, which to be fair to Carol would be the soonest I would feel comfortable leaving, and even that seems quick at this stage. RN said they won’t probably have a decision made now until next week, (due to some outside complications) but they would be in contact with me then about the progress and a start date may have to be changed or will at least be part of their discernment for the candidate.

We had a good discussion about the guard situation – and they were open to looking at different options – perhaps each person taking their turn a bit more and not relying completely on the assistant position.

Here’s a funny thought I just had – if I was offered and took the Program Assistant position I’d be a PA here too! Hahaha…I’m a dork.

Ahem…focus…so anyway…it was good to meet with them. If I do get offered and do decide to take the job, it’s going to be very hard leaving here, but maybe that’s a good thing, too. At least it means I’ve enjoyed my job here so much that it’s not an easy decision to make – if I was running from the job and wanting to start tomorrow, I guess as a possible employer I’d be worried about who I was taking on, but that’s just me.

So again – thank you to all who have helped me and prayed for me through this process. I couldn’t have done it without you (obviously). I value all of your opinions so much and it was comforting to know that I could ask you anything and you would be frank, open and honest. You are all valued deeply to me. Thank you!

Emotions

Nervous
Tired
Hungry
Thirsty
Scared
Confident
Indifferent
Determined
Worried
Backache

and my hair looks funny today.

here we go...

Meeting tomorrow, Tuesday, with R, R and L at 9.

weekend update

Friday was great! After work I picked up some groceries for the weekend then went to the gym. YAY! Then my pseudo-boyfriend was in town so I got to hang with him at the Dubliner – even had a Guinness (which I don’t normally drink) in honor of Keith and his kick ass workout CD. Saturday I vegged; Sunday I went to a Sacred Voice concert and ran into my landlords…very funny. I ran into A1 and she told me she has a recipe for a Guinness cake. I’m so stoked. I’m going to try it this week. She’s making it for a party she has on Friday. Pretty cool. i love new recipes.

This seems wrong...

I almost wish I hadn’t stopped eating these (too much sugar) 'cause this would be such a conversation starter.

Protect it!

“Is that a banana in your pocket, or…?”

Odd moment...

I was chatting with my friends K&M today (not the music company). I asked K about her job – she’s been working retail as of late while M works on his PhD. She said she applied for the CLI job Feb. 11 – the same job I applied for, but she hasn’t heard from L or R about it. (how’s this for code?) I’m wondering if her resume got lost in the mail – KR had been out sick for awhile and is out again this week, as are L&R. So she contacted them again to indicate an interest in speaking with them next week when they return.

Now, the good person in me is tempted to withdraw my app – K would be great at this job, she also will be around for awhile, plus I know with her and M’s family it’d be good for them to have the benefits. The bad* person in me still wants to see what will happen next week when L&R return.

The cool k and I just chatted about this a bit. It’ll be interesting to see what happens. I wasn’t really upset when I heard K had applied, which makes me think maybe the job isn’t for me. There are guard issues that keep coming up in my head. I know K could start probably right away which would be beneficial for the office, whereas I couldn’t start til April 1 – leaving me with no time with DD and then only a few initial days of training before heading to Alaska.

So is where do I go from here – with what’s good for the school? Or what’s good for Moe? And do I know what’s good for Moe yet?

*maybe bad isn't the right term here, but maybe alternate ego in me?

Polka, Dot? Don't mind if I do.

Played me some Bingo last night. Man, what a fun show! I highly recommend this one. The cost is a bit steep but it includes a good dinner from Pazzaluna in conjunction with the show. Lots of fun, but go to play.

Next Tuesday, I’m going to see Hamlet at the Guthrie…I can’t wait. I’ve seen Hamlet before but there’s something about seeing Shakespeare at the Guthrie. Plus it’s the last show in the current location, and my last show with season tickets.

Am debating about seeing Carmina Burana this weekend. Keith went and said it was awesome. I’ve never seen this, only listened to recordings. The Minnesota Dance Theatre is performing with Minnesota Chorale. The cost is reasonable but having just spent money on Bingo, I’m a little hesitant. Plus my pocketbook has been taking a beating as of late.

This weekend I’m going to make cookies. I gave these up for Lent but I’ve just been altering my meals with jelly donuts and things instead. I’d rather be eating something I know I’ve made that wasn’t deep fat fried and hopefully a bit healthier.

On top of this Keith gave me a copy of his workout disc – music, that is. This kicks some serious butt. Heading to Bally’s tonight to run with it. Killer music – at one point we go from Fat Boy Slim to Salt-n-Pepa to Elvis. It just doesn’t get better than that. (oh and the disc starts with ‘Fortuna Imperatrix Mundi’ from Carmina Burana and ends with ‘Bolero’ by Ravel. Freakin’ awesome.

Observations and random thoughts

Busy week
it’s been a busy week…but I’ve also accomplished a lot. I think I’ve been on a high since this past weekend. Guards was awesome – the paper turned out great, with just a few minor (huge, glaring) errors. I can’t wait to see it in print. It’s such a fulfilling feeling to know that I worked my butt off, with FL and KN and others, to create that piece of work. It’s not artwork in the traditional sense, but it takes an amount of talent to throw it together in the space of 16 hours (while attending/completing training and taking online classes and preparing for the next month). I’m really proud of this one…it wasn’t quite what I had pictured but I’m still pleased.

Scrubbing Stream…
…of consciousness. K had written a post about needing a good scrubbing and unable to remove ashes under her nails after Ash Wednesday. Last night I missed church but still had to go for choir. I had arrived early and the choir room was locked so I sat and waited. As I did I began looking at my hands. The makeup I had touched up my face with (wanting to look a little better, thinking maybe hottie E would be there, but alas he was on a trip) hadn’t completely washed off in my quick rinse off before I had left home. My fingerprints seemed highlighted by the embedded makeup and I was fascinated and how weird my hands look. I have a few cracks in my fingers due to the icky dry weather, my skin just looks odd, my scars from various cuts throughout the years seemed amplified. It was an odd moment. Every detail seemed to be flying out at me – a moment of clarity, I used to call this.

But as I looked I thought more about the makeup and the scars. We truly are sinners. No matter what we do there’s always an impression made – I had sliced the back of my right ring finger when I was 17, the small flap of skin I kept and band-aided it down to heal. Now I have small scar. The makeup didn’t wash away immediately…in fact, when I got home it took a lot of warm water and some serious scrubbing before I seemed to be gone. But was it really?

Then I thought about the makeup itself – it’s used as a way to cover up our flaws. It’s funny we do that as sinners – we try to cover up what’s wrong so we can look perfect, even though it’s still there. It’s like lying to cover our tracks, but in the end the truth always comes out. Yet, we even do it in death. We dress up our loved ones, make up is applied to make them look as they were in life, so we don’t have to face the harsh reality of death.

Death and Life
Which leads to death and E’s post (K posted about this too…). Well, mostly growing up. I think I have a lot of growing up to do. I feel like a failure sometimes since I have such a hard time with ‘grown up’ things. Sometimes I feel like I’m still in high school, heading to college soon and trying to figure out my life. I look in awe at my friends who are married, have a great career/vocation, have settled down and seem to really know what’s what. I, however, am still single, confused about my vocation/career and live in a cupboard under the stairs.

I sent in my resume/cover letter (finally!...yes, I know *sigh*) on Tuesday and now it’s the inevitable wait – the wait to see if the job is offered to me or not. I think the timing worries me. DD is ordained April 1 and I know they wanted whomever to work with him for awhile before he left. Not sure how that’s going to happen since they told me the job would start April 1. But that’s neither here nor there at this time.

I just need to grow up – but what does that mean, really? Does that mean the whole married thing, solid career, settled down? Or does it just mean able to make decisions in a single bound…it’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s decision girl! Yeah, right. Like I’ll ever make it to that level.

Thanks
Anyway…thank you all for your help in my discernment. I still have a lot to think about and maybe someday I’ll figure out my life. Until then, I’ll just keep spewing out nonsense here. Oh and make as many cookies I can, when I can.

Raise your hand if you're sure. OR Look before you leap.

Okay, folks, quick survey: How many people are tired and annoyed with my continuous conversation about discerning the job thing? A show of hands if you please…

*crickets*

Huh, that makes sense. No one responds because everyone is tired of reading about it, hence no one comes back here anymore! I don’t blame any of you. I wouldn’t come back either. But, I promise, I’ll make a decision this weekend. I know, I know, I’ve said that before, but now it’s down to having to actually apply, since brilliant me told them to open the job to the public - they’ve now had two applicants.

A wise man told me tonight that I may be hurting myself with my current employer too – this discerning thing. “I don’t know if I want that job, but I don’t know if I want this job either.” It makes sense though C hasn’t seemed too upset (the paranoia thing…she was in a meeting off site I didn’t know about and she’s been sick with the flu since). There are appealing things to both jobs, and unappealing things as well. It’s just weighing those out. The money isn’t an issue, so now it comes down to what do I want and where do I want to be in a few years. Starting at this job 3.5 years ago I was in it for the gig – easy gig, I knew my way around it, I liked my boss. A year ago I thought, I’ll give it 18 months after HO retires. It’ll be interesting to see the changes that will, of course, be made with the new administration. We’re only 2 months into that, so part of what’s holding me back is what will these changes be? I’ve worked hard in this company at this position since I began, I gave myself up for the home team when they needed a switch hitter for 18 months. Now I can finally just concentrate on this job, which I do enjoy. I like the planning process. I like working with staff and faculty with their events. I like knowing what’s going on, since most of my life I’ve rarely been in the know.

But then, God throws a curve ball and brings this other option into the picture. This other option is appealing too – it’s starting something new, yet somewhat established. It provides different (not necessarily better) but different opportunities than I have at the current job. But what’s holding me back? The possible inflexibility of hours, the commitment of a few years (though in reality that’s not set in stone, but the responsible person in me feels it is) and the unfamiliarity of it all. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy change – once it’s done. It’s going through the change that’s the hard part.

So what do I do? Many have told me to apply, as I mentioned before. One person told me I could apply, but that’s not saying yes or no to actually taking the job – but the person in me says that’s just wrong. You don’t apply just to apply. You apply because you’re genuinely interested in the job. I am interested but … there’s that but again.

Man, what is my problem? Too many choices. No confidence in self. No confidence in abilities to make decisions. Maybe it’d be better to stay where I am so I don’t screw everything up in a new job.

But then, maybe I just need to jump.

It's March 2 and D-Day is looming near

You’d think I could just make a decision. You'd actually think that, wouldn't you? But for some reason I can’t. It’s kind of difficult to plan the next 5 years of your life in a week, or a month as it’s becoming. People tell me to take a chance, change is good. I agree, but is this change the right change and the right change now? That I’m not sure about, which is what keeps me discerning. Time keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin' into the future.

So until then… another installment of things I recommend:

Texas Hold ‘Em – I’m playing the boys this weekend in our final send off for Mike before he becomes "mister officer, sir". So I’m using this website to practice. Ha!

Good things – this site is awesome. I’m not a Martha lover but there are some great recipes and tips here, as well as links to some other places for good eats.

Mumpy – I think I’ve talked about this site before, but it just makes me smile. I hope I’m this creative with my kids pictures someday.

Joan – I know this series is over and done, but I still find a lot of help and guidance from it. Yes, yes, it’s fiction, but I think a lot of the underlying meanings and lessons are true to life. Season 2 isn’t out just yet, but enjoy Season 1 if you’d like.

Sleeping in – this is a good thing, but it’s even better when you sleep like you’re dead to the world and awaken having dreamt about being part of the CSI team solving a gruesome murder.

Free stuff – a few weeks back I went to this site and found this link and this link and traveled to other links and requested free samples of stuff. Some of it is coming now…like my rosary, and Gain laundry detergent, and Dove deodorant. Ah…fun things to get in the mail.

This book – okay, people, seriously…you need to be reading this series. This is book 3 and IT IS PHENOMENAL. That's all I'm saying.

Paranoia

Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean that they aren't out to get me. - Woody Allen

This is one of my favorite quotes…though it’s probably not the best and really, when you read that, what does that say about me?

I think C is avoiding me. Of course I could just be paranoid, as I usually am. But she has barely talked to me in the past week or so. I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve done something wrong of because of this job thing. I went up to see her at noon today but she wasn’t there so I didn’t get to ask. She’s been coming in the top door and leaving the same way. I’m not sure what to do about this. Just another factor to add to my stress list – on top of gaining weight back and trying to decide my future.

Licked by a nerd

I had the joy of playing with the cutest puppy in the world yesterday as well as hanging out with one of my dearest friends. So much fun – the licking, the petting, the playing (that would be with the dog, mind you) was a much needed release. It’s so awesome to feel that unconditional love. Don’t get me wrong, cats are great and when O’Ryan or Hyde snuggles up to me and purrs it’s one of the sweetest things, but there’s just something about a hand licking from a puppy to make you sigh and think that all is right with the world.

Also watched Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind. Great movie. I’m not always a big fan of Jim Carrey or Kirsten Dunst, but I was able to overcome that and really enjoy this movie…twisted but, man, what a mind blower. It made me think, not only about relationships I’ve had, but also about experiences. Everyone, including me (maybe especially me at this point of my life), wants a happy life – simple, no problems and at times to forget the bad. But it’s the bad parts that help make us who we are…it’s the tough struggles in our life that help shape and mold us into the person we are going to be…it’s what makes me me and you you. To take that away…to erase that part of your life is erasing part of yourself. The struggles aren’t always fun, but it’s what life is about.

Splitting hairs

Got my hair trimmed up yesterday. It’s still kind of long but more of a bob thing. Sort of. I don’t know. It’s okay. I’m still trying this whole growing out thing but we’ll see how much longer that’ll last. Today is so much better than it has been and hopefully it’ll grow a bit more evenly. But sometimes as I catch a glimpse in the mirror I feel like I’m 12. Not that I ever had long hair when I was 12, but you know.

A good weekend is upon me: Hanging out with MH tonight and JB tomorrow night, and cleaning and churching in between. All much needed activities.

On a side note, I think I need decision-maker’s anonymous. They have that somewhere, don’t they?

Zzzzzzz

Seriously having trouble sleeping lately. Well, last night wasn’t bad, though I’ve been having some weird dreams. (One was of DD not showing up for our meeting the other day; last night was about a guy I haven’t actually met yet and we were at a basketball game…good dream, but strange.) But other nights I have so not been sleeping well – waking up at 1 thinking I had slept 8 hours but finding it was only 3 and the suddenly feeling completely exhausted – but then not being able to shut my brain off to sleep. Then finally falling asleep around 4 or 5 and not being able to wake up and then running late all morning.

I was excited to get this info yesterday, except for me to be at work and focused at 0730 I should probably be waking at 0530. no wonder I can’t really focus on anything til about 0830 or 0900. I'm just causing severe cognitive impairment to myself. no wonder i'm a mess.

'What are you wearing? You look fabulous!' *

So one of my friends (*sigh* Schlenker) would always dress up when he knew he was facing a challenging day or if he didn’t have a lot to do(so he’d be motivated to get things done). Hence the avatar today. I can't afford fancy clothes and it's too cold to wear a skirt so I thought maybe the avatar evening gown and paparazzi would help just as well. :)

*I'm so Chandler Bing...except I don't really watch E! or ESPN. :)

Disconcerting Discerning

Attn Readers: for the record I haven’t made a decision yet. Any rumors that may be floating around that I’m leaving my job aren’t true. Hello! Still discerning! Haven’t made a decision yet! Sometimes I hate this place – the rumor mill is insane.

Okay back to this job thing…maybe I need to stop talking to people. The advice and discussion is great, but I’m now up to 3 options instead of 2 (which really doesn't help the decision process):

Stay at the InfoDesk
Move to CLI
Stay at the InfoDesk and continue to discern my career path for the next year, then make a change.

One friend said, shouldn't this be an easy decision - if it's so hard then maybe it isn't right. The problem is that in the discerning process I’m realizing more and more that this is not just a job change, this is a career change. If it was just a job change then it wouldn't be that big of a deal...but it's so much more than that. If I move to CLI, I’m saying to myself and others that I’m looking for a career in administration and that I’ll be here probably a goodly chunk of time (I don’t think they’d appreciate if I take the job and then leave in 8 months or a year). If I stay at the ID, I’m saying I want a job in events OR that I’m still discerning my future and will be here for at least another year before I make a change.

Both positions have their good points – they both have building blocks from which to grow. In CLI it’s building the position and the WMC to perhaps more that it could be than it is. In Events it’s building the department and working with catering to build a better correlation between the two to help create the department that I think really could be prominent, and maybe bring our department to the head of the game of event planning on campus. Staying in events and helping to build the department is a great way to build my resume for if/when I move on to another event office. Of course moving to CLI and helping to build that program would also be great for my resume if/when I leave here.

So it kind of comes down to where do I want to be in 5 years, or where do I see myself if 5 years. I’ve never been good at this part of life – looking ahead to where I want to be, to what I want to do. I’ve always fallen into my jobs – Arby’s Crew Leader (well, I sought that one out but I needed the cash and knew they would be more than happy to take me on since they wouldn’t have to completely train in a new person); my teaching gig (the school was in a bind and I was available); and all my positions here…they’ve fallen into my lap and have been convenient but I don’t know that they have been really things I’ve looked at as a future career. But now I’m in this one and I do enjoy the job…but is this where I see myself in 5 years? (well, not at the desk, but in events?)

It’s a blogiversary!

One year ago today I started this monstrosity…too funny. I remember one friend telling me that only pedophiles and geeks had blogs and if I needed to talk to call him. Well, I still call him, but I also still blog. This has become a great avenue for me to vent, talk, just spew info. I’ve tired journaling in the past but this has been the only thing that has really worked. And over the past year this medium has helped me to not only discover who I am but also my friends. Technology is taking over people, but in so many ways it’s such a good thing. It helps me to keep in contact with people in ways I never thought I would, and hopefully, they feel the same about staying in contact with me.

So anyway, thanks to you 5 or 6 people who read this. Maybe someday I’ll be as famous as Heather and you can say you knew me when… :)

from me to you

JB does this often with her recommendations. JF and MT have taken her up on this task…so I thought why not?

Water glasses – I found these first at the Bibelot and only bought two, then gave one to my mom, silly me. Must have more! I love these.

Chatterbox – Awesome place to hang out…better during the week when it’s less crowded, but can you really ever go wrong with a bar that has an Atari?

TB – I grew up on these books and love them still today. Mindless reading with very little plot, and there’s always the question of whether or not Jim and Trixie will finally get together! Good for the teenage sap in all of us.

My Blue Heaven and Johnny Dangerously – again, mindless comedies which just warm the soul. And great quotes! "Plus, no bicycle. It was a disappointing Christmas on many levels." "Did you know your last name is an adverb?"

Aprons when cooking – I recently bought this one since I’ve been baking so much lately and it’s fabulous. I love the extra towel!

Michael Buble – ah…’nuf said.

Things that make me smile…

Just a couple quickies, found courtesy of odious woman:

Cuss-o-matic: so sweet…I’m always looking for good comebacks at the ID.

Virtual person generator: Apparently, I created a 47-year-old male named Nathan who is unemployed, 5’7” and favorite movie is “The Passion of the Christ”.

Make Your Own Evil Plan: Key for anyone looking to accomplish world domination or something.

Okay...

So after a good conversation with CH, I’m back to square one again. (tangent: I loved Square One TV. I wish it was still on.)

So goal for today and tomorrow: Name my strengths, weakness; pros/cons for both positions; look to future with where I’d like to be in 5 years (even though I hate that part).

Then meet with DD on Friday for a little more info on the CLI job and then make a decision over the weekend. By Monday I should have a decision in place.

I fear my future when it takes me 2 weeks to decide on a job.

Perfect S.A.D.*

What a perfect start to the day – overslept, cold shower and freezing rain. ‘can’t wait to see what the rest of the day brings.

*Singles Awareness Day

Still...

Ugh. let me just repeat that: ugh.

So the discernment is still going. I did meet with CAH which was good but didn’t really help my confusion.

Maybe I need to just take the job. Change is a good thing, right? It’s not like I’m indispensable or anything. It’s not like people can’t and don’t already cover for me if I need to be gone or I screw up.

But then I wonder where does that put me for the future?

I’ve been chatting with some close friends about this: K said “maybe the outcome God wants for you is simply a different perspective.” MW brought up that the extra money is nice but spiritual and emotional health are more important. These are great to think about but neither will I know unless I do take the job. I know where this job will take me. I know the challenges, hell I know what time of year is better than others – what times are slower than molasses and what times make me want to rip my hair out. It’s the unknown that scares me more than anything.

I went to Brokeback Mountain yesterday with mom. My friend Chris asked me this morning what I took from the movie, and seriously through most of it I was thinking about how scared I am – How I have not done things because I’ve been scared to do them. I saw that a lot in Ennis…not wanting to start a ranch with Jack, not giving up the little things to be with someone he loves or cares about, constantly worrying about what people would think. And I thought about the chances I’ve missed out on, many relationships, opportunities I’ve said no to because I was scared of what the consequences would be. Why is that? Have I been burned that much in my life that I just fear taking any chances? Am I destined to stay in one place forever? A friend in college used to tell me that I would be the perfect wife – because I’m stable. That stability keeps me from taking chances and instead having a lifetime of missed opportunities.

But all that said, I feel like I have to look to the future and what to do I want to do with my life, and dammit, I just don’t know. Damn vocations. I majored in music because it was easier to stay with that major than figure out what I really wanted to do with my life while I was in college. I went to seminary because my pastor asked me to go. I graduated with an MA instead b/c for once I figured out that the pastor gig didn’t work for me, but then I graduated with a sham degree b/c I just wanted to finish and not waste all the money and credits I had already earned. I took a job at the InfoDesk b/c I knew I could do the job well and it worked out with my schedule (plus I could finish my degree with help from LS paying the costs of classes). That need for stability has gotten me here – to a job that I enjoy, to a job offer that I would be good at too, and a fear of what lies ahead.

Why does this have to be so hard? Of course, some would say it isn’t hard…you just decide and you live with your decision. ‘cause maybe it doesn’t work out…you just find a new job. and then I’m right back where I am now.

So ugh.

*sigh*

What to do. What to do. What to do. What to do. What to do.

What do you do when you’re happy in your job position, but you get offered another job? And what if that job is at the same company where you currently work? And what if it pays more money?

Rock
Me
Hardplace

Had lunch today with a fabulous woman: Laure is so funny and amazing (she ran a half marathon this weekend – hello! It’s February!), I just love hanging out with her. She, her husband and I basically closed the party down at Christmas…too fun! Anyway, she invited me out to lunch to talk about a job possibility in her department. Apparently she’s been working up the courage to ask me for 3 weeks now. The position would be cool – working with the CLI and WMC students and contacts, traveling a couple times a year to Berkeley, meeting new people, making new connections, etc.

The sad thing is – losing control of LS (I AM the Dir. Of First Impressions, as well as the person who runs this place, you know) :), switching positions mid-year, leaving a place I do enjoy working, hurting CAH.

It makes me think about mom – someone had told her last week to retire on her time, not when it’s best for the bank. So if this is right for me I need to go for it, right? And not worry about the ID or CAH or whatever? The problem is I have this responsibility trait and I feel obligated to follow through on my tasks. There are so many things coming up I don’t want to miss out on and I don’t really feel comfortable leaving to someone else. But are those reasons enough to stay?

Then there’s the guard factor – in my unit if you want to switch positions or try for another opportunity, 9.5 times out of 10 you are encouraged to do so. There seems to be an overwhelming notion of doing your job well, but also of advancement of your career and position. You just don’t see 40-yr-old Senior Airmen working as a computer tech or an apprentice. But here, granted once you come to LS you generally stay or you’ll be back shortly after leaving, there isn’t a whole lot of department movement. Very little in fact…And I’m not sure how that would go over.

It’s nice to be wanted, I will say. It’s quite a boost to my ego to be told that I’m really good at my job and when the position was developed I was the first person they thought of for the job. Apparently I have good skills, even if I’m not completely sure what they are.

I have some time to think about this…which is good. Laure’s going to put it on the LS website for job offerings so I’ll have to actually apply. She didn’t want to do that but I think it’s better if she does. Maybe someone else is qualified who is actually wanting to leave their job. And if I do decide not to apply, and maybe even if I do, I could use the salary package as leverage for my current position, not that it would probably help. I, at least, need to tell CAH about this...somehow.

So…what to do. What to do. What to do…

Ugh.

And so the weekend begins...

Friday mom retired from her job at the bank. Wow. I’m still amazed to be saying those words. She turns 62 this year and I know she’ll be fine, it just seems odd to take it all in. When you’re younger you never think about your parents not working, especially when they’ve worked all your life. I mean, you know it’s going to happen, but you never really think about it seriously. Kind of along the same lines as your parents dying: You know it’s going to happen, but you never really think about that moment.

I realized earlier this week that I am the same age mom was when she was pregnant with me. She had 3 kids and me on the way by this point in her life. It’s a little surreal. Especially since I can barely get a date. :)

Anyway, Friday the SD/MN kids took mom out for supper to celebrate. Max and family couldn’t make it due to distance and poor planning on our part. They were all missed. Supper was fun – it was great to see the little kids.

Now I’m protecting the upper Midwest from a pubic affairs emergency. Or something like that. I’ve been here two hours already, eight more to go…

It's just so hard to say no...

RAC commented (finally!) on my posting below and hinted I may have left some important items blank – what am I doing today, tomorrow…etc. And since I struggle giving up on opportunities to procrastinate a little more, I thought I’d actually try this. The problem here is that these may be seen as goals, and if I don’t fulfill my goals, I may sink deep into the ‘pit of despair’. (sorry, momentary Albino moment) But alas, I will try to list the things I want to accomplish today and tomorrow and see how this goes.

Today (to include the weekend)

• Complete the work tasks I’ve been planning to finish since Jan. 1 (I won’t list them all here…I can’t make this THAT boring of a blog)
• Pack up the cookies at home to take to work or ANG this weekend (to keep me from eating them)
• Check flights to Texas, again, for pricing
• Pack for the weekend
• GYM!
• Layout ideas for the July TB – color? Background? Talk with VI for ideas…begin layout?
• Mom’s retirement party/dinner
• Check on Tre
• Prepare meals for the week (at least til Wed)
• Stop making cookies!

Tomorrow (to include the next few weeks)

• Make the gym a priority, not an exception
• Stop making cookies! (w/ the exception for V-day)
• /Or/ at least bake less cookies!
• Book flight to Texas
• Finish blanket(s) for Cletus
• Stop eating cookies!
• Sort through clothes for good will (could be detrimental due to #’s 2 and 6)
• Shop for new clothes (call KS!) (see #7)
• Go to Texas (but don’t move there, yet – Frye would be very upset)
• Hook RAC on blogging.

procrastinating, again...

This time via JB…

10 YEARS AGO:
1. i worked at the nsu library on work study and at Arby’s full time while going to school full time
2. i lived in my very first apartment with bethy – we had a “Wall of Jim”
3. i was dating Jim “Ripped His Knee”
4. i hated my degree program but felt trapped in some ways
5. at the end of the year I joined the SD Air National Guard

5 YEARS AGO:
1. i was beginning my fourth semester at luther
2. i lived in Bockman the first half of the year
3. i had made a trip north to some small city to see my friend Tim play
4. then I made a trip to CSprings for a week to see Tim again
5. i moved into a basement of a house the second half of the year

1 YEAR AGO:
1. i spent 2 weeks in MD at a guard school
2. i sang my first solo at Central
3. i began the re-evaluation of my life
4. i went to a strip club with friends (not to dance) for mardi gras
5. i weighed the most than I had since college

6 MONTHS AGO
1. i began my lifestyle change
2. i became more specific about my connections with people
3. i started running again and began looking at gyms to join
4. i began a great friendship with A1 & A2
5. three of my dearest friends moved away from me

YESTERDAY:
1. i was horribly unmotivated!
2. i weigh what I weighed in college (but not the lowest I was in college)
3. i did my best to be available for a friend in need, but probably failed miserably
4. i experienced a moment of SUI (shopping under the influence)
5. i had wingy!