Still...

Ugh. let me just repeat that: ugh.

So the discernment is still going. I did meet with CAH which was good but didn’t really help my confusion.

Maybe I need to just take the job. Change is a good thing, right? It’s not like I’m indispensable or anything. It’s not like people can’t and don’t already cover for me if I need to be gone or I screw up.

But then I wonder where does that put me for the future?

I’ve been chatting with some close friends about this: K said “maybe the outcome God wants for you is simply a different perspective.” MW brought up that the extra money is nice but spiritual and emotional health are more important. These are great to think about but neither will I know unless I do take the job. I know where this job will take me. I know the challenges, hell I know what time of year is better than others – what times are slower than molasses and what times make me want to rip my hair out. It’s the unknown that scares me more than anything.

I went to Brokeback Mountain yesterday with mom. My friend Chris asked me this morning what I took from the movie, and seriously through most of it I was thinking about how scared I am – How I have not done things because I’ve been scared to do them. I saw that a lot in Ennis…not wanting to start a ranch with Jack, not giving up the little things to be with someone he loves or cares about, constantly worrying about what people would think. And I thought about the chances I’ve missed out on, many relationships, opportunities I’ve said no to because I was scared of what the consequences would be. Why is that? Have I been burned that much in my life that I just fear taking any chances? Am I destined to stay in one place forever? A friend in college used to tell me that I would be the perfect wife – because I’m stable. That stability keeps me from taking chances and instead having a lifetime of missed opportunities.

But all that said, I feel like I have to look to the future and what to do I want to do with my life, and dammit, I just don’t know. Damn vocations. I majored in music because it was easier to stay with that major than figure out what I really wanted to do with my life while I was in college. I went to seminary because my pastor asked me to go. I graduated with an MA instead b/c for once I figured out that the pastor gig didn’t work for me, but then I graduated with a sham degree b/c I just wanted to finish and not waste all the money and credits I had already earned. I took a job at the InfoDesk b/c I knew I could do the job well and it worked out with my schedule (plus I could finish my degree with help from LS paying the costs of classes). That need for stability has gotten me here – to a job that I enjoy, to a job offer that I would be good at too, and a fear of what lies ahead.

Why does this have to be so hard? Of course, some would say it isn’t hard…you just decide and you live with your decision. ‘cause maybe it doesn’t work out…you just find a new job. and then I’m right back where I am now.

So ugh.