it’s been a busy week…but I’ve also accomplished a lot. I think I’ve been on a high since this past weekend. Guards was awesome – the paper turned out great, with just a few minor (huge, glaring) errors. I can’t wait to see it in print. It’s such a fulfilling feeling to know that I worked my butt off, with FL and KN and others, to create that piece of work. It’s not artwork in the traditional sense, but it takes an amount of talent to throw it together in the space of 16 hours (while attending/completing training and taking online classes and preparing for the next month). I’m really proud of this one…it wasn’t quite what I had pictured but I’m still pleased.
Scrubbing Stream…
…of consciousness. K had written a post about needing a good scrubbing and unable to remove ashes under her nails after Ash Wednesday. Last night I missed church but still had to go for choir. I had arrived early and the choir room was locked so I sat and waited. As I did I began looking at my hands. The makeup I had touched up my face with (wanting to look a little better, thinking maybe hottie E would be there, but alas he was on a trip) hadn’t completely washed off in my quick rinse off before I had left home. My fingerprints seemed highlighted by the embedded makeup and I was fascinated and how weird my hands look. I have a few cracks in my fingers due to the icky dry weather, my skin just looks odd, my scars from various cuts throughout the years seemed amplified. It was an odd moment. Every detail seemed to be flying out at me – a moment of clarity, I used to call this.
But as I looked I thought more about the makeup and the scars. We truly are sinners. No matter what we do there’s always an impression made – I had sliced the back of my right ring finger when I was 17, the small flap of skin I kept and band-aided it down to heal. Now I have small scar. The makeup didn’t wash away immediately…in fact, when I got home it took a lot of warm water and some serious scrubbing before I seemed to be gone. But was it really?
Then I thought about the makeup itself – it’s used as a way to cover up our flaws. It’s funny we do that as sinners – we try to cover up what’s wrong so we can look perfect, even though it’s still there. It’s like lying to cover our tracks, but in the end the truth always comes out. Yet, we even do it in death. We dress up our loved ones, make up is applied to make them look as they were in life, so we don’t have to face the harsh reality of death.
Death and Life
Which leads to death and E’s post (K posted about this too…). Well, mostly growing up. I think I have a lot of growing up to do. I feel like a failure sometimes since I have such a hard time with ‘grown up’ things. Sometimes I feel like I’m still in high school, heading to college soon and trying to figure out my life. I look in awe at my friends who are married, have a great career/vocation, have settled down and seem to really know what’s what. I, however, am still single, confused about my vocation/career and live in a cupboard under the stairs.
I sent in my resume/cover letter (finally!...yes, I know *sigh*) on Tuesday and now it’s the inevitable wait – the wait to see if the job is offered to me or not. I think the timing worries me. DD is ordained April 1 and I know they wanted whomever to work with him for awhile before he left. Not sure how that’s going to happen since they told me the job would start April 1. But that’s neither here nor there at this time.
I just need to grow up – but what does that mean, really? Does that mean the whole married thing, solid career, settled down? Or does it just mean able to make decisions in a single bound…it’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s decision girl! Yeah, right. Like I’ll ever make it to that level.
Anyway…thank you all for your help in my discernment. I still have a lot to think about and maybe someday I’ll figure out my life. Until then, I’ll just keep spewing out nonsense here. Oh and make as many cookies I can, when I can.
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