Are we in epiphany yet? I need epiphany!

Christmas was awesome – my faboo roomies got me a cooling rack for all my baking, my sister and mom both got me flour sack towels (YAY!), and my sis got me a spoon rest! WOOHOO. Dave got me this AWESOME book – The Game of Thrones by George R.R. Martin. It’s incredible! Max had gotten me a GC to B&N so I got book 2 today. YAY! Debbie got me a great gift too – a Willow Tree figurine “with affection”. It’s really awesome. So tonight I’m taking down the Xmas tree and redistributing things on my coffee table. I got other awesome gifts too but I won’t bore you all – you know, all 4 of you who read this.

So Christmas has come and gone now and we’re moving into 2006. This is my week, or last few days, to get my life organized for the ‘year of 30’. So I have to go through finances and budgets and all that – one for taxes, but also because at the beginning of this year I made a vow to watch my finances and see just what the hell I’ve been spending money on. I was pretty good through March then I started to get lazy. So now I need to catch up – donations, checking, savings, Morty, food, etc. I really need to know what I’ve been spending each month so I can better plan for the future. SO that’s the plan this week – sort through all those receipts and checks and plan it out. I’m glad I have it somewhat started, now it’s just finalizing it. Doesn’t that sound like an excellent way to end the year? I think so.

Merry Christmukkah!

quiz a few days late...

Okay so several days ago I did this quiz off of M’s blog but I never posted it here. So here it is.

I'm (a): neat freak, organized, worrying, phobic, fears the unknown, irritable, pessimistic, emotionally sensitive, fears chaos, risk averse, fragile, unadventurous, depressed, frequently second guesses self, likes to fit in, does not like to stand out, perfectionist, hard working, does not like to be alone, clingy, dependent, practical, ordinary, cautious, takes precautions, good at saving money, suspicious, heart over mind, busy, altruistic

Breaking this down and really looking at each description, I’m thinking maybe this is pretty accurate (except maybe the pessimistic and irritable ones – though I know I have my moments, but who doesn’t. and I’m really not a neat freak – anyone who has seen my house would know that.).
Sometimes I really wonder how these quizzes really work. Are specific questions really designed well enough to determine who you are? How can that be when I’m not even sure who I really am? And now that I’ve taken this quiz and read this will that influence how I become?

afternoon of fun...

People kill me – a guy just called and said he has to send a paper in to the professor via snail mail and he doesn’t know what address to send it to. So I said to put the name of the professor, and gave him the mailing address and zip. And he says, “And that’ll get right to him?” uh, yep. It’s amazing how snail mail works. It’s just incredible that the world survived back in the days of the pony express without email or computers. I mean, how did John Adams communicate all those years with Thomas Jefferson? They were states apart! (Massachusetts and Virginia, respectively)

so what?

I hate when people correct me. So what if it’s 3:53 pm and I said “good morning” when I answered the phone. Let it go already! It’s not like it’s life or death – besides, it’s morning somewhere in the world. Just ignore me and tell me where you want to be connected, that's why i'm here.

feeling slightly guilty…yet, not

Last Thursday we had our Advent Tea where we also honored HO on his years of service here. He’s retired now and he will be missed, though the new guy looks promising. Just before it all began, as folks were gathering, Kris put her arm around me and said, “it’s almost done.” And I began laughing – my mood has been sooo blah lately, but as the week went on last week, I steadily became happier. Is it because my xmas shopping is done (just need to mail a couple)? Is it because the weather was better? Maybe my list is getting checked off, one by one? Or maybe, just maybe, it’s because the students are finally leaving – well, now, they’re gone for the rest of the month.

Today quiet looms over the seminary…I’m hearing the buzzing of the lights for the first time in months. A few stranglers are about – including my sister’s husband’s cousin (how’s that for a Kevin Bacon moment). But mostly it’s quiet. I suppose this is a time to get a lot of work done, and as soon as I’m motivated, I intend to do just that.

This weekend was great – Friday night I went to Sponsel’s to hear/see the Jaztro’s play their Xmas show. Phenomenal! It’s always fun to hear them play and the boys really wailed, even without Mo. And Sponsel’s was great! I had never been there before, thinking it was a big conglomerate of apples, but it’s just so fabulous. Topper was amazing – as Joe called him: “the f-ing Willy Wonka of Apples”. Seriously. He gave us a bunch of different kinds to try – and remembering that they had been picked in September – they were still outstanding! As Luke said after Topper did a little jig when we figured out that the Live Music version had cinnamon and lemon hint to it, “That’s a man who loves his job.” I’m so adding it to my list to go to next fall! My pies will be downright fabulous!

Saturday night I went to Chad and Darren’s sweater party – or tacky Xmas sweater party as I like to call it. I don’t own one, thank goodness, so I just went to drink and socialize. I met a few new people, which was fun and got to hang out and sing Xmas Karaoke with Steve and Pete and Chad. Good times.

Sunday night (are you liking the play by play?) Anthony and Kendra had invited me over for dinner (salmon! Mmmm!). Again, good times and fun new people to hang with – Ross, Randy and Vanessa. Good eats, great banter, fabulous wine (It was one of those - thanks, Randy!).

All in all a fabulous weekend (oh and I finished the scarf I was working on and am almost halfway done with the next blanket).

a quick note to j-man and all...

j-man. I’m sorry last year’s ss xmas thing sucked for you. i wish that process would have worked out better for everyone involved. That was one of the reasons I didn’t do it this year, besides the fact that hardly any of my staff really know each other like you guys did last year. Maybe white elephant next year instead. Daily Candy does have some good rules for ss…maybe I should have handed those out last year.

a plethora of nonsense 2

I keep starting an entry and then I get interrupted and I never get it done…so now I have like 4 of these to put in so I’m going to put them all in at once. Enjoy.

Oh wait…to preface all this…I’ve still been blah so these may not be all that exciting. I’m really not liking this blah-ness. I have my moments of joy. I just can’t seem to find them lately. Maybe one will show up as I put these together. :)

Saturday
Saturday we had our ID Xmas party. As we waited for people to arrive I remembered last year’s with J-man anxiously waiting when he could go, e&k handing me the wine from every one, all the fun of watching people dig out their gifts in their stockings, the secret santa, and the fellowship. We had that this year, but only 3 workers showed up initially, another came a little later, and 2 weren’t able to come. It made me sad b/c we had it on a Saturday this year b/c it was the only time we could all meet (I thought) and b/c it wouldn’t be such a rush. BC, SH, RO and I sat around and talked and ate cookies and eventually opened presents. It was just the stockings this year and a few things Carol had. When KG showed up she started asking fun questions – like what are your plans for Xmas, what are your traditions, etc. And I have had nothing but great comments on the tangle toy gift this year. Everyone seems addicted! Woohoo! But I still miss the ol’ gang and the fun we had. This year’s was a little less than I had hoped. I guess it’s just time to start getting used to that.

Saturday night it was the LS Xmas party. Somehow, though I dreaded going, I was able to have a good time. Maybe it’s the Prez’s wife or maybe the Prez since he was kind of giggly that night (if that’s possible). Anyway, I had a couple drinks and the rest of the time a lot of diet coke. I also had straight-up chocolate (we had a fountain) which was good and hung out with Laure and Shawn toward the end of the evening. Apparently I had my game on that night since on Monday I was told at least one person thought I was ‘three-sheets to the wind’ (i.e. ‘drunk’ for you non-understanders of the ancient language of yore). Whatever. If he thought a little giggling and laughter is an indication of drunk, then he really hasn’t seen me out at Boom! with the gay boys after choir. AND he needs to get the stick out of his bottom and join the fun.

Learning to downsize
I am a packrat. (Not to be confused with this pack rat or especially this rat pack, of which I couldn’t be since I’m not a crooner, male, notoriously drunk, nor is this the 1950’s. Though I am a great fan of many of the original rat pack – which by the way did you know that the rat pack [frank, dean, sammy, etc] didn’t like that name and preferred be called the Summit because they were the top and they knew it? Well, now you know. And back to the packrat…) I know this. I’m admitting it. (Hello, my name is Moe and I am a packrat.) And it pains me everyday. The past few days I have been doing better in the email facet at least. I haven’t been keeping EVERY single email like I was. Instead I’ve been deleting things once I’m done with them. Then at the end of the day I empty my deleted items box and it’s so invigorating – just watch as those hundreds of emails (yes, seriously, hundreds! – you should see it when I actually take the time to clean out my sent items and other folders – insane!) going down the shoot. If only I had sound on this computer – I’d set it up with a toilet flush when I empty the folder. whoosh!

She was a what?!
So this weekend – the coming one, not the former one – is my friend Karla’s wedding. I’m sad because it’s in texas and I can’t afford to go, plus choir is singing the Vivaldi Gloria in church Sunday AM so I really shouldn’t go anyway. Karla was always great. She and I were in college together, one year, one day apart, so we’d celebrate our birthdays together (often with Gretchen too who was a day after me). Karla was a great friend – ever supportive, always fun, and great to be around. Maybe next year I’ll have to put up her Halloween picture the year she made her own costume. It was incredible. But not this week – her wedding is coming and she should be seen in white – not pink.

Zoo Inhabitants
KG just stopped by in high spirits, which is great considering its finals week. I’ve once again discovered our purpose here at the ID – to listen to the moaning and then encourage people to go get their work done and that they can get it done in the allotted timeframe they have procrastinated themselves down to. But for a current student sitting here at night during finals week that task can be daunting. KG said she showed up in really good spirits last night, but as people kept coming by and telling her how much they had left to do, the reality of everything SHE had left to do just began to weigh heavily on her and by the end of the night she was really down. Oh the trials and tribulations we folks in the cage go through. I’m going to have to bring out Lucy next year and the tip jar. This is ridiculous!

Thus endeth this installment of the constant blogging of moe. You’d think sometime I could just stick to one topic, but alas, my brain does not work that way.

interesting

So here’s an interesting concept: a metal looking bible. Get this description:

“It's back--now in green and orange metal. Plain, simple--and totally unexpected--this small, plain text NLT Bible is about giving young adults something unique without directly saying it's for them. With a metallic matte finish on the outside and the complete NLT text on the inside, this Bible will be a favorite among students of all ages. Style-conscious teens will find this lightweight compact edition of the Scriptures irresistible.”

Style-conscious? ‘cause it’s not stylish to have a Bible in your backpack unless it’s concealed or camouflaged somehow? And now it’s uncouth to say that “it’s for them”? Are the advertisers saying young adults can now carry a Bible around without being subjected to the ridicule and horrors of their unchurched brethren by hiding the fact they are reading the Bible since it’s in a ‘hip’ metal look?

Another description – for the orange version – is this: “Plain, simple and totally unexpected, the metallic matte finish makes a very cool cover for style-conscious teens. Inside, the plain, simple and totally understandable NLT text. "Identified" or "One Way".”

The true metallic cover does mention that “The New Living Translation is great to read and good to share with anyone who asks you about your book with the cool metal cover!”

But my question is, why do they need a hip cover to hide the Bible and hope that someone will ask them about it? What’s wrong with just a Bible? Or am I just not in touch with the youth today?

New and very important

2 quick things for the afternoon, then I need to get back to work:

• From Mary: “You know, Sara, when you wear a skirt in this weather, you might as well be naked.”
• New Death Mask!

oldest older brother

So my oldest older brother is in town for a couple days. We’ll call him Max. It is GREAT! We don’t see each other near enough, but I have been the luckiest of his 3 siblings to get to see Max more often due to my fabulous military training. It’s sad that our families aren’t closer considering how close we all are. That first closer is in terms to proximity. Our family is really a rare breed. I see so many people who rarely, if ever, talk to their siblings or parents – those people who spend holidays with friends instead of venturing home because going home would be so traumatic. I know mom gets really annoyed with our loving teasing but I think it would be worse if no one was around. I know last year when I didn’t come home for Thanksgiving it was odd. I cleaned my house, put up my tree, watched CSI, but I wasn’t with family and it was really weird. So I am so very thankful for these times together – however brief and heated with our ‘discussions’ are, Max and I still get along great. We argue but it’s completely out of love and respect. We’ll banter back and forth – Catholicism vs. Lutheranism – and still we hug and are saddened when the time comes to part. It really is a great blessing to be able to have these opportunities.

relaxing to chase

Today is my weekly visit with Keith. I’ve been meaning to bring in my own ‘reflective/meditative’ music for awhile and today I finally dug out some CD’s to bring in. Of course, trying to pick meditative music from my eclectic collection is tough. I finally found a CD by Nathan Kuhlman – all piano and then I grabbed Michael Tilson Thomas and the San Francisco Symphony doing a little Prokofiev Romeo and Juliet action. That should be good to relax to.

In the midst of my search I found one of my favorite bands whom I haven’t listened to for awhile. Chase. *Ahhhh.* Chase is a killer jazz/rock band from the 70’s, 4 of whom died in a plane crash, including the founder. The band features four awesome trumpets headed up by Bill Chase – a man who can just wail!

I first heard of Chase when I was student teaching in Redfield, SD. One of the teachers I was working with said he had met Bill Chase when Chase had come to play at NSU back in the early 70’s. He said Bill had a permanent callus on his upper lip from playing so much. Amazing.

The most incredible song that grabbed me is called “Invitation to a River” – it’s a 5 part song (it actually has sections like a symphony or other orchestral piece) all meshed together to tell an incredible story of love, passion, regret, and death. You have to really listen to the words on this one. But more than the words, the music tells the story. I’ve always loved instrumental music for being able to convey emotions that words/singers can’t always pull off (and I’m a singer!). A picture’s worth a thousand words, they say, but music can tell a million (I say). The 4^th ‘movement’ of 'Invitation to a River' is called “Reflections”…the story sets it up that the man is standing at the river bed and contemplating his life and relationship with the woman/women he loves who have broken his heart. There are no words here but Bill plays out the pain and turmoil while he actually plays with his echo – an incredible display of the turmoil and mess that a person can go through with relationships. It sends chills up my spine every time. Goosebumps galore. If you haven’t heard Chase, I highly recommend them.

Advent is here

Leslie puts together an Advent Calendar each year. Nice day 1.

a touch of the dry throat

RC commented to me (though he has yet to leave any comments here) :) this weekend that I had a touch of the ‘dry throat’ (as I put it) from Thanksgiving til last Thursday. True enough. But since then I’ve talked about what I am and vomit so I think I’ve made up for my lack of writing.

I’m feeling disillusioned. Is that the right word? Or maybe it’s just the lack of exercise. I’m just blah lately. I don’t get it. Maybe it stems from getting stood up for dinner last Monday, or not seeing the jazzy boy since last Sunday, or all this stuff for HO that I can’t get my head around, or the flat tire last week, or the holiday/family stress, or maybe it’s just the weather. I see out my ‘office’ windows that the sun is shining. Too bad it’ll be dark by the time I actually drive home.

I feel pathetic because in the grand scheme of things, these little things are so piddly that it seems a waste to think about them, yet somehow they are important, to someone. Maybe Stephanie has it right (see her last paragraph). Really i have a great life. i'm not stuck in the trenches (knock on wood), i'm not (completely) poor, i have food on my table and a roof (or two) over my head, i have good friends who i probably take advantage of and don't care about or honor like i should. for that i am sad. okay i'm sinking back to the abyss. Back to Stephanie's writing. more later when i'm not blah.

emesis

I actually just used Joey’s phrase, “Wow. There’s a lot I didn’t know about vomit.”

“sara is…”

I was checking out jb’s site today and found this game via jb via heidi. I didn’t want to stick with just 10 so I went til I got bored.

Directions: Type "(your name) is", (with the quotes) into a Google search, cut-and-paste the first 10 responses that work. Just pull the answers right out of the excerpt google shows you, don't click the link and search around. The only rule is that each one has to start with "(your name) is".
Here we go ...

Sara is right. (natch)
Sara is rescued from three cowboys (sweet!)
Sara is somewhat of a chameleon in terms of musical style. (that’s true)
Sara is extremely shy. (again, true)
Sara is Dead Wrong (see #1)
Sara is no longer with Bad Boy. (true again…this is scary)
Sara is one of those girls who stand out in whatever they do, from a very young age. (really?!)
Sara is not just all looks and beauty. (of course I’m not!)
Sara is nonetheless the most pampered pupil in the school (that’s not true)
Sara is my hero. (she’s mine!)
Sara is soon coming to a city near you! (daily!)
Sara is thrust into an strange and exciting new world (okay…)
Sara is still haunted by the terrible memories (that’s true)
Sara is in the FBI witness protection program (if I told you, I’d have to kill you)
Sara is not a happy tweenie. (thank God!)
Sara is never sweeter. (true enough)
Sara is getting a puppy for Christmas (I wish!)
Sara is mad! (no!)
Sara is bonkers! (not that!)
Sara is crazy! (Heavens!)
Sara is not schizophrenic (as far as you know)
“Sara is frightened to venture far these days,” Celeste says. (who the hell is Celeste?)
Sara is losing and looking very serious. (losing weight and inches that is…)
Sara is a small-town girl with a big dream (which dream though?)
Sara is more comfortable with ideas than with people (sometimes this is true…especially after a long trying day at the ID)
Sara is a highly intelligent young girl who is slated for an Ivy League school (woohoo! More school loans!)

Can you smell it?

I made an actual apple pie last night – crust from scratch, peeled those apples, mixed it all up. TOO COOL! Too bad I won’t/can’t/shouldn’t eat it. I did smell it a lot…does that suck the flavor out of it? Because if so, there’s no flavor left in it then. It was a lot of fun to make. I felt very domestic. Too bad I’m not domesticated. :) I’ll have pictures sometime soon of it. If you want pictures now, buy me a digital camera.

Things are going well…winter is here and it’s okay. I’m starting to slump into melancholiness (is that a word?). I don’t think it’s the weather…just the holiday season. Ugh. And I love Christmas, it just doesn’t quite seem like it is Christmas yet (I know, I know – it’s not even Thanksgiving yet). Maybe I’m losing the excitement of the season now that I’m older. Maybe I’m just tired. I am planning to decorate the desk tomorrow afternoon – stockings for the kids, maybe a tree, lights of course. Maybe that’ll help get me into the spirit. I don’t know. I need to kiss a boy. There we go. I’ve said it. :)

OH one joyful thing – I can now pull my jeans off without unsnapping or unzipping…maybe time to shop, eh?

and today, boys and girls, the word is...

Procrastination. Yes that was the word for me. As we were growing up, my parents had a word or phrase connected with all of us kids. One of the kids had ‘consideration’. Mom and Dad used that one a lot. Mine was procrastination. I am the queen of procrastination. I think this is why deadlines are so much better for me. I remember in college, one of our profs would say, “get it in when you can.” He was the only prof I EVER knew who actually acknowledged that students were swamped with so much and often couldn’t get everything done on the prof’s timeframe. The bad part was that I, being the procrastinator, would then put off his papers until the last possible moment - that moment when Dr. L would sit me down and say, “I really do need these papers in by next Thursday.” Then I would hunker down and get them done, cursing myself the whole time for not doing them when they were initially due and cursing him for letting me get away with putting them off (it really was his fault, you know).

Well, I’m back in this same state today. I have a project I must get done today but I have no desire to do it. I’ve been putting it off for 3 months, mostly because I’ve been busy with other projects, but today is the day I must get it done. And it bites. Joy.

the beast has awakened

So my horoscope today says this: “You may not know about it just yet, but someone's resentment is taking on a life of its own from behind the scenes, and you may well be at the heart of the situation. But this doesn't mean you caused it, or that you should feel guilty about it. You're in control of what you do, not what others do. So when and if something that's not quite fit for the public emerges, there's no reason for you to feel accountable.” I don’t take a lot of stock in horoscopes but it makes me pause when I read this one.

We had our monthly SEC meeting this week, and I thought it went very well. We had a discussion about a couple things, then SED and finished with a little activity (one I really liked, but I’m not sure how the others felt – heaven forbid we do an activity) and I left feeling like we accomplished some things and had a good hour. I haven’t always felt this way, but this one felt good. Then the next day I was told, “Rumor has it the meeting didn’t go so well yesterday.” After a little discussion with my source, it came down to one of the committee members wasn’t happy and talked to someone else who then talked to someone else and so on…

So what happened? What went wrong that made the meeting go poorly? We’re supposed to be an enrichment committee and having dissention within the committee isn’t going to help. Is it me? Am I too pushy? Maybe I should step down. I’m to the point of physical exhaustion when I hear these things come up. It makes me feel inadequate – b/c I must be doing something wrong, but no one will speak up and tell me that I’m being a putz or whatever. And then reading this horoscope worries me because the rumors that go around are so detrimental to any teamwork that we try to encourage. I almost feel like I should hold a special session and make it completely a ‘chair’ roast – I’ll just sit there and they can just speak their piece – yell at me, tell me off, call me all the names in the book, and I’ll soak it all in. Then at least I’d know where I stand with them.

Really, it’s not like I need to be on this committee. It’s one I believe in though – trying to help our fellow staff members to have some feeling of belonging and importance. So much of the importance goes on the students and faculty here (rightfully so), so having this committee focusing on us, the staff, is a good thing. But maybe I’m not doing my job well enough to accomplish this. I just don’t know.

Now I’m re-reading the horoscope and I know the last two sentences state I don’t need to feel responsible, but I do. Nature of the beast I guess.

overheard...

...being said to a lesbian:

"Go get him, girl!"

Huh?

Filler

I really have nothing to say here but I want to get something down so maybe you won’t read the crappy poem in my previous post. SO winter has come. Yesterday was fall, today is winter – and not just cooler weather…no IT’S WINTER! Now, while I love the snowfall, I hate the cold and today it’s really windy, which just makes it worse.

Today is Mark’s b-day, so I, of course, made more cookies to take to choir tonight (plus a small plate for Debbie). I love baking. It’s going to be my downfall, I fear. I’m going to try an apple pie again this weekend, but with a real crust I make myself. Just need to get the rolling pin.

I’m looking hot today and no one has said a word. Makes me sad. Oh well. I’ll just have to relish in my own hotness and leave it at that.

Reflections

Mirrors suck. I have never been a fan of mirrors always feeling fat and ugly when looking at myself (the mirror adds 10 pounds! – oh wait, that’s cameras…well, same difference). At my gym, there are mirrors everywhere. usually I try to read something while I run or watch the tv, which can be detrimental to your health when you trip while watching, but last night both options were unavailable. So what do you look at? Do you watch the numbers increasing – both in calories, in time spent, in miles passed? Or do you people watch in the mirrors? I opted to watch the mirrors…and OH the things I saw! I sound like Dr. Seuss.

Glancing around, trying to be discreet,
I saw all shapes and sizes of people on their feet.
Some were skinny, some so not;
Some struggling to keep going,
Wanting desperately to stop.
Yet others were taking a ‘Sunday stroll’,
while daydreaming of a future trip to Big Bowl.
Still others were doing as I,
Watching the people as they passed on by.

Private exercise moments abound
As others glance at others around
Hoping to sneak a tiny, quick peek
To see if, as they feel strong, you feel weak.

One woman glides away watching,
On the elliptical, the skinny girls are taunting.
Her anger seems to seep from her pores
As the skinny ones saunter through the doors
A motivator, perhaps?
To encourage her to do more laps?

Over there are the leering men
(must be a girls gym – men out ranked 1 to 10)
They make no attempt to hide their looks, so hard,
From the girls in the short, tight leotards.
You’d think they’d try to hide it,
So they don’t look like total di.. idiots.

I, instead, watched my legs, jogging fast
As I ran to no where and no where at last.
The seemed to be so strong,
Even being short, not long.
My muscles tightened and stretched,
Bringing me off the bench.

I ran and I ran, and then I ran some more
Thank goodness I didn’t fall to the floor.
I stayed upright and breathed in my nose,
And then out my mouth like a little hose.
The breathing kept me steady
And soon I was ready
To stop.

But I just kept going, wanting to make my goal.
I made it and then some, like a little mole,
Digging their way out of the ground
And succeeding by leaps and bounds.

Okay I’m done with the poetry today…that’s really awful.

mellow

I’m feeling disgruntled with my work suddenly.* It’s hitting me how ‘important’ issues really aren’t, we just make them out to be important and then while we’re doing that the truly important issues are getting left in the dust. Energy is being wasted on little nit-picky things and it’s disheartening. How does one change this? How does someone turn their focus around and concentrate on the truly important things while not degrading the other issues, because maybe on some level they are important? What becomes the determining factor of prioritizing? For one person on a committee, it may be one thing, while for someone else it may be completely different. What is the secret for meshing these concerns together without becoming overwhelmed by the petty?

Then again, maybe it’s my attitude causing me to be disgruntled…though I love my job and I really do mean that. working with the people here is great. I love being at the desk and interacting with others, but yet I feel like I could be doing more…but what that more is, seems to be the question of the year.

Maybe I'm just melancholy today. that could be it. Or...
Maybe it’s just that time of year.

*even though today Marilyn thanked me for my ministry of hospitality here at the desk – I apparently turn “Where’s my meeting :(” into “Good morning :)”. I guess that’s a good thing, but is that all I’m good for in this world? no, don't answer that.

jeff

For those of you who know him, this post may mean more to you than others. Ever since our conversation this summer, e&k, I’ve been trying to engage jeff in more conversation. He’s had his set speech, “Hi. It’s already (insert date here). I have congestion. I don’t like congestion. What causes congestion? My favorite Twins player is Jacque Jones. Who’s your favorite Twins player? (insert your reply here). You said your favorite Twins player is (insert name). I like Joe Nathan for a relief pitcher. (by now he’s at the door and maybe replies with … Have a good day).”

Today, I interrupted him right away and asked him, after he gave me the date of course, if he likes Mondays. He stopped…he actually stopped for once and said, “I like Mondays. Do you like Mondays?” I said, “I do like Mondays. It’s nice to have a fresh start.” He said, “Me too. I like the fresh start. It’s nice.” He actually smiled. Can you believe it? Of course, then he went into his spiel again. So I turned the Twins question back on him and said, “Who do you think I should like?” He stopped and turned around and gave me a look like, “You idiot!” so I said the only name I could think of, “I like Torii Hunter.”

OH and the other week I asked him if he was happy hockey was in session again. He said he was. Not a long conversation that time. Today was much better. Usually he says he has a bad memory too. That wasn't in the conversation today. Hmm.

It was pretty cool to have a connection with him again – as much as I could. I’ve been really worried about him. He’s been sick a lot lately – always has a cold, well – congestion, you know – which he hadn’t for a long time. I think back to when he was ‘well’ and how people were scared of him and I regret treating him like I did sometimes – when I was short with him because I just didn’t want to deal with him that night or just wishing he’d go away. He really is a nice addition to the community. I hope he gets better soon.

one more to go?

I totally forgot! Yesterday I was informed that I have completed my degree from the Community College of the Air Force. It’s kind of funny, because I was thinking I needed to get this completed while on my way to SD this weekend and then Jen shows up with a letter telling me to be at the photo shoot in January with my degree in hand. “Uh, what degree?” I asked. Well this one:

The Associate in Applied Science Degree

The associate in applied science degree is offered in the following broad career areas:

• Aircraft and Missile Maintenance
• Allied Health
• Electronics and Telecommunications
• Logistics and Resources
• Public and Support Services

It’s kind of cool, because, basically due to all my other training and education I’m able to qualify for a degree to add to my “I love me” wall collection. Of course I have yet to receive the actual piece of paper confirming this, but oh well. Now the question is: do I start in a PhD program so I can have one of each?

overheard

“You know you’re a liberal when you accept the conservatives.”

“So, tomorrow night…did you want to eat supper?”
In my head, the response: “Really?! I get a choice this time? You’re not going to force feed me like you did last night? OH thank GOD! I was so worried!”

a plethora of nonsense

I'm sorry, did you say 'bubbly'?

In the last two weeks, 3 people have called me "bubbly". Now, for some, this may be a great compliment. But for a former little fat girl, being called bubbly at age 30 isn't so great. I denied it the first time I heard it, the second time I vehemently argued about it, and now with the third I have finally given up. For some reason, I have attracted this title. It's interesting. Maybe my attitude has finally surpassed my negativity I've had for so long, or maybe I'm still just a little fat girl.

Or maybe I’m finally just happy. I’ve become tired of letting things eat away at me like I had. It's nice to just let things go...it's taken me awhile to learn that. I know that there will still be times when I get frustrated and angry but I'm trying to be better about forgiving and forgetting. Why let things hang over my head?

Besides, maybe Elle Woods was right, "Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. And happy people just don't kill their husbands."

Driving thoughts

There are a few things that I absolutely love about living in the cities. One is driving into the city from the 'burbs in the early morning or late at night. The Minneapolis skyline is just incredible. In the morning the buildings look like old building green with the reflection of the sun rising from the east. The darkness of the western sky not yet lit makes a stunning backdrop, illuminating the city 'skyscrapers' as the tower over the rest of us. At night the lights in the buildings, the changing colors on the top of the one, the IDS tower standing tall and sturdy ... amazing.

Yet with all this glory, when I go home to SD I see an amazing, un-manmade world. I can look up as I drive wherever I'm going and see stars - millions of stars lighting the sky. As you drive farther away from Sioux Falls, the night clouds are softly lit with the city lights, giving a pinkish-orangish glow to the sky. The vastness of space and lack of buildings blocking the sky give the feeling of really being a small insignificant nothing...it's incredible.

Weekend Update

I had a great weekend, not that any of you really care, but it was great. Mom and I did our monthly Friday night supper, this time at Champps. It’s always nice to reconnect with her and catch up on life. We used to talk on the phone more but I think I like this better – talking face-to-face is always better. It’s incredible how our relationship has changed over the years.

Saturday night the Hilmoe/Ronning ladies went out for supper, for what used to be our more traditional Girls Night Out. We haven’t done this since just after Jake was born so it was really nice to get together. After we ate and emmy finished her cookie with a full cup of green colored sugar we headed to World Market to check it out. I like that store; too bad I can’t afford anything there. I did get KB her b-day gift but since I didn’t see her this weekend, it’ll give me time to expand on it a bit more.

Sunday was great. For once we finished the paper early and had the thing burned to CD before 2:15pm! I did forget to put the memo in the packet but I think we’ll be okay this month. The paper turned out not too bad. I did have one suggestion to help speed the process along: more cartoons! Too bad we don’t have any cartoons, except clip art, in our paper to begin with. :) nah, we just add more pictures. We were tight for space this month anyway, but in looking at it now that it’s finished I’m sure with more time we could have rearranged a few things and made the other stuff fit. The time pressure to put together a 12 page paper in the space of no more than 16 hours is insane. Oh well, it still looks good. I’d link it here but there is some hesitation to put it out on the web just yet. Long story.

Sunday night I got home and actually put away all my clothes and stuff from the weekend. That’s a first. My apartment looks fairly clean for once, save the boxes by my chair. I’m thinking of going to Depth of Field this week and sucking it up and buying my futon I want. I need something better than the 1962 yellow chair with the springs popping out. I’m not that hard up for money, even though I am hard up for money. It’s just getting to me. Plus, Lisa hinted again that she wants to come up and visit and now that the kids are older and it’s easier to leave them at home for the weekend she may very well follow through. I don’t want her to think I’m living in a hovel, even if it is just a cupboard under the stairs.

a few lurking evils

Last night was a great night. choir went okay – cantorei I got to sit by Steve which is always fun, but I had to sing 1^st alone which was difficult. I haven’t been in very good voice lately. I’m not sure why. Senior choir went okay. Nothing too exciting, just doing my thing. Afterward Debbie and I went to Major’s for a drink to catch up. It’s always good to hang out with her. she’s a good egg. I met up with another friend and his friend at Brit’s following that – Debbie had to go home – which was fun too, but I’m just out way too late lately. The three of us closed the place down, uffda. And of course I awaken at 6 like normal and work all day and now have to drive home for guard weekend. I’m insane.

I keep thinking back to this dream I had last week. Initially I didn’t think too much of it. But the more I thought about it (thanks to the prompting of tre) the more I came to understand it and really relish it. It was pretty crazy – giant spiders and bugs, mom telling me to get it under control, me freaking out about the fumigation, trying to get my kitty out, and then what about my furniture – if I cover it with a sheet so the fumigation stuff doesn’t get all over it, would the giant bugs hide under the sheets and survive?

It was interesting because it seemed to pull together a lot of themes in my life…Tre helped me sort them out:

Spiders==icky creepy crawly dirty; noted the very large size; feelings of helplessness get the impression of a problem that got out of control

Mom yelling==shamed, horrible pathetic for crying about it the situation needs to be taken care of, possibly shamed that it got so out of control

Fumigation==getting rid of undesirables resolving situation

Kitty==source of comfort; good things; don't want it to be mistaken as an undesirable be sure not to lose the comfort, security, the 'good things' in the clean-out process

Tre said: So anyway, my impression is that it has something to do with cleaning things out--could be as basic as your house; but deeper meaning is implied, especially with the cat and it would be a cool dream to do an interview on because you could probably get a lot from it--it seems like a positive and encouraging one. Could apply to your 'self' and changes you are and/or have been working on--i.e. getting rid of the things that you don't like about your self/life situation, while working to maintain and keep safe those things that you determine to be important...The dream itself just made me think back to the past 2-3 months that you've been consciously working to make changes and especially the conversations in which you are trying to get back to your 'self' and who you are and so many things had gotten into your life that were not healthy and not part of who you want to be...and the extra description you sent in this mail has so much more...white is generally a 'pure' color and the fact that it was your 'living' space--and if we take it back to what you've kind of been working on--purifying your self (to the true you) and your living space and the way your 'mom' was involved is also significant, I’m sure...but i really, really think it's like a progress update or something--or possibly a minder--like the kitty and...totally cool...

This was incredible to read after I had told Theresa about the dream. I forget that dreams do have meanings and they are important to consider. Sometimes they can be just dreams, but sometimes they can mean so much more. It’s amazing. And the fact that I really have been working to rid the ‘evils’ of my life and surround myself with ‘good’ is so on the money. I think I still am worried about a few more lurking ‘evils’ and how I can rid myself of them. I think the worry about covering the couch with a sheet and the bugs hiding under and still living is really a viable worry. There are things that, it’s not that I’m not taking care of them, but instead I’m covering them up with excuses and other issues and avoiding them – keeping those evils alive. I was worried about fumigating them as I know that there will be damage. I think some of this has to do with many things (probably why there were so many bugs): my house is one big one, my job is another, my weight (still losing…after all these years), and relationships that go with some of these others.

Life is in constant flux. There are always changes going on, but it makes a real difference in your life when you make a conscious effort to make changes – changing your living arrangements, your weight, your job, your attitude – and all these changes can be really scary, but exciting at the same time. The fear of the unknown can be a driving force for the changes or it can keep you stuck firmly where you are. The question becomes, where do you want to find yourself?

Taking an Off-Season

It’s a little sad when no one comments on your blog. Not that it’s a big deal, but when you have no comments for several days one begins to wonder if it’s just that you’re not writing the right stuff or if your life is just that boring. :)

Now to all of you who may have had a momentary inkling to comment like crazy or even just comment once to say hello, please don’t. It’s okay. I’m just being me…and you know me. Not that you can’t comment in the future, but just don’t feel like you HAVE to. :) This really is just for me, it's just an observance I had...

Anyway…life is going well. I went to the Guthrie last night for the original practices performance of “Measure for Measure” by the Globe Theatre actors. Incredible performance. I wasn’t that familiar with the play, but it really was one of the better ones I’ve seen.

Cah and I had a conference yesterday and heard 5 speakers. One I was looking to hire for our staff day, but then we went to one in the afternoon who was just phenomenal. Some of you sports fans may know him: Walter Bond. He played for UofM from 87-91 and then over 8 years with the Dallas Mavericks, Utah Jazz and Detroit Pistons. He was an incredible speaker. He spoke about having an off-season for work: taking time to work on your work – not a vacation, but a time set aside, at the same time each year, to work on getting better at what you do - getting bigger, stronger and faster, as he said. For some this could be an annual conference, for others (like Bill Gates) take 2 weeks and go away from their workplace, home, family, everything and focus and brainstorm on what would help them improve themselves and their position at work. Really an incredible thought – and why we don’t do this I don’t know. cah mentioned she had always thought we should go away to a hotel or something stay over night and rent a meeting space to talk through things. I think it would be good…especially if we could bring a computer with EMS but no email – since if we had that you know that’s all we’d do. Of course, talk is cheap – follow through is expensive. We can talk about doing this: we can talk about improving ourselves, but if we don’t actually do it, then all this talk about it means nothing, nada, zilch, nein.

weekend tidbits

So the change to the blog has taken place. I officially posted regarding SB on my new blog this morning only. I’ll probably have less comments from people but I’m okay with that. I just needed to keep my life in order. I had a fabulous weekend. Friday night hung out with the girls until they had to make an emergency visit to the vet. Franny had been hit by a car while we were eating dinner and broke her pelvis and tail. Hyde must be wearing off on me since I cared more about this event than I normally would have considering she’s a cat. :) but I was worried for her, and for a1 & a2. It comes down to family. Franny had been part of their lives for 15 years. She’s no longer just a pet, she’s a family member.

Anyway, so our girl’s night was cut super short but that was completely understandable. I actually hung out with a1 & a2 more this weekend than I have in a long time. It was great! We raked the lawn Saturday AM then Sunday afternoon they came down for pie innards and cookies. Then we went to see Prime. Not a bad movie but not as funny as I thought it would be from the ads. They had one outstanding line, which of course I forgot at home today. I’ll have to drop it here tomorrow.

Great weekend overall…I didn’t go into work and successfully had an actual weekend. I refuse to feel guilty for not coming in, even though I’ll be gone to a seminar all day tomorrow and am taking Friday off. What’s the point of working extra the weekend before to make up for taking time off if the time off you’re taking is for time you have worked extra already?

a slight change

I think this may make some folks happy, and others not.

Today I copied all my SB entries (the ones that start with ‘day’) to a new blog. (I will eventually delete them here) Check my profile if you want to read it. I would still love any feedback those other SB and other plan survivors have for me, but I decided to separate them out. So enjoy! :)

I like the idea of camping, but hate it in practice.

I was thinking about camping this morning. Or camps, as it were. And perceptions of people. And naiveté and character judgment and what does that mean for each person as an individual and a group as a whole. There have been times in my life I have wondered if I am a poor judge of character. I seem to lean toward people, not all mind you, but some people who aren’t healthy themselves or healthy for me. I’m not sure what attracts me to them, what supreme force is drawing me toward being in some sort of relationship with them, but I am. Maybe I’m too trusting or just too stupid, and in thinking about it I wonder, then, who the ‘right’ people to be around are?

I made a comment to one of my friends (F1) yesterday about another person (F2) I have occasion to talk with and the F1 said about F2, “He’s someone I wouldn’t ever associate myself with.” My comment had nothing to do with the person in general (just a comment they had made that stuck with me – and it wasn’t even their own…it was a quote from elsewhere) but F1’s comment made me stop to think for a moment because two other separate friends (F3 & F4) have said the same thing about this person. Now I’m not in a close personal relationship with the F2 but if he comes through the occ I’m not about to snub him or not talk to him. And not saying F3 or F4 would either, maybe F1 but I don’t know, but it makes me wonder what is it about this person that keeps people I respect away from him? And then I wonder what would F3 & F4 say to me about F1? Would F1 be someone they also wouldn’t associate themselves with? How’s that for cryptic? And what is the characteristic in me that keeps me friends with all of these people when apparently they don’t get along? What camp do they each belong to and what is the right camp to be in? Is there one right camp? And if there is, how do you REALLY know that it IS the right camp? What characteristics of the camp set it apart from the others make it the better one to choose? And should you choose?

This led me to wonder about the camps in general. When I first got here, ie here, I remember stories about camps – how you couldn’t even sit in the dining room in certain areas if you didn’t belong to a certain ‘camp’. I found it interesting that a so-called Christian institution where you’re taught that Jesus said to love another as yourself (is that a Joel-ism, E?) that so many would segregate themselves from others. (I wonder if this was when the Luther Junior High status began?) So maybe there is a fear…a fear of someone else’s theology or belief rubbing off on themselves that keeps people apart. A fear of the unknown. Or a fear that what you really believe isn’t right and what they believe is and what if you’re doing it all wrong, so instead you cling closer to what you believe to be right, praying and hoping all the way the you’re right and they’re wrong – or at least that you’re right.

So this is where I get confused with relationships. And maybe I’m doing it wrong and that’s why I’m so screwed up. I know there are times when I have associated myself with people who have just not been good for me, and in hindsight I see that those who pointed it out to me were right or I finally figured it out myself (I’m a bit of a slow learner, apparently). But having had that happen to me several times, especially in the very past recent years I worry about the relationships I am in right now. Are my friends, those closest and dearest to my heart, ones that are truly good for me? Are my acquaintances people I should keep close or should I look for others? Can you really look for good people to hang out with? Or do those relationships just happen? What do you look for in the people you hope to be your friend? And if you limit yourself to just people who have these certain characteristics, are you limiting the growth of yourself as a person?

Maybe it’s my SD small-town background that keeps me thinking this way. In HS you had to be involved in everything – or at least most people were. 90% of students were in some sport, most were in Oral Interp at one point or another, most were in band or choir at least for a short time – they had all tried it sometime during their high school years. Many found their niche early, I however stayed in as many groups as I could – Bball (though I warmed the bench), VBall, Boys BBall Stats; Track Stats; Oral Interp; Theatre; Honor Roll; Girls State; HOBY; All State Choir; Augie Band Fest; regular Band; regular Choir; FHA; Girl Scouts; whatever I could be in, I was. I wonder now, looking back if that was due to my mother pushing me to be involved or because I was (and am) constantly searching for where I fit in. In college my life didn’t change; I was in choir, concert band, marching band, chamber singers, theater, Masquers, SAI, I took extra English classes, I took extra History classes, I took Philosophy, I majored in Music (both Vocal & Instrumental) and minored in Drama and probably close to history and English as it were. I was involved in as much as I could “to get the ultimate college experience” and I left feeling more confused about my future than ever. I thought maybe Seminary could help, but that was the same thing except instead of organizations to join I instead took on jobs so I wouldn’t be in debt. Again, I graduated more confused than ever.

Perhaps focusing on one good thing – whether it’s a friend camp or a major or whatever – really is the way to go. What’s that quote? “It’s better to know a lot about one thing than little about a lot of things.” Does that apply to relationships? Birds of a feather and all that? Is it better to stick with who you know and know them very well than to venture out and know a lot of people just not deeply? Is camping the way to go?

day 88-27

Uffda. I’m so not where I used to be. Recovery time is slower than I remember. Running is difficult after lifting – especially doing flyes. The tension and stiffness in the chest makes it hard to breathe. So alas, I jogged for about 10 minutes last night before flailing my arms up in defeat (they didn’t go very high – it was more of a wrist fling in the end) and called it a night. crashed at 9 and slept til 6am. ahhhhhh

day 87-26

YAY! another smiley for me. Having the afternoon off is beneficial for me. I went to Bally’s and actually lifted some today. It was great but made me realize just how out of shape I am. Kudos to me for drinking Crystal Lite all day – it’s an indulgence really since it tastes like Kool-aid but Keith said it was cool since I’m getting my water intake then. Considering I go through two nalgene’s during the day and then more when I get home, I’m doing pretty well. I should be drinking more, but at least I’ve cut back on the DC/splenda mix. Plan to run tonight. I’m liking this gym thing. And Jay said he’d help me again with workouts if I need. I have old ones but those were written after 2 hard core months working out with him. I tried one yesterday and though it wasn’t bad I shouldn’t be this sore – especially having had a massage 2 hours after. Something to work on, I guess. But then I always have something to work on.

just for those wondering...

I don’t have kinney’s hours. I am not his keeper.

I don’t know when the mail goes out.

I don’t know when they put mail in the boxes.

I don’t have combinations for boxes.

I don’t assign mailboxes.

I don’t know the hours of the mailroom other than what is listed on the door.

If they aren’t there, they probably aren’t open or they are on a run. Check the door for times.

If the labels say: To LS or some name that is associated here…it’s probably incoming.

If the labels say: From LS or some name that is associated here…it’s probably outgoing.

By the way, I don’t work in the mailroom.

Afternoon off, part 2 – aka Ball Dimples

Today I went to Keith for my first ever massage. It was fabulous, and he’s hilarious besides. He showed me this massage thing with a golf ball (after we had finished the main session). Really cool. I asked if Top Flight was his preferred brand of golf ball for this exercise and he said, “No, maybe Nike would be better.” Maybe he could be their spokesperson, I said. He replied, “I could. It’s really all about the number of dimples on the balls that make them beneficial.”

Afternoon off, part 1

Yesterday was great. I took the afternoon off since I have about a month’s worth of comp time to use up – not that that will probably ever happen but I’ll try – and cah and I went to the History Museum to see the Bridal exhibit. It was pretty cool…they had also sorts of dresses to look at and history of some of the ‘rituals’ people do. Then, since we had paid $8 to get in, we went through the Pulitzer Prize Photograph exhibit. This was incredibly cool. I love photography anyway, and to see some of the best shots over the past decades in a huge display was amazing. Each photo had a description, and it made me curious since a lot were taken haphazardly, (one of JFK and Ike through the legs of JFK’s secret service agent – the photographer claimed he was clearing the film in his camera or something), very few were planned shots. For example, the famous one of the Marines raising the flag after WWII (or Vietnam, I can never remember the actual war – sad for a military girl) was a lucky shot. The photographer was actually watching another flag rising and happened to turn around at the right moment and snapped the shot. Besides, luck, there’s a lot of patience in photography, which me being impetuously impatient it’s no wonder I don’t get very good shots. Something to work on I guess…that and getting a better camera.

After the museum I went home – it was about 4pm…crazy. I did a load of laundry then headed to the airport to visit Jay. That seems like prison lingo or something. “I’m at the airport visiting a friend.” Anyway, he had a layover and I had a book I needed to get to him so it all worked out. It was so good to see him and talk like we used to. He’s going to help me with workouts again, once I try out an old one I have from him first.

After the museum I headed to Bally’s to sweat off the day’s events, then home to crash. I got a call from my roomies and landlord throughout the night. we’re going to chat about how to cover the costs of heating this winter. It’s really unfair that a1 & a2 have to cover the costs – I wish I had been thinking when I signed on 2 years ago, but at that point I was told heating and electric was only like $80 a month on the budget plan so if I contributed to the water costs then it would break even. Well, that hasn’t been the case but I so can’t afford to do much more than what I am. It’ll be interesting to see what comes of all this.

Day 85-24, 86-25

Monday was a good day, in accordance to food, until I got home and popped in my standard SB pizza (this is becoming almost automatic when I walk in – not a good sign) and realized that I have chicken thawing that I should be baking instead! So did I bake it on Tuesday? Nooooooooo. I had a meal replacement bar instead. BUT, BUT I did make it to Bally’s Tuesday night – ran for 1.5 miles steady, increasing speed every few minutes or so, then dropped down and jogged a bit, then increased my incline and jogged on that (6.0 inc at 4.5) for a few minutes, then dropped my incline down to 0 and ran at 6.5 for 3 minutes, then walked it all off. I need to work on slowing my heartrate so I kept my hands on the sensors as I did my cool down to see if I could slow it down even while walking. It worked but not the best. Something to work on I guess.

There was dancing!

This weekend was good, shockingly enough. The dance went really well which made me really happy. I had to book the band and so I immediately called my favorite band, The Jaztronauts. They do a mix of stuff, but mostly jazz and small combo stuff – not big band, as they said they’re about 14 members short to do true big band music. They were great though. Very funny. The last hymn before the postlude was "Let All Things Now Living" (LBW#557) and as I was preparing the band to start after Ferg finished his postlude they said, “You know this song right now is on our playlist tonight. We actually do this one.” Haha…okay, the way I wrote it, it wasn’t funny. You had to be there. ANYWAY, I couldn’t believe that people were actually dancing! Seminary people DANCING – dancing in the NARTHEX! Get this, those of you who know them: Bill and Anita Smith shaking their bootie on the dance floor! Mike and Eva, Rick and Nina, Rick’s brother Karl even! It was great! Students showed up, too! It really was a great feeling, knowing that people enjoyed themselves and I had a small part in it.

The weekend otherwise was fine. I really had little to do with the whole event, other than helping cah out with tasks. But Rick is officially installed and everything was great. Now the board is here and we’re still on our toes.

Oh, and I met a guy. :)

Days 81-20, 82-21, 83-22, 84-23

I was going to start this with, “The weekend went fairly well” but then I realized that this is including even last Thursday. I’m such a blogging loser. Oh well. The weekend (and Thursday) went fairly well. :) I eat my South Beach stuff, which is good, but I’ve been skipping my usual breakfast in lieu of the replacement bars. I need to get back to the eggs. They’re so yummy and probably better for me. This week, seriously I’m going to work on this. Smilies this weekend for walking everywhere! for all these events and for dancing Saturday night. Sweating counts for exercise, right? :)

day 80-19

80 days. ‘Round the world in 80 days. I feel ‘round the world. Actually not too bad. I think I am a bit skinnier but it’s so hard to tell. I’ve been stagnant with exercising and losing. Not good. Must. Go. To. Bally’s. To. Night.

day 79-18

Not bad today. breakfast/meal-replacement bar for breakfast (obviously), subway wrap for lunch, sb pizza for supper – lots of dc with splenda though. Otherwise not bad for food. Oh wait, I had a tiny smoothie in the afternoon. That was okay but not probably the best option. Didn’t make it to bally’s last night. I’m so pathetic. I opted to catch up on tv instead and do my laundry – so Numb3rs, Desperate Housewives and Grey’s Anatomy and 2 loads of laundry and early to bed instead of running my ever-growing ass off.

i've been back 4 hours

And nothing has changed. I thought it might have…maybe because I was able to change a little while being gone, but nothing has changed. I locked myself in the hole for an hour before letting anyone know I was here…time to blog, time to sift through the emails, time to gather my thoughts back into this world after being in a world of … almost make-believe (and at one point, Hyde was playing one of the puppets from Mr. Rogers so I’m not exaggerating here). I say make-believe only because it seemed so wonderfully surreal – I was completely away from here and calm and relax. I checked into work once via phone, only because I realized I need to see if joe had responded regarding our meeting today – a vital meeting and well worth the time. But 2 minutes into making my presence known, everything was back to last week – bitching ensued, complaints, stress, resentment, and anger - I actually had moments of disgust that people couldn’t look past the little things and it wasn’t just disgust at them, but at myself because I started to feel myself sucked into it and I stepped back to fight the suction into the hole. I hope I can continue to step back…I don’t want to get sucked in again, and I fear I will – the nature of the beast maybe… I’m not sure…but I really hope I can stay strong and avoid the swirling cesspool of these games. There is so much more to life. e and j were on the money today…these little things seem so petty compared to the other issues of life.

days 75-14, 76-15, 77-16, 78-17

Let's just say, i enjoyed the food I ate and I will relish this weekend for a long time. for the sake of my thighs, i cannot visit e&k like that again for a little while. but ooooohhhhhh it was good.

sabbatical

Five hours on the road twice this weekend. Once to Nashotah, once back to here. Both rides took me through a plethora of beauty. Bright reds, yellows, oranges, smattered amidst evergreens and plowed fields, ready for the winter. I was blessed to have perfect weather for both trips – bright sun overhead, igniting life and light within the forests – illuminating the colors so brightly it was breathtaking. I loved seeing the bright yellows, sparkling in the sunlight, glistening and shimmering with the wind. My favorite were the trees whose leaves were bright yellow close to the trunk and darker orange as they emerged – they looked like they were on fire. Other clumps of reds, yellows and oranges were surrounded by evergreens, making them look like bouquets with blossoms so bright and ready to be picked and passed on to a new love. It was just beautiful.

My whole weekend was fabulous. Kandees was remarkable. The trip itself was great – I haven’t had much opportunity over the past years to see the colors change. Generally my guard weekends fall the the first of the month, so the beginning of October everything still looks like summer, and by the first weekend in November, everything has fallen and is ready for winter. Seeing the colors was a great bonus.

The bestest part ever was spending oodles of time with k&e. they had a busy weekend – with moving and funerals and preaching and movie meetings and just icky meetings – for them to make time to spend with me was such a gift. I needed this trip away from work, just to regroup and to be able to spend that time with two people I love and a cat I adore was so incredible.

The weekend had its great memories: Sunday morning locks; “it’s like…dairy”; fish fry; boxes; the bunker; theo conversations; conversations in general; heads banging on the many lights; mice or gophers?; Hyde the protector; Marty’s; the hottie at Water Street; Fongs; Cardinals – woohoo!; drinking, and drinking, and drinking; “achoo”; “It’d be much cooler if you did”; duraflame baby; and well I know there are more, but I want to savor some myself. Not that any but k&e will get these anyway… :)

i'm so excited

“How excited are you, moe?” you might ask today as you see me grinning from ear to ear even though I’m stressed beyond belief at the pile of crap I must finish before noon. “Well, dear ------,” I reply, “I’m so excited I feel like my sister watching David Cassidy on the Partridge Family.”

Okay, no, really – that’s funny. Or maybe it’s just funny in my weird family.

So I’m so excited because I get to go to kandees, WI, today (pronounced k and e’s, get it?). yes I’m a dork, but I’m just so excited! YAY YAY YAY

Or maybe I’m just delirious. I was up late last night trying to figure out what to pack. I went to bed shaking my head because it shouldn’t have been THAT hard to pack for a weekend trip. Then I realized it on my way to work (late) this morning – the last time I went on a REAL LIVE vacation that didn’t involve guards, work or sd was Oct 2002 when I went to Tex-ass for heidi and mike’s wedding. I mean, I’ve been gone places – Dec 02 – Turkey, Guards; July 03 –Denver, LS; May 04 – Israel, Guards; Oct 04 – San Antonio, Guards; Feb 05 – Maryland, Guards; June 05 – WI, Guards; but now, finally, I’m taking a REAL LIVE vacation. (See, you have to put REAL LIVE in all caps because of the importance of the fact it is a REAL LIVE vacation – as opposed to a real dead one).

This is just sad though…why? Why has it taken me SO long to take a real vacation – no thoughts of work, no thoughts of guards, no thoughts of family…just me and my friends chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool and all shootin' some b-ball outside of the school (sorry, high school flashback). This just seems wrong – besides the fact I’m quoting that theme song (and the fact I still know it ALL word for word – what a sad commentary on my youth) – it shouldn’t have taken me this long to actually get away from it all.

Anyway, whatever the reason – workaholicism, insaneness, stupidity, whatever – I’m going to enjoy this weekend. (I just hope k and e do too!)

day 74-13

okay day – it’s funny. I went out to lunch today with cah today and I’m finding that I don’t even want the bun when I order a burger – it just seems wrong. No smiley for me today – though I should have since the fish fry is on for Friday – but it’s okay. I worked late and then had to pack and clean before leaving for the weekend. I have bally’s booked in my calendar for next week so there can be no excuse anymore. (unless I get a hot date or something – HAHA! – I crack myself up!)

day 73-12

Good day, other than the ice cream which tasted SO good, though I did feel like crap most of the day – not just from the ice cream. Had a chair massage at 11am (keith says I have too much tension – must go see him), took a nap when I got home, went to choir and crashed early. I finally slept through the night for once! YAY! and I’m looking hot today. I have my santa shirt on and my skinny gray pants. Damn, am I one hot woman. HA!

I can't think of an appropriate title

The staff enrichment committee I’m on is toying with starting up prayer partners among the staff here at work, at least trying it during Advent. Having recently become one for Advent LC, I’m really excited about this idea. Part of the committee’s purpose is to “make a contribution toward the enhancement of working relationships”. In the corporate world, I know this idea would never fly, but we have a unique situation here that we can embellish on.

Over the years I have worked here I have seen a lot of close, mostly interdepartmental, relationships which leads to a lot of segregation and separation amongst the staff. At gatherings it becomes a time of these small groups – generally from the same areas – gathering around their table and avoiding contact with anyone they don’t normally work with. It’s sad, though I know I did, and sometimes still do, it, too. There something comforting in being with the people you know and this prayer partner thing would directly contradict this notion. That appeals to me.

Maybe I’m an exception to this rule. I’ve come to not mind venturing out and getting to know other people in other sections. The last gathering we had I chatted with SR’s, library staff, faculty, child care, dean’s office…I basically mingled about while I know others just stayed where they felt the most comfortable. It’s not just in social situations either. I have been asked by countless others to talk to persons they aren’t comfortable with because they know I will do it and I “get along with them.” The latter isn’t necessarily true, but others think I do. Maybe it’s my “kill ‘em with kindness” motto that gets me in these situations.

I wish there was some way I could help others understand the need to have a different kind of relationship with their co-workers. I know that there are people in this world that you just wouldn’t want to have contact with outside of this place, but you still have to work with them. You don’t have to invite them to your wedding or kid’s bar mitzvah, but if you can’t tolerate them at all in a social setting, then why are you here?

This isn’t a new thought for me…there have been times, even recently, that I have just loathed this place and some the people here. But I also know that there are a lot more good people here, many I want to know better. Some are just quirky, some have interesting hobbies that I know I don’t know about, some are just downright nice people – I don’t want to miss out on an opportunity to get to know them just because it’s out of my comfort zone.

Then again, what is my comfort zone? I’ve always said I’m an introvert and I still say that today. I have to be an extrovert at work, due to the nature of my job, and sometimes I think maybe I go over the top just so I can fight past my flight nature to run and hide and get away from these crazy people. Instead I become one of the crazy people and I think that has helped me to grow immensely in figuring out who I am and who I want to be.

Of course my other fear is that I’m trying to make people into being how I am, with my ideals. What if I’m wrong? What if I’m coming off all Hitler-like? That wouldn’t be good.