the beast has awakened

So my horoscope today says this: “You may not know about it just yet, but someone's resentment is taking on a life of its own from behind the scenes, and you may well be at the heart of the situation. But this doesn't mean you caused it, or that you should feel guilty about it. You're in control of what you do, not what others do. So when and if something that's not quite fit for the public emerges, there's no reason for you to feel accountable.” I don’t take a lot of stock in horoscopes but it makes me pause when I read this one.

We had our monthly SEC meeting this week, and I thought it went very well. We had a discussion about a couple things, then SED and finished with a little activity (one I really liked, but I’m not sure how the others felt – heaven forbid we do an activity) and I left feeling like we accomplished some things and had a good hour. I haven’t always felt this way, but this one felt good. Then the next day I was told, “Rumor has it the meeting didn’t go so well yesterday.” After a little discussion with my source, it came down to one of the committee members wasn’t happy and talked to someone else who then talked to someone else and so on…

So what happened? What went wrong that made the meeting go poorly? We’re supposed to be an enrichment committee and having dissention within the committee isn’t going to help. Is it me? Am I too pushy? Maybe I should step down. I’m to the point of physical exhaustion when I hear these things come up. It makes me feel inadequate – b/c I must be doing something wrong, but no one will speak up and tell me that I’m being a putz or whatever. And then reading this horoscope worries me because the rumors that go around are so detrimental to any teamwork that we try to encourage. I almost feel like I should hold a special session and make it completely a ‘chair’ roast – I’ll just sit there and they can just speak their piece – yell at me, tell me off, call me all the names in the book, and I’ll soak it all in. Then at least I’d know where I stand with them.

Really, it’s not like I need to be on this committee. It’s one I believe in though – trying to help our fellow staff members to have some feeling of belonging and importance. So much of the importance goes on the students and faculty here (rightfully so), so having this committee focusing on us, the staff, is a good thing. But maybe I’m not doing my job well enough to accomplish this. I just don’t know.

Now I’m re-reading the horoscope and I know the last two sentences state I don’t need to feel responsible, but I do. Nature of the beast I guess.