Okay, I usually censor and edit this stuff a lot more but the following was my basic writing exercise of just write/type while you can and while you're thinking, yet don't think. I debated on posting but I thought, why the hell not? So here you go:
Today I decided I'd blog throughout the day and post tonight. I haven't been as conversational lately as I was all last year. It's not that I don't have anything to talk about, I'm just trying to weigh the pros and cons of discussing what I want to talk about and what I should talk about.
So I thought while I'm at work I'll jot a few things down as they come to my head. I don't want to take up too much of my day, but I'm not that motivated today anyway. Bosses1-3 are out this morning and it's cold in my office so all I really want to do is just curl up on my chair, or maybe Boss1's leather couch, and take a nap.
One of the things on my mind is dating. I love the double standard that is in place in society. Men want/expect women to tell them what they want; no subtle hints allowed because men can't read our minds, apparently. Yet, a woman is just supposed to "figure out" that a man isn't into her because he doesn't call, even if they've been on a few dates that went really well. We, as women, are supposed to be mind readers and understand and comprehend the subtle clues men give off, but heaven forbid they put forth any effort to figure out what we really want. I mean, is it really so damn hard to pick up a phone and say that they don't think things are working out? I would much rather have that then the mind games of trying to figure out why he isn't calling or what I did wrong. This is why I hate dating. I haven't read the book but I'm curious about the movie "He's just not that into you." Is it supposed to empower women? Maybe it's a self-help guide? Or maybe it's just another example of the fools we women make of ourselves over the other gender.
Okay, so I read some excerpts from the book and yeah, I can get that men are stupid, or maybe simple is the word, and if they don't call they don't like you. But then I kind of wonder what the point of online dating is. Are women just supposed to put their picture up and hope that some decent guy will email them? We're not supposed to look for Mr. Right? I kind of lean on Lisa Kudrow's character in P.S. I Love You where she asks these guys she meets basic questions, "Are you single? Are you gay? Are you working?" And she says it's because she deserves the best. She deserves to have the best man for her.
Maybe I need to take the buffet line of dating, as my sister calls it, and take Lisa Kudrow's approach. Maybe I DO need to go out to the bars and see who I can find. Maybe I need to do that, because I do deserve the best.
The problem is, I want a guy to pursue me. So I shouldn't be so crazy upset about the dating double standard I talked about above. I should be able to follow those tactics that if he doesn't call he doesn't like me because the guy is supposed to pursue. My difficulty with that is that I want to know WHY he doesn't like me. What did I do wrong? Am I too fat? Not fat enough? Too short of hair? Too long? Too talkative? Not talkative enough (just wait till he gets to know me)? Too blah? Too much? Or what? Why aren't I good enough for him? What is it about me that makes me second rate?
I'm sure part of it is that I'm very inexperienced when it comes to dating. I don't like doing it. I've never been good at it and because of that I tend to fall hard too quickly. But I suppose I need to get over myself with that too. So again, the buffet style of dating may be the best option.
Of course, going back to the deserving the best part, how do I know what the best is? I've never quite understood the folks who say, "I saw her/him and I just knew." How? HOW did you know? What was the trigger? I'm sure it's different for everyone, but there must be something there. My Dad said that when he saw my mom he just knew. And they were married 6 months later. I always wondered if Mom felt the same way, or if she just went with it because in the 60's that's what you did. Then there's the inevitable question of what if I did meet The Guy and I brushed him off because he didn't seem my type or he pronounced it "supposably". What if I lost my chance with him? Is there another one out there? Or do I settle for whomever pursues me because that's what I'm supposed to do?