A vote of self confidence

This is Stephanie Klein, who is awesome. Enjoy!

Voices 14

My boss and I have a running joke. He started it. A few months back he sneezed a few times and I blessed him, of course, and then he said, "I must be allergic to work." We've kept this going for awhile.

Well, when I get sick, I sneeze. I've graduated to a little cough now, too. Joy. But today I went on one of my sneeze rampages (those of you who know me personally understand this - I think I had 11) and he said, "You must really be allergic to work." I said, "Can I use my sick time then?"

He didn't respond, which was probably wise since I have a pile of work on my desk and I had stupidly hinted this morning on our way to a meeting that we should be playing hooky today (not together) because it was a beautiful 64 all day, blue sky and NO wind.

I really wanted to run today. But I'm so sick that there were points during the day where I had to prop my head up with my hands because it was so heavy it wouldn't stay up on its own.

What also sucked is that my nephew was having a preschool program tonight and I really wanted to go, but he has a little sister and I don't want to get either of them sick.

So I didn't run and just came home after work. Sadly my head kept yelling at me that I should go run. So I compromised. I went for a walk. The fresh air did do me some good for a little while. And the moving helped me to breathe a little better. Hopefully I can get better soon. I desperately need to run.

And because I haven't done this in awhile, I thought I'd share a couple pictures with things that made me happy today.

This is my park. When I run, I run by David all the time.
If you can see, there's a river just beyond the end
of the cement down there on the left.
Across the river there's a nice hill leading up to the bridge.

These are flowers and my new Chuck's.
The latter made me extremely happy today.
I've wanted Chuck's for a very long time and finally I just ordered them.
Aren't they cute? I love, love, love them!

Voices 13

Dis is my voice today.

I slept wid da window open last night and now I hab a code.

And I look like crap.

Sleep tight eberyone!

P.S. Did you ever sneeze so hard your back hurt?

Voice 12

The voice of reason and objectivity can sometimes seem harsh, but let's face it the truth hurts.

Mtanga was totally right today. She commented on my post here where I was being all pathetic and... well, me. I really needed to hear this.

Girl, you are so right. I've been thinking about your comment all day. You're totally right. I can dress how I want to. I think I've dressed the way I have - jeans and tees - because I feel like I live in a hick town. But I don't have to dress that way. I also think that initially when I moved back it was out of comfort having had to dress up all the time before, but now I've just gotten lazy and have slipped into complacency. (My only kudos to myself is that I haven't slipped into swishy pants yet. Thank God for that - at least I've kept some of my standards.)

If I want to feel better and dress better than I need to just step up and do that. Even pink suspenders if I want to. It's funny because I never defend why I like the Indians, so why I'm being so pathetic about what I wear, I don't know.

On a similar note, Andrea asked a good question today. This is my answer: "Today I am willing to receive constructive criticism and advice, especially when it helps me to see that my self-loathing isn't doing me any good and that I can be the person I want to be even if others think it odd."

Thanks, Mtanga.

Voices 11

Happy Mother's Day to those who are celebrating this day.

So many of my friends are mom's or soon-to-be mom's or just became mom's or will be mom's someday in the future. It's a happy time.

Me? I'm a Godmama. I'm so excited about this new venture in my life. Granted I've been a Godmother before - but to boys who are actually my nephews too. So the aunt thing kind of wins out over Godmother (it should probably be the other way around).

But now I'm an honest-to-goodness Godmama. Nika is adorable and I get to meet her in person in less than 2 weeks! Around 10 days, give or take a day - depending on how you count. YAY! I'm going to tell her bunches of stories and spoil her sweeter (instead of rotten). She's so cute and I can't wait to hear all she has to say.

I'm thinking of seeing if Nika would be okay with just calling me the GM. :) That could be fun.

Voices 10

This really has nothing to do with voices other than the voices in my head wishing I could be better looking and not look like crap.

I'm watching the Princess Diaries tonight. I love Larry Miller. He cracks me up. He plays Paolo in this movie where he makes-over Mia.

There was a lot of controversy (well, some) when this movie first came out - people complaining that it made it seem like only women with straight hair (not curls like Mia has originally) and women without glasses are worthy of being princesses (or something like that...I just remember the few stories about it).

Anyway, some of the things they do make me nervous - like plucking eyebrows (I probably should do this but I'm scared to start) and it seems everyone wears dresses all the time. Of course I'm not feeling the hottest today so that could be part of it. And it could be that Glamour says you should declare 90-days of being pant free - meaning you should wear dresses and show off those hot legs. And the fact that I haven't shaved my legs since the beginning of April (I know, "ew", but really...who's feeling my legs anyway? no one) and I haven't been running near enough makes me all the more nervous about trying to move into a dress regime, let alone shorts.

I would like to up the ante in my wardrobe though. Beege was talking about wardrobes where you have some basic pieces and build around them. My friend Grant used to talk about his sister and how she had built one of her sets of wardrobes around blacks and reds and anything in her suitcase she could make an outfit out of because everything went together. I had commented to Beege that I have a basic wardrobe - jeans and black t's.

It saddens me a little because I used to sort of dress up when I had my other job - I had to look at least professional. Not that I wore dresses because they weren't always practical in my job, but I at least wore more than jeans. In fact, in that job the only time I wore jeans was on weekends. Now I'm in them all the time - after work, weekends, any time I can.

But I miss dressing up. I need a make over. I remember reading once that Jennifer Aniston said she had to be taught fashion when she first became famous. I wish I could have that. Of course I want to lose like 20 some pounds first, but I really need help.

Of course I could dress up - I still have all my "dress shirts" that I bought the month before I was hired for my current job. Stupid me didn't return them and I have never worn them. So I could. Mark S (*sigh* - you can't say his name without sighing - trust me - K&E you know who I'm talking about - Scott's bro-in-law...*sigh*) ..anyway...he used to dress up on days when he had a lot to do. It was his strategy to keep him motivated and get work done. I tried it a few times and it really worked. Maybe I should try that again.

I mean, I look at these super cute spring and summer dresses in Glamour and Cosmo and other mags and I really wish I could wear those. I wish I could look sophisticated instead of a college kid. It's no wonder people think I'm 23 instead 33 as I am. Not that that's a bad thing, but if it's based on what I'm wearing, that's not good. I love my jeans and t's and I know I'll never get rid of them, but maybe I'm wearing them too much.

But truly - I want to learn how to style my hair. I want to wear dresses without feeling like I'm a fraud. Can someone really change? Mia does it, but of course that's Hollywood. Can someone like me - a lamo who wears a uniform and hair in a make-shift bun most of the week, and jeans and a low braid the rest of the week - can I learn how to dress better and look better? Can I wear dresses and look classy without feeling like a fraud?

My other fear: I have an opera I'm attending in a month and I have nothing to wear and I want to look hot. I'm scared I won't be able to pull it off. Not that the boys care what I wear - they've told me to be comfortable and one said I could even wear a pantsuit if I wanted - but I feel like I should dress nicer. It's an opera! And E! is wearing a tux. I want to look hot on his arm. Can I make it?

Smile time! RAK with chai

Okay, one more thing... yesterday BB and I were chatting about random acts o' kindness and such.

I had stopped into Starbucks yesterday on my way to the dentist but because I wasn't getting my usual drink I went inside so I didn't throw off my order. I actually was picking up a tall non-fat chai for KC which I had promised her I would do Wednesday afternoon during the time I was blocking out the fact I had to get a crown the next day. Anyway...I went in and was chatting with the gal who usually makes my drink and I saw BB in the drive thru. We waved and blah blah blah.

Later that day I stopped in to say hi and we got to talking about a time she had bought drinks for some of her friends who were in the drive thru while she was inside putting in her order. But she mentioned how she's always wanted to buy the drinks for whoever was behind her in line, but she never had. I said I had the same thought but I never had either. Usually I didn't have enough cash on me or I just chickened out at the last minute.

Well today, I decided I was going to do it. I know this isn't a big thing, but I wanted to take a step and do something for someone else. So I had my cash ready (and extra just in case they ordered a lot) and drove up to the window. I think I threw off the cashier (not the normal gal) when I said I wanted to buy for the person behind me. It took her awhile to figure out how to do it. I don't know why she just didn't ring up mine and then ring up the next one. But whatever. To each his own.

But then I did one more thing, and now I'm not sure if this was the right thing. I asked the lady to give the person behind me a Smile card I got from here when they pulled up. I probably didn't need to give the card, I could have done without it, but I did anyway.

Of course, when I tried to leave I wanted to sneak out into traffic super quick so they wouldn't take down my license number or anything and start stalking the crazy lady who bought them their coffee for the morning, but of course traffic was super busy.

The weird thing, I felt nervous and unsure the entire time I did it. I'm not sure if that means I shouldn't be doing it or I need to do this more. Who knows.

Voices 9

This was not the day for me to speak or write. I totally screwed up multiple times today. So much so that I'm vegging tonight at home.

It started with me not inviting Boss2 to the breakfast across the street. Guys in the other shop occasionally make their own version of McMuffins (MOC-Muffins, for those who understand). Anyway, Kim and I have our system for muffin day - she doesn't like egg and I don't like cheese so we swap. She gets double cheese (and ham) and I get double egg (and ham - one of the few times I actually eat pork). It's awesome.

Well, usually Boss2 is gone when we have these. Once, after the guys called me for breakfast, I invited Boss2 over too. Well, I got schooled on that quickly. So this morning I just snuck out. (Shame). Well, eventually JP called him and invited him over. Boss2 showed up and I was still there. He was annoyed. "I thought you were my wingman for this...but no, you just sneak out without saying a word." Whoops.

Then later, JonG was looking for someone to help with a new hire and so I called Boss2 on his phone, thinking maybe he was at lunch. Well, no...he was at a meeting with Boss1 and other higher ups which I had completely spaced. Whoops again.

Then I was emailing my friend GB and totally messed up almost every line. I couldn't formulate a sentence, nor follow a train of conversation. It was bad.

THEN...wait...I think I blocked that one.

Anyway...my voices are pretty much empty tonight.

Danger, danger...

If any of you are still looking for a birthday gift for me, you know in case you forgot or just don't know when my birthday is and you want to celebrate me on some random day of the year...or in case you're into the Baptismal Day celebration (which would be Sunday for me)...

...then please...I would love these! :)

The link is here, just in case you feel so moved. MoMA has some awesome stuff.

Group

Tonight was group night on two levels. One, it was Bunco night and the final night for the season. I've been in the lead overall since last month's awesome game night, so tonight everyone was out for blood (so to speak - we really do just play for fun).

Anyway, I was having a crappy night. Julie just needed 100 points more than me to take first place. And it was very possible with the way I was rolling. I felt really bad for Nikki. It was her first night out, we were partnered up toward the end of the games and had 43 points on the books when suddenly she rolled a Snake Eyes and wiped out our score. Apparently my face just dropped. She felt so bad! I have to make it up to her tomorrow. I need to find something to give her because I don't want her to feel bad.

In the end, I won by a few points - not by much but enough. We divide up the overall pot to the top 4 winners so I got 40% of the pot, or $60. Nice. I needed that.

I felt bad because normally the winner buys the gals a round at the end but Tre had emailed yesterday wanting to see Group. We don't spend much time together and so when we can I try to. The show was at 8 and we're usually done by 7:30 so it worked out, except for me having to ditch everyone.

The show was good, though probably one I'd only see once. No offense folks, if you tag back to me here. It was interesting and at one point Tre leaned over and said there was too much chaos going on at the same time. Luckily this was only during one portion of the musical so it wasn't too overwhelming. I thought the Freud/Mother segment wasn't needed. It really wasn't needed for a costume change since a 15 minute intermission followed, but I'm not the director or writer.

Overall it was a good show. And of course, I'm a sap so I teared up at parts but nothing overwhelming like I've had occasion to do in the past.

But now I'm exhausted. I've been busy every single night this week, which is unusual for me. Tomorrow night I'm totally vegging.

Voices 8

"Holy mother of all that is good and pure! DAMN!"

That is what was going through my head just 30 minutes ago as my awesome dentist cemented my new crown to my very live tooth.

Dr. R and I debated on what to do. I was using the gas, which is always pleasant, but we decided not to numb me up to put the tooth on. I'm really glad we didn't because I wouldn't be able to enjoy my jelly donut as I am right now if I had had the Novocaine.

But because we didn't, the room temperature cement going onto my very live, body-temped tooth, stung like a bee-atch. Add to that the tapping of the crown onto my live tooth and holy shit. I teared up which didn't help because then Dr. R felt bad. But once everything settled into place she asked if I would have preferred the Novocaine and been numb for 3 hours.

"Hell, no." I hate being numb. You can't function, you can't talk, you can't eat (and I like to eat). So those 5 minutes of pain and the dull throbbing I have now, which will go away with more Ibuprofen, is nothing. I'm much happier now than if I'd be sitting here drooling and trying to function.

So I'm celebrating my pain with a jelly donut. And then I need to go to work. joy.

Voices 7

The voices in my head are mad at me.

Very, very mad.

They keep telling me that the weather is beautiful and I really need to be spending time outdoors, but I've been ignoring them. I hear what they have to say (multiple times in multiple voices, dialects and accents) but I've been ignoring them.

Instead the last two days I have spent extra time at work. Yesterday it took red meat, but today it just took some Peeps and I was in the zone. I cleaned up my office. I can find my desk again. I straightened out some files and labeled others so I know where my projects are when I need them. And I'm feeling pretty good about it all.

All except the fact that I didn't go run. Man, it was gorgeous tonight and the voices are still yelling at me for not going out to run. Last night it wasn't as bad because it was raining, but tonight...man.

Egads! They're still yelling! Make them stop!

Voices 6

This is one those days where I just wish I could have stayed in bed. In fact my head was telling me to do that most of the day... "Moe...go home...you have comp time...use it...go home." But I didn't. I stayed and worked.

But it was a pathetic day on the work front. I couldn't get or stay focused. My mind kept rolling and not stopping on one thing. It just wasn't good.

Finally I gave up, told Boss2 I was going to go home for an hour or so and regroup and then come back and work. I hadn't taken a lunch so it sort of became a really late lunch. Luckily he's cool with plans like that on occasion (I can't make a habit of it).

So while I was driving home I was trying to figure out what I should have for dinner. I began replaying in my head what I've had the past few days. That conversation went like this:

Last night, chicken
Sunday night, chicken
Saturday night, chicken
Friday night - cheese pizza with chicken
Thursday, scrambled eggs (a form of chicken)
Wednesday, chicken
Tuesday, chicken wings at BW3s
Monday, I didn't eat because my mouth was numb - that was an ice cream night
Sunday, chicken
Saturday, chicken - at Chevy's no less
Friday, pizza with chicken
Thursday, chicken
Wednesday, chicken
Tuesday, chicken
Monday, scrambled eggs (a form of chicken)

Do you see a pattern? Yeah, I did and it was scary. My mind was listless (despite the list) and I realized my lack of focus was in that I haven't had red meat in a very, very long time. Even when I went to my niece's birthday we had pork (I think) which I rarely eat, but we all know that pork is the other white meat.

This has happened to me before. Usually I don't go over a month (possibly more this time, I stopped counting after three weeks of chicken) without something - roast beef, a hamburger, steak, something. But it has been awhile. And I know I could probably substitute the iron and fortification I get from red meat with vitamins but I always forget to take them.

So on my way back to work (yes, I went back) I grabbed a hamburger kids meal at BK. Not only did a get an invisible ink pen which works, I got my focus back. I went back and holed up in my office for 3 hours and got a ton of work done. It was great. I feel so much better. I have energy and life again. I even read tonight which I haven't done in awhile either.

My apologies to all you vegetarians out there, but all I can say is, thank God for beef.

Good day

I do love Mondays. I'm very lucky in that I get Monday's off though it means I have 4 very long days the rest of the week. But today was my day off.

It was great. I left my windows open over night and so I had a really good sleep. Then my friend called out of the blue to see if I wanted to go to lunch. I was stoked because we hadn't seen each other in a long time. We went to Famous Dave's, which isn't a favorite of mine but I had chicken so I made it through.

Then we ran errands and spent way more money than we should have (or at least I should have). I picked up some things at Hobby Lobby for a project I'm working on - and so far it's not working like I wanted it to so I'm frustrated. Then we went to Target for wedding gifts and JCPenney for bras.

The bad thing about today is that I should have gone out for a run, but I didn't get it done. I'm such a loser. :( And I didn't use today like I usually do and clean my house. So I'll either do that tomorrow night or next weekend. (If you're a betting man, bet on next weekend).

Voices 5 - a continued continuation

I felt a little bad about the girl last night. She kept screaming (after I had logged off): "I will not lower my voice! I don't want to lower my voice! Why won't you love me? I did everything for you! Why won't you love me?"

This went on for another half hour. I debated going down and trying to calm her down or at least telling her that if the guy doesn't love her and she's had to do everything for him, then he's probably not worth the time or energy she's sinking into this scream fest that's making her sound bad and keeping the neighborhood up.

But I didn't because despite the fact that I love my apartment and for the most part it's location (right by the bike trail) it's not in the best part of town. And who knows what kind of weapon she was yielding besides her cell phone and set of lungs.

It's just too bad. She sounded young so I'm sure this is just the first of many breakups for her. It got me thinking about my relationship breakups. Not that I haven't had many because I just haven't had the joys of that as many of my friends have. I'm totally not a Sex and the City girl. But here are a couple stories:

My college boyfriend broke up with me via letter - a true Dear Jane letter though he spelled my name wrong which pissed me off and didn't help matters. I know I cried over that one but I knew it was coming because he had gotten really distant in the previous month or so. It was hard to confront him before he finally sent the letter because he had gone off to grad school so we didn't have plans to see each other until Thanksgiving.

I do know that I sent back all his crap to him with a letter saying something about how I'm sure it was all my fault (I was young and didn't know better) which led to his then girlfriend (the one he started dating before breaking up with me) calling me up and forcing him to tell me that it, in fact, wasn't my fault and the knucklehead (as she called him) was going to explain things to me.

My first grad school breakup was almost comical. We had "dated" for a month and during that time he had he mentioned at one point that so many of his relationships had only lasted a month. I verified that fact on the sly with his friends, but he said that he loved me so we would make it. (That was comical too - he loved me after 2 weeks, really? This from the guy who's never had a committed relationship?) He was also my tutor for one of my language classes.

Well, one month - to.the.day. - I was working on my language final and he came to my dorm room and said he thought we should break up. Too bad for him I'm known as Calendar Girl with my friends. He went through his spiel and I just sat and nodded. When he finished I said, "Okay." He did a double take and said, "Is that it?" I said, "Well, I figured this was going to happen. It's a month to the day since we started 'dating'." He just said, "And you're not upset?" So, me being the theatrical girl that I am, I said, "Do you want me to cry? Do you want me to get mad?" And then proceeded to force out some tears and raised my voice a decibel (I'm not that loud of a talker), gave him a little what for and then told him to leave because I had to finish my final.

He left, I finished and turned in my paper, and went for a run. During that time, he went to a guy in our class whom I would never talk to, but told him that he was worried about me. Patrick came to my door and knocked but obviously I didn't answer since I was running and thus began the search party for me. It was hilarious. It was even more so later when one of the other guys in my class said to me, "I suppose you're going to break up with J. now since class was over." And my friend looked at me in shock and I started laughing and said, "Unless he breaks up with me first." I busted out laughing and left. Later that guy came up to me and said, "I'm so sorry!" Whatever, it made me laugh.

I've had others, some not so fun, but I don't ever think I've been at the all out screaming point as the girl was last night. Of course, I've mentioned before that I'm not really one to get mad anyway. I just don't go there. I don't know why. Maybe I'm just not emotional enough. Who knows.

Voices continued

See, this is why I love spring and thump thump season and yet I hate it. I like to leave my windows open for fresh air. I used to live in basements (since 2001 I lived in two different basements) and they had no windows. Now I'm above ground and I love love love having my windows open.

But like I mentioned before, it's thump thump season and I'm in an apartment complex with the parking lot right below my window. Often people will have conversations (read: fights) which graciously drift into my apartment. Tonight there's a girl screaming into the phone (I think, I didn't get up to check) about how she's "worked my ass off for you" and "now you won't even marry me?"

It's better than reality TV - hell, it's reality!

Voices 4

It's thump thump season. Did you know that? The sun is out now, and I'm fairly certain that the snow is finished at least until November. So that means it's thump thump season.

Basically this means that the kids in my neighborhood (and by kids I'm also including all the so called 'adults' that live nearby) are cranking their stereo's which have the bass turned way up and the treble down so as they drive by the entire apartment building vibrates with the thump thump.

I'm not against music or turning it up when it's rockin'; trust me, I do it myself. Though I do feel it has a time and place (i.e. not 2 am in an apartment parking lot).

My only question is, do they thump thump during the winter too? If so, how can they even hear to enjoy it? They must be deaf by now. We're required double hearing protection at work around loud engines, and there are times when the thump-thumpers are louder than any engine I'm around. I worry about these kids (adults).

The good thing is that with the return of the thump thump, it's pretty much safe to say that spring is here. Thank God.

Voices 3

No voices today. Just mine. Sorry.

I guess I could just go through all the conversations I had in my head today - some out loud (let's be honest).

This morning on the way to work:

• "Shit, Starbucks is busy and I really don't have time to stand in line."
• "Shit, I forgot my lunch at home."
• "Dammit! I forgot to drop off my rent." (this one actually doubled at night too)
• "Oh fer pete's sake, my tire is low again!" (i slipped into a Norwegian accent on this one)
• "crap, this is a great way to start."

At work throughout the day:

• "I'm not marking them in for the day if they don't call and tell me they are here."
• "I'm really tired of chasing after everyone. If they don't want to get paid, fine."
• "I hate FOCUS Training."
• "Okay, it's not that bad."
• "I really don't mind DP."
• "But I'm really glad DP is finished."
• "Where's Blake?"
• "Can I go home yet?"
• "I hate pee." (that's a long story)
• "Please don't make me put this back in the pee drawer!" (that goes with the other long story, and I actually said this out loud)

And tonight at home:

• "I'm tired."
• "I need to cut my hair."
• "My teeth still hurt. I'm so tired of taking ibuprofen all day long."
• "How can I get rid of my canker sore? This sucks."
• "I'm tired."

There you go! :) That's pretty much my day. Work days are so fun, sometimes. We're doing a lot of training this weekend - death by powerpoint, as we say - and though it's better than it has been in the past, basically it means a weekend of not really getting work done that I really need to get done. Ugh. At least most of my training was finished today so tomorrow will hopefully be somewhat open. I'm anticipating a longer day tomorrow. And Boss1 will be gone so he can't make fun of me (aren't I a planner?). tee hee. :)

Voices 2

In keeping with this month's NaBloPoMo theme of Voices, I went to a Hymn Fest at a nearby church tonight. Of course the bonus to all of this is that it was being led by my AWESOME friend Mark. And of course I'm only saying that because Mark said he was going to start reading my blog.

haha...just kidding. Mark is awesome, as anyone who knows him knows is true. And this was such a bonus because someone from the cities was actually here, near me, where I could see them without having to drive 4 hours! :) Not that I mind, because I don't, but it was a nice change.

First, the hymn fest was great. For a Friday night it was a pretty nice crowd (I thought). The hymns and choral music was incredible, and since I had sang most of it with Mark when I was up in the cities. It was great to sing Nimemwona Bwana again and Mark even brought along Big Red. (forgive me, mark, if I spelled that wrong)

After we finished things up and Mark and I freaked people out by blowing kisses to each other, he and I went for a beer. It was great to catch up and reconnect. So many things have happened for us both since we saw each other last. In fact, I think the last time we saw each other for more than a church date it was last June during the Pride Party. Oh and Mark, I forgot to tell you to pass on hellos to Jeff, Gus and Buddy. Give them each a hug for me and send pictures soon!

I've had a couple good weekends lately, reconnecting with my cities friends and helping me get back to normal. I can't let this many weeks pass without a Cities moment again. I need it.

Well...off to bed for me. Tomorrow I get to work! YAY!

Voices 1

NaBloPoMo's theme for the month is voices and boy let me tell you my voice was aching to break free today.

It started out with a phone confrontation with a colleague and it really pissed me off. I found out later that at least I wasn't the only one getting yelled at by this person but still there was no reason for this.

I was doing my job based on my job description and what I am supposed to do and there was a minor problem (easily fixed with a reboot) which triggered this immediate phone call (before the reboot). Then in that same phone call another issue was brought forth, again falling in my realm of things and I was attacked for, basically, supposedly butting into an area that's not my own. Fact, I needed to be involved in the issue, too. I can't really get into details which makes this really vague... sorry.

But what was funny, as I was on the phone with the colleague, I was getting so frustrated. The person wouldn't even let me talk and explain what I had done, why I had done it - they kept interrupting me as I tried to talk. I was literally holding the phone, my face in a angered look, clutching my free hand in a fist, and visible shaking because I just wanted to scream, "SHUT UP!" The funny part was that my boss walked by right at that moment and was genuinely concerned. Later I just wanted to walk outside and scream out, "FCUK!" because I couldn't get it out.

Thankfully, my good calm voice came to the forefront as I breathed in deep and when this person finally came up for air with a 2-second delay I jumped in and said, "Let me explain what I did so you understand." I said this in a very pointed way, but polite because I'm super nice. Anyway, we finally hung up and I muttered, which I'm sure Boss1 heard, "And that's why I should just go home."

The other voice in my head was this // close to saying to the phone person, "Fine. Then I'll let you work on the project this weekend that I agreed months ago to help on, since apparently I'm not supposed to be doing any of this. And those three articles I was writing...yeah, I'll just skip that too. Besides I have my own work to do."

But I didn't, though when they emailed later this afternoon wanting to get together tomorrow and asking how much work I've gotten done on the project, I said, "I haven't even looked at it. I'm hoping to tomorrow AM but I have a bunch of my work I need to get done and I have meetings all afternoon." Grrr.

Somehow my voice of reason eventually came out and my blood pressure went down and I was breathing easier. But I do regret venting to people about the situation whom I probably shouldn't have been venting to. I lost my venting post a while back and I'm really needing an outlet, especially in times like this. I need to find someone I can trust to talk to.

Or I just need to take up yoga so I can find my inner peace and calming inner voice.