Letter 15

Dear Bed,

What an interesting sleep pattern I have...

The last few weeks have set this precedent that I'm not really liking. Tuesday through Friday, my work week, I wake up at 3:33, then lay in bed snoozing until 4:30 when I wake up wide awake. But my weekends I can sleep until 6:30 without notice...no waking in the middle of the night, no tossing or turning. It's very odd.

And yesterday I made a point to get everything done before I went to bed. The only thing I didn't do was pack my gym bag, but that takes all of 30 seconds to do anyway and I don't usually pack it until the morning because I like to see how I feel for what I want to wear to work out. But I even ironed my uniform at 5:30pm last night, which is very unusual since I'm usually doing that either a) in the morning frantically before leaving, or b) at 9 pm during whatever show I'm watching at that point.

So why I still woke up at 3:33 is beyond me. And I could have gotten up then, but then I would have gotten a little sleep around 4:30 (I've tried this before) and then snoozed then and overslept, so I thought I'd just lay in bed instead.

It's interesting because I just read a blog post not so long ago about better health and the big one was to set a specific time to wake up...every day (weekends too). The writer had picked 4 am and he said even if he went to bed at midnight he still woke at 4 am feeling refreshed. Odd, but he picked that time. I didn't pick 3:33. I'd prefer 4:30. I'd be fine with 4:30, but not 3:33. ugh.

Can we work on this? I don't want to be late for work, but I don't want to lie in bed every morning for 90 minutes because it's still 0-dark-30.

How does your brain work?

I should have written this when I was thinking about it this afternoon. Tre and I had a nice chat going which got me thinking about how different people's brains work. But then she inspired me to get my ass off the couch and finish the work I had started, as well as starting and finishing a couple other things I've been putting off, and what I wanted to talk about disappeared into the void. But I'll try to recap it here.

We were talking about our days. She was at work but I have the day off since we have a compressed schedule. She had asked what I had been doing, so being the anal retentive person I am I recapped what I had accomplished: 5 loads of laundry, grocery shopping, and a couple other things I can't remember now. She said that I sounded busy. Not as busy as I should be, I said. I have a horribly messy kitchen but I'm avoiding it, as well as all the clothes I want to pack up to take to Goodwill (still...I've been talking about this for months) and other stuff, but that I was avoiding them nicely.

She said something about not being able to do that, something about being anxious about getting things done. I said that I don't worry about it. If I get it done I get it done, if not, well no big deal because I'll never get everything done. And then I rambled on a little more (imagine that!).

She asked what inspiration writer/speaker I've been listening to. I said, no one. I just make my brain think that way, because I can't let myself get stressed about the little things like that, despite the fact that my mentor at work is all about the little things. Of course, I live alone and have no friends so it's not like I'm entertaining. Really, the only person I have to deal with is myself and if I can't live with myself even in my messy periods (like Picasso's Blue period) then I have bigger issues that I need to work through than just getting my kitchen cleaned. She said something about that she would rather have organization than chaos in her life so that's why when her house feels chaotic then she is...or something like that.

I don't like chaos either. I'm all about NLPs (neat little piles – my college boyfriend still curses me for teaching him this technique, but that's a whole other story). And it's not like my home is really a disaster area. There are a few places, corners mostly and my closet in my bedroom, where there are boxes of things I need to go through, but my main living area is...well, okay. It's not pristine like I feel it should be, but why does it have to be pristine? Who says it has to?

Why does my brain work that way and hers doesn't? Why do I just not care about a pristine house or even a more clean house than I have right now? Maybe there's something truly wrong with me that I'm okay with having a messy kitchen throughout the week (I clean once a week, if that), that I'm okay if I don't vacuum or make my bed. But then again, my apartment is the size of her living room and dining room in her house...so she has more mass area that she has to deal with. She also has a dog and works two jobs, so that adds to her as well.

She had said when I was moving in that she thought I was a minimalist because I had a very small truck for all my stuff and she had to have a big truck when she moved. I don't consider myself a minimalist in any way shape or form...I have a lot of crap that I don't use. I have 100s of DVDs and VHS movies. (Actually, I watch all of those – yes, I have no life.) I have books galore, so much that most of the boxes in my storage are books. And if those aren't filled with books they are either filled with one of two things: paper, or clothes that I keep meaning to take to Goodwill. I keep so much stuff. I'm a hoarder, as I've mentioned earlier.

I'll admit that I do feel better when my house is super clean. There's something about that accomplishment and the freshness of it all. But I don't stay up nights lamenting that I didn't get that kitchen sink cleaned or the laundry put away. Not that Tre does this either, but we do have a different way of thinking about this stuff. I don't know. Maybe it's just one of those mysteries of the world. Like she said, she does entertain (she has friends) so maybe she just has a different mindset.

Sometimes I wish I had a different mindset.

Letter 14

Letters: G, BA, SAJ, C-O-N-T-E-S-T

Here's one for all you mug or Gumball fans. Bethany Actually, with the inspiration and help of Secret Agent Josephine, is holding a contest for a Gumball mug. Check it out here!

Stolen in the name of Jesus - with a few edits to make it more me

My Resignation as an Adult

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of a 5 year old again.

• I want to go to Burger King and think that it is a four star restaurant.
• I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples in a pond with rocks.
• I want to think M&M's are better than money because you can eat them.
• I want to lie under a big oak tree and watch the ants march up its trunk.
• I want to run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day.
• I want to go fishing and care more about catching the minnows along the shore than the big bass in the lake.
• I want to think the world is fair.
• I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all I knew about were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes. When I didn't know what I know now. When all I knew was to be happy because I was blissfully unaware of all the things that should make me worried.
• I want to think that a quarter is worth more than a dollar bill because it is prettier and weighs more.
• I want to think that everyone is honest and good. I want to believe that anything is possible.
• I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things in life again.
• I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, dreams, the imagination, the Tooth Fairy, a kiss that makes a boo-boo go away, making angels in the snow, and that my dad and God are the strongest people in the world.

So......here's my checkbook and my car keys, my credit cards and the bills, my 401K statements, my stocks and bonds, my collections, my insurance premiums, my job, my house and the payments, my e-mail address, cell phone, computer, and watch. I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this with me further, you'll have to catch me cause........
tag! You're it!

From: http://www.etni.org.il/farside/resignation.htm

Letter 13

Dear NaBloPoMo,
I have no letter today. My brain is a muddled mess of thoughts.

I made it to church this morning, but once again missed the confession & forgiveness part. I don't think I've had that in months really. Not that I feel like I deserve it. Well, I need to confess, that's for sure... I'm an awful person, really, and it seems like forgiveness is probably not on the docket for me.

Well, okay, the faith in me tells me that I do deserve to be forgiven, and that I am forgiven - that's why Jesus came for us and all - but I think my subconscious is doing something else. I was up early enough to make it to church, despite my brain's desperate attempt to convince myself that it was after 8 am and I'd have to go to the 6 pm service instead when in fact it was 6:30 am and I had plenty of time to get to church on time, yet I didn't.

Emmy's party was today. It was a good time. My nephew made me laugh a lot, my niece was adorable, the other niece and nephew were there too, and Doreen. Ah, Doreen - she is a riot. Now if Marlys had been there I would have laughed my ass off.

And I'm working on two different blankets right now - one for my mom's boss and one just to finish since it's been sitting in my knitting basket for awhile. I have yarn for two other blankets that I want to complete - one for my future Godchild yet to be born and one for either another PIF or for mom's thing she has coming up.

And now I'm just sitting, watching Must Love Dogs and About A Boy, and wondering what's up for my life. Hmmm. Well, I guess laundry and knitting and prepping for the week. Not tonight though, I'll start that tomorrow.

I suck. I have nothing to say.

Letter 12

Dear Eric,
Just because I'm a geek I'm going to write a letter to you here, too. That RSS feed thing rocks. I'm so excited you can still read my blog. I think you're my most devoted reader, except for maybe that stalker up north that I know. (Hi, Stalker!)

Anyway, thank you for your email tonight. Everyone's life is crazy and we deal with some really idiotic people sometimes. They just don't understand what's really important and make issues out of every little thing.

I try really hard not to be that kind of person. I have my moments where I go nuts, not literally but close, and I just vent and vent. Or if I can't vent to my venting post, I'll dwell on things for days on end (like Otter) until I realize that in the grand scheme of things, this is just a blip on the surface.

I'm still amazed that we connected through this medium. Some day we really should meet. You may be horribly disappointed in who I am in real life, but it would be great to talk in person sometime. :)

But until then, I still think you are an amazing man and you are doing awesome things. You are the future of our organization. You are someone who can make it better - please don't give up us. We need you.

I'm thinking of you daily and you're in my prayers. Keep your head down and stay safe.
~moe~

Letter 11

Dear Emmy,
Today you turn 8. I remember when you were born. I was teaching at the middle school and mom called in between classes. She said Lisa had had you that morning, I think, and so that night we drove down to meet you for the first time.

Your mom's room was filled with people. They brought you in and you cried and cried. Granny was holding you and you wouldn't, couldn't, stop crying. So she handed you to me and I took you in my arms for the first time, sat down in the rocking chair in the room, and you immediately calmed down. We had an instant connection.

Since then I have watched you grow up whenever I could. Sadly, 2 months after you were born I moved to the cities, so I worked hard to see you whenever I returned. I wanted to keep our connection going.

The year you turned 3, your mom and I and granny began holding girls days. Well, it actually started with your mom, granny and I going out to lunch for your mom's birthday. You wanted to come along but Lisa said, "Honey, not this time. It's just us girls." You cried and said, "But I'm a girl!" So a few weeks later we all met at Applebees. You had pigtails and looked ever so cute. I wish I had a scanner so I could put the picture here, but I don't. We had a great time and thus girls days were born. Soon joey joined us and now we have a whole crew meeting with Ava too.

A couple years ago I couldn't figure out what to give you for your birthday. So I decided I would give you a day with me. I figured life is too short to just give you presents all the time that you would grow up beyond, but a day with me you would remember for a long time (and I'd take pictures so you'd remember forever). I arranged for us to go to the base and go out on the flight line to see the jets take off. We went out to Last Chance with the SOF and they were really loud as they went by. You looked so cute in your little ear defenders. :) Again, I wish I had a scanner - or at least the discs with your pictures (I didn't have my digital cameras yet).

After we watched the jets take off, we went to the zoo and walked all over looking at the animals and enjoying the sun. We ate lunch at McDonald's, went to Target to spend your birthday money, went to Cold Stone for dessert, and then played mini golf. You really liked to move the ball around there..."improving your lie" it's called (in so many ways). At the end of the day we played at a park and then met your mom for supper. I made you and I a photo album with captions (on neon labels, no less) so we both could remember the day. It was such a fun time.

You returned the favor after Christmas last year. I had gotten you an Easy Bake oven. You had wanted to be a chef for Halloween but your mom had said no. I'm the evil, I mean GOOD, aunt and I bought you the whole kit and kaboodle for Christmas (after we teased you and told you that you were getting an 'electric notepad' - which turned out to be scratch paper leftover from Granny from the 1960's). Over Christmas break you and mom tried out the Easy Bake oven, made treats and took pictures. When I moved in to my apartment, you and Lisa came over and we had a mini-girls day, and you presented me with the photo album of you using your oven. I loved it.

This year I was just going to get you another Emmy/Moe day for your birthday but I think I'll do that anyway and still get you a present. I don't need a holiday to give you time with me. We should be doing that anyway.

I love you, little girl. You are a doll. I hope you have a very happy birthday.
Love, Aunt moe

Recap

Okay, so that last post was a bit off as well. I will try to find something funny, but for now, here are some recaps from yesterday and today.

First, Happy Birthday Emmy! My niece turns 8 today. She's such a doll. Her party will be later so maybe I'll have some cute pictures then.

Last night, despite the crap and crappy weather (we had a blizzard yesterday), the girls at work decided (after much deliberation) that we were going to play Bunco anyway. Julie and I really, really wanted to play. See...maybe I should elaborate here.

We play every month during the school year. We play for money...which I'm not usually a gambler but this is too fun not to. We put in $5 each night. $2 goes for the night's winner; $3 goes into the pot for the end of the season winner(s). The pot supposedly is up to $135, but I want to recount the money...I think that's off. Anyway, so to determine the winners, both night and for the season, we keep track of points.

Well for the last 5 months, Jill and I have been neck and neck. Before last night the place order was Jill, me, Jen, Julie, Jessica and so on. Well, Jill and Jen were going out of town so they wanted to reschedule Bunco completely. Julie and I both protested because they didn't reschedule the night Julie had to miss before her wedding. So we decided to hold it. The jokes kept flying all day Wednesday that we were going to smash their scores and they kept saying we wouldn't have enough people and we'd have to cancel.

So yesterday with the bad weather, Julie and I kept debating. At one point we did cancel and then decided, screw it, we'd still have it. Well, we played and had fun. And despite me being distracted by Otter and getting pissed and having a very bad game (I was DAL in points last night), I still moved into first place.

So now the places are Me, Julie, Jill, Jessica, Jen. Woohoo! We had called Jen last night and said we were going to cancel Bunco for weather. Well then we decided to have it anyway so we sent her a picture with us all standing together with our score cards and Snake Eyes hat. She couldn't believe it.

Today was pretty uneventful. One section was interviewing for a new position, so there were lots of dressed up, stressed out people walking around. I finished my notes from the 2-day meeting earlier this week and put in a few choice comments like "Break time - group watched MJ's Thriller video to add levity to the situation". I sent it to Deaner for approval. He fixed very little, and actually left that in. I was pleased. At least my notes were only 12 pages and not 20 or 54 as my predecessor had.

There was also one moment of pie. SB and I have a standing joke when he calls. I have caller ID so when he calls I just answer, "Scott?" It freaked him out for a long time but now we have fun with it. Well today we got on the subject of pie - I think he sent me something and said, "Thanks for doing a great job." I replied, "Thanks for making my job easy as pie, and I know pie is easy because I make them all time." So we got on this pie topic and I think I promised him a complete pie or at least a piece which he promised to eat in front of me so I could see how well he appreciates it.

You know...if I didn't know the topic of that paragraph really was pie - like crust, flour, sugar, butter, etc. - that would really be a questionable paragraph...was she talking about sex? or pie?

And I got word back from Brookings and they can't refund my entry fee, but I can write them next year and get a free entry as long as I include the email the director sent. I really appreciated that. Hopefully I can keep on track next year since the new gym will be complete and I'll be going every day.

Okay...well, that's about it. How boring was that? :)

Morning Musings

I'm still reeling from yesterday's great evening at the club. I'm trying to let it go, but I hate letting people get away with treating others that way just because they were drunk. But I know if I confront him or tell him how crappy he made me feel it would end up to be a worse situation than if I just forget it and let it go. It's amazing the way people think out here. First, they're like gigantic tombs of information. They remember all the crap and little things, though they are selective when they sort through it to find it. Shit seems to rise to the top you know, and that's the first thing they'll remember about any situation: all the shit. Second, if you try to fix something or correct a problem - you, as the correctee, are not "helping" the situation, suddenly you're meddling. It's crazy.

Anyway...I'm trying to find funny things to think about today. So here's one from yesterday, though this happens a lot. Someone walks into my office...I'm clearly busy with paperwork - my desk and my keyboard are covered (I'm typing underneath the pile - I have skills, man)...and they say, "Did you get my email about the section needing supplies?"

First, I sigh inwardly because this section is the bane of my existence. Now I know what the comm help desk felt like when we used to have problems every drill with our computers. This section is the most disorganized I know and they are constantly in my office all weekend long. This is the same one who couldn't print letters. Second, I say, "I haven't even had a chance to read your email yet. I was gone all day Tuesday and I'm still trying to sort through the emails I have, so yes, but no to answer your question."

Then he sits down in my chair and says, "Do you have a couple seconds to talk about this?" uh, no...do you not see the pile of work I'm trying to get through? "Uh..." is all I actually can formulate in my mind before he launches into his spiel...which mildly irks me because he can go through everything but I'm still not going to be able to get to it today. Finally we leave it with me telling him to email me the website so I can double check the order the section turned in to me and then I'll work with the guy who has to do the ordering and we'll go from there.

It's now 9:24 that I'm typing this. That conversation was 24 hours ago...I still haven't gotten the website. But you know...you have to order this stuff right away because it takes a couple months to get it all.

Okay...so that was more of a funny-grrr moment. I'm laughing on the inside...really I am.

Update: I finally got the email from him with the website this afternoon. Whoops...this is SO not happening today.

Letter 10

Dear Otter,

Thank you for making my day end shitty. I hope your goal tonight was to piss off a woman and upset her to the point where she's not sure if she should throw things, punch you in the face or just cry. Because, congratulations, you succeeded.

All I wanted to do was play a little Bunco with the girls. I just wanted to relax, have some fun, boost my score and enjoy the evening, but no...you and your f-ing, arrogant, drunk ass had to start harassing me. And then you didn't even have the balls to do it to my face but by going through Mary, God bless her.

My reasons for not attending next week's conference are none of your business. I probably shouldn't have stated bits of what they were there, because you had the audacity to go over to the other guys there and tell them that I didn't think their jobs were important - a blatant lie. Thank you for putting words in my mouth which you may not even recall tomorrow but most of them weren't as drunk as you, having worked all day while you and others had been drinking since noon. My only hope is that they take your words with a huge chunk of salt since you were drunk. I can only hope. But my hope is waning right now since even while I stood there packing the Bunco crap up, people were whispering and looking at me.

What pisses me off a lot is that people were making excuses for you. Apparently drunkenness is a green light for acting like an asshole, picking on people and making them feel like shit. Another thing that pisses me off is that now I'm contemplating going to the damn conference, spending money I just don't have, just to prove you wrong. And I hate that because I hate giving in to you because of that.

I shouldn't have to feel like I have to justify how I feel about my job. I support all of you and what you and your co-workers do. I stand up for you when people think you're slacking off. I write damn articles to prove to the world that you didn't just sit on the beach the entire time you were in Hawaii. I try my damnedest to sing your praises and the one time I don't go to a conference for whatever reasons and take a day and a half off from work to do so, I'm immediately considered as shit and not a team player. What the hell do you know about my job? There are times, and don't deny it, that you have down time. I rarely if EVER have down time where I can sit and play cards in the afternoon. If I decide to take a day off, I spend three catching up. Admin work doesn't end.

Whatever. I just have to say: You were a complete asshole tonight and I don't know if I can ever look at you the same way again. Despite the fact that a man I admire thinks that you "get it", you really, really disappointed me tonight.

Letter 9

Dear Brookings Marathon,

Ah, BM. Wait - that's a bowel movement and while this is the shits let's call it something else...

Ah, Brookings. How I have longed to run you. Last October, on my marathon high, I signed up to run you.

I dreamt about how this would go down. I'd stay with my brother, I'd be better prepared since I now understood how a marathon works, and I would kick some serious PR butt.

I planned out the route. I thought about running the streets of Brookings. I imagined running by the Campanile. I thought about how it would be to run down Medary and by my brother's house, finishing up in a park and being awarded with a medal and t-shirt...rejoicing as I came to the finish realizing that, YES, I can finish a marathon in a decent time for a newbie.

And then winter hit.

Oh, freakin' winter in this winter state. My training fell to the way side...I struggled to find the time and energy and motivation to get to the gym. When I did get there I hated every minute...running in a shed, about as cold as it was outside but with a little more annoyance with the Outdoor channel.

Quickly, and sadly, my running fell apart. I kept hope that I could still make it...always hoping I'd make it to the gym this week and would get back in a groove. It still hasn't happened.

I woke this morning realizing that 30 days is not enough to prepare for a marathon, no matter how in shape I could be. So I sent an email to the director and asked to withdraw my entry. I doubt I'll get a refund, but at least he knows that my place is open for someone else who can run it.

But for me to run, I need a goal. This was how I made it last year, even though I didn't make it as well as I had hoped. I had a goal. I think I had too much time to prepare so I got bored, but I do need to make a plan.

I'm sorry, Brookings. Hopefully next year I can run you. Hopefully with the new gym being built at work I'll be able to stay motivated through the damn winter months. I do vow, however, to not sign up for any run so quickly after finishing any run. That runner's high for me lasts way too long and impairs my judgment.

Hmmm...

I'm not sure I like this letter theme. I'm having trouble wrapping my head around it. I'll have to work on that a bit.

For now, I just need to ramble. Feel free to stop reading if you'd like. It'll be a lot of self-deprecation and just some idiotic statements, I'm sure. Who knows? I haven't written it yet...the words are still flowing out my brain and down to my fingertips.

Day two of our meeting ended early, which was very good. At the end Boss1 shook my hand, thanking my for all my hard work and then said he'd see me later. It was nice to be thanked, even though I know he appreciates my work.

Our drive back was very pleasant. KC and I bonded a little more. She and her hubby just moved back here so she's kind of in the same boat I am...all their friends are back at their previous home, kind of like a lot of mine are back in the cities or spread out across the world.

Anyway, today was a beautiful day - no wind, perfect weather. It was an absolutely perfect spring day. Did I go running? Hell, no. I fell asleep on my couch when I got home. Granted I did have a bit of a late night and early start this morning - going to bed after 11 and woke up to the hotel staff stomping down the hallway delivering papers and bills at around 4 - then tossed and turned until I finally got up.

But there must be something seriously wrong with my psyche that I have a gorgeous day in front of me, hours off from work, and what do I do? I sleep on my couch. Tomorrow I'll want to run and I have to be at work and it'll be a little windier than today, and knowing me that will trigger a great opportunity for excuses and I won't get a run in tomorrow either.

What the hell is wrong with me? K once suggested I go to a counselor or therapist to work out some of my issues after the DLE experience and I never did. Maybe I just need to go to get my head in a right place.

Some good tonight - I did make up my chicken/pasta meal so I have lunch and supper set up for the rest of the week. That's good because otherwise I would probably be eating out or just eating chips and popcorn. The chicken I had tonight was quite yummy. I need to eat more protein.

See, I'm rambling. If anyone is still reading here, I'd be shocked. I have so many trains of thought going through my head right now and I want to write them all at once but I'm losing focus. Hmm. Maybe I just need more sleep, and a return to normalcy. Tomorrow I get to go back to work. That's a good thing since I know my task list is huge. I have great plans to finish a lot of things this week. Let's hope I can.

Okay...I'm going to stop rambling now. Maybe I'll figure out something better for tomorrow. I'm sure I will since tomorrow night is Adult Ed and if it's anything like BigO predicted last week, I'm sure it's in for a bumpy ride.

If you made it this far, I truly commend you.

Letter 8 - BL

Dear writers of primetime TV,
Thank you for coming to terms with whomever it was regarding your strike. You are deserving of your award and I am very thankful that the world come back to some sort of order.

One of my favorites is back tonight - Boston Legal. Thank goodness, my Tuesday night humor has returned. I have been so sad and alone without it. :)

Thank you for returning.
Sincerely,
Moe

P.S. CSI last Thursday was nice to have back, too. :)

Letter 7

Today's show was brought to you by the letter F and the numbers 7 and 15.

Dear whomever,
Today was a pretty good day. I got up around 7, having been nestled in my Jonathan Adler sheets and alternative down comforter, and headed to a two-day meeting. KC and I rode together and I have to say I'm really, really glad she was hired for the job I almost applied for back in November. First, she is going to be a kickass addition there and second, it's like my double is now present.

KC and I have so much in common, it's great. We laugh at the same things, we have the same thoughts and ideas. It's just wonderful. Maybe I've finally found a friend at work - other than the ones I have that I don't get to see often enough, if ever.

Anyway the day went on and I went running after the meetings. It was an absolutely beautiful evening and I am way out of shape. It was very disheartening to see my flabby, cellulite-cheesed out body after running. I have gotten fat. It's not good at all.

KC and I went out to supper and then hit the hotel bar, hanging out with Dino and everyone else who showed up. Boss1 is here too and before I went running I bumped into him in the lobby. He was heading out to the rocks to fish. I cautioned him to not fall in and especially not fall in and bump his head. So what does he do? He falls in...but thankfully didn't bump his head.

We ended up betting on the Kansas/Memphis game tonight and KC almost won. It was kind of sad that she didn't since we were going to split the pot. Oh well...this is why I don't gamble.

But today has been 15 months exactly working for Boss1. I'm still loving it and I think I'm going to have many more months to come of happiness...at least with that.

Not much else to say, other than I hate that this state doesn't ban smoking in restaurants and bars because I smell like an ashtray (aka filth) right now and this is why I don't go out drinking, well, basically ever.

And with that, goodnight.

Letter 6

Dear friends with other crazy jobs/lives,
There are truly days when I don't remember what went on. Do you have these days? It's so confusing. Today seems like a blur of activity. I know I did a lot of work, I know I accomplished some things and not others, but I can't quite remember it all. Which is why I usually spend parts of my evenings replaying the day. Do you do this?

I vaguely recall getting a chai at Starbucks this morning...I think I had to drive around the block because I wasn't sure if they'd be open that early on a Sunday or not. They didn't have their tip box out so I handed the woman the $1 when she handed me my drink. A truck kind of rode my ass all the way to work - trying to follow me through yellow lights and such. It turned out to be Boss2, which was kind of amusing.

Then I remember a burst-out-laughing moment at our morning meeting where folks started to stand as we were going to present a certificate and I said, "Oh, don't get up folks, sit down," and Boss1 said, "Yeah, it's only Andy." Everyone laughed at Boss1's comment and I laughed at the 2 people still standing looking around at everyone else who had sat down because obviously they weren't listening to what was going on. Ok, so you had to be there, but trust me that was a funny moment.

After that things start to blur. I think I spent a very long time with our finance officials this morning dealing with a problem that came on our plate late yesterday afternoon. I kind of remember sitting at a meeting that worried me about retaining our people. Then things start to clear up...a little.

Two of our senior female leaders spoke to some of our junior members today. It was great to hear how these two started their careers. They talked about mentors and my mentor was sitting across from me and we looked at each other at one point and I was pleased that I had picked him to mentor me. I have other mentors too, but he's one I actually have down on paper and have spoken to about being my mentor.

After that he and I and Jim headed to lunch. We ended up eating with Boss1 and had a great time. During that meal, as I was talking with these 3 higher up people, I thought back to when I was new to this job and how I'd observe others in those positions eating together at lunch. I used to envy people like me who would get to eat and talk with our leaders like that. Boss1 is the head dude at my workplace and being able to talk to him like a...well, human is so refreshing. And while we were talking about various things - work and personal life - at lunch, I just kept thinking about what other junior members would be thinking as they observed us. It was a little humbling. I don't know...does that make sense? Probably not.

After lunch I ran into my friend KB and I helped her find a briefing on Boss2's desk she needed to recopy. I stepped into Boss1's office and asked if he knew where Boss2 was and he whipped around in his chair and uttered a nice sentiment. Apparently, Boss2 sent out an email telling everyone in our section and our building why I had taken last Thursday off. A little birdie, KB, had filled him in on the purpose of that day. So I retaliated a bit but not in a bad way. It ended up being a big joke and we had a great laugh. As Boss2 said, "If you can't laugh at work, you're in the wrong place."

Truly the rest of the afternoon was a blur - various people stopping into my office to talk about issues, trying to sort out paperwork and then prepping for my 2-day meeting tomorrow. I then came home and inadvertently napped for a couple hours. whoops.

I guess what I'm saying, inarticulately, here is that if I don't reply these days I don't remember what happened. And if I don't remember what happened, is my day really worthwhile? Of course, after going through this list...was this day really worthwhile? sheesh...

Does anyone else feel like this ever?

Letter 5

Dear Dad,
Growing up I always wanted to be you...except for the smoking thing. I always thought you had such a great mind, a great head on your shoulders, and a wit that was awesome.

I've been thinking about you a lot this week. It's not an anniversary of your birthday or deathday or anything like that. It's just a lot of things happening in my life are making me think about you.

One of my memories of you is going to the tiny city hall when you left the city council. We were all gathered around and the mayor gave you a plaque for all your hard work. At the bottom it had a quote:

"Well, it's only my opinion but..."

I chuckled at the time because as a young kid I laughed because the adults laughed. I didn't get it. But this week I really felt the full impact of that quote.

The funny thing about that quote is that you were really a quiet man. You contemplated things. You were one to think before speaking (I really wish I could learn that trait). But when you spoke you always started with, "Well, it's only my opinion but..." and you'd continue with your thoughts. What was interesting to me is that I know when you said those words your colleagues would sit up straight and listen. At that moment, they wanted and needed to hear what your thoughts were - whether they agreed or not.

I decided this week I need to adopt this statement. As I said, I don't have your tact to think first before speaking my thoughts. It often gets me in trouble - venting about something to the wrong person and when later rereading the issue I find that it wasn't as bad as I initially thought. Or when I start to comment about a situation - even on an email - and people take it as if that's what has to happen. It's a little scary to think that people would even contemplate that if I speak it becomes law, but lately it seems like that.

Of course, part of this is to CMA*, as we say, because one of my colleagues has this great habit of replying to all on emails - or adding in additional people. Example: we're looking to find individuals in our workplace who meet a certain criteria. I mentioned one person and said I was going to talk with Boss1 and Mungie Boy about other persons. Well, this colleague replied to all on the email and basically criticized my idea.

It was frustrating - not only because my idea was immediately ground into the ground like you used to do with your booted foot to your cigarette - but because it wasn't just to me, but to everyone. And I still believe my idea would be a good candidate.

But despite that, I'm really going to start using your statement - "Well, it's only my opinion but..." because then I can at least feel better about my comments and maybe not feel so pathetic every time I make a comment.

I'm also going to really try to think first before I speak, and vent only to my venting post. It seems anytime I speak to anyone else, it comes back to bite me in the ass. I need to rely on my trusted agents and only them.

God, I miss you, Dad. I could really benefit from your guidance these days. I love you.
Love,
Me

p.s. I'm going to check with mom and see if she still has your plaque. Maybe I can get it and hang it in my office as a remembrance. Maybe that'd help.

*cover my ass - you can do that too!

Roller coaster day

I love my job, you all know that. I really do. But today...well today wasn't as bright and colorful as it usually is.

I'm just feeling incompetent today. I had scheduled an orientation briefing at our workplace...I'm in charge of setting it up as it's a requirement for everyone on base and it's mandated by my Boss1. Of the 69 scheduled, 3 showed up. So I canceled it and rescheduled to November, which is basically the next available time.

Part of the problem for this is that it's an orientation briefing for new people coming in. Due to our schedule on our weekend work days, there are so many trainings and other meetings that it can't be held every month. Well it could, but that would be a huge waste of time for not only me, but all the presenters who need to brief. So I've been holding this twice a year. The last one held was last November and I had a good crowd. Now today I had three.

I don't know if I planned poorly or the word didn't get out well-enough, or what, but it's very frustrating to me. I worked on the schedule, I booked the room, Julie sent out the list of who needed to attend (which I know at least one section didn't get it), I had everything set up having worked late last night and came in early today - all for nothing. Well, not nothing - those three that came are really appreciated in my eyes and sadly I can't sign them off because they still need to attend the briefings. It's a requirement. (I need to do something for them in November.)

And the rest of the day I was fielding questions of why it wasn't happening, how many people showed up, and how one person thought I sent out invitations to those who need to attend (which pissed me off because it's not an invitation kind of briefing - "Hey come if you can!" - it's a requirement which training managers for each section are supposed to be tracking too)...But overall I just feel like a failure. I know it's not entirely my fault but sheesh - 3 out of 69? That's just wrong. I did have one supervisor call and apologize but when we went through his list a lot of his people were at a work conference this weekend so they wouldn't have been there anyway.

I don't know...it just kind of dampened the whole mood of the day.

One good thing was going on a walk-about with Mungie Boy. We hit several different sections had said hello to people. Mungie Boy is higher up the chain so it's good for him to get out and see other people. And since I work for Boss1, one guy told me it was really good for me to get out too since I'm working for him - then the younger folks at our workplace would understand who I am.

Anyway...it was an up and down day. I don't know. Good but not as great as usual.

Letter 4 - A letter to the ethics god

It doesn't end.

Yesterday I took the day off, which was great, so I thought today would go pretty well since I'd be fully rested (I mean, sheesh - I slept in until 6 yesterday!).

Well, I woke up at 4:20, got my chai at starbucks as usual and hit the ground running this morning. I finally took a break and went to lunch with a friend I hadn't seen in a long time. That was awesome. It was great to catch up. We hadn't seen each other in about a month so a catch up was needed.

When I got back to work, it all started again - run, run, run. I was working late trying to get the last few things ready for tomorrow morning. Boss1 came down the hall and used both my first and last name and said, "what are you still doing here?"

He's never done that. It was almost like getting middle-named by your parents. I, being the sap that I am and running on lack of sleep and liquids, started to tear up a little (though I held it back) and answered why I was still there. Then I jokingly said that our Asst AG said I needed to mark down 2 hours of comp time.

Boss1 then got serious and said, "You better be marking down your comp time young lady. I'll sign off on it but you have to mark it down."

And I said, "It's not a big deal. I love my job."

"No you don't."

"I don't?"

"Okay, moe, you do love your job but you need to be keeping track and marking down your comp time. You like your vacations, too."

Then I thanked him for the day off yesterday and he looked at me like I was insane. hmm....what did I do wrong there?

So, now I'm having this complex. My lunch today went longer than I planned (we had a lot of catching up to do) so I was going to use my last hour of comp time I have on the books to cover that. But now Boss1 is telling me to mark down my comp time - which would be an additional 2 hours for tonight. So do I just mark down one hour for tonight, which would technically be inaccurate but easier on the paperwork, or do I do what my guilt-ridden stomach is telling me and just ignore it and let it go?

Here's the thing...often I feel like when I'm working later and supposedly earning comp time, I'm really just trying to make up for my lack of organization during the day and so it's not really comp time it's just finally finishing the work I should have had completed.

My job is great, and I work with a lot of people...many of whom come into my office and sit to chat about work things. Some of these conversations go quickly. Others end up dragging on for hours (literally). They are beneficial talks - they cover a gamut of issues we deal with at work, many of which we're trying to deal with all at once. But it also keeps me from getting done what I want to get done. So I stay late, when every one else is gone, and I can get so much more finished just by staying an extra hour alone. I kind of see it like making up for the time I lost.

But I know that others at my work place don't do this. There are some who, if they work a few minutes past quitting time, will claim an hour of comp time. Some have what they call "circle time" where it's comp time off the books, but can still be used whenever - they just clear it with their supervisor. Boss1 and I can't do this because we're in the spotlight too much with our higher ups, so we need to actually claim it. It adds extra paperwork and I have a hard time justifying it for myself most weeks.

I don't know. I go back and forth on this with some of my co-workers. One thinks I need to be claiming it and gets disappointed with me when I don't. Others think I should just take the time off in the same pay period, but I can't always find the time so I would and often do end up just letting it go. Or I'll take that extra 15 minutes for a run at lunch and then feel okay because I know I've worked at other times. But that's not right either. I don't know.

Of course, then as I'm leaving tonight 13 hours after I got to work today, the sun was still out, the air was calm, it was still warm, and it's a Friday night. I was heading home from work, alone, and thinking - what the hell am I doing. I should have left earlier and I could have gone running. Why didn't I?

Because then I wouldn't have gotten all my work done. It's a vicious cycle.

E is for Emily

I linked to a story about Emily a few days ago. They went in for tests recently and she's been diagnosed with a rare and not so great disease. Please read this post and consider giving if you can. They have raised $15K but that will spend quickly with medical bills.

If you cannot donate, please, please keep this family in your prayers.

Letter 3

I'm a minor history buff and today is an awesome day in history. Today was the beginning of building the west. Well, kind of.

Today was the beginning of the pony express in 1860. Go here at the history channel website and you can watch the video all about it.

That's my letter for the day. :) Get it?

Of course this was also the last day MLK Jr was alive - he was assassinated on the 4th. Sad, no?