It's late

Well, not late to some but those who know me know that me typing this at 11:17pm is late for me. I’m freaking wide awake. I’ve done 40 crunches. I’ll probably do 40 more shortly or even whilst I’m writing this. My mind won’t shut down tonight. It wouldn’t last night either and having to be at work at 7am this morning was not pleasant.

One day ago (well, two by the time this gets posted – damn it for not having internet in the house) the responsibilities I had with my work were cut. To some this could be a good thing. To me, the woman known as ‘the person who knows everything’, ‘the person who will and can get it done’, ‘the person who has been the contact and go-to person for things for the last 4 years’, to me that person has been killed off. Left in her place is a woman with minimal responsibility and a feeling of little worth to the community.

A few people have asked if my salary has been cut. Well, no, it hasn’t. So they say why worry about it. It’s not that. In some ways, having a bit more time to focus on these 2 tasks I have left is good. Maybe my ADD tendencies will go away. My worry is the impressions that the community and people now have regarding me and my abilities. It seems like I wasn’t doing my job properly enough to keep it and I’m left with the mundane tasks. I hope this isn’t the case and that there is a bigger picture that I just don’t see yet or I’m not supposed to see yet. One of those ‘need to know’ basis and I am not in the ‘need to know’ category yet.

And so I wait. Or do I?

I welcome change. I do. I know that sounds…what’s the word…lame? Yeah, lame would fit there. Complacent, maybe. I don’t know. But I do feel that change is good. Of course there are parameters on anything in life and I do have a parameter on change: I like to know what the intended outcome is for me with the change. It doesn’t have to end up that way, but there is probably a reason and a goal behind the change, and that would be nice to know.

Now, this change that has happened does make logical sense. It does. Moving the ADD parts of my job under one roof makes absolute and complete sense. But why wasn’t I asked to take those parts and create that position into what is now desired? Why is it that I’m left with the mundane tasks? Am I not good enough at the ADD tasks? If I was screwing up, why wasn’t I brought in and counseled on that with the opportunity to improve? Or was I but I just didn’t recognize it as being that? (shee-it) And what about the 4 years I have spent learning and honing my skills on the program used? Are my skills not worth anything?

Yes, I am good at being the people person. One person said he likes seeing my smiling face ‘there’ everyday. I hope I can keep that smile on my face for him. I better since he is the king around these parts.

My biggest fear? Boredom. I am not a person to sit around unless I’m at home with a tall rum and coke, cheese popcorn and either a movie or the latest TV drama. At work, I work. But when I get bored at work, I surf. I don’t want to be a surfer. And I really don’t want to be bored.

I’ve been told if I do get bored I’m to let it be known and something will be found for me. But what? More mundane work? I don’t know.

So what do I do? Do I stick it out and hope for the best (have faith-God has a plan-and all that jazz)? Or do I fight for my ‘rightful’ job that isn’t even mine anymore? Or do I take this as a calling (push) from God to get the hell out of dodge and walk away? And if the latter, where do I go?

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20 more done. I’d go run but it’s late and dark and my neighborhood isn’t the best for that late night activity. I miss the days when I could do that – after working a sucky 7 hour shift at Arby’s I could just throw on my workout gear, grab my shoes and keys and go. Run my stress off, come home, shower, and sleep like a baby. Instead I’m stuck inside, typing on a borrowed laptop, which I will truly miss having in my possession come mid-October, and doing crunches when I can’t type anymore.

Hindsight’s 20/20 right? Maybe I should have applied for the jobs at SV. Maybe I should have applied for the job at SVE. I’d probably be in SD by now, mooching off mom til I can find my own place, loving every extra minute I’m allowed to put in at my other job (where I could be right now, actually, but not, since I’m 4 hours away), and far away from these concerns and worries.

But no, I’m here wondering what my next move should be. Should I suck it up and stay ‘on board’ as I’m thought to be (which to a point I am, but I’m worried how I truly fit in with it all)? Should I tell off the person who thinks that this hasn’t been affecting me at all who I almost wanted to slap when that comment was made (instead I slammed my hands down on the table and said through clenched teeth that I am upset but I’m trying to stay positive and look for the good in this plan)? Or should I just go to bed and try to shut off my brain? It’s too bad I don’t have homework to do. I could get a ton done tonight.

Shit. I should be doing Tae Bo. I could be ‘punching’ someone and get a great workout! A two in one benefit! This whole situation will either cause me to balloon up to my freakish 2005 pre-weight or I’ll lose and lose and shrink to nothingness. I hope but doubt the latter. I’m such a comfort food nut. Damn orange popcorn. It should be banned from my grocery, department and convenience stores. Seriously. It should just be banned.

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20 more and a shot of diet orange pop. My body is going to be screaming at me tomorrow. I’m going to try to shut off my brain now. It’s now freaking midnight. (happy birthday, t & t!) maybe I’ll sleep now. I hope so. But hey if you need a guest room or directions, give me a call. For tomorrow at least, I’ll be there.

It's ba-ack

Trying to stay positive to keep others calm is draining. I’m dealing with my own issues with this situation but I feel like I need to keep you calm and encourage you to speak your mind. I’ve done that and the issue still came to head and there’s nothing more I can do but go with the flow. YOU can change it, but I can’t help you with it. I’m working to just keep this in mind. But I’m having a hard time doing that and keeping positive when you’re frustrated and negative.

It’s SO an orange popcorn, M&M, and Captain and Coke day.

Win-Win-Win

Saturday, September 23 marked the 4^th year of my full-time employment here. Crazy. I’ve been in the Cities for over 6 years now (June 4^th actually marked that day – I’m working my way to 7 now.). Ugh. Well not “ugh” really – it’s just been a long stretch of not much accomplished, it seems. Yeah, yeah, I got my masters but I don’t use it. It’s just a piece of paper taking up space on my bookshelf. And yeah, I have this great job, but I’m starting to feel like I’m not challenged enough.

That all may change tomorrow. The big bomb that fell early in August is coming to a head tomorrow. All parties are meeting to determine how this will work. A good friend gave me the best advice: Think before you talk. I’m leaning towards not talking at all unless I’m asked specifically.
So I’m working on my KSA’s today – Knowledge, Skills, Abilities (my short hand for job description, which has really become a long-handed way of it since it took this much space to explain what I meant by KSA’s. Oh well) – listing everything that I do. This has been a work in progess. Trying to list everything that my job has become over the past 4 years is a large task. But I can make it I’m sure.

Anyway, my point at the beginning of this is that Saturday marks my 4^th year here and October 26 marks my 10^th year in the Air Guard. Wow…10 years…it seems like longer some days and like I just got in other days. Crazy. But I love it. Seriously, could a person be luckier to have 2 jobs they love?

And to celebrate me and my ability to persevere I bought me this. It appeals to all my senses: chocolate, planes and giving to a great place. A win-win-win situation.

Guinness is good

What a great weekend. Well, though it sounds pretty pathetic Friday and Saturday I did next to nothing, though I got a lot accomplished. I cleaned my house, updated my budget spreadsheet (I laugh as I type that) and caught up on weekly television. Highlights of that part: I fixed my vacuum (though it still sucks, and not in the good way) and fixed my television with the help of a telephonic moment with my mother. Very cool.

But Sunday – ah, Sunday night was a great night. Aaron, Tim and JB came over to grill out and hang out for the evening. The boys brought Guinness so all was good with the world. I’m amazed that after having three, I didn’t wake up with a hangover or headache at all. In fact, I slept incredibly well, though I am a bit tired, but I feel great!

The night was great though. It’s always fun to hang out with new friends. We ate outside in the dark, then moved in for pie and cards. Highlights of that night: a connection was made, and Aaron and I kicking ass at cards. Oh, and the Guinness, of course.

Blowing raspberries – or something like that

A gentleman is standing in front of me, talking on his phone, and suddenly there’s this sound:

bbbbblllllllllrrrrrrppppp.

And then again.

bbbbblllllllllrrrrrrppppp.

He’s not blowing raspberries. So what in the world is he doing?

Oh wait -

He’s farting!

One of those days...

Today is great weather…perfect to sit in my broken chair, curled up with a great book or all the shows I missed this week which I, of course, religiously taped. However, I am here…here at my fabulous place of employment on the verge of a mini-breakdown this morning and feeling tired and overwhelmed at the pile of work ahead of me. Over the past few weeks I have found that I haven’t been able to get caught up on everything (though I suppose taking time to write this doesn’t help, but I don’t have a luncher so bear with me). It’s just one thing after another. I even had to call TE this morning to see which reservation it was I had called him about last week to make sure it wasn’t the one I had canceled. Ugh.

I’m a mess. I need a mental health day and I probably should have taken one today. Of course, then I feel guilty for thinking I should have taken this day off when I’ve taken so much time off in the past few weeks for guards and such. I wish I felt more comfortable with calling in ‘sick’ or taking a day off spontaneously, like some, instead of planning them out, but I always feel guilty calling a student last minute to work when I’m physically able but I just don’t want to.

Persevere, I guess and just keep on trucking. (T-R-U-C-K, keep on truckin’ all the way! T *clap clap* TRU *clap clap clap*, repeat) And maybe some aspirin.

People make me glad

This morning, actually just an hour ago, I helped a woman find a room so she could pump. She’s a guest on campus at a meeting upstairs and had thought maybe she’d just hang out in the copy room but it didn’t seem like the door would lock. Well I hooked her up in the little chapel (don’t tell the sacristan!) because I knew that door would lock and we put a note on the other door. She was really appreciative and I thought nothing of it since I was just doing my job.

Well, just a moment ago she came up and said she had a gift for me. She brought me a small plate of fruit with a muffin and a mug! She said she was really thankful I was willing to help her out so she could find a nice quiet place to do what she needed.

I’m smiling now. :)

It's a sad day

Yesterday was the last day of Fluid Pudding. If you have never been there, you missed it!

As part of her finale, Ms. Pudding :) entered one final meme. And in tribute to her, I am posting my answers here:

Why do you blog?

I write because I need to. It’s the way I express myself best, since I don’t talk good. So I write. This is also a way for me to keep up on my life. I used to try journaling but it never worked well on a consistent basis. Typing works well though as my fingers can keep up with my brain.

How long have you been blogging?
Since February 2005. My friend J-man convinced me it was what all the cool kids are doing and since then I have discovered the world of bloggers and it is amazing.

Self-portrait:
Um, not today, thanks.
But, I guess, the basics are:

• Height: 5’5”
• Weight: shrinking
• Eyes: bluish, greenish depending on my mood and what I’m wearing
• Hair: Auburn, though people never believe me. It used to be orange, people!

Why do readers read your blog?
Who knows! I think they’re crazy but on one hand it does keep us united.

What was the last search phrase someone used to get to your site?
I don’t know that people search to find my site. It’s kind of insane really.

Your current favorite blog:
Too many to name! I am going to miss A’s Fluid Pudding though. Seriously. Where else am I going to read about a girl who likes to smell soap?

What blog did you read most recently?
Fluid Pudding, natch. But I read several a day, and it’s hard to remember which was the last one.

What feeds do you subscribe to?
Only my hand. It feeds me quite well…too well, actually.

Who will I tag with this meme?
Anyone who wants to – or all 5 of you who read this. :)

Three blogs in one, lucky you

Little Miss Sunshine is an awesome movie. I highly recommend it. If you haven’t seen it, go and be prepared to laugh, cry, and be inspired.

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Stolen from menosblog

Good things my mother taught me:

• How to love unconditionally
• How to make krumkake and flatbread
• How to make hospital corners
• The importance of working your brain
• How to keep faith

Bad things my mother taught me:

• Perfection is key. Getting a B is not a good thing.
• How to interrupt/multi-task while talking on the phone
• How to be indecisive

Good things my father taught me:

• How to love unconditionally
• The difference between hearing and listening
• How to eat liver without gagging (it’s all about the beets)
• To not wait until you’re asked, but to just do
• To give without regret or expectation, and to give all you can

Bad things my father taught me:

• How to smoke without coughing (well not directly, but you learn well by standing by him and growing up with it)
• The goodness of grease and the yum of sugar and bread

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I’m feeling lazy today. Last week was such a blur with activity that today it’s chilly and gray skies and I just want to curl up in my chair with a good book or a great series. Luckily tonight begins premiere week so I can test out the best way to watch all my Monday shows. Ha!

Where did the week go?

As I sit eating the last of my SF Red Vines today, I am struck by the quickness in which this week has passed. It seems like just a day or so ago I was sitting in BDUs in front of a slow computer trying desperately to finish the paper so we could burn the disc and go. Of course I was just anxious to get out of that building, that room!, even though the day outside was chilly, wet and dreary. Of course, those who know me know that is my favorite weather.

This week has been a blur. Monday after drill is always a blur. I’m usually still reeling from the weekend activities but I’m also exhausted as hell from sleep deprivation and overworking myself. I was actually told this weekend I was disobeying my officer when I told him to leave so I could work alone for awhile. His response the next morning: “Disobeying an officer. Unwillingness to call it a day.” Most of that was in jest, but I know it annoys him when I’m there later. What he doesn’t quite understand, and I will inform him of this, is that tweaking and laying out the paper is so much better for me when I’m alone and it’s quiet. Having him there makes me nervous and besides when everyone is there it’s a great opportunity to procrastinate and chat. I need to work alone sometimes!

Tuesday was another blur because I was so nervous I don’t remember much of it. This was the day DL and I explained to SEC that the committee was no longer and we are now called SPOT (seminary professionals organization team). DL and I have been working on this for months and I was really worried about the backlash. There wasn’t any during the meeting but I have heard some today. Wednesday Kate and I met to set up the webpage, which I love, and we sent that out as a link to everyone that afternoon. This was my most brilliant moment: for the email out to all the staff, Kate put the logo on it with a tiny word “click” and an arrow. That was it. Suh-weet!

Wednesday was a blur, Thursday was worse (I actually hid during lunch. I went outside and ate instead of just on the couches near my desk. It was great and much needed but I felt like I was trying to be incognito.)

The one moment I liked was sitting on the bench and watching couples having lunch together. One couple teaches here and they were sitting together having lunch and chatting. Another couple had lunch with their newborn in the stroller, sitting, talking and enjoying the weather. One other walked hand-in-hand down to the village. I long for days like that. Slowing down to enjoy each other and life.

Today is okay. I had a great meeting with Joe from Dale Carnegie this morning on possible speaker topics/options and today has been much quieter than the rest of the week. Tonight I get to see Little Miss Sunshine with JB, so it’s sure to be a good time.

On sale today! WOOHOO!

Buy it! Enjoy it! Love it! :)

Analyze this

So this morning I woke up with many strange thoughts. First I thought I had gotten fat or pregnant over night, but it turned out I was just clutching my spare pillow around my tummy so I just felt fat (I also remember having the vision of the beginning of Amelie when they show the woman’s body changing over the 9 months of pregnancy – very weird). But the second was much more disturbing.

Last night I dreamt that I was fired from my job. Not for anything on this blog but for a random comment I had made to someone about nothing. But it was the firing that disturbed me, it was how I found out.

I was sitting at my desk, those of you who know my desk understand the lack of privacy associated with said desk, and up comes DG, one of our crew guys. DG walked up to me with the saddest look on his face and said, “S, I’m so sorry.” I said, what happened? He said, “You were fired this morning.”

I was in shock for a moment but then figured he was kidding, but still had that nagging feeling that he may be right. He left and up comes VS and AL who said the same thing. Then JR came who said it, too. Suddenly I’m getting paranoid, so I call up DL and ask him if it’s true and why. He said, yes, and I said that didn’t make sense and can we at least make a deal? I suggested staying on until they could hire someone or at least through the end of the year, he suggested I stay on 5 more weeks and then be done. I think I agreed to that one but still was confused why I was fired. AND confused why I was fired via crew members and not by him.

It was all very confusing and I’m not sure what to make of it. Does this mean subconsciously I want to stay here or just that I don’t want to get fired? And what’s with the end of the year or the 5 week option?

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One other thing, I know I didn't write about 9/11 yesterday and I felt like I should have. Five years my unit has been part of the war on terror, and it's not ending anytime soon. So I guess, I don't just think about 9/11 once a year, but everyday I am reminded. Maybe I'll talk about that another day more. But I thank all who did write about the day and remember all the heroes and all the fallen. God bless.

A “must do” again soon

My weekend in the land of cheese and beer was awesome! It was so great to see K&E again. Lots of drinking (and K, I’ll try to improve my tolerance level before I see you guys next), lots of shopping (cute shoes! shown at the bottom here, except mine have little sparkles on them. again…if I only had a digital camera, *sigh*), lots of great food and most importantly, a fabulous time with my great friends whom I love and miss.

A recap list:

• Hyde :)
• Talking randomly with the bartender
• Fish Fry!
• Sleeping in…and in…and in…
• Bees!
• 4 mile hike
• Shopping!
• Marty’s!
• Alterra’s!
• BEES!
• The pier…*sigh*…SO beautiful (we must go back!)
• Going all the way to the end. :)
• Scary men talking randomly to us on the pier
• Waving to J-man
• Pier 347…mmmmmmmmm
• Cold Stone
• Running in the rain
• Grilling with E – showing my manly side
• Meeting Amused (who made me chuckle when we were introduced and she said, “Hi, I’m Amused.” And I thought, am I that funny already?)
• Great conversation over large young chicken breasts :)
• And of course, CUTE SHOES!

Great advice for the start of September

And as I drive to the land of cheese and beer I am going to contemplate these from stuffandjunk linked from say la vee.

it's been how long?

I’m going on vacation! YAY! Today I venture off into the land of cheese and beer for a fabulous and sure to be fun-filled weekend with K&E, and Hyde, of course. I have been waiting months to see them all again but schedules just never worked out. We’re all too busy with our real lives, but this weekend we’ll get to play a little and relax before the hustle and bustle of our lives return on Tuesday.

Have a great holiday weekend to those of you who have it off. And those of you who don’t, thank you for all your service to others!