Paranoia

Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean that they aren't out to get me. - Woody Allen

This is one of my favorite quotes…though it’s probably not the best and really, when you read that, what does that say about me?

I think C is avoiding me. Of course I could just be paranoid, as I usually am. But she has barely talked to me in the past week or so. I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve done something wrong of because of this job thing. I went up to see her at noon today but she wasn’t there so I didn’t get to ask. She’s been coming in the top door and leaving the same way. I’m not sure what to do about this. Just another factor to add to my stress list – on top of gaining weight back and trying to decide my future.

Licked by a nerd

I had the joy of playing with the cutest puppy in the world yesterday as well as hanging out with one of my dearest friends. So much fun – the licking, the petting, the playing (that would be with the dog, mind you) was a much needed release. It’s so awesome to feel that unconditional love. Don’t get me wrong, cats are great and when O’Ryan or Hyde snuggles up to me and purrs it’s one of the sweetest things, but there’s just something about a hand licking from a puppy to make you sigh and think that all is right with the world.

Also watched Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind. Great movie. I’m not always a big fan of Jim Carrey or Kirsten Dunst, but I was able to overcome that and really enjoy this movie…twisted but, man, what a mind blower. It made me think, not only about relationships I’ve had, but also about experiences. Everyone, including me (maybe especially me at this point of my life), wants a happy life – simple, no problems and at times to forget the bad. But it’s the bad parts that help make us who we are…it’s the tough struggles in our life that help shape and mold us into the person we are going to be…it’s what makes me me and you you. To take that away…to erase that part of your life is erasing part of yourself. The struggles aren’t always fun, but it’s what life is about.

Splitting hairs

Got my hair trimmed up yesterday. It’s still kind of long but more of a bob thing. Sort of. I don’t know. It’s okay. I’m still trying this whole growing out thing but we’ll see how much longer that’ll last. Today is so much better than it has been and hopefully it’ll grow a bit more evenly. But sometimes as I catch a glimpse in the mirror I feel like I’m 12. Not that I ever had long hair when I was 12, but you know.

A good weekend is upon me: Hanging out with MH tonight and JB tomorrow night, and cleaning and churching in between. All much needed activities.

On a side note, I think I need decision-maker’s anonymous. They have that somewhere, don’t they?

Zzzzzzz

Seriously having trouble sleeping lately. Well, last night wasn’t bad, though I’ve been having some weird dreams. (One was of DD not showing up for our meeting the other day; last night was about a guy I haven’t actually met yet and we were at a basketball game…good dream, but strange.) But other nights I have so not been sleeping well – waking up at 1 thinking I had slept 8 hours but finding it was only 3 and the suddenly feeling completely exhausted – but then not being able to shut my brain off to sleep. Then finally falling asleep around 4 or 5 and not being able to wake up and then running late all morning.

I was excited to get this info yesterday, except for me to be at work and focused at 0730 I should probably be waking at 0530. no wonder I can’t really focus on anything til about 0830 or 0900. I'm just causing severe cognitive impairment to myself. no wonder i'm a mess.

'What are you wearing? You look fabulous!' *

So one of my friends (*sigh* Schlenker) would always dress up when he knew he was facing a challenging day or if he didn’t have a lot to do(so he’d be motivated to get things done). Hence the avatar today. I can't afford fancy clothes and it's too cold to wear a skirt so I thought maybe the avatar evening gown and paparazzi would help just as well. :)

*I'm so Chandler Bing...except I don't really watch E! or ESPN. :)

Disconcerting Discerning

Attn Readers: for the record I haven’t made a decision yet. Any rumors that may be floating around that I’m leaving my job aren’t true. Hello! Still discerning! Haven’t made a decision yet! Sometimes I hate this place – the rumor mill is insane.

Okay back to this job thing…maybe I need to stop talking to people. The advice and discussion is great, but I’m now up to 3 options instead of 2 (which really doesn't help the decision process):

Stay at the InfoDesk
Move to CLI
Stay at the InfoDesk and continue to discern my career path for the next year, then make a change.

One friend said, shouldn't this be an easy decision - if it's so hard then maybe it isn't right. The problem is that in the discerning process I’m realizing more and more that this is not just a job change, this is a career change. If it was just a job change then it wouldn't be that big of a deal...but it's so much more than that. If I move to CLI, I’m saying to myself and others that I’m looking for a career in administration and that I’ll be here probably a goodly chunk of time (I don’t think they’d appreciate if I take the job and then leave in 8 months or a year). If I stay at the ID, I’m saying I want a job in events OR that I’m still discerning my future and will be here for at least another year before I make a change.

Both positions have their good points – they both have building blocks from which to grow. In CLI it’s building the position and the WMC to perhaps more that it could be than it is. In Events it’s building the department and working with catering to build a better correlation between the two to help create the department that I think really could be prominent, and maybe bring our department to the head of the game of event planning on campus. Staying in events and helping to build the department is a great way to build my resume for if/when I move on to another event office. Of course moving to CLI and helping to build that program would also be great for my resume if/when I leave here.

So it kind of comes down to where do I want to be in 5 years, or where do I see myself if 5 years. I’ve never been good at this part of life – looking ahead to where I want to be, to what I want to do. I’ve always fallen into my jobs – Arby’s Crew Leader (well, I sought that one out but I needed the cash and knew they would be more than happy to take me on since they wouldn’t have to completely train in a new person); my teaching gig (the school was in a bind and I was available); and all my positions here…they’ve fallen into my lap and have been convenient but I don’t know that they have been really things I’ve looked at as a future career. But now I’m in this one and I do enjoy the job…but is this where I see myself in 5 years? (well, not at the desk, but in events?)

It’s a blogiversary!

One year ago today I started this monstrosity…too funny. I remember one friend telling me that only pedophiles and geeks had blogs and if I needed to talk to call him. Well, I still call him, but I also still blog. This has become a great avenue for me to vent, talk, just spew info. I’ve tired journaling in the past but this has been the only thing that has really worked. And over the past year this medium has helped me to not only discover who I am but also my friends. Technology is taking over people, but in so many ways it’s such a good thing. It helps me to keep in contact with people in ways I never thought I would, and hopefully, they feel the same about staying in contact with me.

So anyway, thanks to you 5 or 6 people who read this. Maybe someday I’ll be as famous as Heather and you can say you knew me when… :)

from me to you

JB does this often with her recommendations. JF and MT have taken her up on this task…so I thought why not?

Water glasses – I found these first at the Bibelot and only bought two, then gave one to my mom, silly me. Must have more! I love these.

Chatterbox – Awesome place to hang out…better during the week when it’s less crowded, but can you really ever go wrong with a bar that has an Atari?

TB – I grew up on these books and love them still today. Mindless reading with very little plot, and there’s always the question of whether or not Jim and Trixie will finally get together! Good for the teenage sap in all of us.

My Blue Heaven and Johnny Dangerously – again, mindless comedies which just warm the soul. And great quotes! "Plus, no bicycle. It was a disappointing Christmas on many levels." "Did you know your last name is an adverb?"

Aprons when cooking – I recently bought this one since I’ve been baking so much lately and it’s fabulous. I love the extra towel!

Michael Buble – ah…’nuf said.

Things that make me smile…

Just a couple quickies, found courtesy of odious woman:

Cuss-o-matic: so sweet…I’m always looking for good comebacks at the ID.

Virtual person generator: Apparently, I created a 47-year-old male named Nathan who is unemployed, 5’7” and favorite movie is “The Passion of the Christ”.

Make Your Own Evil Plan: Key for anyone looking to accomplish world domination or something.

Okay...

So after a good conversation with CH, I’m back to square one again. (tangent: I loved Square One TV. I wish it was still on.)

So goal for today and tomorrow: Name my strengths, weakness; pros/cons for both positions; look to future with where I’d like to be in 5 years (even though I hate that part).

Then meet with DD on Friday for a little more info on the CLI job and then make a decision over the weekend. By Monday I should have a decision in place.

I fear my future when it takes me 2 weeks to decide on a job.

Perfect S.A.D.*

What a perfect start to the day – overslept, cold shower and freezing rain. ‘can’t wait to see what the rest of the day brings.

*Singles Awareness Day

Still...

Ugh. let me just repeat that: ugh.

So the discernment is still going. I did meet with CAH which was good but didn’t really help my confusion.

Maybe I need to just take the job. Change is a good thing, right? It’s not like I’m indispensable or anything. It’s not like people can’t and don’t already cover for me if I need to be gone or I screw up.

But then I wonder where does that put me for the future?

I’ve been chatting with some close friends about this: K said “maybe the outcome God wants for you is simply a different perspective.” MW brought up that the extra money is nice but spiritual and emotional health are more important. These are great to think about but neither will I know unless I do take the job. I know where this job will take me. I know the challenges, hell I know what time of year is better than others – what times are slower than molasses and what times make me want to rip my hair out. It’s the unknown that scares me more than anything.

I went to Brokeback Mountain yesterday with mom. My friend Chris asked me this morning what I took from the movie, and seriously through most of it I was thinking about how scared I am – How I have not done things because I’ve been scared to do them. I saw that a lot in Ennis…not wanting to start a ranch with Jack, not giving up the little things to be with someone he loves or cares about, constantly worrying about what people would think. And I thought about the chances I’ve missed out on, many relationships, opportunities I’ve said no to because I was scared of what the consequences would be. Why is that? Have I been burned that much in my life that I just fear taking any chances? Am I destined to stay in one place forever? A friend in college used to tell me that I would be the perfect wife – because I’m stable. That stability keeps me from taking chances and instead having a lifetime of missed opportunities.

But all that said, I feel like I have to look to the future and what to do I want to do with my life, and dammit, I just don’t know. Damn vocations. I majored in music because it was easier to stay with that major than figure out what I really wanted to do with my life while I was in college. I went to seminary because my pastor asked me to go. I graduated with an MA instead b/c for once I figured out that the pastor gig didn’t work for me, but then I graduated with a sham degree b/c I just wanted to finish and not waste all the money and credits I had already earned. I took a job at the InfoDesk b/c I knew I could do the job well and it worked out with my schedule (plus I could finish my degree with help from LS paying the costs of classes). That need for stability has gotten me here – to a job that I enjoy, to a job offer that I would be good at too, and a fear of what lies ahead.

Why does this have to be so hard? Of course, some would say it isn’t hard…you just decide and you live with your decision. ‘cause maybe it doesn’t work out…you just find a new job. and then I’m right back where I am now.

So ugh.

*sigh*

What to do. What to do. What to do. What to do. What to do.

What do you do when you’re happy in your job position, but you get offered another job? And what if that job is at the same company where you currently work? And what if it pays more money?

Rock
Me
Hardplace

Had lunch today with a fabulous woman: Laure is so funny and amazing (she ran a half marathon this weekend – hello! It’s February!), I just love hanging out with her. She, her husband and I basically closed the party down at Christmas…too fun! Anyway, she invited me out to lunch to talk about a job possibility in her department. Apparently she’s been working up the courage to ask me for 3 weeks now. The position would be cool – working with the CLI and WMC students and contacts, traveling a couple times a year to Berkeley, meeting new people, making new connections, etc.

The sad thing is – losing control of LS (I AM the Dir. Of First Impressions, as well as the person who runs this place, you know) :), switching positions mid-year, leaving a place I do enjoy working, hurting CAH.

It makes me think about mom – someone had told her last week to retire on her time, not when it’s best for the bank. So if this is right for me I need to go for it, right? And not worry about the ID or CAH or whatever? The problem is I have this responsibility trait and I feel obligated to follow through on my tasks. There are so many things coming up I don’t want to miss out on and I don’t really feel comfortable leaving to someone else. But are those reasons enough to stay?

Then there’s the guard factor – in my unit if you want to switch positions or try for another opportunity, 9.5 times out of 10 you are encouraged to do so. There seems to be an overwhelming notion of doing your job well, but also of advancement of your career and position. You just don’t see 40-yr-old Senior Airmen working as a computer tech or an apprentice. But here, granted once you come to LS you generally stay or you’ll be back shortly after leaving, there isn’t a whole lot of department movement. Very little in fact…And I’m not sure how that would go over.

It’s nice to be wanted, I will say. It’s quite a boost to my ego to be told that I’m really good at my job and when the position was developed I was the first person they thought of for the job. Apparently I have good skills, even if I’m not completely sure what they are.

I have some time to think about this…which is good. Laure’s going to put it on the LS website for job offerings so I’ll have to actually apply. She didn’t want to do that but I think it’s better if she does. Maybe someone else is qualified who is actually wanting to leave their job. And if I do decide not to apply, and maybe even if I do, I could use the salary package as leverage for my current position, not that it would probably help. I, at least, need to tell CAH about this...somehow.

So…what to do. What to do. What to do…

Ugh.

And so the weekend begins...

Friday mom retired from her job at the bank. Wow. I’m still amazed to be saying those words. She turns 62 this year and I know she’ll be fine, it just seems odd to take it all in. When you’re younger you never think about your parents not working, especially when they’ve worked all your life. I mean, you know it’s going to happen, but you never really think about it seriously. Kind of along the same lines as your parents dying: You know it’s going to happen, but you never really think about that moment.

I realized earlier this week that I am the same age mom was when she was pregnant with me. She had 3 kids and me on the way by this point in her life. It’s a little surreal. Especially since I can barely get a date. :)

Anyway, Friday the SD/MN kids took mom out for supper to celebrate. Max and family couldn’t make it due to distance and poor planning on our part. They were all missed. Supper was fun – it was great to see the little kids.

Now I’m protecting the upper Midwest from a pubic affairs emergency. Or something like that. I’ve been here two hours already, eight more to go…

It's just so hard to say no...

RAC commented (finally!) on my posting below and hinted I may have left some important items blank – what am I doing today, tomorrow…etc. And since I struggle giving up on opportunities to procrastinate a little more, I thought I’d actually try this. The problem here is that these may be seen as goals, and if I don’t fulfill my goals, I may sink deep into the ‘pit of despair’. (sorry, momentary Albino moment) But alas, I will try to list the things I want to accomplish today and tomorrow and see how this goes.

Today (to include the weekend)

• Complete the work tasks I’ve been planning to finish since Jan. 1 (I won’t list them all here…I can’t make this THAT boring of a blog)
• Pack up the cookies at home to take to work or ANG this weekend (to keep me from eating them)
• Check flights to Texas, again, for pricing
• Pack for the weekend
• GYM!
• Layout ideas for the July TB – color? Background? Talk with VI for ideas…begin layout?
• Mom’s retirement party/dinner
• Check on Tre
• Prepare meals for the week (at least til Wed)
• Stop making cookies!

Tomorrow (to include the next few weeks)

• Make the gym a priority, not an exception
• Stop making cookies! (w/ the exception for V-day)
• /Or/ at least bake less cookies!
• Book flight to Texas
• Finish blanket(s) for Cletus
• Stop eating cookies!
• Sort through clothes for good will (could be detrimental due to #’s 2 and 6)
• Shop for new clothes (call KS!) (see #7)
• Go to Texas (but don’t move there, yet – Frye would be very upset)
• Hook RAC on blogging.

procrastinating, again...

This time via JB…

10 YEARS AGO:
1. i worked at the nsu library on work study and at Arby’s full time while going to school full time
2. i lived in my very first apartment with bethy – we had a “Wall of Jim”
3. i was dating Jim “Ripped His Knee”
4. i hated my degree program but felt trapped in some ways
5. at the end of the year I joined the SD Air National Guard

5 YEARS AGO:
1. i was beginning my fourth semester at luther
2. i lived in Bockman the first half of the year
3. i had made a trip north to some small city to see my friend Tim play
4. then I made a trip to CSprings for a week to see Tim again
5. i moved into a basement of a house the second half of the year

1 YEAR AGO:
1. i spent 2 weeks in MD at a guard school
2. i sang my first solo at Central
3. i began the re-evaluation of my life
4. i went to a strip club with friends (not to dance) for mardi gras
5. i weighed the most than I had since college

6 MONTHS AGO
1. i began my lifestyle change
2. i became more specific about my connections with people
3. i started running again and began looking at gyms to join
4. i began a great friendship with A1 & A2
5. three of my dearest friends moved away from me

YESTERDAY:
1. i was horribly unmotivated!
2. i weigh what I weighed in college (but not the lowest I was in college)
3. i did my best to be available for a friend in need, but probably failed miserably
4. i experienced a moment of SUI (shopping under the influence)
5. i had wingy!