And your name is...?

Do you ever see someone and say "Hi, so-and-so" and then wonder if you actually called them by their right name?

Baptism

Today is a baptism...the rain is a rebirth into a new life, a new world. It's incredible. I love it! I just wish I were home sitting in my garage where I could watch the rain wash away all the dirt and dreariness of the winter. Ah... *sigh*

No word from Scott and I've succumbed to the fact I'll never hear from him again. Well, that's not entirely true since I'll see him at the C&S event April 10. But I'm sure he'll avoid me and I'm not going to go out of my way to seek him out. Mike said he wants to smack him up 'cross the head. I hope he does so! :) Oh and the 10th will be interesting since David is the student speaker I think. Joy. What a great day that'll be....

Mark got his Mini last week. It's so cute! He's worried about us parking next to each other in case they were to mate and then we'd have little Mini's running around. I need to find him a little one like Mary or Lisa got me - maybe a white one I could put gray spots on or vice versa. :) He was worried about leaving it outside in the rain today, so I declared today his baby's baptism day. I'll have to find him a candle or at least a rubber ducky to commemorate it. :)

Holy Holy Week, Batman!

Okay, so I know it's holy week and all, but really...no contact since last Thursday? Is that a good sign? I don't think so. I know he's busy but even just a quick note, "hey, I'm fine, surviving...things suck...talk to you soon" would be nice. But nothing. He did ask last week about dinner this Thursday, but Cantorei sings at Central. If it was the bigger choir I'd probably skip but it's the small choir and I really feel like I should be there. dang it. i'm trying to be patient but that's truly not my strongpoint.

Tiny Pies, Aaron, and...

I made tiny pies again yesterday. My sister thought it was kind of a cute idea and this time they didn't fall apart as bad as they did the first time! YAY! I used my other muffin tin and a slightly bigger circle for the base...I made little slits so I could form it in the tin, which worked but I need to remember to press those sections together better...two of them leaked a bit. But one turned out perfectly! So I took that to Debbie after church. She had a solo which was really nice - a Jean Faure piece called "The Palms" - very fitting for yesterday. Anyway...she thought it was super cute and fun. YAY!

Aaron...ah, Aaron. In the words of Beth, "I'd sleep with that voice." Damn, that boy can sing. Aaron is playing Marcello in the Theatre Latte Da production of "La Boheme" playing through April 3 (the best day of the year!). But, again, Damn! He's so incredible and what a stage presence. wow!

okay...so Discardia isn't going as well as I would like. I do have some things at least up and in boxes, but not enough. Tomorrow night I HAVE to focus - it's essential! And to make matters worse, apparently we have mice in the house. A&A saw one Friday night in their kitchen and I've been hearing them in my bedroom walls the last two nights. Nothing like waking up at 3:30 in the morning to the pitter patter of tiny mice feet. ick.

Scary Update

Karen...those are the best goals I have ever seen! Excellent, Smithers! I'm excited to start working on them. I'll let you know how it goes.

For the record though, I got home last night and came up with a plan. I was looking around my house and realized that my cupboards and bookshelves were fairly organized but my floors were in shambles with papers, magazines, clothes, and just stuff laying everywhere. Discardia officially starts on Sunday, but I'm going to start today and put together some boxes and start sorting things - clothes for goodwill, stuff for guards all in one place so I'm not searching every month, files where they need to be filed...etc. I have a plan, it's written down and I'll be setting it in motion tonight. Wish me luck!

We are on the road to hotness

There's my new motto. :) Of course I share the motto with Jay. He sent a new work out for us today...ugh. I did the three mile run which felt great, I will admit. I took it at an easy pace since it's literally been months since I have been in the gym. But man, it was great to be able to run again. The next step will be adding in the weights again...tomorrow. I'm switching the plan around a bit since I'll have to shovel tonight. UGH! SNOW! And tomorrow, hopefully the gym will be less busy.

I never used to have a problem working out with the guys, but of course, for a good portion of the time Jay was with me so I was more worried about him than the other guys and Jay made me concentrate on my form instead of what the jocks were thinking. Oh well...I'll get back there again.

Apparently people think I'm already losing weight so I shouldn't have to work out. Joan said that today, Brenda asked me what I was doing to lose since it looked like I had lost a lot recently and mom even said something similar when I was home for guards. I guess being stressed, having no appetite and hardly eating is finally paying off. :)

So like I said, there's the motto for Jay and I: We are on the road to hotness. I'm going to post that wherever I can to remind me that he comes back for graduation in 6 weeks, Anthony's wedding is in 4 and Mr. Olympia is coming in October and boy do I want to be ripped for that one - not to compete but to be there as someone who people look at and say, "damn, now why isn't she entered?" :) That may not quite happen but it's a nice goal. baby steps...

Scary

Okay...someone named Anonymous asked me how Wednesday night went. I'm not sure who Anonymous is and since not many know I have this site I'm a little scared. Oh well...

I did try to write all this yesterday but it didn't take for some reason and I got annoyed and didn't feel like retyping it all. Wednesday went okay. It wasn't as good as I wanted it to be. The chanting sucked...I was off on the first section and ended about a step higher than I should have. But after that Debbie said I settled into it quite nicely. The solo wasn't very good...I wasn't expecting the accompanist to play the organ...it's hard to hear on organ but it worked I guess. Carolyn and I hadn't had a chance to practice together so we were truly winging it. Whatever it's done.

It was just an off night in general...no one really was - well there was a weird disconnect in both choirs and having to sing between the two rehearsals didn't help me at all. No one was on pitch, nothing seemed to be flowing together smoothly...it was like we were fighting with ourselves the whole way. We got to one point where I'm supposed to sing the middle part with a trio and by that time I was so frustrated and depressed I felt like I couldn't hear a thing and I was singing completely off, which made me even more frustrated. Later we practiced together and I still felt off...I just felt naked and exposed and people were laughing at me...even though they weren't.

Debbie, dear sweet Debbie, came up to me after teh rehearsal and said..."You need to not let them control the trio. You're not getting the notes wrong, you just think you are. You're better than you think. Have the confidence and sing out!" That was a little much suddenly and I started to cry...which made Debbie feel guilty and then I felt guilty for making her feel guilty...

I just seem to have no confidence in myself lately and it's frustrating. Last night, Mary and I were walking through Ikea and we were talking about Jay for some reason and she said, "No, he wouldn't date you because you have no goals." damn...talk about a slam. It took me a bit to realize that she wasn't even talking about the first time Jay and I met when he wasn't quite dating Heather yet, but then was 'because she asked me out first." No, he said this to her not all that long ago...I have no goals, I have no purpose for my life and I'm just wandering through apparently.

Now granted that's true...and that's really scary. Because I don't know how to fix it. I am in awe of people who have found their passion in life. I have no idea what mine is. ugh.

Ella-wannabe

Tonight I have to sing for Central's last Lenten service of the church year. Sunday is Palm Sunday so tonight's the final round before Holy Week. It's a little nervewracking. Don't get me wrong, I've had solos before...in fact the last one with Central was in January and, not to toot my own horn, but I did pretty well. Of course being encouraged by Mark helps a lot. It's so fun to sing for him! It's nice to be appreciated ("Oh, it's so sad. He's not even appreciated in his own time. I'd give anything to not be appreciated in my own time!"). But tonight requires chanting...not my forte but I guess I'll make it through...and then the solo during offering. A little scary. I guess we'll have to see how it goes!

Biased? ha!

My friend Russ is a writer. Well, let me clarify (clarity minus 3!). He's not a writer in the sense of Stephen King or Ernest Hemingway, more like Jim Garamore. Russ writes for his local newspaper. He and I met at DINFOS when we were attending the Basic Journalist Course for our respective services. I beat him out by 3 months for the title of section 3 leader which teamed me up with JO2 Joel Ceaser (at the time...I think he got promoted since then). Anyway, I've been bugging Russ to send me some of his stuff to read. So today, after accusing me of being biased - wait let me get this right... "Thanks so much for the compliments on my writing. God knows your biased, but it made my day nonetheless." So there you go. I made someone's day. Russ IS a good writer though, if you like reading news stories. Here are some of his.

This whole blog thing reminds me of something Joel once said to me when I asked how to improve my writing. He said, "WRITE!" Of course, he meant a novel or something stellar like that, but I think this works just fine for now. Of course Jay would still find me a sad, pathetic case since I'm blogging instead of talking to him, but I think there are times when a girl just needs to write/type things down. This has become a neat kind of journal for me and since I'm on the computer everyday anyway, this works well. yay!

YAY!

HE WROTE! Yay! I totally forgot that he likes to go underground when writing sermons. He even told me that Tuesday I think. And he needed to this week. Lazarus isn't an easy one. I'm so stupid. Oh well, But he wrote so yay! Now I'm back to the waiting game...will he call? will we see each other again? Or is this just leading up to heartbreak. I know, I need more patience. Low expectations, and all that jazz. Anyway, yay for now! :)

Weekends...ah

Weekends are so good. This weekend I had absolutely nothing planned (with the exception of course of church - but that's not a planned function but a necessity to function). So Friday night, I went home and watched Joan and Johnny from last week and then Numbers. Man! What great shows! Saturday I woke up the normal time, but forced myself to stay in bed a little longer...one of those obligations a person feels on a weekend they have off...sleep in while you can! But I ended up getting up around 7:30 or 8 and putzed til 10 when I could call Mary. Of course, Mary was still in bed! Silly woman. We ran some errands, I made tiny pies (update below) and knitted my little heart away while watching old episodes of CSI. I was glad I did...I had forgotten one of Doc Robbins best lines - Gil says, "Doc, tell me something I don't know." And Doc says, "Okay, when I was in fourth grade I dropped out of karate because a kid half my size made me cry." Gil pauses and says, "About the body, Al." I forgot how funny that was! :) Yeah, I 'm a dork.

Anyway, Sunday was spent driving around in the morning...where I will not say...and then going to church. We sang Mark Sedio's "Rich in Promise", a beautiful piece well-fitting for Lent and the story of Lazarus. It was great. Of course I decided to be an alto this week since the women were all on the same line so I sat by Debbie. That was a mistake. My tummy started to grumble because I skipped breakfast (that whole fasting thing on the morning of communion...big mistake!). It was just a quiet grumble, but super loud. Susan kept turning around. It was really bad because Debbie and I were laughing so hard and we're in the front row! UGH! And Gary had a really good sermon going too. NOTE TO SELF: Must eat breakfast!

After church, I went home and vegged - CSI, knitting, relaxing. It was a pretty good day all in all. I feel like I should have done more and anyone reading this probably thinks I'm a pretty pathetic individual. Oh well. It was my first weekend off in a long time.

Tiny Pies!

Nothin' like tiny things to perk a person right up! YAY! I'm going to try these this weekend! How fun!

Still nothing from Scott. Well, I may have to officially throw in the towel. I'm so impatient, but what do you do? I guess you have to be honest with yourself. He's not interested. If he were he'd be calling or at the very least emailing. I guess I'll just have to start my 31st year as a single woman, yet again.

Got absolute clarification on a D. issue today. That was hurtful but necessary. Thank God for friends. (Charles!)

UPDATE: Okay so the tiny pies were great! However, I'm still working on the best way to extract them from the muffin pan. (Which, of course, but the whole Shrek banter between Lord Farquaad and the Gingerbread man in my head: "do you know the muffin man?" "the muffin man?" "The muffin man" "Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on drury lane?") Anyway, these were small and yummy. I'm going to get a mini muffin pan and try smaller ones. I also recommend the dough you unfold instead of the ones in the pie tins...that I think will work better. :) Yay for tiny things!

guh

First, YAY! It's a Friends Weekend! I got Season 9 in the mail today. I'm so excited. Mary and I have been helping our friend Nick learn Friend-ish. He doesn't quite know how to speak our speak and so a couple weeks ago we helped him learn the Friends vernacular by having him watch a few (well, 10) choice episodes from Season 1. Soon we'll watch Season 2, which is, of course, the best because of Eddie and Richard. I can't wait, but for now I get to watch Season 9 all weekend...which of course I can do because I have no life.

Which is a perfect segue into the next mind-numbing pathetic banter I can write because now I have this blog and I can. Forewarning to anyone reading...you may want to skip the next parts...it'll just be me being the pathetic girl that I am.

Went out with Kris last night. We had a lot of fun at Don Pablo's drinking, eating, chatting. She's so fun, but she was the second married person yesterday to say, "I'm so glad I'm not out there anymore." That makes me feel so great. I hate dating. I'm so glad I could set up my friends Karen and Nick but now I'm still sad and alone. I think I'm just going to stop looking, because (to paraphrase Ellen Degeneres in the movie "Mr. Wrong") that's when it happens, when you stop looking. But really, I'm just sick of being rejected or ignored or put off. It's just getting annoying. I'm a great person, great kisser (ask Troy!) and any married guy I talk to who really knows me doesn't understand why I'm still single. Maybe it takes being married to understand what I have to offer and single guys just don't get that. I don't know. Maybe I put myself out there too much and it's just screwing me over. I know I was too 'me' Tuesday but I didn't know it would scare him away like that. I guess I should have though, since being me has scared off every other guy I know.

This is why I hate dating it's the fricking mind games...if he calls he likes you if he doesn't even though everything went great then he doesn't but he might still call so hold on to that hope for a little while longer but don't put yourself out there because now the ball's in his court and you can't do anything to show that you actually may like the guy because that will come off as needy and that's not good because in reality he probably doesn't like you and is just trying to figure out how to tell you that you really just suck and that he never wants to see your pathetic excuse for a female face ever again.

God I just disgust myself. I hate feeling this way, and I hate that I'm letting a guy be the reason I feel this way. I think I need to just get away from here for awile - sans guards, sans work, sans people - just go away and figure out who I am and what I'm doing. ick

Laughter from the boys room

It's a little scary when you know 3 profs just walked into the Mens restroom and suddenly all you hear is laughter. What is going on?! Skip came out and I said, "Smokin' in the boys room? What's going on?" He said, "We're telling dirty jokes." I said, "And you're not sharing with me?" Randy walked by and laughed at me at that moment. Hey! I'm a military girl, I like a good dirty joke as well as the next guy or girl! :)

Rules, Files, Lent and the neverending discernment

So Jay says he gets 2 days to call. We'll see. I'm going out with Kris tonight who I think he was going to call yesterday, so maybe she got more of a scoop. And I know he and Hal are doing lunch today so maybe he'll stop by. I guess we'll see...low expectations, right? That's what it's all about. But maybe I should just stick with hitting on the gay boys. At least they respond. :)

Yesterday was productive, yet not. My other office was in shambles Tuesday when I left to meet Scott and I was on the verge of tears feeling out of control at the situations at hand. Thank God for Mary who kept me sane on the way to my date. Thank God for Troy for boosting my ego again....shadow puppets and all. :) But yesterday, I went in early - basically skipping lunch, though I did eat my eggs - and cleaned off the desk, set up files like I've been meaning to, and got my life somewhat organized. Kathy came in later and cleaned up her side of the room too. I think this will help us both. The last few weeks with all the insane mailings, phone calls, meetings - we're both just going nuts! We have a bit more organization now so maybe the next few weeks will go smoother.

2 more weeks of Lent. I'm going to miss this season. It's depressing yet energizing, looking forward to what's to come - we know what's going to happen, and yet it's still so exciting. Christ is going to rise for us! WOW! It's an incredible gift. Too bad it gets sucked up in 'rabbit season' instead. I'm singing in church next Wednesday. Finally picked out a song last night at the last minute. It's "I Need Thee Every Hour" and very fitting for me right now. Here's the text:

I need Thee every hour, Most gracious Lord;
No tender voice like Thine can peace afford.
I need Thee, O I need Thee;
every hour I need Thee!
O bless me now, my Savior, I come to Thee.
I need Thee, O I need Thee;
Every hour I need Thee!
O bless me now, my Savior, I come to Thee.

It's pretty simple, I could certainly do more or something a little more difficult, but this is pretty fitting for me, and others?, right now. (Plus, Ethan thought I sounded good...and I was just practicing!) :) I need God more than ever as I continue to struggle with this whole discernment process. You'd think I'd know what I want to do with my life - I'm 30 years old! (almost) ugh. Hopefully the Strength Finders class I'm doing with Krista will help. Maybe meeting with Mons would help too. I guess we'll see.

Blown it

Well I guess, I'm not all that I thought I was cracked up to be. Well I'm cracked but that's a whole other story. So I had my date last night with the pastor man. It was great! He's really funny and cute and we talked and talked getting to know one another better. We were having a great time, I thought. But I think I may have scared him away...I was a little too much me and I haven't heard from him all day. Mary kept warning me, "Be yourself, but not too much." but I think I failed in that quest. Questions he asked led to me rambling and babbling like an idiot and then of course, twice, he brought up my future and I just don't know what my future holds. When I stumbled because I was starting to choke up - it happened right as I said, "I'm try to have enough faith to lean on..." and that was when I choked and stuttered. I couldn't get out God which is what I wanted to say, and I stuttered and sounded like an idiot as I took a deep breath and said, "Anyway..." That was close to the end of the night and I think that threw a wrench in it all. But the night ended with us laughing at a joke about a choir group whose leader we both know and then a sideways one-armed hug, which I really don't know what that meant. But he said, So I'll talk to you soon? I wasn't sure if he was questioning me or himself. I said Yeah, that'd be great and we parted ways.
So now we're on the next day...I emailed him around noon to say thanks for the night and say I hope we can get together again soon...or something like that. But alas, nothing from him. I know it's a Wednesday and it's Lent and all but still. :( I'm sad.

Dreams = Future?

I had a dream last night in which I was having my yearly review with my boss, Carol, and for some reason the payroll administrator. Things were going fine but at the end of it Nicole, playing the role of Cindie, informed me that Carol had gave me such a great review and had recommended me for a promotion to manager and my raise would be effective the following Monday (I think it was a Friday in my dream). "Yay," I shouted. But then I paused. What did this mean, Manager? I already am the InfoDesk manager. What difference was this going to make? Nicole/Cindie went on to explain that my hours wouldn't change much but I'd be working in a different office for the afternoons. She said, "Due to this change you don't have to come in to work until 8am". Well then, that wouldn't help me much - somehow I thought I still wouldn't have a lunch. All in all it was a pretty strange dream, esp. in light of what Howard and I had talked about a few weeks ago regarding my future here at Luther.

I really wish I could figure out my future, either here at Luther or elsewhere. I had a great talk yesterday with Sean W about my military life. Sometimes I wish I could just be full time guard or something but then when I talked with Anthony a few weeks ago about it he hated it. I guess I'll just have to wait it out...