It's almost April!

What a day. It’s raining. I love the rain. It was raining a year ago too. Weird. It’s Mark’s Mini’s baptism day, as I had declared back then. It’s all good.

Called mom this morning at 0600 – I thought about doing that at 0445 when I woke up and wishing her a happy birthday then, but as LR said, that would be just cruel. Mom said that turnabout is fairplay, but what is she going to do – call me at 10pm? Haha

I just wrote and deleted a recap of the week. You don’t want to read that anymore than I want to recap it. It’s just been busy. But a good busy. But it’s leaning toward the weekend now, being Thursday and all, so I’m starting to look at baking recipes to see what I can do on Saturday. It’s kind of become my baking day. There are some cute recipes on the M&M’s page. I need to work on my cakes, cupcakes and especially my frosting techniques. I think my cookies are fine and I usually have pretty good success with any I make. But now it’s time to work on cakes and things since so many birthday’s are coming up. Emmy’s b-day is in a couple weeks and I had volunteered to try this cake, but I need to do something smaller first just to see. The Guinness cake was fine but these b-day cakes are a little different scheme of things.

Later…

Okay venting for a moment. Why is it that when you explain the system to a person they still don’t follow it?

And if you haven’t figured it out, I didn’t get the CLI job. And I’m okay with that. Transitions and changes are good but timing is everything. It does open my eyes a bit to keep an eye out for other options as time continues on.

So here’s some fun. Once you’ve done my Johari, go to my Nohari window. :) Don’t be scared…it’s all good.

Decision

Not me.

"When is a sidewalk fully dressed?"

“When it’s Waring Hudsucker!” natch.

I don’t know how that got into my head. I haven’t seen that movie in years, though it is one of my favorites.

Okay, actually, I take that back. I know how it got into my head. I thought to myself as I began to type, “I’m wearing down.” And my thought response was, “No, I’m Waring Hudsucker!” (yes, I answer myself in my head - sometimes out loud, too)

And one of the best…well what would you call this…sequence of lines (?) was in this film:

Board Member 1: What if you tire before it's done?
Board Member 2: Does it have rules?
Board Member 3: Can more than one play?
Board Member 4: What makes you think it's a game?
Board Member 3: Is it a game?
Board Member 5: Will it break?
Board Member 6: It better break eventually!
Board Member 2: Is there an object?
Board Member 1: What if you tire before it's done?
Board Member 5: Does it come with batteries?
Board Member 4: We could charge extra for them.
Board Member 7: Is it safe for toddlers?
Board Member 3: How can you tell when you're finished?
Board Member 2: How do you make it stop?
Board Member 6: Is that a boy's model?
Board Member 3: Can a parent assemble it?
Board Member 5: Is there a larger model for the obese?
Board Member 1: What if you tire before it's done?
Board Member 8: What the hell is it?

I love Board Member 1. It's so appropriate for today..."What if I tire before it's done?" Long day already. I seriously dozed and tossed from 12:15 on this morning. Everytime I’d try to fall asleep I’d start thinking about this event today and all my fears of it failing would come flying into my face. It’s kind of been my first event really, I mean, planning from the beginning with the client to the very end. I’ve tried to be very diligent and specific. So far it’s going okay. The next one tonight will also be a doozy but should (*cross fingers*) pull off fine, too.

But this tossing and turning is so not great. And now my motivation is starting to wear off – maybe I need some ice cream. Oh wait, no. That’s not good. But I need something. My snacks are all gone. :(

Hey go to my johari window! :)

Johari Window

I’ll play too, but I can’t get the link so I can set it up off to the side, so it is here instead.

Maybe I should drink more...

So KG is upset with me because I haven’t updated this blog lately…sorry girl. I just don’t always think there’s a lot to say here. Sometimes I think I get too wordy and talk about nothing, but if nothing is what you want then I suppose an update is in order…

Y’all will be happy to know that I didn’t drink myself into a stupor last Friday. In fact, I didn’t drink at all. I went home and made cookies instead. I’m not sure which is worse…maybe I should have drank instead. Less calories in the end but the munchies would probably be just as detrimental.

Church was great on Sunday – the choir sang at both services and the special choir for the Bell Celebration practiced between. Since I can’t be at that celebration I sat upstairs and read my book. Well, I actually ended up reading only two pages because the interim pastor came by and chatted with me for almost an hour. It was great…we chatted about this week’s text – specifically the Numbers text 21:4-9. The IP had been avoiding this text for 30 years and finally decided to preach on it. :) That made me chuckle and start to wonder about it, especially in light of last week’s OT text – the commandments. In that reading, God specifically says to have no false idols…and then in Numbers God tells Moses to make an idol, basically… Or do you call a bronze serpent on a stick an idol? Or is it a symbol of faith as we have with the crucifix and cross folks wear around their necks today? (or Buddy Christ if you prefer the Catholicism Wow! campaign.) It’ll be interesting to see what IP does with the text.

The rest of this week has been trying to fix all the crap that happened last week, especially since I came in on Monday and had half a dozen MORE emails about the same topic. And then by the end of the day that number had doubled again! Frustrating. It’s times like this that make me want to drink, but I don’t. I just go home and go to bed as soon as I can.

Tuesday was great because, after my massage with Keith, I went with a cool lady to Lo-To for my first visit ever and had my very first martini! I know, you’d think a 31-year-old would have had a martini by now, but nope. Lo-To was a cool place once you find parking. And so many cute boys! :)

I assisted in chapel yesterday with Stevie P preaching. It was a pretty good sermon (3 minutes) and my prayers were okay (stolen and revised from the Minister’s Desk Edition – which I still own). I spent most of the day chuckling at people who kept coming up to me telling me what a great presence I had and how good it was to see me there. Those acting classes really paid off! Many were surprised that I was able to assist so well, that is until they remembered that I had been a seminarian at one time. Heck, I even took worship with the incomparable PDub. :) too funny. But in all honesty it felt good to be there again…not that I like praying in public. MK said, “An OT person like you should know how to pray.” And I said, “No, the OT person in me says, ‘Listen to the silence and hear the word of God.’” So we had a longer bit of silence during the prayer.

Otherwise, life is just truckin’ along. Slowly getting ready for Alaska, though it seems odd that I’ll actually be there in a month. I can’t wait. But my alcohol tolerance is lacking, I best start training.

not so funny

Y’all know that joke I make that I run the school – that I am the one in charge? Apparently, it’s actually true. Apparently, it’s my job to open everything and make sure everything is running 24/7/365. Apparently, it’s even my job to cover for everyone else. Well, that’s not completely true, but I just got a note that someone thinks this is the case and has told others that I’m not doing my job and essentially pawning it (what they think is my job but is actually their own) off onto others. I’m a little crabby now…is this why this day is green? At least it’s a drinking day. Too bad I’ll be home alone doing it. Crabby. Crabby. Crabby. Crabby.

Some famous (?) one-liners

Some are even originally mine!

“Kiss this.”
“Ah, yes, but will the people sing fast?”
“Chicken!”
“Tuna!”
“Flit this!”
“I need to kiss a boy.” (natch)
“Dirty.” (BD)
“Hateful Jan” (BD)

There are, of course, stories behind these lines – most make no sense without the background, but oh well.

Words. Words. Words.

Ah…I love Shakespeare. It’s amazing how the plays can speak to any time, any place. The story lines may seem odd, the language hard to follow, but once you can comprehend what is being said, it’s simply amazing and can open so many doors to life.

The Guthrie is closing its original doors and moving to a new location by the river after this final production. They are closing up with Hamlet, as a tribute to the first show ever performed. The last show will be 43 years to the date the first show opened in the Guthrie (May 7 – get your tickets now!).

After the (amazing!) show last night, there was a discussion time with the actors. One couple stated they were very upset with the current location being shut down, having been season ticket holders since almost the very beginning. The actors took that to heart but also stated how much the spirit of the Guthrie moves with the group. Joe Dowling, Artistic Director, wrote in his dialogue in the program that “a theater is not a building. A theater is a group of people working together – actor and audience sharing a sense of our common humanity.”

This made me think, not only of theater (because what Joe says is incredibly true of theater people) but of the church. I think so many times people think of the church as a building (I know this is old hat to many of you reading it but I just need to type it out)…that the church building is where “God lives” and where ministry is done. E had made a point earlier this week about how to bring the Lenten discipline out of Lent and move it beyond Easter – moving the Fish Fry’s to a more needed place in the church world – beyond the times when it’s ‘only fish on Fridays’. This is such a hard thing to do when we live in the world of God on Sunday’s in the church building only.

But if we think in the mind of theater people – theater is everywhere. God is everywhere. It doesn’t just end in the church. A well-performed (even an ill-performed) play will stay with you forever, just as a sermon or ministerial moment will. There will always be remembrances, things that impact your life whether you know it or not, that take place in your whole being. God is the same way. Whether we like it or not, whether we know it or not…God takes place in our whole being. Who we are is a reflection and action of God’s work…as Hamlet said, “to hold, as ‘twere, the mirror up to nature; to show virtue her feature, scorn her own image, and the very age and body of the time his form and pressure.” Someone said last night, “We all have a little Hamlet inside us.” That’s true of God, too.

So maybe we need to think like Hamlet “…not in madness, But mad in craft.” Not crafty in the extent of conspiring to murder our uncle/father or aunt/mother but crafty in the way to help others to see God for who God is – 24/7/365.

It’s quite a feat, but since theater is everywhere, a little Hamlet is in all of us, perhaps we can bring the audience to life.

Well, that's done

Okay, so the meeting is done and over and I’m back to my normal place in life – at least for the time-being. No pressure or anything but the meeting was with R, R, L, KS and DD was supposed to be there but he was sick. UGH! But RN ran the conversation/interview nicely and I didn’t feel too overwhelmed, though I was shaking in my boots walking upstairs. (rac, you were right – apparently they’ve been watching me for a couple years now…weird)

So anyway, the conversation went very well – with no set expectations on either side…they know that I understand that I may not be offered the position, and I know that they understand that if they do I may not take it. They had asked about starting date, and L and I had talked about April 1, which to be fair to Carol would be the soonest I would feel comfortable leaving, and even that seems quick at this stage. RN said they won’t probably have a decision made now until next week, (due to some outside complications) but they would be in contact with me then about the progress and a start date may have to be changed or will at least be part of their discernment for the candidate.

We had a good discussion about the guard situation – and they were open to looking at different options – perhaps each person taking their turn a bit more and not relying completely on the assistant position.

Here’s a funny thought I just had – if I was offered and took the Program Assistant position I’d be a PA here too! Hahaha…I’m a dork.

Ahem…focus…so anyway…it was good to meet with them. If I do get offered and do decide to take the job, it’s going to be very hard leaving here, but maybe that’s a good thing, too. At least it means I’ve enjoyed my job here so much that it’s not an easy decision to make – if I was running from the job and wanting to start tomorrow, I guess as a possible employer I’d be worried about who I was taking on, but that’s just me.

So again – thank you to all who have helped me and prayed for me through this process. I couldn’t have done it without you (obviously). I value all of your opinions so much and it was comforting to know that I could ask you anything and you would be frank, open and honest. You are all valued deeply to me. Thank you!

Emotions

Nervous
Tired
Hungry
Thirsty
Scared
Confident
Indifferent
Determined
Worried
Backache

and my hair looks funny today.

here we go...

Meeting tomorrow, Tuesday, with R, R and L at 9.

weekend update

Friday was great! After work I picked up some groceries for the weekend then went to the gym. YAY! Then my pseudo-boyfriend was in town so I got to hang with him at the Dubliner – even had a Guinness (which I don’t normally drink) in honor of Keith and his kick ass workout CD. Saturday I vegged; Sunday I went to a Sacred Voice concert and ran into my landlords…very funny. I ran into A1 and she told me she has a recipe for a Guinness cake. I’m so stoked. I’m going to try it this week. She’s making it for a party she has on Friday. Pretty cool. i love new recipes.

This seems wrong...

I almost wish I hadn’t stopped eating these (too much sugar) 'cause this would be such a conversation starter.

Protect it!

“Is that a banana in your pocket, or…?”

Odd moment...

I was chatting with my friends K&M today (not the music company). I asked K about her job – she’s been working retail as of late while M works on his PhD. She said she applied for the CLI job Feb. 11 – the same job I applied for, but she hasn’t heard from L or R about it. (how’s this for code?) I’m wondering if her resume got lost in the mail – KR had been out sick for awhile and is out again this week, as are L&R. So she contacted them again to indicate an interest in speaking with them next week when they return.

Now, the good person in me is tempted to withdraw my app – K would be great at this job, she also will be around for awhile, plus I know with her and M’s family it’d be good for them to have the benefits. The bad* person in me still wants to see what will happen next week when L&R return.

The cool k and I just chatted about this a bit. It’ll be interesting to see what happens. I wasn’t really upset when I heard K had applied, which makes me think maybe the job isn’t for me. There are guard issues that keep coming up in my head. I know K could start probably right away which would be beneficial for the office, whereas I couldn’t start til April 1 – leaving me with no time with DD and then only a few initial days of training before heading to Alaska.

So is where do I go from here – with what’s good for the school? Or what’s good for Moe? And do I know what’s good for Moe yet?

*maybe bad isn't the right term here, but maybe alternate ego in me?

Polka, Dot? Don't mind if I do.

Played me some Bingo last night. Man, what a fun show! I highly recommend this one. The cost is a bit steep but it includes a good dinner from Pazzaluna in conjunction with the show. Lots of fun, but go to play.

Next Tuesday, I’m going to see Hamlet at the Guthrie…I can’t wait. I’ve seen Hamlet before but there’s something about seeing Shakespeare at the Guthrie. Plus it’s the last show in the current location, and my last show with season tickets.

Am debating about seeing Carmina Burana this weekend. Keith went and said it was awesome. I’ve never seen this, only listened to recordings. The Minnesota Dance Theatre is performing with Minnesota Chorale. The cost is reasonable but having just spent money on Bingo, I’m a little hesitant. Plus my pocketbook has been taking a beating as of late.

This weekend I’m going to make cookies. I gave these up for Lent but I’ve just been altering my meals with jelly donuts and things instead. I’d rather be eating something I know I’ve made that wasn’t deep fat fried and hopefully a bit healthier.

On top of this Keith gave me a copy of his workout disc – music, that is. This kicks some serious butt. Heading to Bally’s tonight to run with it. Killer music – at one point we go from Fat Boy Slim to Salt-n-Pepa to Elvis. It just doesn’t get better than that. (oh and the disc starts with ‘Fortuna Imperatrix Mundi’ from Carmina Burana and ends with ‘Bolero’ by Ravel. Freakin’ awesome.

Observations and random thoughts

Busy week
it’s been a busy week…but I’ve also accomplished a lot. I think I’ve been on a high since this past weekend. Guards was awesome – the paper turned out great, with just a few minor (huge, glaring) errors. I can’t wait to see it in print. It’s such a fulfilling feeling to know that I worked my butt off, with FL and KN and others, to create that piece of work. It’s not artwork in the traditional sense, but it takes an amount of talent to throw it together in the space of 16 hours (while attending/completing training and taking online classes and preparing for the next month). I’m really proud of this one…it wasn’t quite what I had pictured but I’m still pleased.

Scrubbing Stream…
…of consciousness. K had written a post about needing a good scrubbing and unable to remove ashes under her nails after Ash Wednesday. Last night I missed church but still had to go for choir. I had arrived early and the choir room was locked so I sat and waited. As I did I began looking at my hands. The makeup I had touched up my face with (wanting to look a little better, thinking maybe hottie E would be there, but alas he was on a trip) hadn’t completely washed off in my quick rinse off before I had left home. My fingerprints seemed highlighted by the embedded makeup and I was fascinated and how weird my hands look. I have a few cracks in my fingers due to the icky dry weather, my skin just looks odd, my scars from various cuts throughout the years seemed amplified. It was an odd moment. Every detail seemed to be flying out at me – a moment of clarity, I used to call this.

But as I looked I thought more about the makeup and the scars. We truly are sinners. No matter what we do there’s always an impression made – I had sliced the back of my right ring finger when I was 17, the small flap of skin I kept and band-aided it down to heal. Now I have small scar. The makeup didn’t wash away immediately…in fact, when I got home it took a lot of warm water and some serious scrubbing before I seemed to be gone. But was it really?

Then I thought about the makeup itself – it’s used as a way to cover up our flaws. It’s funny we do that as sinners – we try to cover up what’s wrong so we can look perfect, even though it’s still there. It’s like lying to cover our tracks, but in the end the truth always comes out. Yet, we even do it in death. We dress up our loved ones, make up is applied to make them look as they were in life, so we don’t have to face the harsh reality of death.

Death and Life
Which leads to death and E’s post (K posted about this too…). Well, mostly growing up. I think I have a lot of growing up to do. I feel like a failure sometimes since I have such a hard time with ‘grown up’ things. Sometimes I feel like I’m still in high school, heading to college soon and trying to figure out my life. I look in awe at my friends who are married, have a great career/vocation, have settled down and seem to really know what’s what. I, however, am still single, confused about my vocation/career and live in a cupboard under the stairs.

I sent in my resume/cover letter (finally!...yes, I know *sigh*) on Tuesday and now it’s the inevitable wait – the wait to see if the job is offered to me or not. I think the timing worries me. DD is ordained April 1 and I know they wanted whomever to work with him for awhile before he left. Not sure how that’s going to happen since they told me the job would start April 1. But that’s neither here nor there at this time.

I just need to grow up – but what does that mean, really? Does that mean the whole married thing, solid career, settled down? Or does it just mean able to make decisions in a single bound…it’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s decision girl! Yeah, right. Like I’ll ever make it to that level.

Thanks
Anyway…thank you all for your help in my discernment. I still have a lot to think about and maybe someday I’ll figure out my life. Until then, I’ll just keep spewing out nonsense here. Oh and make as many cookies I can, when I can.

Raise your hand if you're sure. OR Look before you leap.

Okay, folks, quick survey: How many people are tired and annoyed with my continuous conversation about discerning the job thing? A show of hands if you please…

*crickets*

Huh, that makes sense. No one responds because everyone is tired of reading about it, hence no one comes back here anymore! I don’t blame any of you. I wouldn’t come back either. But, I promise, I’ll make a decision this weekend. I know, I know, I’ve said that before, but now it’s down to having to actually apply, since brilliant me told them to open the job to the public - they’ve now had two applicants.

A wise man told me tonight that I may be hurting myself with my current employer too – this discerning thing. “I don’t know if I want that job, but I don’t know if I want this job either.” It makes sense though C hasn’t seemed too upset (the paranoia thing…she was in a meeting off site I didn’t know about and she’s been sick with the flu since). There are appealing things to both jobs, and unappealing things as well. It’s just weighing those out. The money isn’t an issue, so now it comes down to what do I want and where do I want to be in a few years. Starting at this job 3.5 years ago I was in it for the gig – easy gig, I knew my way around it, I liked my boss. A year ago I thought, I’ll give it 18 months after HO retires. It’ll be interesting to see the changes that will, of course, be made with the new administration. We’re only 2 months into that, so part of what’s holding me back is what will these changes be? I’ve worked hard in this company at this position since I began, I gave myself up for the home team when they needed a switch hitter for 18 months. Now I can finally just concentrate on this job, which I do enjoy. I like the planning process. I like working with staff and faculty with their events. I like knowing what’s going on, since most of my life I’ve rarely been in the know.

But then, God throws a curve ball and brings this other option into the picture. This other option is appealing too – it’s starting something new, yet somewhat established. It provides different (not necessarily better) but different opportunities than I have at the current job. But what’s holding me back? The possible inflexibility of hours, the commitment of a few years (though in reality that’s not set in stone, but the responsible person in me feels it is) and the unfamiliarity of it all. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy change – once it’s done. It’s going through the change that’s the hard part.

So what do I do? Many have told me to apply, as I mentioned before. One person told me I could apply, but that’s not saying yes or no to actually taking the job – but the person in me says that’s just wrong. You don’t apply just to apply. You apply because you’re genuinely interested in the job. I am interested but … there’s that but again.

Man, what is my problem? Too many choices. No confidence in self. No confidence in abilities to make decisions. Maybe it’d be better to stay where I am so I don’t screw everything up in a new job.

But then, maybe I just need to jump.

It's March 2 and D-Day is looming near

You’d think I could just make a decision. You'd actually think that, wouldn't you? But for some reason I can’t. It’s kind of difficult to plan the next 5 years of your life in a week, or a month as it’s becoming. People tell me to take a chance, change is good. I agree, but is this change the right change and the right change now? That I’m not sure about, which is what keeps me discerning. Time keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin' into the future.

So until then… another installment of things I recommend:

Texas Hold ‘Em – I’m playing the boys this weekend in our final send off for Mike before he becomes "mister officer, sir". So I’m using this website to practice. Ha!

Good things – this site is awesome. I’m not a Martha lover but there are some great recipes and tips here, as well as links to some other places for good eats.

Mumpy – I think I’ve talked about this site before, but it just makes me smile. I hope I’m this creative with my kids pictures someday.

Joan – I know this series is over and done, but I still find a lot of help and guidance from it. Yes, yes, it’s fiction, but I think a lot of the underlying meanings and lessons are true to life. Season 2 isn’t out just yet, but enjoy Season 1 if you’d like.

Sleeping in – this is a good thing, but it’s even better when you sleep like you’re dead to the world and awaken having dreamt about being part of the CSI team solving a gruesome murder.

Free stuff – a few weeks back I went to this site and found this link and this link and traveled to other links and requested free samples of stuff. Some of it is coming now…like my rosary, and Gain laundry detergent, and Dove deodorant. Ah…fun things to get in the mail.

This book – okay, people, seriously…you need to be reading this series. This is book 3 and IT IS PHENOMENAL. That's all I'm saying.