emesis

I actually just used Joey’s phrase, “Wow. There’s a lot I didn’t know about vomit.”

“sara is…”

I was checking out jb’s site today and found this game via jb via heidi. I didn’t want to stick with just 10 so I went til I got bored.

Directions: Type "(your name) is", (with the quotes) into a Google search, cut-and-paste the first 10 responses that work. Just pull the answers right out of the excerpt google shows you, don't click the link and search around. The only rule is that each one has to start with "(your name) is".
Here we go ...

Sara is right. (natch)
Sara is rescued from three cowboys (sweet!)
Sara is somewhat of a chameleon in terms of musical style. (that’s true)
Sara is extremely shy. (again, true)
Sara is Dead Wrong (see #1)
Sara is no longer with Bad Boy. (true again…this is scary)
Sara is one of those girls who stand out in whatever they do, from a very young age. (really?!)
Sara is not just all looks and beauty. (of course I’m not!)
Sara is nonetheless the most pampered pupil in the school (that’s not true)
Sara is my hero. (she’s mine!)
Sara is soon coming to a city near you! (daily!)
Sara is thrust into an strange and exciting new world (okay…)
Sara is still haunted by the terrible memories (that’s true)
Sara is in the FBI witness protection program (if I told you, I’d have to kill you)
Sara is not a happy tweenie. (thank God!)
Sara is never sweeter. (true enough)
Sara is getting a puppy for Christmas (I wish!)
Sara is mad! (no!)
Sara is bonkers! (not that!)
Sara is crazy! (Heavens!)
Sara is not schizophrenic (as far as you know)
“Sara is frightened to venture far these days,” Celeste says. (who the hell is Celeste?)
Sara is losing and looking very serious. (losing weight and inches that is…)
Sara is a small-town girl with a big dream (which dream though?)
Sara is more comfortable with ideas than with people (sometimes this is true…especially after a long trying day at the ID)
Sara is a highly intelligent young girl who is slated for an Ivy League school (woohoo! More school loans!)

Can you smell it?

I made an actual apple pie last night – crust from scratch, peeled those apples, mixed it all up. TOO COOL! Too bad I won’t/can’t/shouldn’t eat it. I did smell it a lot…does that suck the flavor out of it? Because if so, there’s no flavor left in it then. It was a lot of fun to make. I felt very domestic. Too bad I’m not domesticated. :) I’ll have pictures sometime soon of it. If you want pictures now, buy me a digital camera.

Things are going well…winter is here and it’s okay. I’m starting to slump into melancholiness (is that a word?). I don’t think it’s the weather…just the holiday season. Ugh. And I love Christmas, it just doesn’t quite seem like it is Christmas yet (I know, I know – it’s not even Thanksgiving yet). Maybe I’m losing the excitement of the season now that I’m older. Maybe I’m just tired. I am planning to decorate the desk tomorrow afternoon – stockings for the kids, maybe a tree, lights of course. Maybe that’ll help get me into the spirit. I don’t know. I need to kiss a boy. There we go. I’ve said it. :)

OH one joyful thing – I can now pull my jeans off without unsnapping or unzipping…maybe time to shop, eh?

and today, boys and girls, the word is...

Procrastination. Yes that was the word for me. As we were growing up, my parents had a word or phrase connected with all of us kids. One of the kids had ‘consideration’. Mom and Dad used that one a lot. Mine was procrastination. I am the queen of procrastination. I think this is why deadlines are so much better for me. I remember in college, one of our profs would say, “get it in when you can.” He was the only prof I EVER knew who actually acknowledged that students were swamped with so much and often couldn’t get everything done on the prof’s timeframe. The bad part was that I, being the procrastinator, would then put off his papers until the last possible moment - that moment when Dr. L would sit me down and say, “I really do need these papers in by next Thursday.” Then I would hunker down and get them done, cursing myself the whole time for not doing them when they were initially due and cursing him for letting me get away with putting them off (it really was his fault, you know).

Well, I’m back in this same state today. I have a project I must get done today but I have no desire to do it. I’ve been putting it off for 3 months, mostly because I’ve been busy with other projects, but today is the day I must get it done. And it bites. Joy.

the beast has awakened

So my horoscope today says this: “You may not know about it just yet, but someone's resentment is taking on a life of its own from behind the scenes, and you may well be at the heart of the situation. But this doesn't mean you caused it, or that you should feel guilty about it. You're in control of what you do, not what others do. So when and if something that's not quite fit for the public emerges, there's no reason for you to feel accountable.” I don’t take a lot of stock in horoscopes but it makes me pause when I read this one.

We had our monthly SEC meeting this week, and I thought it went very well. We had a discussion about a couple things, then SED and finished with a little activity (one I really liked, but I’m not sure how the others felt – heaven forbid we do an activity) and I left feeling like we accomplished some things and had a good hour. I haven’t always felt this way, but this one felt good. Then the next day I was told, “Rumor has it the meeting didn’t go so well yesterday.” After a little discussion with my source, it came down to one of the committee members wasn’t happy and talked to someone else who then talked to someone else and so on…

So what happened? What went wrong that made the meeting go poorly? We’re supposed to be an enrichment committee and having dissention within the committee isn’t going to help. Is it me? Am I too pushy? Maybe I should step down. I’m to the point of physical exhaustion when I hear these things come up. It makes me feel inadequate – b/c I must be doing something wrong, but no one will speak up and tell me that I’m being a putz or whatever. And then reading this horoscope worries me because the rumors that go around are so detrimental to any teamwork that we try to encourage. I almost feel like I should hold a special session and make it completely a ‘chair’ roast – I’ll just sit there and they can just speak their piece – yell at me, tell me off, call me all the names in the book, and I’ll soak it all in. Then at least I’d know where I stand with them.

Really, it’s not like I need to be on this committee. It’s one I believe in though – trying to help our fellow staff members to have some feeling of belonging and importance. So much of the importance goes on the students and faculty here (rightfully so), so having this committee focusing on us, the staff, is a good thing. But maybe I’m not doing my job well enough to accomplish this. I just don’t know.

Now I’m re-reading the horoscope and I know the last two sentences state I don’t need to feel responsible, but I do. Nature of the beast I guess.

overheard...

...being said to a lesbian:

"Go get him, girl!"

Huh?

Filler

I really have nothing to say here but I want to get something down so maybe you won’t read the crappy poem in my previous post. SO winter has come. Yesterday was fall, today is winter – and not just cooler weather…no IT’S WINTER! Now, while I love the snowfall, I hate the cold and today it’s really windy, which just makes it worse.

Today is Mark’s b-day, so I, of course, made more cookies to take to choir tonight (plus a small plate for Debbie). I love baking. It’s going to be my downfall, I fear. I’m going to try an apple pie again this weekend, but with a real crust I make myself. Just need to get the rolling pin.

I’m looking hot today and no one has said a word. Makes me sad. Oh well. I’ll just have to relish in my own hotness and leave it at that.

Reflections

Mirrors suck. I have never been a fan of mirrors always feeling fat and ugly when looking at myself (the mirror adds 10 pounds! – oh wait, that’s cameras…well, same difference). At my gym, there are mirrors everywhere. usually I try to read something while I run or watch the tv, which can be detrimental to your health when you trip while watching, but last night both options were unavailable. So what do you look at? Do you watch the numbers increasing – both in calories, in time spent, in miles passed? Or do you people watch in the mirrors? I opted to watch the mirrors…and OH the things I saw! I sound like Dr. Seuss.

Glancing around, trying to be discreet,
I saw all shapes and sizes of people on their feet.
Some were skinny, some so not;
Some struggling to keep going,
Wanting desperately to stop.
Yet others were taking a ‘Sunday stroll’,
while daydreaming of a future trip to Big Bowl.
Still others were doing as I,
Watching the people as they passed on by.

Private exercise moments abound
As others glance at others around
Hoping to sneak a tiny, quick peek
To see if, as they feel strong, you feel weak.

One woman glides away watching,
On the elliptical, the skinny girls are taunting.
Her anger seems to seep from her pores
As the skinny ones saunter through the doors
A motivator, perhaps?
To encourage her to do more laps?

Over there are the leering men
(must be a girls gym – men out ranked 1 to 10)
They make no attempt to hide their looks, so hard,
From the girls in the short, tight leotards.
You’d think they’d try to hide it,
So they don’t look like total di.. idiots.

I, instead, watched my legs, jogging fast
As I ran to no where and no where at last.
The seemed to be so strong,
Even being short, not long.
My muscles tightened and stretched,
Bringing me off the bench.

I ran and I ran, and then I ran some more
Thank goodness I didn’t fall to the floor.
I stayed upright and breathed in my nose,
And then out my mouth like a little hose.
The breathing kept me steady
And soon I was ready
To stop.

But I just kept going, wanting to make my goal.
I made it and then some, like a little mole,
Digging their way out of the ground
And succeeding by leaps and bounds.

Okay I’m done with the poetry today…that’s really awful.

mellow

I’m feeling disgruntled with my work suddenly.* It’s hitting me how ‘important’ issues really aren’t, we just make them out to be important and then while we’re doing that the truly important issues are getting left in the dust. Energy is being wasted on little nit-picky things and it’s disheartening. How does one change this? How does someone turn their focus around and concentrate on the truly important things while not degrading the other issues, because maybe on some level they are important? What becomes the determining factor of prioritizing? For one person on a committee, it may be one thing, while for someone else it may be completely different. What is the secret for meshing these concerns together without becoming overwhelmed by the petty?

Then again, maybe it’s my attitude causing me to be disgruntled…though I love my job and I really do mean that. working with the people here is great. I love being at the desk and interacting with others, but yet I feel like I could be doing more…but what that more is, seems to be the question of the year.

Maybe I'm just melancholy today. that could be it. Or...
Maybe it’s just that time of year.

*even though today Marilyn thanked me for my ministry of hospitality here at the desk – I apparently turn “Where’s my meeting :(” into “Good morning :)”. I guess that’s a good thing, but is that all I’m good for in this world? no, don't answer that.

jeff

For those of you who know him, this post may mean more to you than others. Ever since our conversation this summer, e&k, I’ve been trying to engage jeff in more conversation. He’s had his set speech, “Hi. It’s already (insert date here). I have congestion. I don’t like congestion. What causes congestion? My favorite Twins player is Jacque Jones. Who’s your favorite Twins player? (insert your reply here). You said your favorite Twins player is (insert name). I like Joe Nathan for a relief pitcher. (by now he’s at the door and maybe replies with … Have a good day).”

Today, I interrupted him right away and asked him, after he gave me the date of course, if he likes Mondays. He stopped…he actually stopped for once and said, “I like Mondays. Do you like Mondays?” I said, “I do like Mondays. It’s nice to have a fresh start.” He said, “Me too. I like the fresh start. It’s nice.” He actually smiled. Can you believe it? Of course, then he went into his spiel again. So I turned the Twins question back on him and said, “Who do you think I should like?” He stopped and turned around and gave me a look like, “You idiot!” so I said the only name I could think of, “I like Torii Hunter.”

OH and the other week I asked him if he was happy hockey was in session again. He said he was. Not a long conversation that time. Today was much better. Usually he says he has a bad memory too. That wasn't in the conversation today. Hmm.

It was pretty cool to have a connection with him again – as much as I could. I’ve been really worried about him. He’s been sick a lot lately – always has a cold, well – congestion, you know – which he hadn’t for a long time. I think back to when he was ‘well’ and how people were scared of him and I regret treating him like I did sometimes – when I was short with him because I just didn’t want to deal with him that night or just wishing he’d go away. He really is a nice addition to the community. I hope he gets better soon.

one more to go?

I totally forgot! Yesterday I was informed that I have completed my degree from the Community College of the Air Force. It’s kind of funny, because I was thinking I needed to get this completed while on my way to SD this weekend and then Jen shows up with a letter telling me to be at the photo shoot in January with my degree in hand. “Uh, what degree?” I asked. Well this one:

The Associate in Applied Science Degree

The associate in applied science degree is offered in the following broad career areas:

• Aircraft and Missile Maintenance
• Allied Health
• Electronics and Telecommunications
• Logistics and Resources
• Public and Support Services

It’s kind of cool, because, basically due to all my other training and education I’m able to qualify for a degree to add to my “I love me” wall collection. Of course I have yet to receive the actual piece of paper confirming this, but oh well. Now the question is: do I start in a PhD program so I can have one of each?

overheard

“You know you’re a liberal when you accept the conservatives.”

“So, tomorrow night…did you want to eat supper?”
In my head, the response: “Really?! I get a choice this time? You’re not going to force feed me like you did last night? OH thank GOD! I was so worried!”

a plethora of nonsense

I'm sorry, did you say 'bubbly'?

In the last two weeks, 3 people have called me "bubbly". Now, for some, this may be a great compliment. But for a former little fat girl, being called bubbly at age 30 isn't so great. I denied it the first time I heard it, the second time I vehemently argued about it, and now with the third I have finally given up. For some reason, I have attracted this title. It's interesting. Maybe my attitude has finally surpassed my negativity I've had for so long, or maybe I'm still just a little fat girl.

Or maybe I’m finally just happy. I’ve become tired of letting things eat away at me like I had. It's nice to just let things go...it's taken me awhile to learn that. I know that there will still be times when I get frustrated and angry but I'm trying to be better about forgiving and forgetting. Why let things hang over my head?

Besides, maybe Elle Woods was right, "Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. And happy people just don't kill their husbands."

Driving thoughts

There are a few things that I absolutely love about living in the cities. One is driving into the city from the 'burbs in the early morning or late at night. The Minneapolis skyline is just incredible. In the morning the buildings look like old building green with the reflection of the sun rising from the east. The darkness of the western sky not yet lit makes a stunning backdrop, illuminating the city 'skyscrapers' as the tower over the rest of us. At night the lights in the buildings, the changing colors on the top of the one, the IDS tower standing tall and sturdy ... amazing.

Yet with all this glory, when I go home to SD I see an amazing, un-manmade world. I can look up as I drive wherever I'm going and see stars - millions of stars lighting the sky. As you drive farther away from Sioux Falls, the night clouds are softly lit with the city lights, giving a pinkish-orangish glow to the sky. The vastness of space and lack of buildings blocking the sky give the feeling of really being a small insignificant nothing...it's incredible.

Weekend Update

I had a great weekend, not that any of you really care, but it was great. Mom and I did our monthly Friday night supper, this time at Champps. It’s always nice to reconnect with her and catch up on life. We used to talk on the phone more but I think I like this better – talking face-to-face is always better. It’s incredible how our relationship has changed over the years.

Saturday night the Hilmoe/Ronning ladies went out for supper, for what used to be our more traditional Girls Night Out. We haven’t done this since just after Jake was born so it was really nice to get together. After we ate and emmy finished her cookie with a full cup of green colored sugar we headed to World Market to check it out. I like that store; too bad I can’t afford anything there. I did get KB her b-day gift but since I didn’t see her this weekend, it’ll give me time to expand on it a bit more.

Sunday was great. For once we finished the paper early and had the thing burned to CD before 2:15pm! I did forget to put the memo in the packet but I think we’ll be okay this month. The paper turned out not too bad. I did have one suggestion to help speed the process along: more cartoons! Too bad we don’t have any cartoons, except clip art, in our paper to begin with. :) nah, we just add more pictures. We were tight for space this month anyway, but in looking at it now that it’s finished I’m sure with more time we could have rearranged a few things and made the other stuff fit. The time pressure to put together a 12 page paper in the space of no more than 16 hours is insane. Oh well, it still looks good. I’d link it here but there is some hesitation to put it out on the web just yet. Long story.

Sunday night I got home and actually put away all my clothes and stuff from the weekend. That’s a first. My apartment looks fairly clean for once, save the boxes by my chair. I’m thinking of going to Depth of Field this week and sucking it up and buying my futon I want. I need something better than the 1962 yellow chair with the springs popping out. I’m not that hard up for money, even though I am hard up for money. It’s just getting to me. Plus, Lisa hinted again that she wants to come up and visit and now that the kids are older and it’s easier to leave them at home for the weekend she may very well follow through. I don’t want her to think I’m living in a hovel, even if it is just a cupboard under the stairs.

a few lurking evils

Last night was a great night. choir went okay – cantorei I got to sit by Steve which is always fun, but I had to sing 1^st alone which was difficult. I haven’t been in very good voice lately. I’m not sure why. Senior choir went okay. Nothing too exciting, just doing my thing. Afterward Debbie and I went to Major’s for a drink to catch up. It’s always good to hang out with her. she’s a good egg. I met up with another friend and his friend at Brit’s following that – Debbie had to go home – which was fun too, but I’m just out way too late lately. The three of us closed the place down, uffda. And of course I awaken at 6 like normal and work all day and now have to drive home for guard weekend. I’m insane.

I keep thinking back to this dream I had last week. Initially I didn’t think too much of it. But the more I thought about it (thanks to the prompting of tre) the more I came to understand it and really relish it. It was pretty crazy – giant spiders and bugs, mom telling me to get it under control, me freaking out about the fumigation, trying to get my kitty out, and then what about my furniture – if I cover it with a sheet so the fumigation stuff doesn’t get all over it, would the giant bugs hide under the sheets and survive?

It was interesting because it seemed to pull together a lot of themes in my life…Tre helped me sort them out:

Spiders==icky creepy crawly dirty; noted the very large size; feelings of helplessness get the impression of a problem that got out of control

Mom yelling==shamed, horrible pathetic for crying about it the situation needs to be taken care of, possibly shamed that it got so out of control

Fumigation==getting rid of undesirables resolving situation

Kitty==source of comfort; good things; don't want it to be mistaken as an undesirable be sure not to lose the comfort, security, the 'good things' in the clean-out process

Tre said: So anyway, my impression is that it has something to do with cleaning things out--could be as basic as your house; but deeper meaning is implied, especially with the cat and it would be a cool dream to do an interview on because you could probably get a lot from it--it seems like a positive and encouraging one. Could apply to your 'self' and changes you are and/or have been working on--i.e. getting rid of the things that you don't like about your self/life situation, while working to maintain and keep safe those things that you determine to be important...The dream itself just made me think back to the past 2-3 months that you've been consciously working to make changes and especially the conversations in which you are trying to get back to your 'self' and who you are and so many things had gotten into your life that were not healthy and not part of who you want to be...and the extra description you sent in this mail has so much more...white is generally a 'pure' color and the fact that it was your 'living' space--and if we take it back to what you've kind of been working on--purifying your self (to the true you) and your living space and the way your 'mom' was involved is also significant, I’m sure...but i really, really think it's like a progress update or something--or possibly a minder--like the kitty and...totally cool...

This was incredible to read after I had told Theresa about the dream. I forget that dreams do have meanings and they are important to consider. Sometimes they can be just dreams, but sometimes they can mean so much more. It’s amazing. And the fact that I really have been working to rid the ‘evils’ of my life and surround myself with ‘good’ is so on the money. I think I still am worried about a few more lurking ‘evils’ and how I can rid myself of them. I think the worry about covering the couch with a sheet and the bugs hiding under and still living is really a viable worry. There are things that, it’s not that I’m not taking care of them, but instead I’m covering them up with excuses and other issues and avoiding them – keeping those evils alive. I was worried about fumigating them as I know that there will be damage. I think some of this has to do with many things (probably why there were so many bugs): my house is one big one, my job is another, my weight (still losing…after all these years), and relationships that go with some of these others.

Life is in constant flux. There are always changes going on, but it makes a real difference in your life when you make a conscious effort to make changes – changing your living arrangements, your weight, your job, your attitude – and all these changes can be really scary, but exciting at the same time. The fear of the unknown can be a driving force for the changes or it can keep you stuck firmly where you are. The question becomes, where do you want to find yourself?

Taking an Off-Season

It’s a little sad when no one comments on your blog. Not that it’s a big deal, but when you have no comments for several days one begins to wonder if it’s just that you’re not writing the right stuff or if your life is just that boring. :)

Now to all of you who may have had a momentary inkling to comment like crazy or even just comment once to say hello, please don’t. It’s okay. I’m just being me…and you know me. Not that you can’t comment in the future, but just don’t feel like you HAVE to. :) This really is just for me, it's just an observance I had...

Anyway…life is going well. I went to the Guthrie last night for the original practices performance of “Measure for Measure” by the Globe Theatre actors. Incredible performance. I wasn’t that familiar with the play, but it really was one of the better ones I’ve seen.

Cah and I had a conference yesterday and heard 5 speakers. One I was looking to hire for our staff day, but then we went to one in the afternoon who was just phenomenal. Some of you sports fans may know him: Walter Bond. He played for UofM from 87-91 and then over 8 years with the Dallas Mavericks, Utah Jazz and Detroit Pistons. He was an incredible speaker. He spoke about having an off-season for work: taking time to work on your work – not a vacation, but a time set aside, at the same time each year, to work on getting better at what you do - getting bigger, stronger and faster, as he said. For some this could be an annual conference, for others (like Bill Gates) take 2 weeks and go away from their workplace, home, family, everything and focus and brainstorm on what would help them improve themselves and their position at work. Really an incredible thought – and why we don’t do this I don’t know. cah mentioned she had always thought we should go away to a hotel or something stay over night and rent a meeting space to talk through things. I think it would be good…especially if we could bring a computer with EMS but no email – since if we had that you know that’s all we’d do. Of course, talk is cheap – follow through is expensive. We can talk about doing this: we can talk about improving ourselves, but if we don’t actually do it, then all this talk about it means nothing, nada, zilch, nein.