Discardia time again!

Today starts another season of Discardia - YAY! So I'm working on purging my life, once again, from all the extra clutter and crap that inflicts my life - not just physically, but emotionally as well.

So this weekend I signed up on a website to track my food and calories and exercise so I can lose 15 pounds by the May marathon. I need to get rid of my winter weight. I know it'll make running a LOT easier and I'll feel better about myself as well - which will help mentally. In 2009 when I was 15 pounds lighter than I am now, I was happy, because I felt good and ready to go and as a result the marathon was awesome. I need that.

On the paper side, I spent the morning after church going through my pile of mail from the week, as well as all the extras that had piled up in my basket by my side of the couch. It was good to purge of the excess. I still have more to go through, of course, but it's a great start.

Yesterday, I updated my marathon scrapbook, too, which puts my running in perspective. It's fun to see how I've progressed (or not) throughout the last few years. I only started running in 2007, so it's still new. I'm really thankful MS got me started with the scrapbook. And he's been super supportive this week, riding his bike alongside me as I've been running. He's a lifesaver.

All in all, this will be a good Discardia, I think. It's Spring and Spring cleaning is running rampant in me and I'm excited to make some changes.

The need to learn how to play

Today I saw this picture of my adorable Goddaughter fresh and happy in the midst of playtime. Her mom commented on how they have to pin her hair back now because her bangs are so long they get in the way of her playing.

That statement made me smile. And smile fully. Partly because my Goddaughter is like me in that aspect - I hate having hair on my face. It gets in the way and makes it difficult, if not annoying, to enjoy things fully. It's a nuisance. But the statement made me smile because playing is so important that my Goddaughter has to be prepped for it.

Play time is so essential and I think as adults we forget that. So much of life is work, home work, work, etc., that we forget to play. When was the last time you were on a swing? Or were running with complete abandonment? Phoebe, from Friends, said once about running that it was funnest when you were running from "Satan" (the neighbors dog).

There's that reckless freedom about it, about play time, that I think adults fear. I know I do. I don't have control! I need control! But I'm missing out on some of the best moments in life because of that fear. Why can't I just let go and enjoy each and every moment? How do I find that place deep within myself and let it out?

I need to spend more time with the young people in my life - my nieces, my nephews, my Goddaughter. I know they can teach me. I know I can learn to play...if I can get out of my head long enough to let it happen.

Road trip!

MS and I took a mini road trip yesterday to a nearby city. He had a tax appointment and I wanted/needed to do some shopping. Our road trips tend to be a split between super fun and super revealing, depending on our conversations at the time.

For fun we started things out right. I have such random CDs in my car and so as he was flipping through them he came across Schoolhouse Rock. I grinned and he said, "You want to listen to this?" I said, "At least track 2, 'cuz it's my favorite." Track 2 is "Three is a Magic Number". I love that song. MS just laughed at me as I sang along, bobbing my head in the white-girl way as we drove down the road. :) This started a lot of singing throughout the day. Later we sang "Rawhide" and "Minnie the Moocher" off the Blues Brothers soundtrack. And we had a little "Cumbia De Los Muertos" by Ozomatli from the Never Been Kissed soundtrack. I think by that point MS thought I was losing it.

We also talked about travel...again. I really do love to travel; MS does not. But we talked about places I want to go, places he wants to go. I think we'll get to a compromise but we're still working on it. There are so many places I still want to see in this world - Ireland, Australia, London (again), Paris (briefly), Rome, and even places in the states. MS has traveled a lot already in his life so he's good to just stay home. But I think he understands my need to get away when I said, "I can't go through my life with just going to work, then home, then work, then home, then work, then home. It's too much. I need more."

We're getting there. Our trip was great though. MS got his taxes done, I got my necessary shopping done, MS got some new kicks and I oogled over the tiny Chucks for toddlers. :) Tonight, is date night. I'm really excited for this one. :)

A little luck o' the Irish, a little God, and Pi(e)

Yesterday was the Irishman races in our town. There were a few of my co-workers who signed up for the 5K as the team challenge. I, stupidly, signed up for all 3 as I have in the past. But calling the races an Irishman confused a few who hadn't run before, thinking it was just the one 5K race. A little education was given. :)

Anyway, I was actually psyched for these races. Normally they're fun and while I haven't been running as much as I'd like, I felt like I could do these fairly well. That was until...I woke up to find 25 mph winds from the WNW which was the main direction we were running for all 3 races. Ugh. I can handle the cold but I hate...hate...hate the wind. Suddenly I toyed with not running and I'm not usually one to back out of races. Hell, in 2009 I even attempted a marathon though my knee had been killing me (I stopped at 13.1) and last year I even ran the full half when I had horrible chest congestion and ended up sick for 2 weeks after. I just don't Not Go to races.

So I continued to psych myself up and decided to not worry about time, but just to finish. I got to run with a few friends Tom, Tom and Sara, and saw a few other runners from the area which was fun.

After the first 5mile race, we went to the local tavern for a free Guinness, as is tradition for these races. I normally don't go in between races because it's my time to recoup, but I went yesterday. I was glad I did! Not only did I get a Guinness but I got to keep the glass! And both were free! YAY! That made the wind and weather all the more worthwhile.

The 5K was colder than the 5mile and the 1 mile even colder than both. I relished the 90 minutes between the 5K and 1 mile...I sat in my car and read! I got time to just sit and read!! (plus I got to catch the end of Wait, Wait...which I always miss). But the time to just sit and read was so wonderful! I forgot how much I love that! I haven't had much time to just sit and read as I used to...Oh how I miss it.

After the races I came home and had a long, hot shower and ate half a pizza. I was so hungry and so excited to just relax on the couch. That's the true reward after running...and something to keep me running.

Today MS is working, so I'm on my own. I went to my old church, that being the one I used to go to on a regular basis when I lived on my own. Big O had a great sermon and one I needed to hear. I am a baptized child of God. I am saved. I am loved. I am blessed. Oh how I needed to hear that. I wanted to chat with Big O a bit more but he had a line up of little old ladies who wanted to talk to him too, so I'll have to set up a time to meet with him later.

Then I went to Target and the grocery store as I used to after church. Then home to relax, study, read, and make an apple pie for Pi Day tomorrow. Plus I have apples that need to be baked. :) It's a good day.

Fat Tuesday

I have never understood the point of pancakes on Fat Tuesday for Mardi Gras. Maybe someone can explain that to me. Of course, I also have never understood the "giving up" tradition of Lent. My SIL is giving up FB for Lent. Another friend is giving up chocolate. Another Chipotle.*

Granted I agreed to do a 15lbs of Lent with a friend from Seminary on FB. We're tracking our weight loss from March 9 until Easter (April 24). That's a good 40 days to work on losing weight and getting in shape. JG hooked me up with a good workout, and my goal is to do that daily and get back to a good habit.

Part of that goal, or Lenten discipline as it were, is to learn and understand that the gift God gave me of my body is to be treasured and adored. I often ...hate is a bad word... really dislike my body. But the truth it, I haven't been treating it well and it deserves better.

Another Lenten discipline is for me to really appreciate life. I bought a gratitude journal after I read Andrea had gotten one too. I really like it and I need to be reminding myself that life is good and show my gratitude for it.

I want my Lenten journey to be just that - a journey. A journey into my inner self where I can learn more about me and what makes me happy. A journey with my outer self where I can strengthen my body so I can physically handle anything that comes my way. I have some lofty goals for running this year, and I need a strong body to do this.

I know I can do this. I can be a strong, confident woman, so help me God.

*Update- I'm not saying any of these things are bad. They aren't. I need to find another option - adding to my life instead of removing. :) That's just me.

Better

Today was a much better day. I was impressed that I got up at 4:17 again and made it to the gym by 5...they actually had to open it up for me. Ha! I got in 4 good miles, and while slow, they felt pretty good. I got to run in the dark because the guys, while making fun of me, finally realized that it isn't so bad to workout in the dark - cooler, TVs show up better, and you don't have to see how sweaty and rough others look. :)

It's now 8:30 pm and I've been up for 16 hours and I'm still pretty alert. It's so weird. I don't know why I'm not tired, but I'm not. It's strange how adrenaline works.

I also got "attempt #2" from my trainer. It's much more scaled down for a training plan but still will help me get stronger for the marathon. I also checked on my marathon in May and I do have the option to switch to the half up to 3 weeks prior, so I'm going to see how the training goes the next 8 weeks and then make a decision. MS is all excited that i can do a half, but I don't want to discount the possibility of a full just yet.

And I signed up for the Irishman again - 5Mile, 5K and 1Mile all in one day. I was just going to run the 5Mile but there's a group getting together at work to run the 5K and if I'm going to do both I might as well run the last one too. Bragging rights are good.

So today was a good day. But I probably should be going to bed so I can get some sleep before I get up for another run and a day of fun.

A running post, for lack of a better title

I know I usually put these posts on my other blog, the running one (or the top secret one), that is, but today it's not just about running. Well, that's the basis for why I'm writing but there's more to it than that. And since I'm at work, I'm going to hope I can get through this quickly and easily.

I read a blog post today about self-confidence. This is one huge area where I'm lacking. I lack self-confidence, not just in running but in life in general. But we'll get to that in a moment.

I lack S-C (as we'll call it) in running because I just wonder sometimes if I can even do it. I know I can run and I make it through races well enough, but not great enough. I often feel slow, sluggish, Clydesdale-ish (in fact, for some races, because of my weight, I would actually be put into a category called this). I try to lose weight but I struggle with that, which causes my S-C to drop even more. I can feel the fat rolls over my pants while I sit at work. So I sleep lying flat on my back because I know that at least the fat I "feel" is smooth and flat (though I also subconsciously know it's all flopping on the bed under me instead).

I thought, once, that running would help my S-C. Which maybe is why I keep forcing myself to run marathons. Those aren't something "normal" people do. I'm told a few times a month that I'm crazy for running them, but I'm desperately trying to find something to raise my S-C to a level where I'll be comfortable with myself. So I continue to sign up for them.

Of course, then I'm stupid and I sign up for a marathon in May (which I'm pretty sure I vowed not to do ever again after the 2009 incident with my knee). And not only did I sign up for a marathon, but also a challenge where you run a 5K the night before and the marathon the next day (3 medals!). MS made the comment last night that he wishes I was into half marathons more than fulls. Which makes me wonder if, once again, my thinking has been so skewed that I can't see past my nose. I don't know.

I can't seem to figure out what works best for me. I'm a workaholic so ditching work to run isn't an option (though I've tried that a few times). I'm not really a morning person but lately that seems to be the only time to run, though it requires a dreadmill which makes me annoyed. I'd love to run on the bike trails at night but that takes away from my already limited time with MS. But maybe that later option is what needs to happen, at least for the next few months. I don't know. I'm very conflicted, which doesn't help my S-C.

And that confliction and low S-C is hampering the rest of my life as well. I'm constantly second-guessing my decisions and thought processes. And those decisions, if I even make them, are difficult to make to begin. I've never been a great decision maker, but low S-C isn't helping when I do.

How do I find this S-C? Where can one get it? What can I do? I don't know anymore. I keep trying new things, buying books to read to help, but I don't have time to read as I'm working on an online class for work, have a couple other online classes I need to do for work, am knitting a blanket (sanity fix), and trying to get my runs in for marathon training.

I'm a wee bit lost.

Hired

I spoke with my former trainer from long ago this week and he's agreed to help me with a training plan for my marathon coming up. I'm excited for this, despite that the plan is pretty intensive. I'm going to have to get to bed earlier and get up earlier so I have time to get everything in. For the most part it's only Wednesday mornings that will be really early, but Friday is a little long too. It'll be good. I just have to do it. Right?

Over stimulated

The alarm went off at 4:43 this morning, jerking me awake from my deep slumber. I snoozed once and got up 5 minutes later at 4:48. I then was out the door shortly after 5, at the gym at 5:30 and on the dreadmill at 5:35. I had 2 minutes of peaceful bliss - the lower lights on in the main part of the gym, but the lights by the treadmills off, one tv on silent but with closed captioning and no one else around.

*sigh of utter contentment*

Then a guy showed up and turned on the radio - loud - then came up stairs and turned on the lights - bright - then turned on another tv - too much too look at! - and then started another treadmill - louder.

My zen was broken. And by 6 we had a whole party of people running or ellipitcating or biking. By 6:15 I was d.u.n. done. I didn't get the full run in I should have, but I got more in and was calmer than I was yesterday ("I'm calmer than you are.").

Yesterday I ran around 1:30 pm. I thought maybe I could have some zen because most people run at noon. Apparently I'm wrong in this. The dreadmills were packed at 1:30 and by 1:50 I couldn't focus at all. It's amazing to me that I have trouble focusing with that many people running next to me and the 4 tvs on in front of me and the radio blaring, but I'm okay with focusing (until I hit the wall) during a marathon where there's the same, if not maybe more, stimulation all around me. Maybe it's because it's so condensed and closed in at the gym that it throws me off.

MS and I had talked about me getting use of my iPod again to help motivate me on the dreadmill. I thought about that this morning but I think maybe earplugs and blinders would be better.

Celebrating the president's

MS and I both had 4 days off at the same time for once. This is a rarity in our world, so I was excited we could take advantage of it.

Sadly, I was sick all last week and with MS's low white blood cell count, that meant no kissing at ALL...still...until I'm better.

But we still had a nice weekend. I went home early from work on Friday so I could rest. I got the joy of watching the Corey's in License to Drive, a "cheesy 80s flick" from ago. And I rested. Saturday MS and I vegged for a bit and then went into town to see "I Am Number Four" which turned out to be a great movie (at least in my perspective).

Sunday we planned to go to church to meet up with Wayne as he started at our town's church this weekend, but the weather had turned icy icy icy so we stayed home and rested some more. I was slowly getting better and MS was great at forcing fruit and liquids down my throat so I could get better. He was wonderful, taking care of me and helping me to get better.

Monday we decided we should clean the house. I was feeling a little better and what better time to get rid of germs than when I'm getting over a cold. And, wow!, our house was dirtier than I thought. So this was a good thing despite my loathing of cleaning. But the house smelled nice and fresh once again.

Tuesday we parted briefly to run some errands. I had a lunch date with the girls and had to run into work to complete a document that Boss1 needed to sign this morning. Then we went out to dinner (two dates in 4 days- wow!) and to a county commissioner meeting regarding a development near where we live (long story).

Funny enough, we spent most of the weekend indoors, watching movies, or working on our projects online (he's doing an online scrapbook - and, well...I was sick so I played Bejeweled), and it was wonderful. We rarely just sit and veg - unless we're sick. And to be able to do that together (while I was the only one sick) was nice.

It reminded me just how lucky I am to be with MS and how wonderful he is for me. That's a good reminder to have.

Happy 6th Anniversary!

Six years ago today, I started this blog because of J-man. It's all his fault. Of course it's not his fault that I haven't written lately. I just haven't had much to say. I've been sick this past week...you'd think that'd supply all sorts of fodder, but snot and more snot does not a happy blog post make.

Hopefully I'll get back into a routine of writing again. It's been difficult but I'm working on it. I do miss writing. I've been feeling uncreative.

I tend to repeat myself

So as I started typing in several options for a title for this post I found that I have used most of them before, a few times in fact since a few of them had 1's or 2's or "again" after them.

I guess I repeat myself. Oh well.

The past week was busy but really good. Have I mentioned lately how much I love my job? I really do. I had to work the weekend of the 5th but it went much better than I thought it would.

MS and I finished up the weekend and went to his friends' for the Super Bowl. I stood with K and cheered for the Steelers, while everyone else was cheering for the Packers. It was disturbing, though, to watch MS cheer for the Packers while wearing his Vikings jersey (and his Favre Vikings jersey at that). Alas, the Steelers lost, but I enjoyed watching the game.

But then Monday brought the next segment of workdays - five more to go til the weekend. I got a run in that day which was great, though on the treadmill, and got to see my nephew play some bas-foot-ketball. He was on the floor more often than not. It was pretty cute though as his 3-yr-old cousin Noah was there who repeated everything I said. Hearing, "Get in the game, Zach!" from an adorable little voice was almost too much. :)

The rest of the week was good, though by Friday I was ready to be d.u.n. done. And since I had to work a bit this past Monday, I left early and came home to enjoy the evening.

Saturday MS and I went shopping and out to eat. Then came home for me to study and he worked on his second online-scrapbook (he's using mixbook.com). Sunday he spent the afternoon with his Mom and I went for a run (warm weather!). Of course the shock to my system made me nauseated and so by the time MS got home I was on the couch trying to settle my stomach and get rid of my headache. MS made dinner for us and it was delicious! A nice way to end the weekend.

Monday, v-day, was just another day. I had to go into work for a couple hours and MS had to work all day. I got another run in and went to another bas-foot-ketball game with Mom.

But since all of that, I've been sick. Woke up Tuesday morning after a freaky dream with a really sore throat and sinus crap. It sort of went away today, but then my head decided to fill up with cotton (I'm a cotton-headed ninny-muggins) and drip out my nose. I sneeze every 15 minutes and blow my nose every 10. I'm so ready for this to be over. :( I want to run!!! But until I'm better, I'm not going to risk it...even though the weather is wonderful.

LIke a long running hot air balloon

I had to use this explanation for MS tonight. But let me back up for a moment.

One - I'm not an extrovert like so many people think. I can play the part well, but it's not who I really am. I'm good with being alone. Occasionally, I like going out with people. But I'm better one-on-one.

This week has been intense. It's been good - I've gotten a lot accomplished at work, had some great comments from Boss1 during my appraisal for the last year. Projects are getting tied up and work is feeling pretty good.

But it's been BUSY. Super busy. And last night as I was driving home, I felt myself unwinding - not necessarily in a good way. I started to cry a bit, just releasing pent up energy, and so when I got home, because I know my crying disturbs MS a bit, I shut down. I sat on the couch and tried to regroup my thoughts. I ended up in an almost catatonic state - totally zoned. That was, until, I got up for dinner (which MS made so lovingly). I sat down in front of my bowl of soup and the tears just started falling. MS got worried and wondered what was wrong. "Nothing," I said. "I'm just tired." He didn't understand and I didn't know how to explain it.

So tonight, on the way home, I tried to come up with a way to explain why I fell apart a bit and why I was asleep at 7:30. Basically, I'm like a hot air balloon that had been up for 3-days straight - hot air continually blowing in it to keep it moving and upright. And then suddenly, the air was shut off and everything deflated. I was deflated...and everything I had been holding in was let out.

Funny enough, that made sense to MS and he appreciated the insight. I don't often understand why I am the way I am, but sometimes I just know that I have to shut down to recharge. And I'm better today, which is what matters.

So much yummy goodness!!

And I forgot to get pictures. Well I got a few but they didn't turn out as well as I had hoped.

I have a bunch of stuff to update, but I'm tired so you'll have to wait until tomorrow. Maybe I'll have some pictures for you. :)

Home - Edward Sharpe and The Magnetic Zeros Acoustic Cover (Jorge & Alex...

I love Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros song "Home" anyway, but this is a great, sweet cover. :)

Needed a nap

The last couple of days have been crazy busy. I got a lot accomplished, a lot of taskers added to my list, a lot of time spent away from my home, and somehow I have survived.

Thursday was a good day, getting to wear jeans to work for the day, which was awesome. My co-worker Deaner and I were trying to figure out a way we could negotiate for jeans every day of the week. We figured if we could prove more productivity we might have a shot. :)

That night I had a meeting for our volunteer conference. We have a conference in a couple of months, hopefully (we haven't gotten final approval from our supervisor who's dragging his feet), and somehow I ended up on the committee. I also got stuck on the scavenger hunt committee portion because I had a 'good idea'. I'm getting to work with some other gal who I have never met. Should be interesting. But the meeting ran long so I didn't get home until 8:30 and we all know I go to bed around that time. I did stay up until 10 since David Tutera was on WeTV and I'm minutely obsessed with him. :)

Friday was a busier than crap day. We had VIPs coming in the afternoon and so with the planning for their visit on top of trying to finish up a bunch of work and meetings I had, the day was crazy. The VIP meeting went late (another 8pm night), so I went to bed almost right away again. Don't get me wrong, the night was awesome. Our VIP meeting went really well and the cookies I bought for the event went over well...with the 3 people who each had one. I sent the rest to work with MS today so I wouldn't be tempted. Though a cookie sounds really good right now. Hmmm

So today we get up for the start of Week 4 of P90X - Yoga X. Joy. 90 minutes of fun. It went okay, but when we finished, I was tired, zenned out and chilly. So I curled up on the couch and fell asleep. I woke up briefly when MS kissed my forehead goodbye, but ended up sleeping for the 90 minutes I had to do Yoga. I felt better after that but I do remember MS asking me why I was tired.

Basically, I was overwhelmed with everything. MS even said that Friday night when I realized that I had forgotten my house keys at work. "You seem overwhelmed," he said. Uh, yes! I am, was. It's not that my job is bad...I love what I do. The rough part of it is that I don't have one job, or even two parts of a job. I have 18. There are so many little things that I have to do that they all pile up and I get overwhelmed. Add all that up with the fact that I had to have two days of extra extravertedness, and I needed a break. My brain was full; my body was exhausted from having to "be on" for so much, so often, so recently, and so close together.

The nap was good. Then I went into work and spent some great quiet time, with no one around, cleaning up my desk. Those are my favorite days. Then homemade pizza for dinner and a little knitting to tie it all up.

Lacking consistency

How is it that one week at work I'll be super productive, getting taskers completed left and right without issue. And then the next week, I'll be so unmotivated it's all I can do to keep awake? What's the trick? I know people who are always on task, really good at getting things accomplished and keep going all the time.

And here I am, trying to find a surge to get me going (which may come around the time it's time to go home - which is typical...5:30 comes around and I'm finally ready to work...only to hear the heat shut off and 5 minutes later it's colder in the office than it should be and I can't feel my fingers to even type 'help').

I don't know. But I'm open to suggestion. For now, I'll keep looking for the surge.

I have this idea...

...that I could be a chic, cool woman, one who dresses good and is really put together. I have this dream that I could be this person. And yet, I see that I am currently sitting on my couch, in sweats that have a rip in the seam (I won't say where), a sweatshirt, and my hair in a pathetic looking ponytail having done 90 minutes of yoga and killing time until I go for my 5mi run. How can I be chic and put together? Because I know that even after I get my run in and shower and get cleaned up, I'll still be in jeans and a t-shirt and hair probably back in a ponytail.

I used want to be a girl who wore dresses. I used to hope that I could pull that look off. And maybe I could, but I haven't gotten there yet and I wonder if I ever will. I live in hickville. Don't get me wrong, I love my job, I love my man, but this place doesn't feel like a place where I could walk around on a Saturday in a dress shopping without people asking me if I'm heading to a funeral or wedding. It's weird.

But for now, i'd just like to be "put together" and more than a slug on the couch.

The perfect dream...until I woke up

MS and I have been getting up between 4 and 4:30 lately to do P90X before I have to go to work in the AM. Usually we can sleep til 4:30 or even 4:40 and still get it all accomplished, but 3 days a week we have to start AT 4:30 or we won't even get finished.

Today was one of those days (Yoga - 90 minutes of 'fun').

But then I had the best dream EVER!! I dreamt that my alarm didn't go off until 4:39. I looked at my clock and did some quick math, realizing that if I got up to do Yoga we wouldn't get started until about 4:45 and wouldn't finish until 6:15. Which would make me late for work (shower, dress, drive to work...not enough time). SO I had to reset the alarm and go back to sleep for an hour. HAD to.

Then my real alarm went off and it was 4:11 summoning me from my warm slumber.

*sigh*

Life is Good

Life is good. You know, seriously! Life is good! I'm really happy. Despite the oddness and the weirdness and the crapiness of parts, overall Life is Good. We are truly blessed. I know sometimes it's really hard to see that, but we are. I keep reminding myself of the great things that are in my life - MS, my family - including K&E and Nika, my friends - and I realize that even when all the shit hits the fan, life is still good.

I'm a little overwhelmed right now...going back and forth between annoyed that I have to do 5 online courses in the next couple days, plus another longer version due by April, ALL the additional duties I have at work that keep adding up...and yet I flip back to how wonderful my BF is and how he takes care of me when I can't, how fabulous my friends are and how my life is fuller because of them, and how good life is a whole. I'm here, I'm alive, and Life is Good.