I know I usually put these posts on my other blog, the running one (or the top secret one), that is, but today it's not just about running. Well, that's the basis for why I'm writing but there's more to it than that. And since I'm at work, I'm going to hope I can get through this quickly and easily.
I read a blog post today about self-confidence. This is one huge area where I'm lacking. I lack self-confidence, not just in running but in life in general. But we'll get to that in a moment.
I lack S-C (as we'll call it) in running because I just wonder sometimes if I can even do it. I know I can run and I make it through races well enough, but not great enough. I often feel slow, sluggish, Clydesdale-ish (in fact, for some races, because of my weight, I would actually be put into a category called this). I try to lose weight but I struggle with that, which causes my S-C to drop even more. I can feel the fat rolls over my pants while I sit at work. So I sleep lying flat on my back because I know that at least the fat I "feel" is smooth and flat (though I also subconsciously know it's all flopping on the bed under me instead).
I thought, once, that running would help my S-C. Which maybe is why I keep forcing myself to run marathons. Those aren't something "normal" people do. I'm told a few times a month that I'm crazy for running them, but I'm desperately trying to find something to raise my S-C to a level where I'll be comfortable with myself. So I continue to sign up for them.
Of course, then I'm stupid and I sign up for a marathon in May (which I'm pretty sure I vowed not to do ever again after the 2009 incident with my knee). And not only did I sign up for a marathon, but also a challenge where you run a 5K the night before and the marathon the next day (3 medals!). MS made the comment last night that he wishes I was into half marathons more than fulls. Which makes me wonder if, once again, my thinking has been so skewed that I can't see past my nose. I don't know.
I can't seem to figure out what works best for me. I'm a workaholic so ditching work to run isn't an option (though I've tried that a few times). I'm not really a morning person but lately that seems to be the only time to run, though it requires a dreadmill which makes me annoyed. I'd love to run on the bike trails at night but that takes away from my already limited time with MS. But maybe that later option is what needs to happen, at least for the next few months. I don't know. I'm very conflicted, which doesn't help my S-C.
And that confliction and low S-C is hampering the rest of my life as well. I'm constantly second-guessing my decisions and thought processes. And those decisions, if I even make them, are difficult to make to begin. I've never been a great decision maker, but low S-C isn't helping when I do.
How do I find this S-C? Where can one get it? What can I do? I don't know anymore. I keep trying new things, buying books to read to help, but I don't have time to read as I'm working on an online class for work, have a couple other online classes I need to do for work, am knitting a blanket (sanity fix), and trying to get my runs in for marathon training.
I'm a wee bit lost.