Today was rough. It didn't help that I was short on sleep or that the two runs I had yesterday sucked or that MS left today for a 9-day vacation he's had planned for over a year, "Before I even knew you existed," he said.
So getting to work this morning an hour earlier than normal and trying to do any kind of work was extremely difficult. It's not that I don't have things to do, it's just that time of day when I'm not quite awake and not really feeling it, makes things almost impossible at times.
I wish I cared more about my job. Of course as I write that I know it's not completely true. I do care about my job. I care about it a lot. I want to succeed. I have a perfectionist trait and that damned responsibility trait (thanks, Strengths Finders!), but I just hate all the paperwork and it starts to pile up because all these other little things happen and I just find myself frustrated - not only at the extra work, but also at my attitude and motivation towards theses things. And then I get stressed because I don't complete things like I would like me to and then I feel guilty for not getting it done and then I work late to try to compensate but I still stay behind on everything. How can I catch up? How can I get to the point again where I have only one or two projects instead of 12?
MS said out of the blue the other night, "I didn't realize your job stressed you out so much." And I started crying. Part of it was because we weren't even talking about work but it had been brought up in conversation earlier when I talked about stress-eating and he asked what I was stressed about, "Mom, work, K&J and their issues, work, Mom, Work."
The crying threw me off as well as him. It wasn't that I was stressed about work at that moment (I wasn't really thinking about it, honestly), it's the reasons behind my stress. They are all my fault. I go to work and am unmotivated. I have so many piles of things to do that it's just overwhelming and I don't want to do any of them. And then I feel stupid because I know if I did do them then my stress would go away. It's a vicious circle - a circle I create myself.
How do I get around this? How can I motivate myself? I'm trying to figure this out because if I don't soon, I may not have a job to even worry about.