04 August 2009

Bad day

Today was rough. It didn't help that I was short on sleep or that the two runs I had yesterday sucked or that MS left today for a 9-day vacation he's had planned for over a year, "Before I even knew you existed," he said.

So getting to work this morning an hour earlier than normal and trying to do any kind of work was extremely difficult. It's not that I don't have things to do, it's just that time of day when I'm not quite awake and not really feeling it, makes things almost impossible at times.

I wish I cared more about my job. Of course as I write that I know it's not completely true. I do care about my job. I care about it a lot. I want to succeed. I have a perfectionist trait and that damned responsibility trait (thanks, Strengths Finders!), but I just hate all the paperwork and it starts to pile up because all these other little things happen and I just find myself frustrated - not only at the extra work, but also at my attitude and motivation towards theses things. And then I get stressed because I don't complete things like I would like me to and then I feel guilty for not getting it done and then I work late to try to compensate but I still stay behind on everything. How can I catch up? How can I get to the point again where I have only one or two projects instead of 12?

MS said out of the blue the other night, "I didn't realize your job stressed you out so much." And I started crying. Part of it was because we weren't even talking about work but it had been brought up in conversation earlier when I talked about stress-eating and he asked what I was stressed about, "Mom, work, K&J and their issues, work, Mom, Work."

The crying threw me off as well as him. It wasn't that I was stressed about work at that moment (I wasn't really thinking about it, honestly), it's the reasons behind my stress. They are all my fault. I go to work and am unmotivated. I have so many piles of things to do that it's just overwhelming and I don't want to do any of them. And then I feel stupid because I know if I did do them then my stress would go away. It's a vicious circle - a circle I create myself.

How do I get around this? How can I motivate myself? I'm trying to figure this out because if I don't soon, I may not have a job to even worry about.


Anonymous said...

I wish I had solid advice for you on this. I have trouble with perfectionism as well. But the problem with that is I start thinking about all the little things that need to be done and the various ways to do them, that I get so consumed in my own mind and don't do things as well as I probably could.

I am feeling the same way about my job right. That I wish I cared more about my job, but in reality I care too much about things. I give too much of my heart to the employer and it's been eating away at me for a long time.

Sometimes it helps to talk these things over with an outside person. Do you have an EAP with your work, perhaps you could find someone to help you sort these feelings out?

Kat said...

Hey, Sweets. I understand the tears... they were there, he just asked the right question. I think it is good that your horizons are expanding and that there is more to life than work. Your job can be, but may not be the purpose for your life, the thing you want most to create and accomplish. I loved working too, loved my business, enjoyed my life, but when my husband came along (and Colin soon after) things shifted around completely. I'm happier how, doing more, still accomplishing things and working hard, but it is different - fuller. I couldn't care less about the little business I had back then. It was fun, I helped people, made money, did a good job, etc. But it wasn't what I wanted my entire life to be. Anyway, all that to say that I think what you are experiencing is normal... I think it is common, anyway. You're a bit like me, I think, in that you put yourself completely into things... and need to care a lot about what you are doing in life to be happy... I think anyone does, at that. It's okay if things change around... you just need to re-evaluate your priorities, see what you want your future to be and how to get there... there's a lot of new stuff in it!