Back in Jr High

I realized something a little disturbing today. I still feel guilty if I don't agree with other people's choices. And I still have a problem speaking up about my decisions I make.

For example: Today I was talking with a co-worker and he starts going off about Sen. Craig and how he just doesn't understand about why people would do something so icky (“like boys kissing boys,” he had said).

Shamefully,only in my head did I say, “I don't care if boys kiss boys. I have lots of boy friends who do.” But aloud I said, “I'm sad that if it is true (and does it really matter if it is or isn't?) that he feels he needs to hide it. I wish everyone would feel comfortable just being themselves.”

Ironic words from the girl feeling guilty as she passes a Taco Johns and thinks back to friend's conversations when they saw an establishment and the friend said, “At least it's better than Taco Bell.” See, I *heart* Taco Bell. I'm a chalupa and baja blast addict. But did I say anything? No.

And I think part of why I don't comes from several factors. I fear not being liked. Yes, I can admit that, and I think that's a lot of people's fear. I also fear my decisions/judgment coming into question and discovering that maybe I am wrong. I also think that it's better to just not say things because it saves a lot of problems in the end – people's feelings hurt or people's feelings becoming enraged because you don't agree, people misquoting you to what they thought they heard you say even though it's the complete opposite of what you said or believe, etc.

And the other reason I don't say anything is often I'm not sure exactly what people are saying when they start going off on some topic. Are they trying to read what I think? Are they trying to trap me into saying something that will get me in trouble in the end? Plus, here's the thing. I don't attach myself to any specific side of things – like Leftist or Rightist. I'm fairly liberal in my life, but I wouldn't say I also agree with everything that “Liberals” say. But I'm not conservative either, though some would probably say I am.

Maybe my problem is I just don't know who I really am. I'm still trying to figure that out. Does anyone ever know? For so many years I looked to others to help me figure out things in life and now that I'm taking more of a step in not doing that, I think I'm more lost than I was before.

Maybe I should just stay quiet.

Pop that cherry

Being horribly unpopular in high school, except with the teachers, natch, I have been a 'lake virgin' all my life.

Okay, so that's not completely true., I have spent time at lakes. My Uncle Sam (yes, that was his name) had a cabin at one of the area lakes and family events almost always took place there. We'd sit in innertubes and float around the scuzzy lake in between rounds of food (we're Norwegian Lutherans – of course there was food). But as an adolescent whose peers would go to the lake on weekends to hang out and tan and socialize – well, I wasn't part of that group. I was too 'goody-goody' apparently. My peers would make plans around me, so I knew what they were planning to do, but I was never invited and never felt like I could ask to join in.

Yesterday, all that changed. My friends, E&K, met up at Lake Okoboji and invited me to stop down for a quick visit since it's so much closer than their real house. I'll admit I was a little nervous but figured E&K wouldn't lead me astray.

It was great. We dumped our stuff on some chairs and headed into the water – just as I remembered it from my youth. All lakes must be just a little scuzzy and greasy. I felt like I was in a oil bath. A cold oil bath.

Then we just sat on the beach, reading, sun-bathing, relaxing. Not that I needed more down time from the uneventful weekend, but it felt great to just chill with some great friends. YAY!

And to be honest, it felt really great to be part of the in-crowd for once.

A day of threes

Three Great Things: wingy, finding DC and Splenda, Saints win.

Three Icky Things: RA, the Navy guys, Indians lose.

Let's start with the icky things since they're, well, icky.

RA was a tough moment. I didn't want her to leave but she felt it best. Fair enough, a person has to do what is best for them, but it did make for a rough morning. I got RA a little going away present though: Mika, Captain, and some lotion.

The Navy guys – well, granted they were justified, but still kind of mean about the whole thing. Chad and I went for wingy today and on the way in we see these two Navy guys coming and both of us look at each other, both mumbling, “I have no idea. Do you know? No. I don't know. Crap.” Ranks are tough enough just between our two services – keeping them straight and finding them on these new uniforms just sucks. And the Navy is just insane with their ranks and they only put them on one lapel and often they look like insignias so it's hard to tell. Anyway, we walk past them in conversation and we get about 4 feet beyond the Navy guys and suddenly we hear, “What, you guys don't know how to salute anymore?” shit. They were a captain and something (we still aren't sure what his rank was, but we couldn't see the captain's bars because his head had blocked them as we walked by). Anyway, we tried to apologize and the guy just kept jacking us up. “You don't know what railroad tracks are?” (Yes, what I'd like to throw you on right now, but that's another thought.) He kept going on and on. Finally I said, kind of sternly, “SIR, we apologize (we saluted). Have a good day, sir.” And we turned around. As we walked to the door I just moaned the Ralphie special - “fuuuuuudddddgggeeee”. Both Chad and I felt like crap the rest of the day and my whole protocol capabilities went out the window – two times that afternoon I forgot my cap as I walked out the door. Sheesh.

Indians lose. To KC. WTF? That's all I can say right now.

Now the good things. WOOHOO!

Wingy! In honor of seeing K&E this coming Monday, I had to get a little wingy in me. I looked like a pig. Chad had 6; I had 12. Crazy, but oh...so...good.

DC with S – yesterday I was sad that I can't find this anymore in the area. Mom called me at 2:27 and said her friend could get me DC with S in Mankato and how many would I like. “Four.” “Four?” “Yes, four.” Then she wondered if she should get some for my brother (who also likes it). “Yes.” “How many?” “Four.” “Four?” “Yes, four, and if he doesn't want them all, I'll take them.” This is a great reason to clean out my storage area – I'll need a place to keep Diet Coke as I stock up.

Train. Mom had free tickets to the SF Canaries game, so we decided to go tonight since they were having fireworks after the game. And luckily they were playing the Saints so I could maybe see Charlie play (he didn't) and cheer for a great team. I was nice and courteous as I sat amongst the Canaries fans. Mom and I had fun quietly cheering them on, counting the strikes (two more, one more – buh bye), counting the outs, and cheering on the cute ump as he wiggled his butt. And I wore my superhero shirt, necklace, Indians hat and sweatshirt. (funny tangent – when I walked to my seat with my hat on, a guy in the stands stared at my hat and said, “I?” I just smiled and said, “You bet.”) As they won the game I had to stand up and cheer. It was a lot of fun.

I take favor with you

I thought I'd take a page from JB and Megan's blogs, so to speak, and list my fave/unfaves.

Things I favor:

The Indians. I know I'm from this area and so I'm supposedly supposed to like the Twins, but in my youth I came to loathe hearing about the MN teams and especially when they were referred to as “our team”. Ahem. We don't have teams. So I began my search for a team worthy of my fanaticism, as it were, and there were the Indians. I'm still looking for a football team because the Tom Landry Dallas Cowboys don't exist anymore, much to my dismay.

Running. Have I mentioned I like running? Yeah, well I do. But really I should amend this to 'running in 70 degree weather' because running in humidity or unbearable heat where the weather dudes tell you to stay inside and stay hydrated because the heat index is skyrocketing just plain sucks. Ran 5 tonight in 70 degree weather and felt great. Walked little and only because RB and I were talking about some work stuff that we got in some heated discussions.

“Wild Hogs” Yes, I loved this movie. I'm such a dork sometimes. The camping scene literally had me on the floor laughing.

“Psych” This is such an underrated show. USA network, Friday's at 9pm. Now of course this shows just how little of a social life I have, since I am home most every Friday watching this, but it's so funny. Monk is on just before which is also a good one. :)

High Energy Levels. My boss has been gone for 3 weeks. Finally he's back and even though he was only in the office for 30 minutes today, the energy level in my office went up. I could feel it. (And just to help matters I sang “The boys are back in town” to him when he came in.)

Things I don't favor:

Not finding Diet Coke with Splenda anywhere. What is going on? Did they discontinue it or just in my area? If any of my friends out there in blogland can find this, please let me know, or buy it and I'll pay you back. I can't find it anywhere here!

Snake pits. Not literally, but rather those that occur in workplaces where you get to the point that you can't say a word without worrying that someone will take it out of context. Or where you feel you can't even go into the printer room because people are there having conversations you probably shouldn't or at least really don't want to hear.

Eating alone. I love to cook, but cooking for one is, well, sad. A friend came over the other night so I got to actually cook – chicken with bruschetta (which I can't spell), steamed veggies (via Green Giant), rolls and fresh fruit for dessert. It was so fun to plan a meal and put it together. I pulled out my good dishes and silverware, my tablecloth (to go over Sterilite containers since I don't have chairs for my table yet) and even put the buns in a clothed basket. How fun!

Being far away from my friends. 'nuf said.

Don't forget the 3-hole punch

My blogs have been pretty sad lately. Not sad as in "boo hoo" but sad as in "that was pathetic and so not worth my time to read."

August has been kind of blah so far. Not much excitement has occurred. Maybe that's my fault, maybe I need to make my own excitement, right?

I have been running. (Ha! Like that's anything new.) I was sick for a week which sucked and really screwed up my training. And the weather hasn't been helpful either. I thought yesterday would have been perfect for running. It had rained in the morning so things should have been nice and cool. Instead they were muggy and thick, the kind of air that you breathe in and you choke on it. Imagine if we had a lot of smog here too. Nasty.

It's 45 days to race day (I really need to stop checking that website). Forty-five. Which means 40 since the last week you shouldn't run too much or too hard, but instead rest up for the big day. I calculated paces today to see where I am on average now and what I need to be during the race. So far, I'm okay, but that doesn't mean much when there are many more miles to complete than what I have done. I did run 6 last night and the first three I felt great. It really was awesome. Even after 6 miles I felt good, shocking.

Work has been blah too. Not that I don't have things to do to keep me busy, I do. But when the boss is away the energy level drops like a wet sandbag from a hot air balloon during a rain storm. If anyone has suggestions to raise that level, let me know soon. I need all the help I can get.

I did finish Year 7 and I have to say I was pleased with the ending. But I need to read it again. I wasn't completely into it like I usually am with the HP books. I chock it up to my reading the first 6 right before. I should have left a little breathing room of antici.....pation, instead. So I'll have to read it again. But not right now.

Maybe this whole blahness is that it's August and I'm not prepping for the upcoming school year. This is the first year since I was 4 where I wasn't buying school supplies or looking at the class schedule and planning my day. Every other year I've been feeling that oncoming rush of the first day - summer was over and just around the corner there were new lessons to learn, new classes to take, and the onslaught of knowledge that hopefully I would grasp and retain.

Of course, I do have CBT's and CDC's for work (computer based training and correspondence development course, respectively). Hmmm, maybe I should go buy some new highlighters, pencils and a backpack to motivate me into studying those. Ooo, and post its! And folders! And a protractor! Everyone needs a protractor!

Okay, nevermind. I'm just going to go to See Jane Work and check out some toys.

Does anything ever change?

Yesterday I took off for the Hub City, which is neither a hub nor really a city though it likes to claim to be one – town is what I would call it. Anyway, the fabulous Sarah was getting hitched to the also fabulous Eric and I needed to be there.

It was an opportunity for me to head back to the place I spent 6 years of my life. I went to school at NSU where I double majored in music (vocal and instrumental) to make myself more marketable (Ha!), took lots of history, English, and drama courses, and ended up with a ton of extra credits while on my way to a degree that I used for all of one year. It took 5.5 years only because I took all these extra credits and took a semester off for basic training and other such fun things.

Anyway, that's not important. The important thing is that S&E's wedding took me back to a town where I began to grow and come out of my shell. High school sucked, to put it mildly. College was better even though I had to work 40 hours a week at one job plus work study jobs (yes, plural) and all my course credits. A lot of important things happened to me there and yesterday was an opportunity for me to drive around town and take a look at the few things that have changed.

There's now a HUGE Wal-mart on the east side of town. It used to be in the mall...now that spot sits empty. 6^th is much busier than it used to be, but there are still the staples – Kessler's, Steak & Buffet, Super 8, etc. I drove by all my old apartments – one has really improved (new siding), the other hasn't changed a bit. On campus, all the dorms are still there, there's a new classroom building, JC is the same, and so many memories came flooding back. I drove by the place Jim and I used to run, the Econo Foods where Beth and I sang with Harry Connick Jr song while shopping on a random Sunday night, the Kessler's where I first purchased Hot Damn! which I got drunk on at Karla and Jill's while matching shots with Dan, Murphy's – which used to be called something else – where we would go Thursday nights and listen to our profs play jazz and drink, and so many others. I didn't make it to Storybook Land or the Capitol Theatre - maybe next trip.

The wedding was at the church I attended in college, where I was on speed dial with the church musician. I actually recognized a few people there – Deb, Diane, Arliss. Kay was missing but I found out she was on vacation. The church is still as beautiful as it first was when it was built.

And most important – Sarah and Eric were married. It was beautiful.

Post Secret movie

Oh and check Post Secret out this week. Very powerful.

Feeling full, in a good way

The Cities are just so rejuvenating.

Yeah, I know that sounds weird but I just had a great, relaxing weekend. I got into town late Saturday, checked in to my room, freshened up and headed off to the Guthrie for 1776.

HOLY CRAP this was an awesome musical. The guy playing John Adams was incredible, not quite what I had pictured John Adams to be when I read the David McCullough book, but incredible, truly. The only part I didn't like was Martha Jefferson's song. That wasn't really impressive and somehow I doubt that that week was the first time Ben and John discovered that Tom knew how to play the violin but whatever.

Sunday I drove by my old place and luckily A1 and A2 were outside so I stopped and caught up with them a little. It was great to see them again, and to reunite with my boyfriend (O'Ryan the cat – did I spell that right? - how sad, I don't even know how to spell my boyfriend's name). Anyway, they looked great and it was so fun to see them again.

Then it was off to shop with Debbie. She is my shopping guru and I needed to complete my ensemble for Sarah's wedding Saturday. I think we did very well, everything for under $100 and if I had paid real price for everything instead of the sale price it would have been closer to $300. YAY!

I decided to test drive my outfit at the Guthrie that night during Private Lives. It worked, though I think a different shirt might work better. I'll have to do some checking this week and once it's completed I'll see about getting a picture so y'all can see how hot I am. Ha!

Today I was blessed to meet up with Brenda. What a joy. I miss seeing and talking with her. It was great to get the update on the National Assembly and status of policy change (nada). Then it was off to see Keith. *sigh* I love getting massages. And I feel so great afterward. If you're in the TC area I highly recommend him for sports massages. He works wonders.

I also ran by the old homestead (aka the former workplace) to check on a package I inadvertently mailed to my old address and saw and had great conversations with Kris, Paul, Victoria, Rollie, Mark, Alice, David and Paul. There are certain people I miss there and so many I don't and I'm glad I got to see these folks. It was great.

Now I'm home and getting ready for the week. Don't you love the play by play I give you after my weekends? I regret not seeing JB, Mark, Jeff, or the boys. But hopefully the next trip.

Fly me to the moon

Wednesday RB and I ran in the rain which was a lot of fun. I love running in the rain. But when we do that my shoes are sopping wet. This time I left my shoes in my locker at work. So today when I decided to attempt a run I had to wear my new shoes.

This wasn't a big deal since I need to start breaking them in before The Run but it was a little odd. I don't like wearing brand new shoes running. I like to break them in on my own someplace so by the time I get out on the road they're dirty and look like they've had some miles put on them.

Instead I'm wearing my pearly white shoes (with the ugly purple accents), my white socks and as I looked down I could have sworn I was wearing moon boots from my youth.

Spoke too soon again

So I blogged on Monday how I was over my illness, then Wednesday afternoon my stomach did a loop-de-whirl and Thursday I felt like death hung over.

Wednesday I started to feel nasty, like I said. Spent some time sleeping on my couch, didn't eat anything and went to bed early. The next morning it wasn't awful but it wasn't great. It took me a couple hours to get to work on Thursday, (only because I felt so guilty for thinking about not going to work – I was functional but not feeling great so I figured I should show up) but then I felt like crap all day. I went to lunch only to have half a tiny sandwich and a couple fries. That was my first real meal since Tuesday night, if you could call it a meal. Finally I was convinced to go back home, so I did.

Thank goodness I did. I slept through most of the evening and upon awaking this morning I felt much better. I even felt well enough to go out to lunch with some buddies from work. We went to the local Harley store and watched the bikers ride in and out.

I am feeling better tonight, yet still not phenomenal. This freakin' marathon is coming up way too quickly. I'm really starting to worry about this, but trying not to. Maybe if I can stop getting sick I'll be okay.

Run, Forrest, Run!

Well, I'm officially not sick anymore (even though I still have moments of snot). I'm sure you wanted to know that.

Last week I prepped with my Running Buddy for our 1.5 mile run, situps, pushups test for work on Saturday. We both did awesome, though I do need to work on my pushups and I felt awful for holding him back.

Today we ran 9.7 (just a few blocks short of 10) and actually it felt really good. We did walk probably more than we should (my fault – I blame my secondhand smoke upbringing and snot – two great reasons if you ask me), but really at the end I felt well enough that if pressed I probably could have ran more. We were at an 11:32 pace, which is great. And surprisingly I'm not as stiff or sore as I thought I would be, though my right Achilles tendon and left knee are hurting a little (maybe from carrying a 9-month-old up and down stairs).

I am still glad that I didn't run the half a week ago. I wouldn't have made that. This run was great and I know as I'm in crunch mode before the marathon that this was a good start but not good enough. I have to focus and work hard these next couple months. Woohoo!

Is he there?

James Lileks' article here makes me think about Jeff. To those who know who I'm talking about – can you fill me in? How is he? Does he still recite every sports stat known to man?

Well...

So it's hard to write anything after the aftermath of the tragedy from Tuesday. Now it seems like it was ages ago that it even occurred. Odd.

Today was our fitness testing at work. Woohoo. I try not to be the Fitness Nazi in our section, especially since I'm no poster child for health, but sometimes you just have to. We have a scale we have to meet and a score we should achieve. One person tested last month and came in below – well at a Marginal level. Marginal, meaning, natch, that it's not quite Good, but not completely Poor either. Well, I told the person at this drill that he received a Marginal and would have to retest in 90 days, i.e. October. He was dumbfounded. “Who says I failed?” The numbers don't lie, idiot. “I'm going to talk to them, this is a crock.” Whatever, see you on the steps or track in October. What's funny is I had looked at his scores from last year (when he also received a Marginal) and he hadn't improved or changed anything. Your scores should fluctuate somewhat, they shouldn't be almost dead on. So I'm annoyed.

I, however, did well. I have a Good rating, the body of a 35 year old (if you can believe that), and finished my 1.5 mile run in 15:02. I haven't run a 10 minute mile in forever. This was very different from running for the marathon – it's a totally different mindset, different muscles, different ending. Craziness.

After I ran, I was congratulated by one of our top men at work. He's a riot (the day before he told me not to take pictures of him at a retirement party because he hates having his picture taken and he's always squinting – I have about 10 pics just of him and his eyes are all open) :). Anyway, later in the day I was talking with my running buddy who said that this guy had gone up to him and comment on how nice it was for him to run with me this morning. My RB explained that we run together all the time and that I was the one dragging him along (total lie). Well, anyway, long story longer, the big man said that I'm a breath of fresh air in the office and that my boss (not him) really likes having me there.

YAY!

This is almost as good as getting a 5 on an evaluation. Actually, better, because this guy doesn't make shit up. He's one of those no-nonsense, straight to the point, just the facts ma'am, kind of guys. So if he says that my boss likes having me there, then my boss must like having me there. I actually teared up when RB told me this. Tears of joy – I forget how nice it is to be complimented when often I just hear about what needs to be done, or what I forgot to do, or what people want from me. To hear that I AM appreciated, well...it was awesome.

So tonight I'm celebrating. I bought a big bottle of the Captain, Diet Coke in the fridge and Harry Potter to read.

Life is good.

Praying for TC

Holy crap.

Praying all my friends are safe.

Praying for all those who have family and friends in the wreckage. (Photos from Fox9 and WCCO)