morning musing

It’s moments like these that make me wish I was full-time PA. Two women from our unit, who are great to work with truly, are working on a program for an upcoming event. This is all well and good. I’m not saying that people can’t design their own program, because let’s face it- they can and they do. But if you’re going to use the layout program on the computer and you have to ask the resident expert to help you with it, why not just let her do it? It’d take her a quarter of the time it’s taking you and she’d be able to utilize her skills? That sounds like a plan.

Of course I’m really just vying for a full-time PA job. I really miss PA…the more I think about this, I’m not sure I made the right move. Well, I did. I needed a change and this is a great one – good benefits, great hours, great people. But leaving the best job in the AF was pretty stupid, even if it was for a full-time gig.

I am getting compliments on my work (not that I’m motivated today, but still). Sunday after drill our new HR senior asked me if my ears were burning that day. I said, “No, why would they be?” as my paranoia began to rise. She smiled and said that ‘they’ were talking about me at lunch – all good things of course, how I’m bringing good things to the building now. I said, “I bring cookies. Of course they’d like me.” But she went on to explain that the attitude and air I bring to the building is great and that people appreciate it and that I probably wouldn’t be here [in this position] long because she sees me going far here [the unit]. I’m not sure what that means. Maybe I’m being to narrow minded. I love PA and I don’t want to stray too far from it, and there aren’t many ops for a girl like me out here from what I can see. But maybe there are more than I think. People are coming up to retirement, others will be moving up and there may be openings. But will they be in a career field I want or can do? I guess I won’t know til then.

It’s scary. Every now and then I wake up or have a moment where I wonder if I did the right thing. I wonder if it was smart to leave the cities. Last night I was watching a special on Billy Strayhorn. He was amazing and I got to thinking about life back then. People took chances more. They’d pack up their belongings and just move and work wherever and work to make a name for themselves. Hell, he even went to Paris for awhile, he rode across country on a train staying up all night writing music for Ellington, he did something with his life. Of course I’m thinking this as I was lying on my couch, watching TV, feeling incredible alone as I was missing the Cities and my friends and wondering if this is all my life will be – go to work, come home, eat, lay on the couch watching TV until the day starts all over. Will I ever be daring enough to pack everything up and just go? I’ve thought about it but my fear of having no security, no stability with my life scares me into staying. Am I just living out my fears by moving ‘home’ and taking this job? Am I truly living how I should be or could be?

I keep thinking back to a conversation I had with my friend (happy birthday Sunday!). He even said to me he was worried that I was settling down too soon in life, settling in to the good retirement pay, good job, etc., (all good) but I wouldn’t have or wouldn’t take the opportunities to live life differently. He and his partner have lived all over, granted – even 10 years in London (of which I’m extremely jealous). Will I never have that? Am I settling too soon? Should I be taking more risks in life? I don’t want to look back and wish I had done more. I don’t want to wonder “what if”.

I don’t know. I suppose I’ll find my niche eventually. Maybe I’m just suffering those first month blues where I wonder if I chose the right path because the ‘camp’ feeling I’ve had is wearing off and now I know I’m here for a while and I wonder just what my life will be like in a year. Will I still feel alone? Will I still be longing for PA and wishing that was full-time? It’s not that I don’t value what I do now. My job is important. Our work here overall is vital. Maybe I’m just wondering if there will be more in and to my life. I’m sure it comes down to me making it happen, and again maybe it’s the blinders I’m maybe wearing, but I’m just not sure how to make it more.