days 15 and 16

First day of phase 1.5 went well. I ordered my carbsense stuff – pizza crust, pie crust (for tiny pies!), and tortilla chips. Hopefully they’ll be good. The day went pretty well for food. Thank goodness you can have eggs as much as you want – I love eggs and egg whites are really up my alley. Mmmm and popsicles and fudgsicles. mmmm

Today was good but kind of off over all. Had an appointment in the am so I ate at home (odd – it felt like a weekend) then c and I had a lunch meeting. I found a really good salad at Ruby Tuesday’s – the Skinny Salad…dressing is on the side and it has grilled chicken, cheese, chopped tomatoes and lots of lettuce. Yum. But then we were running around the rest of the day. Finally got to eat at 6:30. I had remembered cheese for my purse this morning but forgot for the afternoon. I’m going to just keep almonds or something in my purse all the time.

Sooooo, so far it seems to be going well. I’m going to have to try my pants on that are sizes smaller than what I wear now. Not sure it’s the best time to do that…maybe too soon, but I need to see where I am and where I can go.

days 12, 13, 14

One more pound down. Again I worry about weighing twice a week, and this morning was a little worrisome since the weekend wasn’t the best. Someday this’ll bite me in the ass. But since July 11 I’m down 10 pounds total, acc. to myfooddiary.com, so it’ll be interesting to see my family this weekend and see if they notice anything different. They haven’t seen me since July 4^th so I wonder if I look different. I don’t feel like I look different but 10 pounds is a nice chunk to lose. Haha…nice pun.

Technically I could be in phase 2 today. But alas, I think I’m going to stay on phase 1 a little longer – or at least phase 1.5 (maybe). Friday went well, even with the multiple units of alcohol in my system from oc’s with jb – oh and the wingy (miss you e!) and veggie & dip tray. I did learn why alcohol isn’t recommended during phase 1…damn, no carbs or bread to suck up the alcohol and whoa can you get a buzz in a hurry! :)

Saturday went okay. I stayed home all day, had my meals as I could (should!) but also had only diet coke to drink and lots of popsicles. Sad, really I’m sad. Sunday was similar except for less popsicles and I had some steak for dinner. (E – can you send me your tricks because mine turned out too done. It was still good, but I can’t quite figure out how to grill it right. Can you help?)

I’m getting addicted to the sugar free popsicles though. They are SO yummy and it’s so hard to believe they are sugar free. I wish I could pack them to take to work with me but maybe that’d be going too far. It’s probably good I’m not sitting at home everyday – I’d go through a box every week! As it is now, it takes me 2 weeks. haha

'It's like a kind of torture...to have to watch the show'

I’m feeling old. Years ago, when I was in college and very active in theatre (i.e. Masquers group) my friends tried to educate me in the world of Monty Python. They couldn’t believe a theatre person had never seen Holy Grail and “omigod you need to see it”. So the group arranged a ‘screening’ of it for me a brian’s house. They were all excited because they, of course, loved the movie. Well I sat down, ready to enjoy and 2 minutes into the movie they were reciting all the lines, so much so that I couldn’t even understand what was being said. So I bowed out that night – which may have pissed them off – but I figured I’d rent it and come to understand it better later.

Well Wednesday I bought the Special Edition of the Holy Grail so I could fill a (so-called) gap from my youth. I sat down to watch it last night and, you know, I just don’t get the humor. Yes, it’s funny to a point but I didn’t quite get the knock-down, all out laughter that had ensued when I watched it in college. Maybe I’m just getting old. Or as Tre said, maybe I just didn’t have the right amount of alcoholic intake to enjoy it. I’ll have to work on that this weekend. :)

But then again, maybe it’s just one of those movies that the first experience is what makes it funny. I find some movies extremely funny that I know others wouldn’t – like Paramedics, My Blue Heaven, Spaceballs, How I Got into College, Plain Clothes, Mannequin, Dream a Little Dream, etc – well basically tons of cheesy 80’s movies.

~~~~

I just received season one of The Muppet Show in the mail today. 4 discs, 604 minutes of pure joy coming my way. It’s very exciting. I remember watching episodes with the family when I was really young, and then reruns when they would occur. Ah, the fun. I mean, really, what could be more fun than watching Statler and Waldorf criticize every moment on the show, or the Swedish Chef, or Doctor Bunsen Honeydew and Beeker? Exciting times.

calling all smart computer wizards who know blogs

i need some help. this wysiwyg action for this blog has been great but now i want to expand it a little and i’m not sure how. i’d like to set up links for some of my entries – like my sb ones for sure – to put them in a separate archived folder. (so it says at the bottom – link at whatever) i’d also like to include some links of interest on the side but i’m not sure how to go about that. Does anyone know?

day 11

Last night was a bad night. Uffda. I hope it doesn’t set me back too much. Wednesday I had read that I could have 30 pistachios versus the 15 almonds or cashews. So I bought a bag. YUMMY! I love pistachios. That’s a danger, though, because last night while I was waiting for my balsamic chicken (in the book) to finish cooking I had some. Then after supper I was still a little hungry so I had more. NOT good…way too many pistachios. On one hand, at least it wasn’t chocolate or sugar or chips, but man…that was so not good. I have to divide those up tonight into little bags of 30 and allow one a day. Grrrr at me.

Otherwise the balsamic chicken from last night was divine! MMMMM so yummy. I kind of like this program because to curb my boredom I’m kind of forced to make different kinds of recipes – which are easy to make, it’s just a trick to actually taking the time to prepare since the last two have required at least some time of marinating. And the recipes turn out great! I love these chicken options! I’m going to try the turkey roll ups tonight. I didn’t get the Boston leaves because that seemed odd to me so I’m going to try normal lettuce and I hope that will work.

an icon passed

Last night I watched the special on Peter Jennings (Peter Jennings: Reporter). Wow…he really was an amazing journalist, anchor, and apparently writer – I’m going to have to look up his books when I’m done with John Adams. One of the folks speaking about him said Peter was the perfect person to cover the 9-11 attacks because he was always so stable. It struck me that he really lived up to his title as “anchor”. I remember watching him at times during the coverage and he was always calm and stable, even in the scariest moments, while the nation was trembling.

It struck a chord with me when they showed some footage of his time in the Middle East – specifically Jerusalem and Bethlehem. They spoke of how he would go out and find the simplest stories that had a broader and deeper meaning than just face value and how he would draw that out for the American public to see. I wish I had that talent…That was something I wanted to work on when I was in Israel last year but with the animosity I was getting from one person on the trip it made it a little difficult. Plus I just wasn’t as prepared as I should have been.

Joel always told me that if I wanted to be a writer I needed to write. I think I mentioned that once before on this blog way back when I started, but seeing the PJ special really brought it back. A goal for the fall perhaps…

day 10

I really shouldn’t do this, but I weighed again this morning. Another pound down. I guess as long as it keeps going down, weighing twice a week isn’t bad. I shouldn’t though, because that one week I plateau I’m scared I’m going to give it all up. Found sugar free Twizzlers last night. Mmmm And I had a dream that I was eating the sf fudgsicles and loving them but then I actually finally looked at the box and it said they had 38g of sugar. Scared the crap out of me so I had to double check this morning…*sigh* no sugar.

Yesterday was better for food, but I’m finding my nighttime is harder than last week. I don’t have food for supper at home. When before I’d just throw in a pizza or have a grilled cheese sandwich, now I’m trying to find salad – which once a day is about all I can eat of that or I get bored – or eggs or chicken or something. I just realized I could have had tuna and I probably should have last night but oh well. I’m marinating chicken right now for balsamic chicken from the book for tonight. I hope it turns out. I really do because earlier this week I heard myself say, I’m bored with my food. Not a good thing. That was when I tried the gingered chicken (which is almost better cubed and heated up to put on a salad, than just eating alone) and triggered again the balsamic chicken I started last night. I need steak. I’m going to HAVE to grill this weekend and then call E so he can walk me through his steps so it turns out nummy instead of charred.

I am making a list of all the stuff I have in my cupboards and freezer to take home next week for my sister or brother for their kids…like chicken nuggets – I can’t eat those so I might as well get them out of the house – as well as the pretzels, ‘normal’ pasta, etc. better to have it gone than hanging around.

Off to my virtual model so I can see if I am shrinking in size or if it’s just my imagination.

day 9

Tuesday went much better. Though, I felt more hungry than usual, or at least more hungry than I have these past 2.5 weeks. I ate my eggs and was starving so I had some cheese AND peanuts before lunch. Lunch was a bigger salad than Monday but it didn’t fill me up so more cheese in the afternoon. That helped, and I was good the rest of the afternoon. I hadn’t brought my standard celery/pb so good thing I didn’t need that. supper was iffy. I wasn’t in the mood to eat, though I was craving steak but had totally forgotten to pick one up when I was at Rainbow so I had my leftover chicken salad, small salad, and jello/coolwhip for dessert. Then a fudgsicle later – those are soooo yummy.

Not sure why I’m suddenly more hungry than usual. I didn’t have my diet coke I usually have during the day, but drank my normal amount of CL plus some when I got home. Very strange.

ostinato anyone?

my friend B is the best. she is so full of life and energy, you just can't help but smile when you see her coming. the past week or so she's been taking an Orff certification class so her comments and answers to questions now come in a rhythm and hand drums. it's great. "let's go to the movie show" i'll have that stuck in my head the rest of the week. or "sanctuary chancel; sanctuary nave" (if you need these sung out you'll have to call me...typing in rhythm is a little tricky) B is just a wonderful woman who has such a great life ahead of her. i'm really glad she's in my life. we’re trekking around lake como tomorrow, provided it doesn’t rain. very exciting!

my other greatest friend ever is Tre. i got to chat with her last night which was a lot of fun, as usual. she had some shocking news. her very own j-man quit his football team this week. the season’s just started but he seemed to have valid reason. but anyway…tre is awesome. she’s always a ‘pick-me-up’ when I need it or just someone to be stupid with.

Tre comes to mind whenever I think of B. Tre is a percussionist, or was in college. Ah, the memories of pounding our drum sticks on her practice pad in McWench Hall. Too much fun. Tre taught me a lot about rhythm (hey, I’m a soprano – the orchestra is supposed to follow ME) and drumming. Thank goodness for her or I would never have passed percussion methods. Though I almost didn’t...

Percussion methods was taught by mr. pinerio. I think that’s how he spelt it. Who knows. He made the mistake of telling us a story about when he was in 7^th grade and got to play with the 8^th grade band or the high school band – something like that – because he was so talented. So the older percussionists would put him on bass drum whenever that was all that was called for. Then they would sit behind the percussion cabinet and heat up the metal mallets with a lighter. To make it even better they would put the mallets right by his neck or cheek then say, “Hey, Pinhead” and of course he’d turn then get burned. So needless to say my opinion of him wasn’t that high. Especially when the year before mr. reick had been there and I was so wanting to learn from him.

So anyway, I have two great pinhead moments: one was when we had to write a drum cadence. Ugh. I’m so not a composer but I threw something together anyway. It actually turned out okay but nothing like some of the others. And my best moment was my trapset final. It happened to fall the day after my 21^st birthday (which I had to Close at Arby’s for the first time as Crew Leader alone and my stupid boyfriend refused to go out for one drink with me so I had to go with Barry instead and ended up drinking WAY too much Hot Damn and beer) when I was hungover – one of the two times in my life. Percussion methods was at 7:10am because pinhead had to be at work at 8 (his ‘real’ job). My test was at 7:30 (and I overslept). So I got there and played the two basic rhythms I could manage but when it came time to play the bossa nova I just looked at him and said, “No, I can’t.” he said, “At least try” and I said, “Look, I know I can’t play it, I’ve tried all week and I’m not feeling well this morning so I don’t think that’s going to help my odds. I’d rather not try and waste your time and the rest of the class’s time. But thanks.” He said, “you’re going to fail that portion.” And I said, “well at least that’d be honest.” And sat down. At least I think all of that went down. I do remember telling him I didn’t want to waste class time trying something I couldn’t do…some of the rest of my comments might have been in my head.

Do you ever notice how memories meld together like that?

day 8

Day 8 went okay. Standard eggs for b-fast; cheese for snack; salad with chicken for lunch; celery/pb for snack; then I had string cheese again around 5 while chatting with Bekah then went home to mow. OMIGOD…then I went home to mow. First it was humid and hot so I was sweating like a pig – well like a horse since pigs don’t sweat – but man, I felt so wiped when I was finished. E – you were right. Today I’m going to jog but man I’m a little nervous. After mowing, shower and water I had a small salad and a sf fudgesicle for the first time – YUMMY!

These are going to be pretty boring entries soon, huh, if I just keep listing my food which doesn’t seem to change from day to day. Oh well…i need to track it somewhere and like I said, you don’t have to read this. :)

sb days - tough times

k asked me when it was that i was having a harder time than others. for many it is late afternoon/evening - right when you're done with work and you're home and snacking is a way of life. This is true for me, but i think my most difficult time is weekends - and not because i'm out doing things so i'm around 'junk' food but it's when i'm home doing little, relaxing from the long week. these are my tough times. these are the times when i'm reading or watching a movie (or three) and i'm just chillin' in my chair. these are the times when i tend to gravitate toward the popsicles or sf chocolate onlyl- like my first saturday on sb - unofficial saturday though - i didn't eat well because i was home reading the book(!) and relaxing. these are the days when I used to just have popcorn for snacks and pizza for supper.

weekends are tough too - or i'm anticipating they may be - when i have to go home for guards. travelling by car is 'snack-time!' guard drill weekends - especially the paper weekends - are stressful and end up being snackfilled and not good stuff - crackers, cookies, sunflower seeds, pop, pop, more pop, suckers, etc. that's coming up soon and i'm getting worried. this one won't be too bad at least for the office - but it's family day so it'll be a cookout at the waterpark. uffda. the first my family will see me since i've started and only lisa knows that i'm attempting this.

I guess I’ll just have to trust myself that I can do this, and I know I can. k&e are a tremendous support, too. Their support, even from afar, is a great help.

tired. are you?

First things first - e&k called me last night! YAY! that was too fun. speaker phone is such a joy. i may have to invest in one so we can all talk on one - plus winter's going to be coming soon and it'll be a tad chilly sitting outside with my cell. :) but it was great to talk to you both. i miss you! Hyde too! seriously, thanks for the great conversation. your support means so much to me - and having you as role models is great...i only wish now that i had started this last fall when you returned so i could have had you around the whole time. but it's okay. this way you'll be able to see the definite changes when i come to see you!

my weekend was good. friday jb and i worked a wedding rehearsal for two young persons getting married. that went well - quick as it was hot and i didn't really want to be out forever. i followed that with "wedding crashers" (again) with a1&a2. they hadn't seen it but it was that or murderball and i needed something really light that i didn't have to think through. we went to b&n afterward and walked around. i found a couple books for zach and emmy but i had left my gc at home so i'll have to go again (darn! - not).

saturday we had choir rehearsal for sunday's church services. that went well. it's always fun singing with a small orchestra. the instrumentalists were phenomenal. after that it was off to ls to work the wedding which worked out fine. one small hitch - i forgot to set up the communion stuff (which wasn't really communion in the sense i know it but whatever) but luckily they had a song right at the beginning so i snuck up and set it up. it worked.

these huge weddings just reiterate for me that i don't think i want that when i get married. i'm still all for the small ceremony, someplace intimate, with e presiding, k playing cello, my sister at my side, and our immediate families surrounding us with their love and support. what more could i ask for. :)

sunday the bach cantata's went really well, considering we only practiced a total of 5 1/2 hours before the services. debbie and i played cribbage between services. everyone kept making the money-changer jokes and such. blah blah blah.

sunday afternoon was great. i took a nap, then watched a couple, three, movies and just vegged while i was doing dishes and getting things ready for the day today. e&k called, as i mentioned, which was the highlight of the weekend. so fun. i can't wait to see them again.

but today now, i'm tired. e had told me, when i mentioned i was going to hit the gym today, that i would have less energy while on this phase. oh i think that's so true - i'm feeling that every morning (and night! I go to bed no later than 10 and I’m still tired)...this is one part i don't like about this program but i feel so much better overall. it might not be due to sb, but the last couple weeks i have had a real hard time getting up in the AM and have felt kind of sluggish throughout the day - or just unmotivated, not sure.

This week is so non-eventful it’s great. I have nothing planned for any of the nights, nor do I have plans for the weekend (save Sunday night when Chad, Debbie and I will get together after 7pm church). It’s so strange since last week every night was booked. This will be a nice change. All the more reason to start jogging at night and sit-ups/push-ups, as well. Guards is coming up again and I think it’s fit-testing month so I have to have at least some of my game on.

day 7

Sunday was an okay day. I ended up having string cheese for breakfast on the way to church since I was running late, as usual. But I did have my eggs between services. After church I made the gingered chicken marinade from the sb book and took a quick nap (yay naps!) while my chicken finished defrosting. Then a salad with some cubed chicken for lunch. The afternoon was bad – nuts, but more than I should have had; two popsicles (only 20 calories – I love them!). For supper I baked the gingered chicken instead of frying it…I don’t like frying things in my house because it spatters everywhere and makes the house smell…and it was yummy. I’m going to cube it up tonight for my salads the rest of the week. I had salad with the chicken and then jell-o with cool whip for dessert. That pretty much filled me up – in fact I felt like I had actually eaten too much.

The rest of the night was okay. I chopped up my peppers for my eggs for the week; made my eggs for Monday; made the salad for Monday, etc. I think I’m going to have to make Sunday’s my day to coordinate my next few days. I need to make it a point to actually make my lunch the night before, not only for convenience but because I just seem to be lacking the energy in the AM’s. OH and I'm down another pound.

day 5 & 6

friday was a pretty good day - day 5 that is - eggs, salad, cheese, celery/pb, etc. during the day. For supper I had three hard-boiled egg whites on the run, not the best but at least some protein before the movie where i had only a sf york.

today has been iffy. eggs for b-fast - normal - but lunch was not good. this afternoon i've been outside at a wedding so i haven't had time to eat properly - supper tonight will be iffy. probably a salad because i'm so hot and tired but i'm going to have to be careful because popcorn has been calling me. :(

recess and boom

Now I remember why I hated recess. You had to be in the ‘in’ group as a kid to play the fun games. And if you weren’t (which I went in and out of the ‘in’ group because they were so fickle it changed daily, but more often than not, I was out) then you were off in a corner by yourself reading a book. Thinking about recess brought up a lot of memories. I remember playing on the “moon” with Else (it was the shadow of the water tower on the football field where we played). I remember getting a necklace from Dusty back in 4^th grade (?) that he had made himself – it was a shell with a hole he had put in and then a chain – I think I still have that somewhere. We used to swing on the swings and every girl wanted Murph to push us because he could push us really, really high. Built in breaks – so fun. Touch football, hotbox (oh wait that was at Angie’s), sitting on the tanks, climbing the monkey bars…oh the memories.

So we had our own form of recess day yesterday. I think it went well. We took a 2 hour bus tour around st. paul learning of it’s history. About 20 people were on the Victorian tour, the rest of us were on the Gangster tour – incl. me – which was a barrel of fun. George “Babyface” Nelson was our guide. Does it get any better? The actor was quite funny.

Lunch was good, as I described in Day 4, and then we followed it up with a ‘cave tour’. The Wabasha Caves have a lot of history packed into them, and our guide – a 12 year old with a desire to be the next Josh Hartnett – did his best to make it interesting. He lost his footing a few times on his ‘scenes’ but overall he did a good job. The best part was when we were in one of the caverns and he’s trying to tell this spooky story about how the ghost would come by and move his picture around if he didn’t whistle, etc, and one of our staff member’s cell phones went off. He got the best Jim Carrey face and said, “You get RECEPTION down here?!” It was hilarious. That was the best reaction to most anything I had seen in a long time.

The reason I really don’t like recess day is because everyone looks at it as a day off. This has never been my understanding and I’m a little confused by it. I was informed at the beginning of my job that Recess Day was a half day event, and the Enrichment day took up the other half (this was to replace the day long retreat that we used to have off site). So because I have thought this I came into work at the normal time – 7:30 – worked until 9 then went to get the buses ready to go and check on details. Recess finished at 2:15 and I went back to work…a few others did as well. But the majority of people went home.

This has always been my beef with this day. I feel guilty when I can go and others in, say the Bookstore, cannot because they don’t have the staffing to cover all their shifts. But those who can just close down their desk, office, shop, whatever – they just go home without a care in the world. Either it needs to be all for all or none. Either everyone should get to go on staff day and then take the rest of the day off /or/ everyone should get to go on staff day but go back to work afterward. And if we stick with this same policy then those who cannot go on recess day (not that they won’t but that they can’t) they should get a half day off some other time – or a full day since that seems to be the trend. The fact that it’s like a holiday for some but not others isn’t right in my book.

But then again, maybe it’s just my own issue since I seem to have a lot of them so what do I know.

~~~~

Last night was great though…I took Carol to hear the Jaztronauts. We’re checking out different bands for an October event and I’ve been asking for them for over a year. J I officially met Joe and chatted with them about the event a little. Kevin came and Kevin’s sister and bro-in-law later to listen and then they were going to go out to eat. We also invited Rick and Nina. By 7:30 Rick showed – we were getting worried – but unfortunately the Jaztro’s were doing a lot of kid-friendly material last night since they were at a family gig. That was a little sad because I really wanted Rick to hear how they really are. Oh well…he seemed to like them anyway. Now it’s just negotiating the price. I love these guys and I hope it’ll work out.

Going to the Jaztro’s delayed my time in getting to the church for choir. I got there just as they were finishing up so I met up with Debbie and we headed to Boom! for drinks with the boys: Mark, Jeff, Paul, Mark, Tim. It was a good time though hanging in a gay bar isn’t usually my first choice. But Mark and I chatted quite a bit and bonded a little bit more.

day 4

day 4 didn’t go to badly, but a moment of badness. We had our staff recess day and I completely forgot we had ordered the Italian meal to go with the gangster tour – so pasta, bread, more pasta. Ugh. At least there was some salad – ceasar and a green salad with ‘shrooms (YUCK!) and green beans. So I took as much ceasar as I could, picked out broccoli from the green ‘shroom salad and took the green beans. I tried to scrape off the dressing as much as I could and didn’t eat the croutons (thank goodness I don’t like those anyway). That helped but I know I got way more than I should have, and the beans must have been cooked in some sort of weird butter/oil thing because though the bean was crisp they were kinda slimy on the outside. I had brought along my cl and cheese for the bus ride. That helped and when I got back I had celery with pb. That was good and I got back on track after that – salad with egg whites, chicken feta and little dressing for supper. Then dc and rum at boom with the boys.

Hey J-man

I miss your ramblings too...hope you're doing well!

day 3

Yesterday went okay. i'm finding i'm not as hungry as usual but when i am i don't need bread or donuts or anything to fill me up. string cheese or even a few almonds can do the trick. i also figured out last night that i don't need to slather my celery with pb just to make it taste better - or taste at all - just a little bit on the tip for each big bite works great.

the only bad thing yesterday was drinking my 2 nalgene's in the AM then having my dc/splenda for the only thing in the afternoon AND missing an afternoon snack. i got home and i was starving - so the celery/pb thing and more cl helped. I waited an couple hours then had salad with chicken and feta - great supper! - then a sf creamsicle. The latter are really becoming my favorite thing lately. they give me the sweet i need but fill me up too. i should have waited a bit to eat it though because by 9 i was starting to feel the gnaw of hunger so i had a few peanuts - that might have been since i was preping everything for today.

Today will be interesting since we have the bus tours and then ITALIAN for lunch - crap. i wasn't thinking when i decided to start this week - oh well. We'll see how it goes!

RECESS!!!!

Remember how when you were a kid you’d count down the minutes until it was time to go outside and play? Well today is our “staff recess day” where everyone skips work until it’s time to leave and then once it’s over they all go home. I, however, am dedicated and was here early today and working right up until we get on the damn bus and then when we return am working another 3 hours. Isn’t that great? We’re doing a Gangster or Victorian bus tour, lunch at the Wabasha Caves and then we’re doing the walking cave tour. Kind of cool – at least I hope it will be. I’m a little nervous. Heading up these great events is just daunting because if they suck, you know they’re going to come back on me. Shee-it.

real life...it happens here (on occasion)

i've decided for those of you who read this - all 4 of you - and don't want to read all the sb stuff that i'll keep those in separate entries by days. real life will happen here. that way you can avoid my ramble about sb and just read the ramble i spew forth otherwise throughout the day. isn't that just a joy? doesn't that just make your life fabulous? ha!

First and foremost: HAPPY B-DAY BEKAH!

yesterday was a pretty good day, all in all. but i've been having some struggles i need to figure out how to fix. i go to bed at a normal time - really not that much later than i usually do - but getting up in the morning has been a struggle lately. my alarm will go off and i just don't want to get out of bed, so i curl up in the most incredible bed ever and then panic when i hear a beep and realize it's 6:50 and i need to be out the door in 20 minutes. panic helps me to move faster but there are certain things to accomplish every morning which just take a certain amount of time so it's becoming difficult. i don't know....i'll have to work on that one.

my other struggle is that i'm just not feeling motivated to work lately. last week was understandable with reset week and everything else, but this week - you'd think i'd be raring to go, but i'm just so not. it's not that i don't like my work but it's just not 'doing-it' for me lately. another focus to work on.

choir is going well. it's great to be singing again - though the Bach cantata's are not pleasant when you're a soprano. sitting on high e's, f's, g's and the occaisional a is not a cool thing to do - especially when you haven't really sung since April (and by 'you' I mean me). but they are coming together well and we have a few extra's in our choir that make it pretty fun. i hope they stick around - not all of them can as they have other committments but it'd be nice to add to the group. ethan isn't singing this summer which is a little sad since the eye candy would be nice but, eh, whadda ya do.

tonight jay is supposed to be in town. he has a meeting in rochester tomorrow so he's flying in today and then dinner tonight with me! sans girlfriend! yay! jay all to myself! i regret that during graduation i didn't get to see him as much as we could have, but i got to spend a great time with k&e and j&e and la so it was even better. but tonight me and jay. i need to pick his brain about some workout stuff - most importantly the best exercise/weights to lift to help avoid the granny arms - i've seen a lot of my friends (not you k - you did it right) who have lost a lot of weight but then end up with all the extra skin on their underarms - totally reminds me of Dot which is scary and I don't want to end up like that in the end. ;)

I'm getting crabby - the font thing is not working for me and i've fixed and republished this this 20 times now this morning. GRRR....maybe this one will help now. let's hope so. if not you'll have to deal with the large print...sorry

day 2

yesterday went much better on sb. i think i controlled the caloric intake of the 'fun' foods a little better - less sf chocolate and jello. In fact, if I'm remembering correctly, I only had one piece of sf dkch and then the sf creamsicle last night. not bad.

this is an interesting eating plan - it's not really that different from what i had been doing but the lack of bread and fruit is strange. tonight may be a challenge if jay and i actually make it to dinner and tomorrow when we choir folk finally do go out after rehearsal.

but so far so good. i HAD to know this morning and so since the reset began last week monday, i am now down almost a full 6 pounds (2/10 off of a full 6 pounds - but who's counting, really). i probably shouldn't have weighed this morning but sometimes that little bit helps.

hey sme - aka k - just in case you read this one...can you send me an email with how you did during phase 1? just curious - i need something to base off. thanks girl.

Janice is in the building!

They're testing our fire alarms today. It's great. It sounds like Janice from season 1 of Friends when she's doing the fog horn "Ja-nice...Ja-nice" without the wabble tone. Just a beautifully, long nasal tone telling us to run - run for your life! Remember to stop, drop and roll if you need to!

Ooops. It just stopped - a choking off of Janice on the condom receipt slip from a later season (3?). Or maybe just a duck dying. either way...

so far so good...

official day one is going well. not sure what i'm going to do for supper tonight but I'm sure I'll figure something out.

feet are weird looking. well, at least my feet - especially at different angles...man it looks like i have a board for a foot...with pretty purple toenails and a toe ring.

day 1 - officially

last week was a reset week - water/juice on monday, add fruit on tuesday, add veggies on wednesday - then as i said in a previous blog i broke down and had some cheese wed. night. so k suggested i start SB on thursday. well, officially i start today, but i did begin to do some sb things this weekend (like bringing string cheese and SF chocolate to the movies) and, after my reset week (which i had lost 4 pounds by thursday doing the reset) i not only maintained that 4 pounds off but also lost another .8 of a pound. i broke my plateau weight that i have been trying to break for months. YAY!

so today is official. thank goodness my sme said i could still have rum and dc this week (even though the book says no) - we have choir rehearsal all week and that, of course, means nights out. And thank goodness i can keep drinking my cl. if i couldn't do that, i wouldn't be making it. this'll be good. i'm excited for this. yesiree bob, i'm getting my life back on track...

they left...

last night i met up with k&e at mannings for a last night out. they brought me my office space and lock-n-lock container back, i brought them 'the brothers k'. after 3 drinks for k&i and 2 schooners for e, we headed to tim and debbie's where they and bekah were making mojitos (sp?). leland and jo came over too.

they're really gone now. i cried the way home last night and again for a bit when we had our last hug here (i had to stay somewhat stoic since i have to work all day but it's still sad). i'm sad that we won't get to spend time together. no more k or e stopping by the desk to say hi, no more bitch sessions over lunch while i'm on 'break' and k or e are actually working. no more drink nights at chianti or sweeneys. no more wingy together. :)

i don't know that i've had a relationship/friendship like this with a married couple - except maybe heidi & mike - where they are so loving and giving to each other but also to all their friends around them. they are so supportive and caring for everyone. sometimes a person is lucky enough to get that in one friend but to get it in two, wow. it's amazing. i'm not expressing what I really want to say so this doesn't really make sense. sorry.

despite my sadness, i'm really excited for them. they are making a fresh start - new apartment (soon to be house), new jobs, new state, new life. i'm very happy for them and can't wait to visit so i can see them continue to grow.

we've made a promise to stay in touch - either blogs or email or both - plus the occasional phone call and visit. october baby! :)

friendship

t was talking about friendships today...and it makes me feel a little bit like an intruder, reading his blog as i do off a recommendation from our mutual friends. but his comments and prayers make me think, so t, if you do read mine (not that I expect you to) i just want to thank you for your words of wisdom and your deepfelt prayers that you are sharing with the internet world which i have been blessed to read and absorb.

friendships are tricky. t had mentioned how few of birth-college friends he has left. i think about my life too - anthony is the only from high school though you could count kristin though she and i weren't friends in hs, just lately through the ang. And really my only true college friend i have left is tre. beth and i keep in touch on occasion and every now and then some of the masquers drop a line. karla and i have been off and on in-touch and i am trying desperately to make it to her wedding in december to try to renew the bonds. i sent an email to my dear friend vicki last week but i haven't heard anything in return, which makes me sad but i think she and i have ventured to different places in our live. oh and matt is moving here but he and i weren't that close in college, but maybe that'll change now. So there's a handful i've named, but really tre is the only one i still am close with. it's odd.

i think about all those friends i have lost touch with - it makes me sad: tara, grant, gary, kent (oh kent!), jim (sigh), darren, kim/ joel, jason (my moon!), josh/ nicole, ric, kristy, rachel/ alan (these last two I think are even living up here somewhere!), dolly, beth/ jason, tim, saire, julie, amy/neil, jill, brian, jason t, dr. j, dr. e, dr. bill, dr. alan, angela, matt p, matty, jim, tom b, derek, jen, jay, erin, cris, chaun, patrick, and i'm sure more whom i can't remember right now, but will add as I do. how can you share so many moments and times together but lose complete touch?

i look at my life now, having been at the sem for 5 years, a student 4 of those years and i see the relationships i have had - many continue but many have ended as lives change and people move on. mandy and i were close our first year, but then things changed. heidi and i were together often my second year but now she's in texas and we keep in touch periodically. jay and i still stay in contact, which is great, and i hope that continues after he is married, but i suspect that may change too. mikey, oh mikey, i miss mikey. he and i drop lines to each other occasionally too, but as psuedo boy/girl-friends to each other you'd think we'd keep in contact more. :) and chris - chris honey i miss you.

now k&e are leaving, j-man has left, and i'm still here. [yes leland is still around for awhile, and jb is still here too :) ] i hope we can continue to keep in contact. it will be difficult as their lives change and become immersed in their congregations and as i continue here becoming immersed back into the seminary world.

i look back over the list of missing 'wolves' and it makes me sad. so many memories and they are gone - not the memories but the opportunities to make more with them. i look at those leaving now and i know memories will still be made with them but they will be different - planned and intentional as we will have to work to keep the friendship alive. i'm seeing too that i need to take some steps to work on those missing relationships or they won't rekindle. it's scary as there will be hurt when some don't respond, but joy if they do.

maybe it's just summer and this feeling of laziness that comes with the 75 degree, sunny days that make me want to play hooky and spend the day at lake nokomis with a great book, picnic and suntan lotion (i tend to burn, being the fair-skinned, red-head I am) and think about these people and take time to write them letters. maybe i'm just realizing how self-centered i am and selfish i have been and still am with my friends. maybe i take them for granted and they leave me because i don't care about them enough. or i give up on them because of my self-centeredness. maybe i'm jsut a total beeatch who should be left alone. but i hope not. i hope my friends know that i really do care about them and want them to succeed in everything they do, that i want to be there for them every step of the way and if i can't be that they know that they are in my thoughts and prayers daily.

a short one for the road

i made a promise to myself that i wouldn't blog this morning as i have work i need to get done but i'm not quite motivated yet. maybe in 9 minutes i can really start.

broke down and had some cheese and a few nut thins last night. mmm mmm good. might as well go back to the normal eats for a bit or at least close to it. just finished my morning egg whites with peppers. yummy! i had to get some clarity from my South Beach SME* last night. she filled me in of all i needed to know - or at least what i need to know to start - like that i can still have crystal lite when i'm in phase 1 (thank goodness!). it will be a bit difficult next week when we choir folk are going out...but dc will be my saving grace. at least i can pretend i have rum in it even though i'm not supposed to...but my friends won't need to know! :) i'm so vindicitive.

hung out with a1&a2 last night - we intended to go to a movie but by the time things settled down so we could go it would have been really late to go and a1 was really tired and lying on my floor watching friends. a2 ran to the store to get laundry detergent then came back and we watched the gag reels before calling it a night. boring but fun.

tonight is my first wedding rehearsal in about a year. c had taken me off them because of c&s so i haven't been in the wedding game. it should be interesting. it's a pretty easy, basic wedding with simple music and only one witness on each side. i think it'll be really nice. it's a good one to ease me in on since next week is an outside one.

it makes me excited for a1&a2's wedding when that happens next year. i don't know if i should be part of their 'brain trust' as they call it but i would love to be able to help out. it'd be interesting to plan an event from top to bottom on my own without c there to walk me through it. i think it's something i need to do so i can see if this event planning thing is what i want to do our not. i think i enjoy this job - well i do, but do i have the skills or knowledge to take it to the next level. that's the question.

okay my time is up, in fact i went over by a minute. more later perhaps.

*subject matter expert

How about some celery? Peppers? No, you look like a lettuce lover.

day 3, and while lettuce and veggies are good, they just don't work in the wee morning hours before lunch. and then salad for lunch just doesn't quite cut it. i'm hankering for a smoothie. maybe...

saw tsn today. that was fun to see him back from prinston. wow that doesn't look right when i type it so either i'm spelling it wrong or nj words are just messed up. let's try another: trenton. yep that looks weird too. (Update: I am spelling it wrong! Dang I'm an idiot... princeton - there you go. trenton still looks weird though.)

slept great last night which is good. ma is still dealing with 'him' issues and it's driving me nuts. i wish he'd leave her alone or pledge (and act) his undying love. this in between crap is for the birds. sometimes i'm glad being single.

watermelon anyone?

I'm enjoying life with watermelon and bananas for the last time (most likely) this week. Monday I'll be starting South Beach. I'm only writing this here because, if I don't, I don't know if I'll keep it up. I need to be accountable somewhere so I'm going to do it here. If you don't want to read about the foods and things I'm going to be undertaking, then don't read the blog. It won't be primarily SB but I need to/want to track what I'm doing and I think this will be a good way. i was trying the myfooddiary.com but it got depressing when I'd get frownies everyday for stupid reasons. I like keeping track of my food so I'll probably keep it going but it'll be interesting to see how it plays out my life and how many frownies I get doing SB instead.

K turned me on to Stephanie Klein's blog. She's becoming a bigger name out east with her writings. (she remindes me of Heather Armstrong at dooce - she says whatever she wants - very open and direct - I wish I could be like her) Stephanie had one blog the other day which really made me stop and think. It made me realize that I'm not the only person who had the threat of fat camp as a kid, or struggles with weight and food on a daily basis. It's reassuring that I'm not alone even as I struggle with my own demons.

rephrase

OK...so let me rephrase things from yesterday - Yes people I love will be leaving me and things will be incredibly different but friends will still be around whom I will hang out with and have a glorious time with - la until he leaves, jb even though she's not really here :) and i'm sure there are others I'm missing. i didn't mean to leave you out of the blog yesterday. you are all important and it just makes me realize that i really do have more friends than i think - that is if you'll stay my friends after yesterday's emotional tirade. :)

quickly

i have to be quick with this because i have a meeting in 20 minutes but i need to write. good thing i can type fast.

erik made the comment that changes are going to be more acute for me because i'm staying while everyone else is moving on. i hadn't thought about that. in past years it hasn't made that much of a difference because i still have had friends/colleagues around - and there still will be some here since not all of the 'seniors' have calls or have officially finished, but those aren't the ones that i'm really close to so erik's right (as usual) it will be quite a change. and it's all culminating by Sunday. sheesh...where did the time go.

last night erik, k and i grilled out at my apartment. they had never been over and it gave me a great reason to clean (wow I can see my floor again!). it was such a great time with so much great food. erik is truly the grill master as the steak (i will say it again) was MMM MMMM MMMMMMM good. we had such a great time last night and i will truly miss hanging out with them. at least we set a date for october for me to go visit. yay!

i am very sad that i didn't get to spend more time with justin before he left. i should have been there thursday but i had already promised deandave i would babysit that night and of course it would be the one night they actually stayed out later. oh well...i will see him again soon I hope at the very least at his ordination the end of august.

okay time is up....

Routines

Life really can throw some curve balls, no? Just when I start thinking things are going well, suddenly I get the urge to try something different. Most can cope with the change go with the flow, with maybe some minor grumblings, but there are others out there in the world that just want to fight it every step of the way, especially when there is no explanation for the change, just that it's happening.

I, sadly, used to be one of these latter people, but I am finding more as I grow older that I have become (and maybe truly always was one but thought the latter was the norm and of course that's what I should be - normal) the previous. Change keeps happening around me and I'm okay with it. In fact I'm the cause of some of the changes and that doesn't frighten me - in fact, it makes me happy. Change is scary at times, but it is rarely for the worst. Change can make things better. It means to transform, to lay aside and abandon for something else. And I would say most people strive to transform themselves into something better - e.g. they want to abandon their fatty self and transform into a thinner person - and so they change their routines - they make changes to their eating patterns - they 'change' clothes and run or walk or work out. These changes are for the good!

But some changes are hard for people to take and accept. Changes in friends and social circles can be a struggle. So many I know are going through these changes and I with them as I am part of them. People are moving or have moved, people are getting new jobs, people are leaving this tight knit to spread out and share their love and gifts with others. It feels like our circles are breaking apart, but I think we must instead realize that our circle isn't breaking, but growing - stretching out to the other sides of the world, it seems, and embracing other circles - we're becoming those magic rings magician's use that are all linked together and form a huge strand - we're like the Olympic Rings - all different colors but all linked together for one common good - we're like a chain that just can't be broken.

Sometimes the chain does break or the link comes free - this does happen - and the decision comes to either fix the broken link or replace it with a new one. It's a struggle and a hard decision to make - sometimes the rest of the chain is dependent on that link - but often the rest of the chain can survive without the link and so it becomes a tough decision.

At times like that all you can do is pray - pray that either the chain stays together or the link is replaced with another strong link.

Wow...I didn't mean for that all to become so distressing. The thing is with all these changes going on, changes in relationships are going to happen as well. It will take a lot of work on everyone's part to stay together. And if one side doesn't want that, sometimes you just have to step back and wait for them to come to you. But trusting that God will keep the relationships as they should be are essential. God is the light and the truth and only through God are we together in the first place.

leland is heartless

he stands before me eating ice cream and offering me none. what an ass.

dorks of the world, unite!

I have to chuckle. I just made a 'funny' which really wasn't that funny but the woman I made it to was very kind. She had walked by and I had said, "hello, how are you?" she replied, "I am well. How are you?" And I said, "I am well...as well." hahaha. Then I said, "I'm such a dork." She said, "Well, congratulations and I empathize with you." This led to a discussion on whether or not you can congratulate someone and yet still have pity for them. We came to the conclusion that you can do both - in fact, I relish in it. :)

Last night was great...Debbie and I met up at Major's for our favorite Spinich Cheese Dip and Pepporoni/Green Olive pizza. SO bad for us but OH SO GOOD! It was a great time - she and I haven't seen in each other since Marky Mark's party so it was good to catch up.

I came to a realization today after reading both J's and L's blogs that time has completely gotten away from me and J will be leaving us soon. It makes me sad. L put together an incredible book for J of quotes and scripture and he invited me to join in. In my state of dorkiness I tried to come up with what I wanted to say, but what to do you say to a man who has been such a great friend and a South Dakota boy to boot? I finally shot something out but it didn't fill the emotions and what I wanted to say the way I wanted. I can only hope that J knows and understands just how much I will miss him and have treasured his friendship over the years.

Blessings to you, Justin dear. You are loved and will be missed.

I've got couscous!

C let me out of work yesterday an hour early! WOW! On my way home Morty hit 10,000 miles. It was a very exciting moment. I called Mom to share it with her but had her voice mail so I just left her a long message first then called back and she answered. It was pretty funny. So when I got home I sat and finished HP6. It was really good! The ending sucked a bit but also left things open for HP7. Nicely done. This really has been a great series. I saw today on imdb.com that Ralph Fiennes is playing Lord Voldemort in the next movie coming out. I suppose I should watch the first ones so I can catch up - they are a little different from the books which drives me nuts but maybe it won't be so bad. I mean, come on! Ralph Fiennes! He's a hottie!

After I read I took out the garbage and ran into A&A. Their friend Erica was over so I met her and chatted for a bit then headed in to clean. I wasn't in the door 2 minutes when A came down and invitied me to supper. That was really sweet. I felt a little bad because I felt like I had inadvertently vied for an invite which I really hadn't. But they said I didn't and just wanted me there. We had grilled salmon, grilled corn and couscous (I picked out the shrooms to A's amusement). A& Erica played Trivial Pursuit while A and I chatted outside. All in all, a very nice evening.

whoops

So the whole, "I have to clean the house!" and "I'm reading HP slow to savor it" sort of flew out the window yesterday. It was still hotter than snot so after working a couple hours at the ID I went home and ended up reading and watching movies the rest of the day - how sad. I did do laundry, so at least I accomplished something, but my house is still in shambles! How sad am I...don't answer that - it's rhetorical.

But HP is turning out to be quite delightful - it's much more adult than previous books but still with the hint of kidness. I'm really enjoying it.

Very good news - E got a call so he will soon be forevermore Pastor EG. Well That's not what we're calling him but brevity is the the highest goal here at blogger... :) Anyway, Congrats E! I'm really happy for you!

And while we're on the subject of E, let me also pass along best wishes for K as she interviews today. Prayers are with you, dear! :)

Pictures

One of Jake's presents was a camping set with a pop up cup. He had a lot of fun with this, until he found my gift which was squeezy balls that looked like blown-up animals and a net. Very fun. :) He actually had a lot of great presents, lucky kid.

Jake tried to eat the plastic balloons off his Elmo cake.
Good thing Granny was there to save him! :)

Hey! I'm 2 today!
(well July 1 and this picture was a day later,
but who's really going to be that picky...)

Tre part ii

Yesterday was a fabulous day as I got to spend most of it with Tre and her Joel. So fun, though 5.5 hours in the Mall o' Death is not my ideal way to spend a day, but it was great. I highly approve of Tre's choice in this man...he's a sweetheart, not even once complaining about walking through the mall for all those hours. And hell, he put up with me! :) He was great.

Then, my new employee of the month made a point to call me with the next best news: my Harry Potter book had arrived!!!! YAY! Well, we don't officially HAVE an employee of the month, but if we did E would be the recipient. :)

Then, I went to Target and picked up the pics from J-man's b-day party. Very cute. I got a couple really good ones...and as promised I have attached them here if they work right. We'll see, no?

Last night was good, I did dishes, had some supper and vegged. I only read a couple chapters of HP as I promised E that I would take my time and savor the read (even though, unlike E, I do re-read books many times and definitely will with this one).

Today looks to be another quiet day - though I HAVE to clean my house. The mess is running away with things. It's time to SORT! YAY!

SO here are the pics if I can get them to work... later gators...
wait, no...I'm going to put them in a separate entry so they are easier to read...

His Girl Friday

WOW! Last night was the first of my season tickets to the Guthrie. Somehow Lee in the ticketing office hooked me up with Row B, seat 54 - RIGHT UP FRONT! I was all of 4 feet from Angela Bassett, Courtney B. Vance and Reginald Vel Johnson. How freakin' cool! SO, for those 4 of you who read this, if you want a great play to go to please go see His Girl Friday. One guy down the row from me left at intermission because he hated the "nyuk, nyuk" aspect of it all. It's a little that but so appropriate for the show. I think if they had downplayed it, it wouldn't have been as good. The guy who plays Earl is great and the girl playing Mollie was fabulous. What a show! I highly recommend it.

Today, I had great news from two of my friends. My friend Karla from NSU is getting married in December! YAY! It's such a great excuse to go to Texas in the winter. AND my friends Sara and Ryan are pregnant again! It's just so great!

I feel about this big | |

I hate dating. This is why I was going to not even think about it this summer...too much pressure, having expectations, getting them shot down and feeling like snot. Saturday I was supposed to go to a movie with T. Well T has a 7 year old daughter and Friday was her birthday, but the party was on Saturday. T thought that he and I could still meet up since her party was supposed to be finished by 4. I didn't hear from him from Wednesday night until 7pm Saturday night when he called to say that he was still at the birthday party and his ex had gone for ice and blah blah blah. I was annoyed, mostly because he didn't call until we should have already been out, but also with myself for even considering dating at this time. It's that old tried and true feeling that when someone shows you a hint of interest, suddenly you must be desirable again, even though you're probably not. Anyway, I didn't get him called back on Sunday because I just wasn't sure what to say. Finally yesterday I wrote and said, "Hey T, I got your message from Saturday. This week doesn't work for me. Maybe another time?" (He had asked about a movie next weekend, but Tre is in town and I'm watching DL's kids Friday and working Sunday - but I didn't feel like I should have to explain all this to him). So he writes today and says: "thats ok, sorry about last weekend, again, thankyou anyways, ive been very busy ( with the real world, work, gabby, and other matters ) i completely understand, good luck to you." So now I feel like a total heel because he took it as I was blowing him off...which in some ways maybe I was but ugh. I feel like snot and I don't like that feeling.

Anyway...I started myfooddiary.com yesterday. It's interesting to actually put down on paper (so to speak) what you eat throughout the day and accounting for the nutritional value. Yesterday I was sort of doing well, but then I ended up with too few calories. Weird but I suppose that's probably accurate. So I'm watching it a bit more today and we'll see how it goes.

I'm very excited about this committee I'm on. It seems like things are finally coming together and we have so many good plans for the fall. I hope we can make this committee better and worthy of the respect it deserves. It'd be nice to make it a committee that people actually WANT to be on rather than the one everyone avoids because they hate it. What a goal! :)

OOOOOO And tonight! Is my first night of season tickets to the Guthrie! YAY!

Sanding away the grime

Yesterday morning I started my latest project. My neighbors A&A upstairs have a picnic table - one of the old fashioned ones actually made out of wood and painted red! It's a smaller version of ones you think of with separate benches for us to sit. Well the paint has been peeling for awhile now and I've been itching to do something about it. So I chatted with them about it and they are sweet enough to let me play out my butch side. :) So Saturday I got up and started scraping away at the paint. When I got annoyed, which didn't take long, I whipped out Dad's power sander and started sanding away the paint. Suh-weeet! I felt like Tim Allen or something. It was great and I got almost all of the top of the table done...with a few spots missed. Overall it's starting to look great. Now I have a project for the next week or so - provided I come home each night and work on it some. I have to finish the top and flip over the table to work on the bottom. Of course I started at such a great time since the weather is supposed to be hotter than blazes this week. Oh well. :)

Last night I was supposed to go to a movie with T. Yeah, that didn't happen. I don't understand why I can't get to the second date with these guys...ugh. Oh well...maybe it was for the best, I was/am a little unsure about it anyway since he has a daughter and is shorter than me (how shallow am I!). He called around 7 last night but I was on the phone with Tre...she was doing better and I get to see her next weekend! YAY! And meet her man J. It's about time I meet J since my approval is pertinent to the continuation of their relationship. ;) just kidding. I'm sure I'll love him since Tre does.

Today I'm working because there's a baptism here at school. Pretty cool. The Baptism of Soledad is similar to my sanding project... As I sanded away the paint and grime the new wood shone through cleaner and brighter than ever...as Soledad is baptized, the water will wash away the grime of sin and leave her cleaner and brighter than ever... what a blessing! Blessings on Amy, Steve, Sigourney and Soledad. :)

tre

Talked with Tre last night. She wasn't her usually perky, speed-takling self which worries me. I know she's down about her many doctor's appointments and turning 30 and it worries me. I hope seeing her next week will help. After we chatted she did seem more upbeat than when we started talking. I worry about her and I miss her horribly. I wish we lived closer to each other but I know that's not going to happen anytime soon so we'll just have to make due. I need to make more of an effort to see her now that I'm not as busy. She's too great. And I get to meet her J-man next week which will be interesting. If he doesn't measure up to my/her standards I just don't know what I'll do. :)

Doing well so far on the eating plan, except for last night. I had pasghetti and salad - tons of carbs! - but it was so good. Otherwise I've been doing well this week. And I've been on time or early to work! YAY! Not that I'm not usually on time, but this week has been great.

This weekend looks to be good. Movie tonight with C&B and then scraping and starting to sand our picnic table tomorrow and movie tomorrow with T. Sunday I'm helping at a baptism doing the sound...thank goodness it's just one mic needed! :) It's nice to have weekends fairly free to do what I want again.

Blogging...

hello j-man. I'm back. :)

What a weekend! My fabulous boss gave me Tuesday off so I was able to go home for 4 wonderful days. It was great. After speeding on Hwy 7 to get to Brookings Saturday AM, I spent a great day at Kev and Joey's for Jake's b-day party. I'm hoping to get pictures soon and I'll upload if I can figure out how. Jake was so cute! He walked around most of the morning saying, "Presents? Presents?" :) And of course he loved my present. I got him a bath toy - a basketball hoop with 5 squirty balls shaped like overblown animals. So fun. Joey said that he wouldn't leave the tub that night without them. :) YAY me! I also got him a stuffed Elmo doll that is almost as big as he is and a stuff Shrek that talks. I gave that to him on the 4th and while we were having snack time we set Elmo next to him and Jake proceeded to share his banana with Elmo. When Elmo 'said', "Jake I'm full, you can have my banana," Jake said, "Tank yoo, Elmo." Oh! So precious...it just breaks your heart. :) Or rather fills a heart with joy.

The weekend was also great because Kevin took me out shooting. I think I'm supposed to qualify on an M-9 this year for guards but I've never shot a pistol so Kev offered to help me out. :) We went to the range and shot a .40, a .45 and a .44 Magnum. Sweet. I alternated between the .40 and .44 mostly to help build my shoulder muscles (.44) and to get used to the feel of the pistol (.40) since it's most close to what I'll be shooting in November. I looked SO the part of a military girl - big clunky steel-toed military boots from Kevin, jeans and a baby-doll Breast Cancer site t-shirt. Oh, wasn't I just a dainty flower. :)

Sunday night we went to Lisa and Ryan's for fireworks. All was great til one exploded wrong and shot under Dick, Harry and Mary. That was quite exciting. not. But overall Ryan put on a great show and the 4th actually seemed like the 4th again. It's interesting to celebrate it while reading David McCullough's John Adams. I love McCullough's history books. He makes them come alive, even if they are slower reading than I'm used to. I have 3 more of his waiting in the wings - Truman, Mornings on Horseback (about Teddy Roosevelt) and 1776.

Monday Mom and I ran to Sioux Falls quick and then did a Morbid Tour - we went to West to check on the flowers at Dad's, then Pioneer to check on grandma's stone - which is wrong, and then to East to check on Tuffy and Jimmy's. We would have made it to St. Olaf, but by the time we got to East Mom just wanted to go home, rightfully so. We had lunch and then went to Brookings for the 4th of July 'parade'. It was mostly rescue trucks driving down the street. But it made me tear up - I must be having a month of PMS or something - I wasn't expecting that. I don't know if it was all the patriotism I actually saw for once or what, but it was pretty powerful. Thank goodness for sunglasses. The rest of the day we just spent washing cars, taking a walk and relaxing. All in all a stellar weekend.

Now I'm back at Events full-time. It's a good thing I think. Yesterday I ran errands for Rick's party with Carol and ran some errands I have needed to for about a month (like getting a copy card!) and chatted with Carol on some other plans. She's gone today so I can work in her office this afternoon instead of the hole. I hope we can figure this stuff out soon. But until then I guess I'll just go with the flow.

Walked around Lake Nokomis twice last night. 5.4 miles - a nice start to losing those extra pounds I've gained. :) I started to fix my life a bit yesterday too. Mom and I had read this tip to help your mornings go smoother - set a timer 10 minutes before you have to leave the house- and it worked. I was 5 minutes early yesterday and 10 minutes today. Craziness that a little thing like that would help. But I'm back on my eating plan a bit. Not completely since I didn't eat at all after lunch yesterday - though I did have a glass of milk before mowing, but I don't think that counts. But I'm on my way to greatness - or was it hotness....I can't remember the motto Jay and I set up. I think it was "We're on our way to hotness." that sounds right. I'll have to find it and hang it up with my Arnold poster. I'll be set.

Talking out loud

I think I talk too much. I need to think more. Or just listen better. or something.

Months ago...well 3 or so...I was really in a mess, trying to figure out what I was going to do with my life. Now I'm 3 days away from returning to events and while I'm super excited about it - getting back to a normal routine with only one job during the day and keeping my mind somewhat on straight - I'm still a little apprehensive about it. I chuckle at comments made and the job issues we've been going through. We have too many people doing one job. It's true, and in the corporate world, someone would probably be gone, but we don't do that here. Which makes me wonder why and if I should leave? Am I staying again because I fear change so much? Because I fear the lack of stability? Because I fear losing benefits and not having dental? It makes me feel like such a chicken with no backbone. I feel like I should take a risk and move on.

But then the question comes up - what would I move on to do? "I'm trained for nothing!" I hear a voice cry out in my head. I can file, I can type - woohoo. I feel like I should be doing more, but then other days I'm very content doing the little I do here. But then I wonder if I'm actually content or if I'm just so lazy that doing the little bit I do do here that I'm feeling sufficient but really I'm being a total lazyass.

I don't know. Maybe I could advance here. There are ways I suppose, I was nominated for President but we all saw how well that turned out. :) Until then I suppose I can put up with mark asking me every other day when I'm leaving.

Drive home thoughts

Life is weird. I was thinking this last night as I drove home. Did God really intend for us to get up every morning and drive in a tin box, go sit in a plastic or metal box within a wooden or brick box, eat from a lunch box, and drive back home in a tin box surrounded by others in tin boxes? Was this really what God wanted us to do?

Storm...

You gotta love Minnesota summer storms. Lightning, thunder, power outages...it's just a joy. Especially when your phone shorts out - again - and somehow a call is made from your phone to 911 so a friendly (we hope) neighborhood peace officer comes knocking, no wait... POUNDING at your door at 4:22 AM. It's such a joy when he shines lights in your neighbor's bedroom window, and then rings your doorbell but scampers off before you can see who it is through the peep hole.

Yes, friends, such a situation happened to me this fine morning. The A's and I were totally freaked out so we DID call 911, explained the situation and hung up. Then 911 called back and said that I apparently had made a call to them which was why they came by to see if anything was wrong. But when I went downstairs and checked my phone all I had was static - again. This is starting to get really frustrating. One more chance for these folks and then I'm going to go strictly cell.

But the storm was pretty cool. It was one of those few times I wished I had windows so I could have watched instead of just listening or having to go upstairs and open the door to watch. Oh well...someday I'll have a window.

Three afternoons to go...It's becoming a little surreal. I'm not sure what my life will hold when I'm finished in SemRel. It'll be odd not going across the street each afternoon, and though I rarely used them, since I eat in 5 mintues, I will miss the 90 minute lunches. ;) But it'll be good to get back to Events full time. CA and I have some plans of things we want to do with our department and sections. With me back full-time, hopefully we can do some of them and help put Luther on the map! :)

Countdown begins...

...Or continues, rather. 4 more afternoons at Seminary Relations.

Friends

Suddenly I have Garth Brooks in my head, "I have Friends in Low places..." but it is SO not fitting today. My friends aren't LOW. They are so cool! Tuesday night J, A, K, E and L and I all went out for supper, and then K, E and I continued on for a night of drinking and fellowship. Supper was great. L is just a cutie and SO like his father, which is a little scary :) . What's even more surprising is that K,E and I went to visit J last night at his workplace. OMIGOSH! I went out two nights in a row! And stayed up past 10:30! Whoa...the world must be coming to an end.

What was really amazing to me, not surprising though, is that these folks, these amazing individuals and couples are incredibly intelligent and venturing into a completely new realm of their life. They are taking the chance, heading back out in the world (not that they haven't been there already since these are the most level-headed people I know) and starting their lives anew. What's also wonderful is that they want to include me in their journey. K or was it E had a brilliant plan last night to begin a community of 6 people: J, E, K, J, E and me to have a joint journal in which we can comment and discover and discuss their lives post-seminary. They're including me which is great because then I can stay connected wtih them. It's amazing the plans that transpire over drinks at a bar. :)

Well...a couple blogs ago I mentioned I was going to take a step toward being my own person. Step one was telling Dana to hold off on introducing R to me (he's been trying to set us up for the last couple months but schedules just haven't worked) - but the main reason on holding off is because I just need to be me for awhile... Step two was ordering my tickets for next year. I ordered my season tickets for the Guthrie - 5-play packet plus Macbeth and Measure for Measure. A chunk of change, but I think for 12 months of entertainment prepaid it actually will be good. Plus they are assigning me a night so it will be on my calendar and i can't back out! YAY! I also got the 4-pack for the SPCO again, but only because they gave me 3 vouchers for the tickets I didn't use last year. So 7 tickets at about $17 each, too good to pass up. Step three is going out more. Obviously I'm doing well so far this week. I also found a music/movie night at district del sol which I'm planning to partake in.

It's an exciting time...one part-time job will be done in a week and I will be free of all extra activities associated with it. Freedom is coming! I feel like Paul Revere - "Freedom is coming! Freedom is coming!"

Story Time

3 Musketeers were walking along one day and they came upon a stump. On the stump sat two hotties named Sara and Theresa. “Oh joy, oh rapture! We at last have seen true beauty! (they were looking at Theresa) Our lives will never be the same!” they said to each other.

The first turned to Theresa and said, “Oh beautiful fair maiden, what can I do to win your hand?” Theresa looked up at him and said, “Well, strange man with a feather in your cap, I love whipped up fluffy chocolate. Do you think you could find me some?” The Musketeer waved his feather and said, “your wish is my command.” And POOF! He became a big barrel of whipped, fluffy chocolate.

The second Musketeer looked at Theresa (Sara was starting to feel a bit put off but no matter, she loved Theresa more than these three guys anyway) and said, “Oh beautiful fair maiden, what can I do to win your hand?” Theresa looked up at him and said, “Well freaky man with a sword in his belt, I need some hard chocolate to help transport my fluffy chocolate, can you help?” The musketeer drew his sword and nicked his finger. “Dammit!” he cried, and immediately stuck his finger in his mouth to stop the bleeding. Somehow he waved the sword around and he turned into hard chocolate.

The third Musketeer, having watched in horror at his friends who turned themselves into a delectable treat for Fair Theresa (as she was becoming known) turned to Sara and said, “Hey baby, I have a Harley out back. Wanna go for a ride?” Sara contemplated this for a moment, for the Musketeer was ever so ruggedly handsome with short black hair and deep chocolate eyes and strong hands and shoulders and arms that she just wanted to be wrapped up in. But the more she contemplated the more the chocolate began to melt, for it was a hot day, and she said, “Well, baby, hot as you are, I could really use a Strawberry Daiquiri instead.” And she grabbed the Musketeers fancy sash and waved it around his head and the musketeer turned into a huge blender of Strawberry Daiquiri with lots of rum.

Theresa said, “Finally, our snack for the day arrived! Who the hell were those guys? The waiters?” Sara said, licking her fingers of the whipped fluffy chocolate and sipped her strawberry daiquiri, “Who the hell knows but at least they taste good!”

Moral of the story: Never tempt Theresa or Sara with wishes when they are longing for chocolate and rum.

There's a change a-comin'

Lately I have been in a funk. I'm not sure why, but little things have been annoying me. It's odd. I'm not sure why I feel this way - diet? hormones? I don't know... but it's been frustrating not knowing. I'm not sure that I do know anything more now than I did but I hope I'm starting to figure it out. I'm growing...maybe finally into the person I actually am than the one I think people think I should be.

I've been doing a lot of thinking this weekend, which is always dangerous for me. I've been annoyed with a friend of mine recently...every little thing they do sets me off and I just get cranky. I know my friend had the same situation with someone else we knew too...(let's use Bob and Margaret just so I can keep them straight)...Right as Margaret was getting ready to move on to her new life she started to do things that would annoy Bob. I know this because Bob would tell me how annoying Margaret was getting with her whining and neediness. Well, now, sadly, I think Bob is doing the same thing to me. Except it's not whining and neediness but criticism and belittling. I know Bob doesn't think this is how he is treating me but this is how I feel. I think back to even December when "Christmas with the Kranks" came out and Bob said this was just a horrible storyline because it puts all of Christmas on to a snowman. Then Bob happened to be at my house and saw that I had the Grisham book (Skipping Christmas) by my reading chair and Bob made a snide comment about me reading it. I realize now that I hemed and hawed my way around it because I suddenly felt guilty for reading this book that Bob didn't like. And I realized on Saturday and Sunday, as I was thinking (always a dangerous prospect) that it wasn't just this one time that I felt put down or belittled by my actions from Bob. I'm tired of trying to prove myself based on Bob's thoughts about what is right and what is wrong. Bob and I have been in other arguments before about religious things too which have left me feeling like I know absolutely nothing. I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm not stupid. I have opinions. I have knowledge and I don't need another father or big brother to tell me what to do.

I don't know...maybe this is me finally figuring out who I am and becoming comfortable with myself. Saturday night I went to the MN Orchestra Concert at Orchestra Hall and for the first time in years, almost a decade - maybe even the first time ever - I felt completely comfortable going by myself. Usually I get this gnawing, stomach turning feeling in my stomach like I'm about to screw up or that I'm just super nervous before I would do something on my own. I believe strongly in having your 'own' time with yourself and doing things alone, but I would always feeling nervous like I have an empty pit in my stomach where you just feel hollow and alone. But Saturday, for the first time, I felt completely calm and confident in going by myself and enjoying the musical experience. As I thought about it driving home I thought maybe it's because I'm finally 30 but the week after I turned 30 I went to Britten's War Requiem by myself and felt this same hollowness then. (This is probably why I never cashed in my other 3 tickets to SPCO). But I think it's because over the past couple months where my life has been so insane with C&S and work and guards that I'm finally coming to understand who I am and that it's okay to be that person. I'm not a bad person, I'm not stupid (though I sometimes do stupid things), and it's okay to be me. ME - the person I hardly ever actually let out. I'm always trying to be someone else and I think it's okay for me to let that go and just be me. I know it's going to take a bit more to figure out what that exactly means as I'm just coming into being me, but it'll be worth it in the end I think.

So as a step in this process...the next two weeks will be good for me to be away from Luther, even though I'm at guards the whole time, and on the 13th I'm going to join the place I want to join, despite the odd looks I received from Mark and Debbie when I said I was going to, and I'm going to do things I want to do and learn to be me. I have held off on so many things out of fear of being judged. I know now that if people want to judge me they will, but I can't let that bother me. I just need to be me.

I was watching Season One of Joan of Arcadia yesterday and Chessmaster God said this: "Don't play the other persons game. Play your own." very profound. I need to stop playing everyone else's game and be myself. This will be a struggle - 30 years of trying to be what others wanted me to be is going to be hard to overcome, but it'll be worth it in the end I think, I hope, I pray.

bad blogger

A few of my friends have felt that they are bad bloggers recently. Erik started it, but then Erik always starts it. :) just kidding, Erik! But I find it funny Justin felt bad too, and now I'm feeling guilty for not writing in a week, too! I have a legitimate excuse, none of this senioritis stuff...I've just been out of town.

Last Thursday through Thursday I was at guards in exciting SoDak (as we SoDakian's like to call it). The first day was awful, I felt micro-managed and annoyed the entire day and then was told at the end of it that I just need to learn to let the stress roll off my back and learn to take orders (which they called 'suggestions'). I think I was just really tired after working 15 hours and then driving home 4 hours. But a hot bath and a rum and coke worked wonders! The rest of the time was okay. Our special edition of the paper turned out smashingly! (I'd show you but then I'd have to kill you).

Wednesday night I went to Lisa and Ryan's so I could give Emmy her birthday present(s). She was really cute that night and my nephew Zach entertained us all with statistics on the states. "Hey, Aunt Sara, did you know..." and then he'd start with whatever he had just read about the state of Alaska or Minnesota or South Dakota from his state coin booklet. That boy just sucks in information like there's no tomorrow. All while Emmy (im)patiently waits her turn to open her presents. Very cute.

So now today I'm working at the desk for a few hours and then heading to Mary's to watch Collateral with Nick and Mary. This and next weekend are pretty much my only weekends 'free' until Memorial Day weekend. But Jay's coming in the middle of those which will be good.

Oh! And today is Mikey Widner's b-day! Happy Day Mikey! :)

Ice Cream!

Okay, so Karen rocks! She is so awesome! Karen was worried that I wouldn't get enough to eat for lunch today because the pasghetti I brought from home turned out to be a lot less than I thought it was, but nothing was really appealing in the caf so I just came to work and ate my noodles. BUT Karen just came by and brought me chips and ice cream! She's so great. She may deserve a raise. :P

Weekend update with ... MOE!

Friday kicked butt! It was so awesome! Rumblings was just a hands down incredible show. The movement, the dancers, the soloists...wow! Tom Linker is an incredible composer too. It was great. I can't wait to go next year! Oh, and watching half naked men dance around in blue jeans was quite nice. :)

Saturday night was ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE! WOW! I love Britten's War Requiem anyway, but the tenor soloist really stole the show. James Taylor, not the pop singer, has this clear, smooth unlike-any-other tenor voice I've heard. He was so pure and un-nasal...it was beautiful! He could sing me to sleep anytime. In fact, as Beth and I used to say, I'd sleep with that voice. :) wow.

Sunday was good. Church went well and the C&S event went well too. But now today, I'm SO tired...I could have slept til noon...or at least 9 since sleeping til 7:30 is really sleeping in for me.

The rest of my week is really filling up...tomorrow night Mary and Mary Ann and i are going to the Guthrie for "As You Like It". I'm a little sad that Tom isn't here to go with me again. "AYLI" was my first-ever Guthrie show when Tom and I road tripped up to the cities my 2nd year of college. What a bonding time for us! He's so great!

Wednesday is choir again and Thursday I head home for a week of guards. Craziness. Oh well, today is Emmy's birthday so at least it's a good day. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, EMMY BEAR! :)

not much to say

I feel like I should have a ton to say, but I don't. I'm 30 now and life hasn't really changed like I thought it would. Well, maybe it has a little. I feel like I should be more responsible now or something. Of course I ruined that right away by ordering and receiving a Wonder Woman cami/panty set. Very cool. Maybe I need to move on and away. I've thought about just packing up and moving somewhere completely new and starting my life over, but the lack of stability freaks me out to no end and gives me an ulcer just thinking about it. I'm such a wuss.

Last night Debbie and I gave Mark a new purse from bust.com. Of course we thought it was going to be much bigger than it actually turned out to be, but I think he said he's going to use it for his sticky notes he needs for his organ music. We stuffed it with a "Hungry Hippos" toy I had gotten in my kids meal from Wendy's yesterday. It looked pretty funny, bulging as it did. I think Mark was a bit scared though when we said we needed to set up a meeting with him. Then yesterday before choir he said, "Are we meeting now?" and I said, "It's not really a 'before-choir' topic." He looked kind of nervous. I felt a bit guilty for torturing him that way but it turned out okay. The things we do.

Friday and Saturday Mn Dance Theatre is doing a production of Rumblings. My friend Debbie is part of the quartet singing along. It's supposed to pretty cool. I'm going on Friday. It'll be great! :)

Saturday night I'm going to see Britten's War Requiem at the Ordway. I've been waiting months to go to this. Alas, I'm going alone but at this point, I don't care. It should be fabulous. I still have 3 tickets I need to cash in for SPCO performances. Eek! I need to get those ordered so I don't waste my money I already spent!

So life is still going...nothing exciting as you see. But hey, it's my life.